As the credits rolled across the screen Jack pressed a button on the remote and the television when black. His teammates began to stir and stretch around him.
"I'll help you clean up, Sir."
Carter rose and started to pick up beer bottles and left over pizza from the table in front of her. Jack reached up and touched her arm gently.
"Carter that can wait. I need to talk to you guys."
"Oh! Ok."
And she sat back down beside him on the couch, tossing a puzzled look at Daniel and then focusing her gaze on Jack.
"What is it, Jack?" Daniel asked quietly as he pushed his glasses back up on his nose and straightened in his chair.
"Well, you know Hammond has taken command of Prometheus?"
"Yeah…" Daniel drew out the word as he wrinkled his brow.
"That leaves a vacancy at Homeworld Security and…I've been appointed to fill the spot."
He watched silence settle over the room as the members of his team tried to absorb his meaning.
"I leave for Washington in a few days, as soon as I turn over command of the SGC."
His eyes traveled to each of their faces as they sat silently watching him. He waited for his news to sink in, but they didn't respond. After a few long moments he smiled brightly at them and let his trademark sarcasm fill his voice as he spoke.
"Well then, nothing to say? Congratulations? Glad to be rid of you? Sorry to see you go? Anything?"
"Oh…yes, congratulations, Jack!" Daniel averted his eyes and stared at the floor letting his voice drop away in obvious disappointment. "Washington? I thought you hated Washington?"
"Yeah, the Pentagon and…I do, sort of. But, you know, it's the next logical step. The Goa'uld are gone, the Replicators are gone so it's sort of 'what do we do with him now?'"
"But, Sir, we need you at the SGC!"
Jack turned to meet Carter's eyes, wide and staring at him in disbelief.
"We could really start to explore now with our major enemies defeated, there's no end to what we could achieve."
"You can achieve, Carter. You don't need me for that. You know I've never been much on science and ruins other than the military advantages they could afford us. The 'brass' think I can be of more service at the Pentagon."
She nodded her head in agreement but her eyes belied her emotions and he glimpsed a deep sadness that he hadn't seen for a long time.
"Congratulations, then. And of course we'll miss you, Sir."
He smiled briefly at her words.
"But, Jack, aren't you the 'brass' now? Can't you request your post?"
Jack shrugged his shoulders at Daniel's question.
"Yeah, but requesting doesn't necessarily mean that's what you get. Chain of command, Daniel, remember?"
Daniel nodded his head and Jack looked across the room to get Teal'c's reaction. The big man sat absolutely still staring at the floor, very atypical behavior for the Jaffa.
"Teal'c?"
Teal'c stared back at O'Neill with obvious confusion, a condition not normally reflected on the big Jaffa's face.
"Undomesticated equines, O'Neill?"
Daniel and Sam squinted their eyes in almost identical confusion at Teal'c's question, trying to translate the Jaffa style English and glean the meaning of his question. Carter turned back toward Jack who normally translated what their high-powered brains couldn't quite decipher. Jack knew exactly what Teal'c was asking. He stared momentarily at his friend, grimaced and then dropped his head to avoid Teal'c's eyes.
"Ah! Yes. Sorry, Teal'c, things have changed and this is where I need to be. I'll be doing the same job…just in a different place."
Jack looked up again to meet Teal'c's gaze and wait for the slight head nod or a glimmer of understanding in the Jaffa's eyes. It did not come; he simply stared back at O'Neill and raised his chin slightly in defiance making Jack feel just a bit traitorous.
They continued to discuss the appointment for a while, Jack answering their questions as best he could, but not to any of their satisfaction. The team would finally be dissolved. Not that it hadn't been before, but O'Neill had always had the option to step into the vacant spot and travel with them through the gate on their next adventure. His spot was still there, even if he couldn't fill it. Now he was leaving for Washington. He wouldn't be there to send them off on missions and worry over them until they returned home. He wouldn't be there to watch their backs, or share downtime. He wouldn't be there…at all.
