Woot! Hello fellow psychopaths! It's me, Shrilanka-San, here to scar your innocent young minds once again!
The following is rated PG for randomness, Joey getting his butt kicked, insanity, senselessness, and crud jokes about what color underwear people are wearing, or of the like.
To make a long story short, I was working on one of my stories, I asked for ideas for 'shorts' (literary fillers), and one nice reviewer by the name of ShadowFire2 pitched in the idea that Joey desperately tries to make Mai fall in love with him. Let's say the idea…kinda got a little warped. It's basically the same characters I have running in my current fanfic though. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this everyone!
THANK YOU SO MUCH SHADOWFIRE2-SAN! I hope you like it.
THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE IDIOTS WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH THE OPPOSITE GENDER
Based on and Idea by ShadowFire2
It was an average day in a small high school in the small, obscure town of Shelby Illinois (when I say obscure, I mean obscure), where poor, helpless students had to sit down once again and face the most horrible school subject invented by man…HEALTH CLASS! Filled with lame work sheets, studies of physical, mental, and emotional health, methods of building healthy relationships with your peers, family, etc. And with it came ancient textbooks with ancient overheads, and the most ancient, crusty female teacher, Ms. Jealluxcilovia, who is living proof that the common ape is the human's closest relative.
And so poor, innocent students had to suffer through all this horror, and with the study of the reproductive system and the three stages of death still miles away, there was no hope of anything exciting coming anytime soon. We had seniors who were here because they had to take it, to freshmen who were here to get it all over with. And oh no! Ms. J's coming to the front desk.
"Attention students!" she said, as the class continued to talk, completely ignoring her. When she first handed out not a sheet, but a guidebook of the rules and regulations on the first day of school, all hope for student respect from here pretty much disappeared. "Today we are going to view a visual study of how to form good relationships with the members of the opposite gender. Mr. Rodgers, you get the lights, Ms. Trostera, please stop poking Ms. Parker with that pen-"
Everyone else groaned. They knew what this meant. Ms. J had found a brand new movie from the secret underground filming agency that made the lamest educational movies with no entertainment value and put it on the black market for the specific use of teachers. Not fun.
"Okay class," said Ms. J, wheeling the model of the worlds first color television and VCR, which recently replaced the Beta tape player last Thursday, to the front of the room, "I hope you realize that this tape is brand new-"
Groans. They remembered the tape on the food pyramid.
"-and it's supposed to be very funny-" added the teacher.
Groans. They remembered the one on bacteria.
"-and it stars characters from a badly dubbed Anime for boys!" said Ms. J.
There was a group 'huh?' and everyone gave each other a confused look.
"Students, I would like to present to you, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Idiots When It Comes to Dealing with the Opposite Gender!"
Before any of the poor, helpless students could say another word, the lame background music started, and it showed a huge, shapely blonde lady sitting at a stool in a café, sipping a mug of coffee. Then, there was a jingle from the bells that were on the door, and another blonde, this one a guy, who had a stupid grin on his face, walked up to her.
"HI MAI!" Joey screamed.
"Oi, do I have to move again already?" asked Mai.
Oh no. A few students in the audience…chuckled! NO! THIS IS A HEALTH VIDEO! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! IT'S THE FIRST SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE!
Joey just stared stupidly at Mai for a second.
"Do you have anything else you want to say?" she asked.
"WANA HEAR MY KNUCKLES CRACK?" Joey asked, and cracked his knuckles so loudly, that the glass windows behind him broke. And that was a good thing, because three seconds latter, he was chucked out the window by Mai, and landed on the sidewalk. Then he got run over by a bunch of cross country runners.
"Cool! That hurt!" he said.
"Hi Joey!" said Serenity , walking up to her big brother. "Uh, Joey, how come there are footprints all over your school uniform?"
"Serenity, I can't talk to Mai!" said Joey.
"Yep, that explains it," said Serenity.
"I must be the biggest idiot around girls in the known history of the universe!" said Joey.
At that moment, Seto got chucked out of the same window.
"I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING TO HER!" screamed Seto, pushing himself out of the colossal indent in the sidewalk pavement.
"See? No you're not!" said Serenity to Joey.
"Oh boy! What's up guys? Is this some kind of pile up?" asked Ryo sweetly.
"No Ryo, Joey just doesn't know how to talk to girls," said Serenity.
"I don't think any mortal mind could comprehend such an art," said Seto.
"NOT TRUE!" said Serenity. "For I know The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Idiots When it Comes to Dealing with the Opposite Gender!"
