To Be With You
May have minor AU details. The ending is a surprise even to me so I can't really say what it's going to be. This is Slash though, so if that don't float your boat, don't bother reading it.
I wanted to mention that this is rated Teen, but it might be worse later. As for what's in this chapter, there's a small section at the end of this one. If this offends anyone, I'm incredibly sorry, don't flame me!
Please Review! I'm Review Deprived!
Disclaimer: Not Mine!
Chapter 1. Remus' perspective
I'm sitting on my worn couch, in my small living room, watching a dying fire. It's black as night outside, and I have a strange sense of fear when my eyes rise to stare out into it. As though there may be a monster out there waiting for me…funny…considering what I am. I am the definition of monster. Now's not the time to dwell in my human philosophies. So many times before, after I had been completely abandoned in this world, did I dwell and dwindled my time into my past life…my life before it came crashing down…before my three best friends were all either murdered, betrayed, or sentenced to a life bound to be fulfilled in hell itself.
Shaking my head to rid myself of all those painful thoughts, I listen to the rain which pounds heavily against my roof, shaking my small flat like it were tin box. I feel my mind fog for a moment, and I unconsciously sniff the air, the cool moist smell raising the hairs on my arms. I've always had a hard time separating my personality from the wolfs'. Sometimes we are one, and I am calm with myself. Other times it's a waging battle…a battle that can never be won. A long time ago…when the monster in me had yet to be calmed…thoughts of the three boys who are responsible for teaching me to love every day as though it were my last come alive in my imagination…
James, nicknamed Prongs…arrogant, self-confident and so cleverly talented in everything even his own housemate's envied him, my best friend…
Lily...who in my own mind was nicknamed a goddess… she who helped me find not only the truth about other people but about myself…who helped me through part of the darkest parts of my life…helped me to see the beauty in myself when I could not…
Peter, nicknamed Wormtail, the small boy who later I learned became my friends betrayer…he had never been one to look up to…yet still…he had been my friend, always lending an ear if I needed one…
Sirius…Sirius Black…Padfoot…the big black bear-like dog that challenged me…forced me out of hiding…forced me to survive…forced me to love…and to delve deeper into myself…my beliefs…he remains my protector…savior...and companion even today. He still remains ignorant of the other things he is to me… more then just a friend…but also my seducer…
I still can't believe that he's innocent…I could hardly believe it then, when I saw Wormtail sitting on the floor between us. Without my permission, Snapes voice floats to the edge of my mind tauntingly and the argument from that night spills forth.
"Give me a reason…I beg you."
"Snape don't be a fool."
"To late, it's habit by now."
"Sirius, be quiet!"
"Quiet yourself, Remus!"
"Listen to you two, quarreling like an old married couple."
Shaking my head, trying to rid myself of the thought, other memories of that night arose.
Of Sirius holding me up as I collapsed, feeling my body starting to break.
"Remus, my old friend! Did you take the potion tonight!"
"He didn't! He's not safe!"
"It's okay, Remus! It's what here that counts! This body is only flesh!"
His words were drowned out by everyone's shouting…my vision fogged…lost control…the same familiar rage coming over my senses… 'Sirius…Sirius is innocent…' I remembered thinking. I stare down at my hands, remembering how I clung to him…struggling to support myself, as everything was lost.
It's my fault he's not free…not cleared of all those charges…because I was a fool…
Once again, I find myself smoothing Sirius' last letter against my chest, my eyes stinging as they read the words of affection written there.
Dear Friend
I would write your name, but my hands shaking so badly, I don't think it possible. I will not sign this in case it falls into the wrong hands, neither will I tell you my location, though I wish you could join me here. It was like a dream seeing you that night, and it still feels like a fantasy thinking back on it now and it's been three months. Dumbledore wrote me and said that you've been down of late. Mentioned that you felt it was your fault what happened that night. If it was anyone's fault, it's mine. I could have made several different choices that night, each which could have changed the night's outcome. For all we know, it was a good thing it was a full moon that night. Peter could've hurt you, or Harry, and heaven knows I would have killed that bastard then, with or without Harry's consent. I can't wait to see you…being in prison for twelve years and now on the run…I find it a blessing just to be able tolook at the sky whenever I feel like it. You know, the only thing I remembered all those years when I was in there was you…you and how Moony were taking it. I measured the years not by days but by the waning and waxing of the moon. Talking about everything we each went through shouldn't be written in letters. I hope to see you soon, maybe then we can talk.