Their questions finally died away and as the room turned somber Daniel and Teal'c made their excuses and headed for home, questions and disappointment still hanging in the air like a heavy cloud. Jack stood in the doorway until his friends were out of sight and then returned to the living room to face Carter. She was busying herself with cleaning up, moving quickly around the room gathering the remnants of their meal and the beer bottles she had abandoned earlier.
"Carter, you don't have to do that."
"It's no problem, Sir, almost finished."
She didn't meet his eyes but continued with her self-appointed chores as she walked past him into the kitchen. He followed her and stood leaning against the counter, arms and feet crossed as she disposed of the collected waste.
"Ok, let's have it." Jack said calmly.
"What?"
"Whatever it is you didn't want to say in front of Daniel and Teal'c."
She stopped and looked at him thoughtfully, "It's just…"
"What?"
"Nothing, Sir."
"Nothing? It doesn't sound like nothing." He waited but when she didn't respond he continued trying to address her suspected concerns. "Carter, it'll be fine. Your new CO will be great! Probably a hell of a lot better than I ever was!"
She turned quickly to face him. "I doubt that, Sir," her voice betraying her emotions as the words rolled sharply off her tongue. Their eyes locked and they stood in silence for a long moment, just staring into each other's eyes. Jack recognized this look, it was like a fierce storm on an ocean but he didn't quite understand it.
"Carter, are you…angry?"
"Yes! I mean, no…Sir."
She turned her back to him wanting to avoid the gaze of his brilliant eyes and hoping to hide her reaction from him. She lifted her head toward the ceiling and gripped the counter as she reached deep inside to try and steady her raging emotions. After a few moments she spoke in a very soft voice.
"Why Washington, why now?"
"It's time, Carter. It's an opportunity I can't afford to pass up. Another Star, a new command, new experiences!"
He grinned as he waved his arms about his head trying to lighten the moment, but Sam knew it was all an act.
"Right!" She chuckled sarcastically. "Leave a job you love and all your friends for more paperwork and a city you hate. With all due respect, how can you do that, Sir?"
"And another star, Carter, don't forget the star!"
"Well, you could get 'that' and stay on at the SGC." And somewhat belatedly she added, "Sir!"
"Carter…I don't love the job. I'm military. I go where I'm needed…where I can do the most good. Look, I've been lucky to be posted in one spot for this long. I have my orders, what else can I do?"
"I don't know! It's just that…I'm really going to…" She paused wondering if she should finish the sentence and then finally added, "miss you." There, she'd said it. She shot a glance in his direction, but he was staring down at the floor and she couldn't see his face. Slowly she continued. "I can't imagine the SGC without you! I can't imagine me…"
Her voice trailed off and he looked up to see tears threatening to overrun her eyes.
Such beautiful eyes, he'd surrendered his soul to them years ago and they still held him captive if he allowed himself to look into them for more than a moment.
'Don't do it, Jack, it's too late.'
He wanted to comfort her and tell her that he understood, but he couldn't, not now.
'She has Pete; let her get on with her life. She's happy. Let her go.'
Thing was, she didn't look 'happy' at the moment and he ignored the voices in his head taking a tentative step toward her, wanting to take her in his arms, console her and kiss her pouting red lips but the voice stopped him again.
'Suck it up, O'Neill. You should have sent her out the door with Daniel and Teal'c, but you didn't, so just suck it up!'
He stopped his advance on her and tucked his hands firmly into his pockets keeping his eyes locked on hers.
"I appreciate that, Carter, thank you. But you've had your own command; you'll be fine."
"It's not the command, it's…you. I can't imagine not seeing you, not talking to you every day or having you stop by just to pester me in my lab!"
He turned an indignant scowl on her and snapped. "I do not pester!"
She grinned and relaxed a little.
"Yes, Sir, you do. And I can't imagine all of that changing. I don't want it to change. I always thought…"
Her words fell away as her lips and chin begin to quiver and she couldn't complete the sentence without tears. She couldn't force the words to life, she tried, but she had spent too many years pushing them away.
"Come on, Carter, you're over reacting here! Everything will be fine. The SGC will go on just as before. We'll just be on slightly different paths. And you have a whole new life in front of you, Carter, you deserve to be happy, just…let it happen..."
