Sorry for such a long wait, but I've had some personal issues going on, as
well as a computer virus that wiped out my computer for awhile.
Standard disclaimers apply. Oh, and Hilfold University doesn't exist.
Chapter 11
"Hey, Seth." Sandy shook Seth awake gently. "Seth, you have some visitors." He turned back to face said visitors and grinned. "When this boy naps, he really naps."
Seth's eyes fluttered open and he yawned. He swallowed heavily and sat up a little as his father left his bedside perch.
"Hey, what's up?" he inquired, eyes half-shut. "Ryan. Anna. Mommy." He cracked a tiny smile. "Have you come to shower me with love and adoration?"
"Something along those lines," Anna responded dryly, arching a thin eyebrow. She strode quickly to Seth's bedside and enveloped him in a hug. "Cohen," she whispered, eyes squeezing shut.
Seth returned the embrace, his face scrunched and weary. A happy sigh escaped his lips and his face relaxed as he deepened the hug.
Anna pulled back slightly and kissed his cheek, her chin trembling slightly.
"Watermelon?" Seth asked, tracing his fingers over the lip gloss smear Anna had left.
"Strawberry," Anna corrected, smiling.
Sandy cleared his throat. "Uh, I think I'm going to run down to the cafeteria and grab some food. Anyone want me to get them something?"
"I'm fine, thanks," Anna responded.
"Ryan?"
Ryan shook his head, then remembered the New Years Resolution Seth had bestowed upon him that year: talk more. "Uh, no thanks, Mr. Cohen."
"Why don't I come with you, Sandy?" Kirsten asked. "I haven't eaten all day."
"All right then. We'll be back in a little while." Sandy made eye contact with each of the teens before taking Kirsten's hand. "Don't play with the medical equipment."
"I think we're a little old for that," Ryan said, snickering.
"I caught Seth blowing up the medical gloves and floating them to the ceiling," Sandy replied, patting Ryan's arm with his free hand. "Age has no correlation with maturity."
"I guess not." Ryan glanced over at Seth.
"So, we're just going to grab a burger or something. Be back before you know it." Sandy waved slightly, and closed the door behind him.
Seth sighed. "Wow, could they be anymore obvious?"
"Giving us kids our time alone gossip about the days events," Anna elaborated. "Parents." She rolled her eyes.
"Damn straight," Seth muttered, looking bemused. "So, hey, how was school for you two?"
Ryan and Anna exchanged an uncomfortable look, the days events still fresh in their minds. Everyone stared and whispered, or looked away, guilty when they saw either of them, knowing they were associated with the emo nerd they'd pushed around, the one who had cancer. Teacher after teacher asked Ryan if he wanted to talk about it, or go see the school therapist, or just take some alone time in the school library. Seth was suddenly the Cause of the School Year, as talk of making cards and sending gifts floated around the hallways, mostly ideas spewing from the mouths of freshmen girls who didn't know the legend of Seth and his piss-filled shoes, only knowing that a fellow student was in need of a pick-me-up. Ryan wondered what Seth would say when he received dozens of cards on pink and sparkly paper.
"So, hey, I mean what happened? Karen Matthews barf in the water fountain again?" Seth's voice broke their contemplative silence. "Any messy break- ups on the quad? Did the entire wrestling team come out of the closet and engage in a huge orgy in the middle of the hallway? Were the librarian and the janitor caught 'getting their freak on,' under the stairway again? Fill me in, comrades, fill me in." Seth folded his hands, satisfied that he hadn't lost that rambling touch.
"Everyone found out.." Ryan told him, averting his eyes. "About this I mean."
"Oh." Seth shrugged. "Well..bound to happen sometime I guess. I'm just glad it's not while I'm still there." He forced a smile. "May I ask how this happened?"
"Marissa..she was upset. No one told her about this..."
"And she engaged in a loud and dramatic confrontation," Seth filled in, crossing his arms.
Ryan nodded weakly.
Seth ran a hand through his hair. "It's okay. I probably should have told her." He paused. "I guess with her I just don't know where I stand." He looked at Ryan. "You're not dating her anymore, so she's no longer my best friend's girl..and we were never friends before that. Is it a breach of etiquette not to inform her?" He looked thoughtful. "What is she in relation to me? I mean, her mother is dating my grandfather...potentially she could be my...hmmm..carry the two...my Aunt Marissa. Am I obligated to inform my Potential Aunt Marissa about new medical developments?"
"How about we talk about something else?" Anna cut in, smiling politely. "You told who you wanted to tell, and that's fine."
"Whatever you say," Seth replied, twiddling his thumbs.
"So, how have you been?" Anna asked, settling herself into a chair by Seth's bed and motioning for the standing Ryan to sit down as well. She'd noticed how hard it was to lure Ryan into accepting the basic comforts of life, like chairs.
"It's pretty crazy here. There's a male nurse named Butch. He brings me jello and sticks a thermometer up my butt every now and then."
