Behind the façade
Post ep for "Too Tough to Die".
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, as we all know, the characters of CSI belong to Anthony Zuiker et al!
"Grissom, I wish I was like you... I wish I didn't feel anything".
With that, Sara turned her tear-stained face away from her supervisor, leant against the door for several seconds in a vain attempt to compose herself and left Grissom's office.
Grissom sat motionless in his chair as he tried to process what Sara had just said. He let out an audible sigh as he registered that, once again, a member of his team had suggested that he lacked emotion. He didn't. It simply wasn't true.
He did feel, but years of experience on the job had taught him that forming an emotional attachment with the victims often hindered a CSI's ability to remain unbiased and focused on the evidence. He had formed a stoic façade out of necessity to the job. He recognised the fact that he wasn't exactly the most socially aware person and his people skills certainly left a lot to be desired, yet Sara's words stung nonetheless. Of all people, he wished he could prove to her that he had feelings; if only she realised just how deep his feelings for her ran...
She had awakened feelings in him from that first seminar back in San Francisco. Yes, they were fifteen years apart in age, but they had connected on a level known only to them: she with her raw passion for learning and an intelligence beyond her years, he with his love his job and of sharing knowledge. They shared an unequivocal bond... But he knew that if he ever let his façade crumble, he risked exposing his failings, inadequacies and vulnerability. This façade was his impenetrable wall of defence, enclosing a myriad of emotions, locking them away from the outside world. As long as they remained locked away he could continue as normal, letting himself believe that he was doing the right thing, protecting Sara from a man who would ultimately disappoint her. Yet, to knock down the walls and let his emotions escape... he didn't know if he could cope with the outcome.
Yes, Sara would realise that there was more to Gil Grissom than the sterile exterior of a workaholic scientist who was more engrossed in his bugs than real people, but would she really want the love of a slightly overweight, grey-haired man, fifteen years her senior? At times, he had interpreted their flirty banter as the fleeting crush of a student on her teacher. Yet, real love, ... he was terrified of the sensations and feelings she generated in him by her sheer presence and couldn't dare hope that those feelings were even somewhat requited by Sara. And if they were... well, he would still be scared that once he let down his guard and opened his heart to her, she would realise her mistake and leave him crushed.
He glanced at the door and wondered whether he could at least tell Sara that he did 'feel' as other people did. He started towards the office door, but his resolve failed as he reached for the door handle. He sank back down into his chair and sighed again.
Maybe the façade would disappear, one day,... but not today.