She broke the gaze they held on each other and swiftly turned her back on him. He didn't know about Pete. How could he? She hadn't told any of them, the time just hadn't seemed right. She'd just lost her Dad, now she was losing Jack, too.
Her shoulders shuddered as she tried to suppress the primal cry that wanted to escape her soul. She wanted to scream at him, to make him see that she couldn't bear losing him, but she didn't have that right. After all the years they'd known each other, everything they'd been through together, all they had was an unspoken promise – an understanding, but she'd thought he'd be there - waiting. He was breaking that promise now and it hurt…she froze in mid-thought – it wasn't him. She had broken that trust, that unspoken promise with Pete. She lifted her face toward the ceiling and clenched her eyes against the irony and the pain that followed, unable to stop the tears that escaped their boundaries.
Suddenly she sensed him behind her and the next moment she felt his strong arms reaching around her to pull her into a soft embrace.
"Carter, don't. I can't stand to see you cry."
The voices were screaming at him now, warning him but he couldn't let this continue. He could comfort her. He'd done it before.
"You can't see me."
"Carter. You've been hanging around me too long! You're starting to sound like me."
He grinned slightly and pulled her back against him, resting his chin on her shoulder and knowing that her stormy blue eyes were now overflowing. Her body shook and quivered silently as she released the grief that overwhelmed her. His arms held her gently and pulled her closer, comforting her against him as his hand stroked her hair.
"Sam?"
She turned in his arms and buried her face in his chest, her arms slipping under his and wrapping around his body. She held onto him as if her life depended on it and let her tears flow. She felt his body tense against hers then relax and pull her closer. His head dropped into the space between her neck and shoulders and then she felt the lightest of kisses as his lips gently caressed her tender skin. His hands stroked her back and he rocked her gently trying to comfort her in the only way he knew.
"I'm sorry, I just don't want you to go."
He raised his chin up in frustration against her words. 'Don't do this, Sam,' he thought, but he still held her close.
"Carter, this isn't multiple choice."
"But it's wrong. You're wrong…about all of it. It won't be the same and it won't be ok. We need you here – all of us do. I need you."
"You've saved my butt a million times, Carter. You don't need me."
"Yes, I do. I just lost Dad. I don't want to lose you, too."
Jack's heart wrenched in his chest and he pushed her away, his arms holding hers so that he could look into her face.
"Sam, I'd have done anything to save Jacob, there just wasn't…."
She interrupted him with two fingers pressing against his lips and a sad smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
"I know. There wasn't anything anyone could do."
"…And besides, it's just Washington. You haven't forgotten how to fly, have you? You'll visit!"
He forced the smile to remain on his face despite the sadness that he read in her eyes.
"Dad said I shouldn't let you go…"
He released her shoulders, his hands dropping limply to his sides and he shook his head slightly as he stared at her in confusion.
"What"
"He said I could still have everything I want, despite the regulations."
"Carter!"
Almost shouting in frustration, he threw his hands in the air and strode across the room away from her. She watched as he brought both hands to his face and drew them down the length of it.
"Jack?"
"Don't, Sam. Just…don't!"
"I told him I was happy…that I was going to be happy. He made me promise Jack, but I can't keep that promise without you. I thought that someday, somehow we'd… and now you're leaving without even talking about 'us'."
She paused, trying to interpret the million of things running through her mind.
Jack turned to face her and let out a frustrated sigh.
"First of all, Carter, there is no 'us'. For crying out loud, you're engaged to Shanahan!"
"You love me, Jack. I know it. How could I be wrong about that?"
She watched and waited for him to respond, but he just continued to stare out the window looking as if the weight of the world had just dropped on his shoulders, when a sudden panicked thought raced through her mind.
"Is it Agent Johnson?"
Jack squeezed his eyes tightly shut and pressed his lips together pulling them back in a grimace. He refused to acknowledge that question, much less answer it.