"I'll assume you're joking about that part," Anna interjected, looking disgusted.
"Umm..right. There are, thankfully, some female nurses who are super nice and have listened to my whining when Dad got tired of it and made a break for the cafeteria." Seth shrugged his shoulders. "I'm settling, I guess."
"What'd you and Sandy do all day?" Ryan asked, rubbing the toe of his boot against the metal bed frame absently.
"Oh, scads of fun things." Seth snickered. "We played some cards. Talked a little about stuff. Then we discovered a 'Family Ties' marathon and let me tell you, that show is ten pounds of cool in a five pound bag. I mean, the parents are left-wing liberals raising Michael J. Fox, who's a conservative Republican. Oh, the merry hijinks."
"I love that show," Anna gushed. "I used to watch it all the time when I was little. And like, how they never told you what Alex's middle name was."
"And remember when Alex got his little brother that Republican pop-up book." Seth smacked his knee. "Now there's comedy."
Ryan slouched in his chair, a tiny smile playing over his lips, letting their conversation wash over him. He didn't hear most of what they were saying, but the sounds he heard were happy and excited. For the first time in a long time, everything felt okay. Seth and Anna were babbling happily about some show with the kind of passion that burned in the hearts of politicians and the deeply religious, and Ryan was able to sit their and soak it all in without saying a word. They didn't need him to talk or share his emotions, or do anything. He could just sit there and enjoy the company of two friends.
"As God was my witness, I will marry Tina Yothers," Seth proclaimed, his hand over his heart. "Or at least set her up with Ryan."
Anna's cell phone went off, the Batman theme song filling the air.
"Hold that thought, bizarre as it is," Anna said, digging through her purse. She glanced at the cell phone screen. "My dad. I'll take this outside." She practically bounced out of the room.
Seth watched her go, a half-smile on his face. He sighed loudly and turned to Ryan.
"You haven't said much," he commented.
"You always cover me in that department," Ryan replied, grinning. He propped his legs up on the side of Seth's bed.
"Hilarious," Seth mumbled. He stretched his arms over his head and yawned.
Ryan stared at the ceiling and sighed a heavy sigh. "So...."
"I don't want to do this," Seth said suddenly, his voice choked.
Ryan's head snapped forward. His mouth opened to say something, but the words didn't come.
Seth's head was bowed and shaking back and forth. His hands were clasped together tightly. He looked about eight years old covered in those blankets, scared and shaking. The pale pallor of his skin only added to the image of a little boy in a world where he didn't belong.
"Wha..what do you mean?" Ryan asked, finally finding his voice.
Seth looked up at him, his eyes red-rimmed and tired. He swallowed. "What..what if I do this..all of this, the chemo and the needles and the pain...what if I do this and lose my hair and barf a lot...what I do it and I still..I still..." Seth turned away, a frustrated grunt escaping his lips. "Still..die?" He threw his hands up in despair. "What if all of this is for nothing and I spend the last months of my life rotting in this stupid bed?"
Ryan wanted to reach out and hug the boy like Anna had, absorbing some of his pain and letting him release the feelings he kept locked up inside of him. But Ryan Atwood was not a hugger, not on his own. He needed help in that department, needed another person to initiate the hug. He couldn't do that. Instead his hand reached out and took Seth's. He squeezed it tightly.
"You can't think like that," Ryan whispered, leaning toward Seth.
"I can't help it," Seth replied, hand limp in Ryan's, but he didn't yank it away. "Life stopped sucking for awhile..now this. It's like God doesn't want me to be happy." He closed his eyes for a few seconds. "I just wanted this year to be normal."
Ryan leaned back slightly, hand still tightly clutching Seth's.
"Now normal wouldn't exactly be your style, would it?" He asked, arching an eyebrow.
Seth snickered. "I guess not."
"Things will work out," Ryan said quietly, knowing how lame it sounded.
"I just wish that whatever's gonna happen could just happen. Die or whatever. Months of fighting just to die..I can't do that. I'm not strong enough." A few tears sprung from Seth's eyes and trailed down his cheeks.
"Of course you are," Ryan said. "You're one of the strongest people I've ever met." He paused, wishing words came easier to him. "You dealt with all of the water polo players."
"Hardly," Seth sniffed.
"You ate your mom's cooking for sixteen years," Ryan said, a broad smile capturing his mouth.
Seth chuckled. "Yeah, it takes nerves of steel and amazing stomach muscles to accomplish that feat." He wiped his wet cheeks with his free hand. "Look, I'm okay. Just a minor freak-out."
"You sure?" Ryan asked, eyeing him with concern.
"Yeah, yeah."
Ryan let go of Seth's hand and watched as Seth withdrew a wrinkled pamphlet from under the covers. At first Ryan thought it was his precious map to Tahiti, but this volume was much thinner.
"I guess maybe this kind of started it," Seth admitted, handing it to Ryan.
"What is this?" Ryan asked, wrinkling his brow. "Hilford University?"
