Disclaimer: I do not own Phantom of the Opera, Erik, the movie, the book, the play, or any of the characters or anything, they all belong to their respectful owners.

!IMPORTANT! A/N: Yes, this is one of those stories where the author watches the movie scene by scene, moment by moment, trying to squeeze something funny out of every single second. I am well aware that other people have done this, and if they have a problem with me putting this up, please don't sue me just review me. (contact me)

Please review, even (especially) if you think it sucks.

We begin our story with Old Man Raoul getting into a wheelchair. Exciting.

Raoul: Well, after that 'accident' where I told Gerrik I thought Lon looked better…

Then we see a ramp leading up to theopera housewith lots of children playing on it.

Children: (fall off)

Obviously there is a wheelchair ramp because a lot of people thought Lon looked better.

Auctioneer: Lot 663, a blah blah blah blah blah… worth five francs. Six…seven… do I hear eight? Nine… I can count!

Giry: Hi, it's me! My presence is made obvious! Now continue. I came here just for that monkey you know.

Raoul: I didn't.

Auctioneer: Lot 664, three human skulls. That's sure to sell like hotcakes. Worth ten francs. 10? 15? 20? I can count by fives also. (beams)

It seems as though Raoul and Giry can communicate using a series of stares and sighs. I think I'll try it. (staresigh)

Auctioneer: Lot 665. Yes, I've been standing here all day going through over 600 lots. By the way, this lot is the monkey music box. It still plays Masquerade! Doesn't that just bring back memories of the good old days?

Raoul: (staresigh to the monkey)

Giry: (staresigh)

Monkey: Masquerade, I'm worth a lot of francs.

Raoul: (stare)

Giry: (sigh)

Auctioneer: 15 francs?

Giry: stare

Auctioneer: Thank you.

Raoul's maid: 20 francs!

Raoul: I don't want that useless piece of junk!

Giry: 25 francs!

Auctioneer: Do I hear thirty?

Raoul's maid: 30!

Raoul: I don't want it!

Auctioneer: Too bad! Sold to Old Man Raoul.

Raoul: (singing) A collectors piece indeed. To bad I don't collect crap. Will you play that annoying tune until I'm dead?

Auctioneer: Okay, lot 666 then. You know, they really should have skipped that lot number. Like number 13. It's just… scary. The lot is a chandelier. Some of you may recall that strange affair Christine had with The Phantom of the Opera.

Raoul???

Auctioneer: Oops. Anyway, we are told that this is the exact chandelier the Phantom tried to aim at Carlotta's fat butt. How did he miss?

No offense to Minnie Driver! Just Carlotta! Really!

Chandelier: Dun! Dun dun dun dun dun!

Raoul: Does anyone hear something?

Now we can see the opera house making some sort of metaphorical transformation. Ooh, ah. Firmin and Andre get out of the carriage.

Firmin: What have we gotten ourselves into?

Andre: Does anyone hear something?

Then we go on some strange, pointless tour of the opera house, seeing gold horses, dancing girls and other eye candy… but why do we have to see people doing the laundry? (seriously, its there)

Buquet: Hello, I'm J. Buquet.

Outside, we can see young Roaul arriving in his carriage.

Raoul: Does anyone hear something?

At this point the Chandelier Music stops. That was kind of a long time.

Carlotta: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Something about SAAAAAAVIOURS! SAAAAVIIOOOURS!

Reyer: How can you understand what she is saying?

Two words: English subtitles. Then we see Piangi singing and a small man aka Mini Me who looks just like him…

Piangi: THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND WE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!

Mini Me: (does sign language)

The current manager enters with Andre and Firmin.

Manager: Ladies, gentlemen, and Carlotta—

Carlotta: MAHA!

Manager: These are our new managers. They used to be in the junk business. Isn't that splendid?

Andre: (coughscrapmetalcough) And here is some guy from Christine's childhood.

Raoul enters and you can just hear the fans squealing.

Christine: It's Raoul! Before my father died—

Meg: Oh get over it, your dad is dead and there is nothing you can do about it!

Christine: Lalala, I can't hear you. Anyway, Raoul and I used to be childhood sweethearts. He used to call me 'Little Lotte".

Meg: Little Lotte? Where did he get that from? At least he's handsome. (swoon)

Is there such thing is a Meg/Raoul fan?

Raoul: kisses Carlotta's hand

Is there such thing as a Carlotta/Raoul fan?

Carlotta: He laufa loveme.

I take that back. Is there such thing as a Carlotta fan?