"NO WAY!" screamed Ryo.
"Way!" said Serenity. "And since I'm bored and feel like ranting, let's start!"
THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGLY EFFECTIVE IDIOTS WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH THE OPPOSITE GENDER
HABIT ONE: COMPLEMENTS
"People of the opposite gender, no matter which one, always enjoy being complemented on their looks, personality, or anything like that!" said Serenity, as she and Joey suddenly appeared back in the same café with Mai.
"OH MY GOD! SOMEONES FILMING A HEALTH VIDEO N HERE!" screamed Duke Devlin in horror, sitting in the same café. "EVERYBODY RUN!"
And so there was a mad stampede to escape from the horror of being filmed in a stupid health video that everyone could laugh at for generations to come.
"What's a complement?" Joey said.
"I figured you wouldn't know, considering no one in their right mind would give you one," said Seto.
"Oh! They sell pie!" Ryo said happily, looking at the menu.
"A complement is when you say something nice about someone," said Serenity to Joey. "But it has to be sincere. No one likes a huge, faking liar."
"HEY MAI!YOU LOOK HOT IN THAT MINI SKIRT!" screamed Joey enthusiastically to Mai. "I MEAN THAT SUCKER'S BARELY COVERING YOUR BUTT! I MEAN WHOA! AND THAT BLOUSE! WOOT! BABY BABY! BRING OUT THE RICE, 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT THE MEAT!"
SCENE CENSORED
"Okay Joey, there's such a thing as being too honest," said Serenity to Joey, who was lying in the street with a femur fracture, as well as an arm completely snapped in half, who's head looked like it was deflated.
"Gee, ya think?" said Seto in the doorway, as Ryo happily ate his personal pan of strawberry pie.
HABIT TWO: RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS
"Okay, when I found out that the Rare Hunters were short of money, the first solution that popped into my mind wasn't a bake sale," said Marik. "Can't we just beat someone up for cards and sell them on the black market?"
"Oh come on, we need to really get some public support for the Rare Hunters anyway," said Odion, putting out a tray of chocolate chip cookies. "I mean if we're going to maul people in dark alleys for cards, we might as well have some public appeal behind us so the angry mobs won't tear out our guts."
"Alright Joey," said Serenity, as she and our clueless male friends strolled through the park where the Rare Hunter's Bake sale was going on, "if there's one thing everyone agrees with, there is nothing more profound in changing people's emotions for the better than a random act of kindness."
"How do I do that?" Joey asked stupidly, as Mai calmly strolled through the park.
"It's easy," said Serenity. "Just do something nice for no good reason at all. Here, why don't you go by Mai a cookie or something?"
"COOKIES! AWESOME!" screamed Joey running to the table.
"This won't end well," said Seto.
"Cool! More pies!" Ryo said, walking toward the sale.
"HELLO INSANE PEOPLE!" screamed Joey at the table. "I'd like to buy sugary goodness for someone I have a major crush on! She's the most beautiful girl in the world. She's got huge purple eyes, and golden blonde hair, and a twenty inch waist, but she doesn't see anything in me no matter how hard I try to-"
"Of for God's sake, I'm a bake salesman, not an agony aunt," said Marik. "Pick out your filthy cookie."
"OKAY!" Joey said, snatching one off the plate.
"Fifty cents," said Marik.
"Here's a twenty!" said Joey.
"Deal!" said Marik, taking it.
"Cheh, sucker," said Joey to himself, not thinking that he just got jacked out of nineteen dollars and fifty cents as he walked up to Mai. "Hey Mai…I'm sorry I made you mad at the café…so I bought you this cookie to make it up to you."
"Wow Joey…that's really sweet," said Mai, taking it out of his hand and taking a bite out of it. "I don't know what to-ACK!"
Suddenly, she began gagging, the she fell to the ground, struggling to breath.
"Woops, he must have gone after those cookies I stuffed with ipecac or flavor," said Marik.
"And why in Ra's name would you do that?" asked Odion.
"Felt like it," said Marik.
"Something tells me that this step totally bombed," said Serenity.
Seto just snickered, and Ryo looked at his pie with the suspicion that it would do something, like explode.
HABIT THREE: THE TRIPLE F THREAT
"If there's one great way to make friends, it's by going by the Triple F Method," said Serenity as she sat in a movie theater with the boys.
"SHH!" screamed everyone in the back row.
"What's the Triple F Method?" Ryo whispered.