"Yeah," Seth's voice broke slightly. He cleared his throat. "Yeah. Uh, they have a summer program. I sent in my application about a month ago."
"You want to spend your summer at school?" Ryan asked, surprised.
"Not just any school," Seth replied. "It's about an hour from home, right? And I'd be taking creative writing and art classes, things like that. They even have a class on making graphic novels and the history of them. I'd spend a month or so reading, writing, painting, sketching, creating a kick- ass graphic novel. And I could still hang out with you and everyone else whenever I wanted." He smiled. "I've wanted to do it for a few years now, but I just got up the guts to apply."
Ryan placed the pamphlet on Seth's bed. "You never told me anything about this," he commented. "And you usually tell me everything." He paused. "Usually more than I'd care to know, actually."
Seth looked embarrassed. "Nobody really knows about it. I saved my allowance for two months to cover the application cost and the deposit." He shrugged. "I guess I didn't want anyone to know..like if I didn't get in, it'd be weird. I'd look stupid." His brown eyes burned into Ryan's blue ones. "Ya know?"
"Yeah," Ryan replied nodding. "Yeah, I get it." He licked his lips and ran a hand through his shaggy blonde hair. "When do you find out if you got in?" The green Care Bear lying on the night stand caught his eye, and the tiny plush toy seemed to wink at him. Ryan frowned. Those things always put him a little on edge.
Seth shrugged, twisting the bed sheets and looping them around his fingers. "Awhile. I sent in my application really early so I could get the classes I wanted. About two months, I guess." He released the sheets from his clutches and swallowed heavily. "You know I'm going to be here, getting chemo, on my birthday?"
Ryan bit his lip and nodded. "Yeah, I know." That was one thing Seth hadn't failed to mention.
"That's bad enough," Seth went on, "but if it doesn't go away I can kiss the summer good-bye. The Parental Authority-Free Summer of Graphic Novels will become the Summer of Barf." He shoved the blankets off of his legs with a frustrated sigh. Another tear spilled out of his eye. "If I'm going to die, I just want to do it now. I don't want to hope and make plans for the future and want things and say all of this pain is worth it for the end result if all I'm going to do is die from this."
Ryan took a shuddery breath, trying to calm his nerves. Seth was suddenly voicing his fears, his reluctance, and though Ryan had an inkling beforehand that these feelings had existed, he'd never heard them come out of Seth's mouth. The words he spoke were scared and tired and bitter. Seth was a fighter, yes, but a fighter that didn't want to fight. Why? Ryan wondered, though he knew the answer.
Seth was scared out of his mind. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to hurt people. As self-centered as Seth could be, there was an altruistic heart beating within his chest. He cared about people in the way that few could, with his whole heart. When he started to like you, he put his trust in you, and, in Ryan's case, openly used words like "brother" and phrases like "my best friend." Ryan was sure that Seth was just as worried about leaving Ryan as he was about leaving the world.
"It's going to be fine," Ryan said, his jaw clenched. "I know I can't promise..I mean..." He rubbed his face with both hands. "You just have to remember why you're fighting this."
Seth nodded, taking it all in. His face crumpled slightly. "I'm scared, Ryan...I'm so fucking scared."
"I know," Ryan whispered, expecting to see tears on Seth's face but finding none. He swallowed, thinking of how strong Seth was, how much strength he couldn't find in himself when it was so blatantly obvious to others. "I'm scared too."
The door swung open and Sandy's face popped into view. "You guys decent?" he asked, glancing between the two boys, oblivious to what had just occurred.
"As always," Seth told him wryly.
Sandy smiled and cleared his throat, stepping into the room but one hand still holding the door open.
"Ryan.." his smile was sympathetic.
"Visitor's hours, I know," Ryan supplied, grinning weakly. "It's okay."
"Well, we've got a little while for that, but I think Kirsten wants some alone time with him, okay?" Sandy asked.
"I feel like a zoo animal," Seth mumbled.
"Hush," Sandy ordered.
"All right. I'll come back in and say good night later," Ryan offered, shoving his hands into his back pockets.
"Bring me some human food, please..I beg of you," Seth pleaded. "They've got me on three square meals of puppy chow."
"I'll see what I can do," Ryan replied, thinking how much Seth hid of himself from his parents, and how much he had to trust Ryan to show him. His grin was faint but present.
"C'mon, kiddo. I'll give you the grand tour." Sandy threw his arm around Ryan's shoulders. "They have a kick ass candy machine on the third floor."
"Sandy, don't say kick ass."
Sandy ruffled his hair slightly as they passed Anna who waved them away and sighed into her phone. "Seth is rubbing off on everyone these days, huh?"
"I guess so," Ryan replied, and he lost himself in Sandy's steady chatter.
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Visitor's hours were over. Anna had gone home, followed by Ryan and Kirsten much later on, and only after some severe fussing over Seth.
Seth was lying in bed quietly, waiting for his father to come back so they could exchange their good nights and he could get some sleep. His chemo started the very next day, a fact that he was less than thrilled about, a fact that was eating away at him bit by bit, torturing him.