All my affection,
Snuffles
Sirius…
Maybe…after all this is over…when Harry's all grown up and has hundreds of babies…when were both old and crippled…maybe then, I'll finally be able to tell you the truth…the truth of how you've held my heart in your hand since we were children…the only reason I'm depressed is because I know that once your name is clear…you'll want to settle down…start a family before it's to late…and I'll lose you again…A different type of loss…the type where you love someone else so much…you get lost within them. James had always been lost to Lily…he completely disappeared from are life in seventh year…making few exceptions to play pranks…
So what do I do…
I want to tell you…
I want to.
But can I is the question…?
Can I be so selfish to take the risk of losing you when were finally so close to being reunited as a pack…Moony misses you…I miss you…miss you so much that just thinking of you makes it hard to breathe.
I shake my head to clear my thoughts, wincing with the stiffness in my joints from my last transformation. Rising, I climb the stairs to my bedroom, collapsing weakly onto my bed, falling into a deep restless sleep…
Thesunlight seeping through the blinds of the small flat falls to rest upon my closed eyelids, making my nose squich up in irritation.
Blinking at the brightness that showered through the window, I tossed the blankets back that I had some how cuddled up into during the night. Slipping out of my worn pajama pants, I pulled on a loose pair of khaki's. Not bothering to find a shirt, I grab my wand and stuff it in my pocket as I walk stiffly down the stairs to my small kitchen. At first, I didn't even notice the dark figure starring at me in my own living room, dressed in a ragged cloak. It was a midnight blue, blending in perfectly with the shadows that still rested in the corners of the small living room. It was only after I walked to the window, pulling the blind's back that the figure spoke. "Don't." I jumped back at least five feet, pulling my wand out in a flash, my heart quickening. Without a moment's hesitation, the stranger had withdrawn his wand and flicked it at me carelessly, almost as an after thought, sending my wand across the room. I staggered backwards as the figure drew closer. I hid my shaking only with the thought that if I was going to be tortured to reveal anything about Dumbledores plans, I knew it would be quick and almost painless. I knew my body didn't have the strength to withstand much, let alone fight off this obviously powerful wizard. "Who-Who are you?" I stuttered, as I bumped into the wall. All I could make out was a slightly familiar chin, followed by an also easily recognizable mouth. A mouth that was smirking with mirth. I froze, as this stranger, who might I add was incredibly tall, let his hand touch my chest lightly, trailing down to my navel. The familiar chin came to rest against the nape of my neck, and my breath caught as this figure inhaled deeply, pressing his nose into my loose feathery hair, which I hadn't tied back yet. I almost cracked right then, but my jaw dropped when I heard that smooth masculine voice speak, seeming to feed my soul with the lightness and pleasure in being so close to me.
"You smell afraid of me Moony. I know I'm not as handsome as I used to be, but I didn't think I looked that bad!" We both froze for a moment, and then I had pushed back the hood-clouded figure, revealing a slightly gaunt face that had the biggest smirk plastered there. "Sirius!" I screeched, throwing my arms around the taller man's broad shoulders. He laughed, his arms wrapping tightly around my chest, muttering softly into my ear, "Nice to see you Moony."
I hugged him tighter, wanting to choke him for giving me such a scare and kiss him at the same time. "No, Paddy. I didn't miss you one bit, that's why I'm about to suffocate you."
He laughs, his face nuzzling into my hair fondly. I could make out the light chuckle that was escaping his throat.
"Padfoot missed you," he murmurs softly.