He had started seeing Kerry after Sam had chosen Pete, trying to break the hold she had on him – he was afraid he'd never be able to break it, but he had to let her go. Kerry was great but she'd never be Sam and after Sam turned up at his house that day, Kerry had known it wouldn't last – Sam would always be between them.
He tried to steady his voice, make it even and unemotional before he spoke, still hiding the truth even now.
"I accepted this appointment months ago, Sam. I'll be leaving for Washington in a few days. What do you want me to say?"
"You promised you'd always be here for me."
He turned and looked at her with deep sadness apparent in his dark, smoky eyes. He remembered. He remembered the lost, helpless look in her eyes as he slipped his arm around her shoulders and whispered that promise as they sat alone together in the observation room watching Jacob's last moments of life slip away. His voice was soft and reassuring when he spoke.
"Yes, I did."
He paused and then brought his eyes up to meet hers again, seeming to touch her very soul as he reaffirmed his promise.
"And I will be. All you have to do is call."
"But you're leaving and I can't bear for you to be so far away. I need to hear the words, Jack. No matter what they are, no matter what I know or think I know…I need to hear you say the words. Please…."
His heart broke inside his chest and he felt as if his life was draining away. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be clean and easy. He had finally accepted the fact that she loved Pete and that he had lost her. Now she stood in his kitchen, a few feet away, crying and saying she couldn't be happy without him. Someone in the universe really had it in for him. How much of this was he supposed to take? He had waited and would have gone on waiting but then she'd agreed to marry Pete and his world fell apart. Now months later, after he'd finally managed to pull out of those black, consuming days of loss and convince himself to go on, to start again, here she was tugging at his heart, begging him to stay. Would this ever end?
"Things change, Carter, I have my orders."
"Jack…"
He looked deep into her eyes and as she spoke his name something inside him started to uncoil. For a brief moment he let the walls he'd built around his heart slip away and he did the one thing he'd promised himself he wouldn't do. He let his feelings slip their restraints and manifest themselves in words that struggled past his lips.
"I'll miss you, Carter, is that what you want to hear? Dammit, I'll miss you so much I won't be able to breathe, but I have no choice, it's done! We both know this isn't going to happen, can't happen! Neither of us will allow it - so why even talk about it?"
Turning away from her he quickly slammed both hands down on the counter-top, angry with himself for adding to the emotional storm that he'd held at bay for years and now threatened to engulf him.
"Dammit!"
She crossed the room and stood beside him, refusing to let him push her away. She raised one hand to his shoulder and moved it in comforting, lazy circles on his back trying to relieve some of the tension she knew she was forcing on him. She hated hurting him, but this might be her last chance so she pushed a little more.
"So, you do love me?"
He looked up at her tear-streaked face and gently raised one hand to wipe away the tears. Then he closed his eyes and sighed.
"Let it go, Sam. Please, just let it go."
"Jack?"
Time seemed to slow as she stood silently watching him and then in no more than a whisper she heard him speak a single word.
"Yes."
A brilliant smile lit her face and without hesitation she spoke again.
"Then I'll come with you! I'll resign."
"No. That's not going to happen, Sam…. You've just lost Jacob. You haven't even had time to mourn him yet. You're just getting caught up in everything that's happened."
"No…and I'm not going to change my mind, if that's what you're thinking. It's the military keeping us apart, let me fix it!"
"No, Carter. I'm sorry, but this is the way it has to be. We just have to deal with it. I'm prepared to move on, Sam, sometimes we just have to accept that things don't work out the way we want."
He noticed that tears were crawling down her cheeks again and he winched at the pain he was causing her. He needed to end this here and now, but something inside him still refused to give her up completely.
"Let's just wait a little while and see what happens. That's what we've been doing all these years, isn't it?"
She raised her face looking very much like a little girl who'd just lost her last friend and shook her head 'no' in silent answer.
He felt her pain crawl through the pit of his stomach and wrap itself around his spine making his heart and mind almost explode with agony. Finally he gave in and pulled her into his embrace. He held her close, trying to comfort her, memorizing the feel of her touch against him knowing this was the end and as he dipped his head into the curve of her neck he whispered against her skin.
"God, Carter, you're killing me."
TBC -