"Flatulence, Foot mold, and Freezer burn?" asked Joey.
"CENSORED, CENSORED, and CENSORED?" asked Seto. (A/N Have you ever noticed how many rude words start with 'f'?)
"SHH!" hissed everyone in the back, as a poor mother covered her little girl's ears.
"NO!" Serenity whispered. "It stands for fun, friendly, and funny! Everybody loves someone who's happy, optimistic, and fun to be around! That's why everyone likes Ryo!"
"Hello!" Ryo said politely to a tall, thin, red haired beauty wearing a flaming hot crimson dress.
"Here's my number. Call me," she said, handing him a little folded up piece of paper.
"That man's not real…" Seto said.
"Hmm…funny, fun, friendly…OKAY!" Joey screamed, leaping across several rows of chairs to get to Mai, who was sitting in the third to front row, plopping down happily next to her, and putting an arm around the back of the seat, as Mai cast him a very acid glance.
"What the CENSORED are you doing here you screaming loony?" she hissed through her teeth.
"Why did the frog's family all wear black?" Joey asked her.
"WHAT? What the frick is that supposed to mean?" she hissed again.
"BECAUSE HE CROAKED!" Joey said, holding out a tennis racket. "Wanna play?"
BAM!
Joey's body was hurled at a solid ninety six miles per hour over all the seats and into the filming room overhead, causing him to crash into the film projector and with several rippy sounds, the whole picture of Flipsy the Flatworm, Disney's new talking animal movie, completely vanished, leaving the entire room in complete darkness.
"I suppose this means that we wont figure out if Flipsy ever wins the heart of the very good looking Franny the Flatworm," said Seto.
"That's okay, we can pick up more pie on the way out!" said Ryo.
HABIT FOUR: CONVERSATION
"As a general rule, people love to talk to other people of equal of above average minds," said Serenity, as she, Joey, Seto, and Ryo sat at an outdoor café, under the beautiful golden sun, under colorful beach umbrellas over the tables. "And their favorite conversations, if you haven't guessed, are usually about themselves!"
"Wonderful! A pie stand!" Ryo said, skipping off happily.
"Why don't you go ask Mai a little more about herself?" Serenity asked, pointing to Mai, who was coolly sitting under a beach umbrella at a different table. "Not only will she be flattered that you know so much about her, it will also be a good chance to get to know her better."
"And don't run over or skip over there like an idiot. It's annoying," added Seto.
"Yay!" Joey said, happily walking over to Mai's table, as she shot him a 'get away from me this second or I'll dislocate both your arms and throw your defenseless body into the nearest traffic packed four way intersection during a pill up'. "Hi Mai! Em…wanna talk?"
"No," said Mai.
"I like cookies!" said Joey. "Do you like cookie's Mai?"
"When their not laced with ipecac," said Mai.
"Hey, what's your middle name anyway?" asked Joey.
"Why would you want to know that?" asked Mai.
"Do you wear a bra under that?" asked Joey, pointing to her blouse.
"Ew! Freak!" Mai said.
"Are you single?" asked Joey.
"Uh, rude," said Mai.
"What's circumference of a circle of which the diameter is 49 inches rounded to the nearest tenth?" asked Joey.
"What the heck are you talking about?" Mai asked.
"What color underwear are you wearing?" Joey asked.
---ooo---
"Hey, why are you switching the scene back to our table?" Seto asked the author. "I want to see Joey mauled!"
"OH GOD! I've never seen someone's arm bent that way!" Serenity said.
"Hey! I got an apple pie, and the nice lady running the stand threw in a free spray bottle of perfume!" said Ryo, walking back to the other two. "It's 'Devine Citrus', a bold, tropical flavor, with an almost exotic base which really elevates appeal!"
"You scare me," Seto said.
"RYO! CALL ME!" cried the girl from the stand.
"Okay Jessica! Thank you for the nice perfume!" said Ryo.
"That hurt…" Joey said, limping back into the scene.
"Well…better get onto the fifth habit," said Serenity. "Here we go…we're heading to the extreme lines now."
HABIT FIVE: HYPNOTISM
"Desperate times call for desperate measures," said Serenity. "When it comes to get a girl or guy, sometimes the only thing you can properly rely on is hypnotism. Even the most heartless, selfish jerk will fall for hypnotism if you do it right. For example, Seto."
"Oh yeah right," said Seto, as all four of our idiotic friends sat in a mall. "Like that's gonna happen. Do I look like the person who you can swing a watch in front of and voila?"