"Moony missed you, too." I respond immediately, not hesitating at all to go tip toe so I could slide my arms comfortably around his neck. It feels so…perfect…
I realize a second tolate that we've gotten more then just close…more like invading personnel space. Sirius doesn't seem to mind, in fact he looks quite happy to have my arms wrapped around him and quite content with where his arms are, which have settled around my waist, pulling are bodies closer together. I feel awkward for a moment, but push the insecurity away, pressing my face to his chest.
God, this might be a problem…I don't want to let go of him. He doesn't say anything, but I don't care, I don't let go, and I feel my stomach do a little flip as he, if it's even possible, tightens his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. "Missed me, huh?" he says softly, and I feel my voice choke up, and all I can do is nod.
He brings a hand up, which he runs through my hair, before tipping his head down to kiss my forehead gently. I can practically feel myself taking a shower in perspiration. It's only my imagination…at least that's what I thought until Sirius touched my cheek, worriedly.
"You're really warm! Are you feeling okay?" I nod, and disappointedly loosen my tight embrace on my life-long crush. Taking his hand I pull him to the couch, sitting down next to him. "I'm fine, really Sirius. I'm just…I mean…I haven't been recovering from transformation as well as I did when I was younger." I see this doesn't help him, if anything he's starring at me the way he used to in school, as though he'll kill anyone for so much as touching me. I think he's always been afraid of me breaking or something, as if I'm a piece of glass…
"When did this start?" he demands quietly.
I laugh and he looks up startled, his face shocked, which makes me laugh even harder.
"It's a gradual thing, Paddy. Remember that werewolf's don't live as long as regular wizards. I suppose it'll be getting worse from here on out. But that doesn't concern me right now. Right now I wanna know what's up with you. How've ya been?"
I can read his expression clearly, he's always been a good actor, but still, he's always' had a hard time hiding his emotions.
"What do you mean, ' not concerned?' I'm very concerned, Remus."
"Don't be. I've known about this since I was little. It's just the way things are. There's nothing I can do about it even if I wanted to."
Sirius clearly looks upset now. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"Because I thought you didn't need to be distracted with something as stupid and small as this. It's much more important that you're safe and hiding. I don't want to be responsible for getting you caught again. I would never forgive myself."
"Not…important enough! Remus! This is important, it matters to me!"
I smile at him, trying to ease his distress over my health, but all he does is glare at me.
"The full moon was…what…four days ago…you're still not feeling better?"
I sigh, not really wanting to talk about me, but apparently he wants to know so…
"It …kinda seems to stay with me all month now…the stiffness in the joints…back aches and what not… it's just part of being what I am."
He looks sad, and I can tell immediately what he's thinking.
"Don't you dare! Don't you dare think for one second that it's your fault, Sirius Black. I know you to well, and I'll let it out that this wasn't anything unexpected. In almost all medical cases of werewolves, this is normal."
"Most cases?" Sirius asks, and I can tell he's thinking about the few cases that didn't have these symptoms.
"There were some cases where the werewolf lived almost as long as a wizard, but few Sirius. I'm talking about one case in every thirty."
"You did the statistics?" Sirius asked, smirking.
'God I love you.' I can't help but think as he teasingly grabs onto a lock of my hair, yanking gently.
"I'm glad you didn't change while I was gone. Or rather, you haven't changed that much."
He's eyeing my grayer hair, which I can't help a small blush that sneaks onto my face, but I still smile at him, my eyes diverted to the floor.
"You drive me up the wall. That hasn't changed a bit. You did it when I was younger and now it seems even more so now that were older."
I know what he's talking about. We got on each other's nerves so much when we were younger. You ever hear the saying opposites attract. Well, in this situation, let's say it proved very, very true. You couldn't find two more different people in the world and yet we still are like magnets. We always fight yet we just love each other to death. Well, that's a lie. Are feeling's weren't mutual. Obviously I loved him differently then just brother to brother.
It was like some complicated equation. He was a positive and I was a negative…together… we balanced each other…perfection…
"Yeah…" I mutter weakly, my face still slightly pink because he's still curling my hair around his finger, starring intently at it.