He grabbed the remote off of the nightstand and flicked on the television that hung in the corner of the room. Maybe that would distract him. He smiled, remembering how Sandy and Ryan had been plotting to set up the Playstation 2, the way their eyes glowed at the thought of making him happy, how the two, both hapless in the art of technology threw around words like "wire do-hickey" and "that thing."
The door to the bathroom opened and his father emerged, clad in sweatpants and a black t-shirt. He yawned and gave a short wave to his son.
"It's getting late. You should probably turn off the TV and get some rest." Sandy sighed. "Why do you get that nice big bed with all the pillows and all I get is this rickety old cot? I'll probably sink through the second I lie down," he whined.
"Oh, so you want a pillow?" Seth asked, amused.
Sandy turned to respond and was met with a soft white bundle of something that smacked him in the face with a loud 'thwock.' Ah, so there was the pillow.
"You little rascal." Sandy shook his head. "I can't believe this is the child I raised." He paused. "I blame it on your mother."
"Very noble of you," Seth replied, rolling his eyes. He turned off the television and put the remote down on the nightstand. "Night Pops," he said as his father approached his side.
"Night, son," Sandy responded, fixing the blankets around Seth and placing a hand on Seth's cheek gently. "I'll see you in the morning."
Sandy crossed the room and hit the light switch, flooding the room in darkness.
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A soft knock on the door motivated Ryan to pull on his night clothes a little quicker. The last thing he wanted was for Kirsten to catch a glimpse of him in the Tony the Tiger boxers Seth had given him as a Chrismakkuh gag gift.
"Come in," he called as he fiddled with the drawstrings on his pajama pants.
Kirsten entered the guest bedroom, looking at the peach colored walls and the ruffled comforter.
"I like what you've done with the place," she commented, nodding her head in approval. She met Ryan's eye.
Ryan shrugged.
"I'll tackle this over the weekend; bring in a more manly color palate." Kirsten's smile was hesitant and nervous.
"You don't have to do that," Ryan replied, shrugging. "It's fine." Kirsten had a lot of things to deal with; making his room more eye pleasing shouldn't have been one of them.
"No, please. It's what I do." Kirsten's posture straightened slightly. "It's fun. I used to decorate Seth's room all the time when he was little, changing the paint color, getting a new bed, wall papering..it was nice." She paused, his lips twitching and turning down a little. "He doesn't let me do anything anymore." The look in her eyes was earnest. "I'd like to help you out here...I mean, that is, if this room is what you want. You don't have to stay here by any means. You're always welcome to stay in the pool house..if that's what you want."
"No..no..I like this. It's-it's good," Ryan insisted, and he wasn't lying. At first, the pool house was what he wanted. It helped him keep his comfortable distance from the Cohens. In his mind he felt like it made him less of a disturbance, sleeping in their backyard, and was a constant reminder that he couldn't get attached to them, that they were not his family. He was an Atwood. But as time went by, and right then, he knew that, like it or not, he was a part of their family. He was attached, and they seemed to care about him, and love him, and want what was best for him. Ryan could no longer deny that, and thought he'd never accept their lavish gifts and offers of help without at least some semblance of a struggle, he'd never doubt their intentions again. Or, he wouldn't doubt them as much.
"Only if you want to," Kirsten reiterated.
"I do," Ryan answered firmly. He cleared his throat. "So..um, I was wondering.."
"You were wondering if you could miss school tomorrow and be with Seth before his chemo?" Kirsten asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Actually, uh, yeah," Ryan replied, relieved that he didn't have to get all of those words out of his mouth.
"Of course," Kirsten said, gently. "We won't make a habit of this, but Seth would feel more comfortable- and I would too, for that matter- if you were there." She paused. "One day of school won't hurt anything. Besides, I'm sure Summer will play hooky tomorrow too." She grinned a little. "I bet she'll chloroform any doctor who tries to keep her away from Seth."
Ryan saw in her eyes how much Kirsten really liked Summer and how much she liked Summer with Seth. Summer would be glad to hear about it.
"She probably will," Ryan told her softly.
Kirsten squeezed Ryan's forearm gently. "Good night, Ryan."
"Night, Kirsten."
With Kirsten gone, Ryan continued his preparations for bed. He spied a crumpled piece of paper on the floor by the nightstand and bent down to pick it up when something caught his eye.
Sitting on the bureau were some papers Ryan hadn't remembered being there before. Piece of paper forgotten, he went over to investigate.
Hilford University was the letter head, and it took Ryan about three seconds to figure out that it was an application. A check for an amount of money Ryan had never even held in his hand lay atop it. Beside it was the same pamphlet Seth had showed him, though this one was fresh and new. Circled in heavy blank ink under the column 'Fields of Study,' was one word: Architecture.
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Read and review. Thanks a million for all your wonderful comments.