"Oh, we aren't going to use the watered down method," said Serenity, pulling out a huge mallet, and bonking Seto on the head with it, causing him to crash down on the nice clean tile floors. "When I clap, you will fall instantly in love with the first girl you see who isn't me, so don't get any ideas!"
Clap!
"What the Hellenistic Period happened?" asked Seto. "Serenity, your gonna get it for hitting me!"
"I don't think it worked," Ryo observed.
"Marik you idiot! Of all the stupid things you done, you got yourself floored by a health officer for lacing cookies in a bake sale with ipecac, and then I have to bail your sorry end out of jail?" said Ishizu, dragging Marik's sorry behind across the mall by his ear.
"OW! Ishizu baka no Onee-Chan! THAT HURTS!" screamed Marik.
"Whoa, hottie alert," said Seto.
"Uh oh," said Ryo, as Seto charged over to Ishizu.
"Hey babe," said Seto, walking uncomfortably close to Ishizu. "Aren't you a nice lookin' girl?"
"Excuse me?" Ishizu asked.
"Let me put it this way," said Seto, wrapping an arm around her. "If you cook as well as you look, I'll scrape from the bottom of the-"
Seto couldn't say another word, because Ishizu grabbed him by the throat, partially crushing his windpipe, and began slamming him onto the tile floor repeatedly.
"WOW! You mean Mai could love me that much?" Joey said.
"Here you go Joey," said Serenity, handing him the mallet. "Just go to Mai, and work that old black magic."
"YAY!" Joey said, happily skipping over to Mai, who had just walked out of a Victoria's Secret.
"Uh, aren't we kinda stalking Mai?" Ryo asked Serenity.
"It's all for the sake of education," said Serenity.
"HI MAI!" screamed Joey, suddenly appearing in front of her.
"My god, how long are you going to keep f-" Mai started, but then, she was clocked by Joey's mallet.
"Okay!" Joey said. "When I clap my hands, you will fall in love with the first guy you see! Especially if it's me!"
Clap!
"TAKE THAT YOU FREAK!" screamed Ishizu, throwing Seto's body right on top of Joey at the one hundred percent worst time in the history of man.
"Oh, you cutie!" said Mai, pulling up a very beaten up Seto. "Baby, if you're single, the I'm in heaven. If your not…well, that's easily fixed."
"Ew, no!" said Seto, turning around. "Oh! There you are Ishizu! WAIT UP SWEETIE!"
"Marik, do you think we have enough frequent flyer miles to get back to Egypt, like, now?" Ishizu asked Marik, who sighed and shook his head.
"A RIVAL TO MY LOVE!" screamed Mai, pulling out a huge bazooka, which she used to start zapping everything in sight as she chased after Seto who was chasing after Ishizu, leaving huge, smoldering craters wherever her bazooka gun hit it's mark.
"I don't think this mall's insurance covers hypnotized page-three girls running around zapping stuff with a huge bazooka gun," said Serenity as a huge part of the ceiling fell down in front of her.
"Aw, she destroyed the pie store," said Ryo, as Pies'R'Us crumbled down into a heap.
METHOD FIVE-AND-A-HALF: LOVE POTION
"Thank goodness we got everyone un-hypnotized!" said Ryo, eating some pie outside the huge apartment complex that Mai lived.
"An equally effective way to win the boy or girl you love is a Love Potion!" said Serenity, holding up a red, heart-shaped hand bottle labeled 'Love Potion Number Eight, Twice the Love, Half the Fat'. "This one will instantly make anyone fall in love with the first person they see, but is a tad more dangerous. Unlike hypnotism, a Love Potion's effect is immediate, and you won't be able to easily control the outcome. Also, it wears off, so you have to frequently re-dose people for cheep ones. Seto for example-"
"Oooooh no," said Seto, who was sipping a cup of coffee he picked up to help relieve him of the pain he had endure over the last 'demonstration'. "I am not sipping a drop of that sludge!"
"Too late. I slipped some in your coffee," said Serenity, as Seto spat it out. However, when he looked at the other side of the street-
"I'm telling you! There was some crazy guy who just came right up to me without even asking for my name, and he claimed he love me! Ugh!" said Ishizu, walking down the road with Tea.
"I say if you don't knock their heads around once a day, then you haven't had a good day," said Tea. "In fact, the first male that comes within ten feet of me is going to get beaten like an egg!"
"LADIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES!" said Seto, skipping across the road.