"I like it." he says finally.
"Huh?" I ask, looking up to see those uncanny gray eyes focused on me.
"I like the gray in your hair. It…fits."
I don't say anything, but nod weakly. "Well, glad to know someone does. I certainly don't."
Sirius laughs, his voice not a crazy, half-mad cackle like it was the last time I saw him. Full, and doggish, like before. Some of the richness seeping back into his voice, and the familiar sparkle I his eyes had returned somewhat, reminding me of the adolescent teenage boy I had fallen in love with.
Finally, after a moment of just sitting and reflecting, I finally can't help myself. I lean my head against his shoulder. "I missed you."
Sirius doesn't say anything, just wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer against him. "I know…I missed you too."
We sat like that for a while, and I look out the window, which is only partially pulled up.
It's raining, and it hits my roof hard, like it's shaking a small tin box. Music to my ears now…
Opening my eyes, I realize suddenly that Sirius' eyes are shut, and the small content smile on his face reflects the soul that has found some peace within the last few months. He's learning to love life again. Maybe…he'll learn to love people again… maybe…
It was the most welcome and peaceful feeling…the best I've ever felt in the last thirteen years…waking to have him lying next me, his black hair spread gently against the couch, some of the gentle waves crashing with my own, tangling together.
We had fallen asleep on the couch together content to lay in the other's simple embrace. It wasn't until late evening that I stirred, a little past sunset. God I love him so much…but every time I look at him, I want to cry, because I know I'll never get him, and even if I do…for how long…
Life has been uncommonly cruel to me and you, love…You've grown up in a broken family, rescued by your own teachings and pride, lost all those you care about, lost the faith that friends had in you, spent half you're life in prison for a crime you didn't commit, broke out, had your freedom snatched away, lost your godson all over again, and now on the run again…and I have the nerve to even think of admitting my feelings to you, it wouldn't be right, for you to long for my friendship and trust again, only to find out that I thought differently of you, thought much more of you…would that disgust you?
For now, I will be silent…but I enjoy the way you have your arms wrapped around me, pulled to your chest as if I were something precious and so invaluable that you don't ever want to take the risk of me being stolen away from you…Your face is pressed into my hair, your breathing deep and even. God, I feel like a lecher, it's not right for me to lay here with my intentions unknown to you. My dreams…
But I am a coward…and I find myself mesmerized by you, so I'll ignore these guilty feelings, so I can lay in your warmth, having you next to me, over me, under me, so I can fantasize about everything I would love to do to you…without caring, I let my fingers touch your cheek, wanting no more then to touch and memorize every detail of your handsome caring face. I want to etch it permanently into my mind…for so many years, that's all I could see, was your face behind bars as you were sentenced to Azkaban…you're beautiful, haunted face. That withheld so many dark secrets…why didn't you tell me you switched…because you thought I was the spy…? Thought I was the one slipping information to Voldermort and his supporters…?