And if you've never seen it, or even if you have, rent Bowling for Columbine, whatever your political affiliation.
Standard disclaimers apply. Oh, and Hilfold University doesn't exist.
Chapter 11
"Hey, Seth." Sandy shook Seth awake gently. "Seth, you have some visitors." He turned back to face said visitors and grinned. "When this boy naps, he really naps."
Seth's eyes fluttered open and he yawned. He swallowed heavily and sat up a little as his father left his bedside perch.
"Hey, what's up?" he inquired, eyes half-shut. "Ryan. Anna. Mommy." He cracked a tiny smile. "Have you come to shower me with love and adoration?"
"Something along those lines," Anna responded dryly, arching a thin eyebrow. She strode quickly to Seth's bedside and enveloped him in a hug. "Cohen," she whispered, eyes squeezing shut.
Seth returned the embrace, his face scrunched and weary. A happy sigh escaped his lips and his face relaxed as he deepened the hug.
Anna pulled back slightly and kissed his cheek, her chin trembling slightly.
"Watermelon?" Seth asked, tracing his fingers over the lip gloss smear Anna had left.
"Strawberry," Anna corrected, smiling.
Sandy cleared his throat. "Uh, I think I'm going to run down to the cafeteria and grab some food. Anyone want me to get them something?"
"I'm fine, thanks," Anna responded.
"Ryan?"
Ryan shook his head, then remembered the New Years Resolution Seth had bestowed upon him that year: talk more. "Uh, no thanks, Mr. Cohen."
"Why don't I come with you, Sandy?" Kirsten asked. "I haven't eaten all day."
"All right then. We'll be back in a little while." Sandy made eye contact with each of the teens before taking Kirsten's hand. "Don't play with the medical equipment."
"I think we're a little old for that," Ryan said, snickering.
"I caught Seth blowing up the medical gloves and floating them to the ceiling," Sandy replied, patting Ryan's arm with his free hand. "Age has no correlation with maturity."
"I guess not." Ryan glanced over at Seth.
"So, we're just going to grab a burger or something. Be back before you know it." Sandy waved slightly, and closed the door behind him.
Seth sighed. "Wow, could they be anymore obvious?"
"Giving us kids our time alone gossip about the days events," Anna elaborated. "Parents." She rolled her eyes.
"Damn straight," Seth muttered, looking bemused. "So, hey, how was school for you two?"
Ryan and Anna exchanged an uncomfortable look, the days events still fresh in their minds. Everyone stared and whispered, or looked away, guilty when they saw either of them, knowing they were associated with the emo nerd they'd pushed around, the one who had cancer. Teacher after teacher asked Ryan if he wanted to talk about it, or go see the school therapist, or just take some alone time in the school library. Seth was suddenly the Cause of the School Year, as talk of making cards and sending gifts floated around the hallways, mostly ideas spewing from the mouths of freshmen girls who didn't know the legend of Seth and his piss-filled shoes, only knowing that a fellow student was in need of a pick-me-up. Ryan wondered what Seth would say when he received dozens of cards on pink and sparkly paper.
"So, hey, I mean what happened? Karen Matthews barf in the water fountain again?" Seth's voice broke their contemplative silence. "Any messy break- ups on the quad? Did the entire wrestling team come out of the closet and engage in a huge orgy in the middle of the hallway? Were the librarian and the janitor caught 'getting their freak on,' under the stairway again? Fill me in, comrades, fill me in." Seth folded his hands, satisfied that he hadn't lost that rambling touch.
"Everyone found out.." Ryan told him, averting his eyes. "About this I mean."
"Oh." Seth shrugged. "Well..bound to happen sometime I guess. I'm just glad it's not while I'm still there." He forced a smile. "May I ask how this happened?"
"Marissa..she was upset. No one told her about this..."
"And she engaged in a loud and dramatic confrontation," Seth filled in, crossing his arms.
Ryan nodded weakly.
Seth ran a hand through his hair. "It's okay. I probably should have told her." He paused. "I guess with her I just don't know where I stand." He looked at Ryan. "You're not dating her anymore, so she's no longer my best friend's girl..and we were never friends before that. Is it a breach of etiquette not to inform her?" He looked thoughtful. "What is she in relation to me? I mean, her mother is dating my grandfather...potentially she could be my...hmmm..carry the two...my Aunt Marissa. Am I obligated to inform my Potential Aunt Marissa about new medical developments?"
"How about we talk about something else?" Anna cut in, smiling politely. "You told who you wanted to tell, and that's fine."
"Whatever you say," Seth replied, twiddling his thumbs.
"So, how have you been?" Anna asked, settling herself into a chair by Seth's bed and motioning for the standing Ryan to sit down as well. She'd noticed how hard it was to lure Ryan into accepting the basic comforts of life, like chairs.
"It's pretty crazy here. There's a male nurse named Butch. He brings me jello and sticks a thermometer up my butt every now and then."
"I'll assume you're joking about that part," Anna interjected, looking disgusted.