"We'll get back to that later," said Serenity. "Next problem. How are we going to get Mai to sip some of Joey's love potion. She's got to be onto us by now."
"GEE, YA THINK?" screamed Mai out of her apartment window.
"HEY MAI! WAN'T SOME OF MY LOVE POTION?" Joey called up to her.
"I JUST GOT A RESTRAINING ORDR! IF YOU COME WITHIN TWENTY YARDS OF ME, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO MERCILESSLY BEAT YOU!" she screamed out the window, slamming it.
"What she's been doing isn't merciless beating?" Serenity asked.
"MEDIC!" Seto cried from the other side of the road as he was having his sorry butt whooped by Tea and Ishizu.
HABIT SIX: THREATS
"Okay, who writes this garbage?" said Serenity, sitting in the waiting room as Seto was receiving his cast and medication, due to the fact that he shattered four ribs, cracked two, and broke his left arm in seven places by getting too close to Tea and Ishizu.
"I just received this letter made of cut out newspaper comics to come here completely unarmed," Mai said, walking into the waiting room. "What the heck's going on?"
"HA! I HAVE CAUGHT YOU IN MY TRAP MAI!" said Joey, holding up a Super Soaker. "Now it's just you and me!"
"And the other thirty-seven people in this room," said Mai.
"S1L3NC3!" screamed Joey. "Now, either become my girlfriend, sew a button on my shirt, and agree to go for dinner and a movie with me on Saturday night, or I shall-"
"Huh," Mai said, pulling out a ruler and measuring the distance between her and Joey. "You are within twenty yards of me. Hooray."
Before Joey could say another word, Mai grabbed him by the arm, and began slamming him on the ground, and now she's putting him in a strangle hold and twisting his arm to his back, and know she's tearing into his-AAAAH! NOT FOR A PG RATED FAN FICTION! CHANGE THE SCENE!
---ooo---
"Good idea!" Serenity said, covering her eyes.
"Ah," Seto sighed in bliss, walking out of the emergency room. "Joey is in deep and dire pain. I suddenly feel so much better."
"Seto! You're alright!" Ryo said. "Let's celebrate! Who wants pie?"
"Good thing we're in an emergency room," said Serenity, as Joey's half-dead body was tossed back into the scene.
HABIT SEVEN: LYING
"You know, this is so stupid, I'm not doing it anymore!" Serenity said, walking out of the movie story line for good.
"Hello!" Ryo said at a local pie stand at the center of town. "I would like two pies please!"
"CONGRADULATIONS! YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY OVERUSED THIS PIE JOKE!" said the pie salesperson. "You've won a million dollars, a car, a pony, and an obscure European Country of your choosing!"
"Oh! I wan Lithuania!" said Ryo, as a Bob Barker's Chick sort of girl drove up a car piled with money.
"Stupid British girly-boy," said Seto, watching the whole scene from a distance.
"Hey baby," said Joey, dressed up in a rent-a-tux, while wearing a popped out piece of eyeglass and calling it a monocle. "I'm Joey Wheeler, and I am a habazillionare with an IQ of…hey, what's a really high number? Wanna ride in my limo?"
"THAT'S IT! I'M SICK OF YOU! I'M SICK OF ALL OF YOU!" screamed Mai, shoving on a bikers helmet. "So you know what? I'm going to become a Doom Biker, and join up with a stupid Australian who looks like Tai from 'Digimon', a guy who runs around in a belly shirt and feminine hairdo, an overly buff weirdo who thinks his cards are alive, all under the rule of a guy who wears a yellow contact lense, mascara, and who died his hair blue! AND THE FIST THING ON MY AGENDA IS TO KILL YOU, YOU SIMPERING PRAT! SO THERE!"
And with that, Mai hopped on a red motorcycle and rode away into parts unknown.
"There's a lesson to all of this, I just know it," said Seto.
"I think she likes me!" Joey said.
---ooo---
All the poor kids in health class stared in horror at everything they just witnessed. For the first time in the history of forever, no kid dared to speak out of turn in Mrs. J's class, or any other self-respecting health class for that matter.
"Well, I hope you learned a valuable lesson in all that kids!" said Mrs. J. "Now take out your notes. Today we're going to start our unit on the human body!"
And so, a small flicker of hope once again rose in the chests of our poor, tortured health students, for with the human body comes many disgusting and rude things that the school actually teaches you, and everything slowly began to look up.
---ooo---
So what did you think? THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN SHADOWFIRE2! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME WHEN AND IF YOU READ THIS!
Goodnight everybody!