That's what we told Harry that night…
You told me different later…
You didn't want me to get hurt…didn't want me involved if something went wrong…why?…you cared about Peter back then…you didn't try to protect him…you chose me…why?…
You're the only one who can answer my questions, but I'm afraid to know the truth…
I can't help but blush a little as I see your eyes tighten in there sleep, and my breath catches as you run your palms over my bare back, tugging me closer to you. I grin, realizing you're having a pleasant dream about someone…hopefully me…I breath softly as you nuzzle your face against my chest, our mouths are only centimeters apart…Mentally smacking myself for letting myself wander into my own fantasy's … I look for a way to escape my friends tight embrace, knowing that if I stick around much longer, we might both be needing a shower…and also…I really don't want to hear who he fanaticizes about after thirteen years in prison…who could he still care for so deeply after so long…
It's amazing how fast your life can go from being perfect, to suddenly come crashing down over night…that night…in mere seconds, my whole life was ruined…
Sometimes though…it doesn't need a whole night to come crashing down…sometimes… only seconds…it takes years for dreams to set in, to be realized, wanted, desired, worked for, gained, and still…in seconds…even that can be lost…I've never heard of a whole life and world being rebuilt in seconds…let alone…in one word…I guess fate decided to return some of what it so cruelly tore from me…
Sirius, at that moment, murmured so softly, even though my ears were only inches from his lips, I barely caught the soft name he whispered as if it were sacred…my heart seemed to stop, my blood seemingly to freeze in the same second that he whispered it with an unguarded caress…one word…
…my name…
I lay there, watching as he settled in, falling deeper into his own dreams, which part of me screamed to participate in. It didn't really hit home until he said it stronger, his voice husky with arousal and playfulness. It instinctively spiked the part of me that had longed for a mate…
Without thinking, I responded, letting my hands slip in under his light garment, because his robe covered us like a blanket, my hands feeling numbed and burned as they slid up his back, pressing down on his spine, before thumbs met strong shoulder blades, followed by muscled arms…are legs had been intertwined for awhile, since we had fallen asleep, each of us instinctively curling around the other…so beautiful…mate…want…without thinking again, I answer his call with my own…
…I can't help myself any longer…it's not fair that he dreams of doing things to me, when I lay right here and gladly, welcomingly, want it.
The growl slips through my lips, and I can feel the shiver that runs through his body, almost like a soft purr… "Sirius…"
Without thinking, he presses his hips harder to mine, his legs tightening around me, and it's all I can do to contain the moan that threatens to break free…my hand has tangled in his hair, pulling his mouth closer to mine. His lips are already parted, an offering to be taken. I skip the formalities, sliding my tongue between two strips of talented flesh, asking, begging, offering, willing, to be taken anyway he wanted, so long as it was with him…His hands have slid beneath my loose khaki pants, holding firmly onto my arse, pulling me harder against his hardened erection…he moans my name, and I wonder if he's still dreaming…maybe I am…but it doesn't matter, cause this is all I want…to love him…to rescue him…to be rescued…the kiss deepens, his tongues in my mouth, sliding over mine and I whimper under the intoxicating pressure of flesh against flesh…
I can't breathe though…my minds suddenly screaming at me, 'Hello! Oxygen, extremely vital!' But I don't want to stop, not for a second, so we result to a heavy huffing as we struggle to breathe each other's warm breath. My cock is excruciatingly hard now and yet were still going, each of us trying to hang on until the last second, and we both moan as are hips dip painfully into each other. At last, Sirius can't take it, and the pleasure of just being brushed lightly by his long strong fingers was enough to send me spiraling into that chasm of bliss. Breaking the kiss, I howled softly as his hand slip down my pants to grasp my erection tightly, giving me that so longed for release into that warm hand. Pushing harder down into him at the same time as my coming, he moaned my name harshly before he found his own release, warm wet and sweet, into each other. I collapsed weakly; my arms still wrapped around him, slightly sweaty, my head close to hanging off the edge of the couch. Sirius' hand still held my cock firmly in one tight clenching fist, the other wound in my hair. He's panting hot on my neck, and the feeling of him withdrawing his hand from around my cock draws a growl deep from within my throat, which he smothers with a heavy kiss on my neck. Slowly, I tilt my head down, watching carefully as he brings his wet hand to his mouth, licking at the clear liquid that covers it. The salty scent of are joined arousal shoots straight to my groin, making me moan as I watch him, his eyes shut as he licks it all up…me…licks me up off that sweet hand.
Finally, he opens his eyes, his chilling gray eyes settling on my auburn-gold, questioning me silently. I open my mouth to say something, but it doesn't matter…my will to say anything is gone and I doubt anything could have made me say anything that moment…
There's nothing that can be said…
"Missed me, huh?" he asks, a small grin twitching at the edge of his lips. I smile weakly at him, my cheeks still flushed… "Miss me?" I reply smirking, and he laughs gently, his arms pulling me down to his chest, his face next to mine…he looks content, and all he does in answer is brush his lips against mine…that's answer enough…