"Umm..right. There are, thankfully, some female nurses who are super nice and have listened to my whining when Dad got tired of it and made a break for the cafeteria." Seth shrugged his shoulders. "I'm settling, I guess."
"What'd you and Sandy do all day?" Ryan asked, rubbing the toe of his boot against the metal bed frame absently.
"Oh, scads of fun things." Seth snickered. "We played some cards. Talked a little about stuff. Then we discovered a 'Family Ties' marathon and let me tell you, that show is ten pounds of cool in a five pound bag. I mean, the parents are left-wing liberals raising Michael J. Fox, who's a conservative Republican. Oh, the merry hijinks."
"I love that show," Anna gushed. "I used to watch it all the time when I was little. And like, how they never told you what Alex's middle name was."
"And remember when Alex got his little brother that Republican pop-up book." Seth smacked his knee. "Now there's comedy."
Ryan slouched in his chair, a tiny smile playing over his lips, letting their conversation wash over him. He didn't hear most of what they were saying, but the sounds he heard were happy and excited. For the first time in a long time, everything felt okay. Seth and Anna were babbling happily about some show with the kind of passion that burned in the hearts of politicians and the deeply religious, and Ryan was able to sit their and soak it all in without saying a word. They didn't need him to talk or share his emotions, or do anything. He could just sit there and enjoy the company of two friends.
"As God was my witness, I will marry Tina Yothers," Seth proclaimed, his hand over his heart. "Or at least set her up with Ryan."
Anna's cell phone went off, the Batman theme song filling the air.
"Hold that thought, bizarre as it is," Anna said, digging through her purse. She glanced at the cell phone screen. "My dad. I'll take this outside." She practically bounced out of the room.
Seth watched her go, a half-smile on his face. He sighed loudly and turned to Ryan.
"You haven't said much," he commented.
"You always cover me in that department," Ryan replied, grinning. He propped his legs up on the side of Seth's bed.
"Hilarious," Seth mumbled. He stretched his arms over his head and yawned.
Ryan stared at the ceiling and sighed a heavy sigh. "So...."
"I don't want to do this," Seth said suddenly, his voice choked.
Ryan's head snapped forward. His mouth opened to say something, but the words didn't come.
Seth's head was bowed and shaking back and forth. His hands were clasped together tightly. He looked about eight years old covered in those blankets, scared and shaking. The pale pallor of his skin only added to the image of a little boy in a world where he didn't belong.
"Wha..what do you mean?" Ryan asked, finally finding his voice.
Seth looked up at him, his eyes red-rimmed and tired. He swallowed. "What..what if I do this..all of this, the chemo and the needles and the pain...what if I do this and lose my hair and barf a lot...what I do it and I still..I still..." Seth turned away, a frustrated grunt escaping his lips. "Still..die?" He threw his hands up in despair. "What if all of this is for nothing and I spend the last months of my life rotting in this stupid bed?"
Ryan wanted to reach out and hug the boy like Anna had, absorbing some of his pain and letting him release the feelings he kept locked up inside of him. But Ryan Atwood was not a hugger, not on his own. He needed help in that department, needed another person to initiate the hug. He couldn't do that. Instead his hand reached out and took Seth's. He squeezed it tightly.
"You can't think like that," Ryan whispered, leaning toward Seth.
"I can't help it," Seth replied, hand limp in Ryan's, but he didn't yank it away. "Life stopped sucking for awhile..now this. It's like God doesn't want me to be happy." He closed his eyes for a few seconds. "I just wanted this year to be normal."
Ryan leaned back slightly, hand still tightly clutching Seth's.
"Now normal wouldn't exactly be your style, would it?" He asked, arching an eyebrow.
Seth snickered. "I guess not."
"Things will work out," Ryan said quietly, knowing how lame it sounded.
"I just wish that whatever's gonna happen could just happen. Die or whatever. Months of fighting just to die..I can't do that. I'm not strong enough." A few tears sprung from Seth's eyes and trailed down his cheeks.
"Of course you are," Ryan said. "You're one of the strongest people I've ever met." He paused, wishing words came easier to him. "You dealt with all of the water polo players."
"Hardly," Seth sniffed.
"You ate your mom's cooking for sixteen years," Ryan said, a broad smile capturing his mouth.
Seth chuckled. "Yeah, it takes nerves of steel and amazing stomach muscles to accomplish that feat." He wiped his wet cheeks with his free hand. "Look, I'm okay. Just a minor freak-out."
"You sure?" Ryan asked, eyeing him with concern.
"Yeah, yeah."
Ryan let go of Seth's hand and watched as Seth withdrew a wrinkled pamphlet from under the covers. At first Ryan thought it was his precious map to Tahiti, but this volume was much thinner.
"I guess maybe this kind of started it," Seth admitted, handing it to Ryan.
"What is this?" Ryan asked, wrinkling his brow. "Hilford University?"
"Yeah," Seth's voice broke slightly. He cleared his throat. "Yeah. Uh, they have a summer program. I sent in my application about a month ago."
"You want to spend your summer at school?" Ryan asked, surprised.
"Not just any school," Seth replied. "It's about an hour from home, right? And I'd be taking creative writing and art classes, things like that. They even have a class on making graphic novels and the history of them. I'd spend a month or so reading, writing, painting, sketching, creating a kick- ass graphic novel. And I could still hang out with you and everyone else whenever I wanted." He smiled. "I've wanted to do it for a few years now, but I just got up the guts to apply."
Ryan placed the pamphlet on Seth's bed. "You never told me anything about this," he commented. "And you usually tell me everything." He paused. "Usually more than I'd care to know, actually."
Seth looked embarrassed. "Nobody really knows about it. I saved my allowance for two months to cover the application cost and the deposit." He shrugged. "I guess I didn't want anyone to know..like if I didn't get in, it'd be weird. I'd look stupid." His brown eyes burned into Ryan's blue ones. "Ya know?"
"Yeah," Ryan replied nodding. "Yeah, I get it." He licked his lips and ran a hand through his shaggy blonde hair. "When do you find out if you got in?" The green Care Bear lying on the night stand caught his eye, and the tiny plush toy seemed to wink at him. Ryan frowned. Those things always put him a little on edge.
Seth shrugged, twisting the bed sheets and looping them around his fingers. "Awhile. I sent in my application really early so I could get the classes I wanted. About two months, I guess." He released the sheets from his clutches and swallowed heavily. "You know I'm going to be here, getting chemo, on my birthday?"
Ryan bit his lip and nodded. "Yeah, I know." That was one thing Seth hadn't failed to mention.
"That's bad enough," Seth went on, "but if it doesn't go away I can kiss the summer good-bye. The Parental Authority-Free Summer of Graphic Novels will become the Summer of Barf." He shoved the blankets off of his legs with a frustrated sigh. Another tear spilled out of his eye. "If I'm going to die, I just want to do it now. I don't want to hope and make plans for the future and want things and say all of this pain is worth it for the end result if all I'm going to do is die from this."
Ryan took a shuddery breath, trying to calm his nerves. Seth was suddenly voicing his fears, his reluctance, and though Ryan had an inkling beforehand that these feelings had existed, he'd never heard them come out of Seth's mouth. The words he spoke were scared and tired and bitter. Seth was a fighter, yes, but a fighter that didn't want to fight. Why? Ryan wondered, though he knew the answer.
Seth was scared out of his mind. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to hurt people. As self-centered as Seth could be, there was an altruistic heart beating within his chest. He cared about people in the way that few could, with his whole heart. When he started to like you, he put his trust in you, and, in Ryan's case, openly used words like "brother" and phrases like "my best friend." Ryan was sure that Seth was just as worried about leaving Ryan as he was about leaving the world.
"It's going to be fine," Ryan said, his jaw clenched. "I know I can't promise..I mean..." He rubbed his face with both hands. "You just have to remember why you're fighting this."
Seth nodded, taking it all in. His face crumpled slightly. "I'm scared, Ryan...I'm so fucking scared."
"I know," Ryan whispered, expecting to see tears on Seth's face but finding none. He swallowed, thinking of how strong Seth was, how much strength he couldn't find in himself when it was so blatantly obvious to others. "I'm scared too."
The door swung open and Sandy's face popped into view. "You guys decent?" he asked, glancing between the two boys, oblivious to what had just occurred.
"As always," Seth told him wryly.
Sandy smiled and cleared his throat, stepping into the room but one hand still holding the door open.
"Ryan.." his smile was sympathetic.
"Visitor's hours, I know," Ryan supplied, grinning weakly. "It's okay."
"Well, we've got a little while for that, but I think Kirsten wants some alone time with him, okay?" Sandy asked.
"I feel like a zoo animal," Seth mumbled.
"Hush," Sandy ordered.
"All right. I'll come back in and say good night later," Ryan offered, shoving his hands into his back pockets.
"Bring me some human food, please..I beg of you," Seth pleaded. "They've got me on three square meals of puppy chow."
"I'll see what I can do," Ryan replied, thinking how much Seth hid of himself from his parents, and how much he had to trust Ryan to show him. His grin was faint but present.
"C'mon, kiddo. I'll give you the grand tour." Sandy threw his arm around Ryan's shoulders. "They have a kick ass candy machine on the third floor."
"Sandy, don't say kick ass."
Sandy ruffled his hair slightly as they passed Anna who waved them away and sighed into her phone. "Seth is rubbing off on everyone these days, huh?"
"I guess so," Ryan replied, and he lost himself in Sandy's steady chatter.
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Visitor's hours were over. Anna had gone home, followed by Ryan and Kirsten much later on, and only after some severe fussing over Seth.
Seth was lying in bed quietly, waiting for his father to come back so they could exchange their good nights and he could get some sleep. His chemo started the very next day, a fact that he was less than thrilled about, a fact that was eating away at him bit by bit, torturing him.
He grabbed the remote off of the nightstand and flicked on the television that hung in the corner of the room. Maybe that would distract him. He smiled, remembering how Sandy and Ryan had been plotting to set up the Playstation 2, the way their eyes glowed at the thought of making him happy, how the two, both hapless in the art of technology threw around words like "wire do-hickey" and "that thing."
The door to the bathroom opened and his father emerged, clad in sweatpants and a black t-shirt. He yawned and gave a short wave to his son.
"It's getting late. You should probably turn off the TV and get some rest." Sandy sighed. "Why do you get that nice big bed with all the pillows and all I get is this rickety old cot? I'll probably sink through the second I lie down," he whined.
"Oh, so you want a pillow?" Seth asked, amused.
Sandy turned to respond and was met with a soft white bundle of something that smacked him in the face with a loud 'thwock.' Ah, so there was the pillow.
"You little rascal." Sandy shook his head. "I can't believe this is the child I raised." He paused. "I blame it on your mother."
"Very noble of you," Seth replied, rolling his eyes. He turned off the television and put the remote down on the nightstand. "Night Pops," he said as his father approached his side.
"Night, son," Sandy responded, fixing the blankets around Seth and placing a hand on Seth's cheek gently. "I'll see you in the morning."
Sandy crossed the room and hit the light switch, flooding the room in darkness.
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A soft knock on the door motivated Ryan to pull on his night clothes a little quicker. The last thing he wanted was for Kirsten to catch a glimpse of him in the Tony the Tiger boxers Seth had given him as a Chrismakkuh gag gift.
"Come in," he called as he fiddled with the drawstrings on his pajama pants.
Kirsten entered the guest bedroom, looking at the peach colored walls and the ruffled comforter.
"I like what you've done with the place," she commented, nodding her head in approval. She met Ryan's eye.
Ryan shrugged.
"I'll tackle this over the weekend; bring in a more manly color palate." Kirsten's smile was hesitant and nervous.
"You don't have to do that," Ryan replied, shrugging. "It's fine." Kirsten had a lot of things to deal with; making his room more eye pleasing shouldn't have been one of them.
"No, please. It's what I do." Kirsten's posture straightened slightly. "It's fun. I used to decorate Seth's room all the time when he was little, changing the paint color, getting a new bed, wall papering..it was nice." She paused, his lips twitching and turning down a little. "He doesn't let me do anything anymore." The look in her eyes was earnest. "I'd like to help you out here...I mean, that is, if this room is what you want. You don't have to stay here by any means. You're always welcome to stay in the pool house..if that's what you want."
"No..no..I like this. It's-it's good," Ryan insisted, and he wasn't lying. At first, the pool house was what he wanted. It helped him keep his comfortable distance from the Cohens. In his mind he felt like it made him less of a disturbance, sleeping in their backyard, and was a constant reminder that he couldn't get attached to them, that they were not his family. He was an Atwood. But as time went by, and right then, he knew that, like it or not, he was a part of their family. He was attached, and they seemed to care about him, and love him, and want what was best for him. Ryan could no longer deny that, and thought he'd never accept their lavish gifts and offers of help without at least some semblance of a struggle, he'd never doubt their intentions again. Or, he wouldn't doubt them as much.
"Only if you want to," Kirsten reiterated.
"I do," Ryan answered firmly. He cleared his throat. "So..um, I was wondering.."
"You were wondering if you could miss school tomorrow and be with Seth before his chemo?" Kirsten asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Actually, uh, yeah," Ryan replied, relieved that he didn't have to get all of those words out of his mouth.
"Of course," Kirsten said, gently. "We won't make a habit of this, but Seth would feel more comfortable- and I would too, for that matter- if you were there." She paused. "One day of school won't hurt anything. Besides, I'm sure Summer will play hooky tomorrow too." She grinned a little. "I bet she'll chloroform any doctor who tries to keep her away from Seth."
Ryan saw in her eyes how much Kirsten really liked Summer and how much she liked Summer with Seth. Summer would be glad to hear about it.
"She probably will," Ryan told her softly.
Kirsten squeezed Ryan's forearm gently. "Good night, Ryan."
"Night, Kirsten."
With Kirsten gone, Ryan continued his preparations for bed. He spied a crumpled piece of paper on the floor by the nightstand and bent down to pick it up when something caught his eye.
Sitting on the bureau were some papers Ryan hadn't remembered being there before. Piece of paper forgotten, he went over to investigate.
Hilford University was the letter head, and it took Ryan about three seconds to figure out that it was an application. A check for an amount of money Ryan had never even held in his hand lay atop it. Beside it was the same pamphlet Seth had showed him, though this one was fresh and new. Circled in heavy blank ink under the column 'Fields of Study,' was one word: Architecture.
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Read and review. Thanks a million for all your wonderful comments.
And if you've never seen it, or even if you have, rent Bowling for Columbine, whatever your political affiliation.