It was nighttime. Neither of us had brought a watch, but it felt like midnight. I kept hearing tiny scratches on the church walls. I knew it was probably raccoons, but I felt sure it was monsters.

I wanted to wake Johnny up cause I was scared. I missed Soda, even Darry. Johnny wasn't scared, not of being alone, being sort of outside. He'd gotten over that kind of fear a long time ago since he was always taking off from his house. And he didn't always come to our house. Lots of times he just slept outside, in a park or the lot. But me, I was like a baby. Couldn't sleep without my brothers, especially since mom and dad died.

Scritch scritch scratch. Witches, pinched faced little vicious creatures without names, ghosts. Scritch scritch. Goose bumps had raised on my arms, the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

"Johnny," I said his name loud enough for him to hear but quiet enough so the things outside wouldn't hear.

"Yeah?" He was really asleep, wouldn't open his eyes. But he knew I was scared, put his arm around me, and I listened to his breathing, slow and deep. That way I fell asleep myself.

It was better in the morning. Bright, warmer, the fear dissolved in the light like it had never existed at all.

From the times Johnny's slept at our house I knew he didn't get up all that early. I let him sleep. For a moment I felt a pang of guilt for all this. I'd woken him up that night and made him go to that park with me.

I lit up a cigarette and tried to think who Johnny could have been fooling around with and where. Boy, he was mysterious.

"Hi," Johnny stood rubbing his eyes, trying to shrink in that jean jacket, his shoulders hunched up cause he was cold. We should have asked Dal for a blanket.

He groped out a cigarette and lit it, his eyes half shut. He didn't wake up too easy either.

With the cigarette in his mouth he rubbed his arms fast. I sat on the back steps, watching clouds trail across the sky, watching Johnny smoke like I'd watched him so many times.

I wanted to ask about his sexual experience, wanted him to tell me in full detail, like a story I was reading. But Johnny wasn't much for detail, in fact, for all that we were friends, he hardly spoke. From time to time I'd drag things out of him but not usually. Usually I'd just let him be.

But the days here threatened to stretch on into some strange eternity and we only had the book and each other for entertainment. I was gonna do some dragging.

"Johnny?"

"Yeah?" He looked at me through the smoke of his cigarette, and he looked mighty different with his hair cut short. For as long as I've known him it had hung in his eyes, a black greasy mess.

"Tell me about those boys,"

"What boys?"

"The boys, the boys, the ones you fooled around with. Tell me about it,"

I looked at him and he looked away. He was debating telling me. What could it hurt? Hell, I knew now.

"Why do you want to hear 'bout that for?" He didn't look at me, didn't even turn toward me. He looked at the sky.

I went over to him, leaned my head on his shoulder.

"I want to hear about it cause it's exciting, it's cool. Please tell me," I'd beg him if I had to. That usually worked. As the youngest of three I could beg pretty well, and knew how to needle those who were older into giving me what I wanted.

He pitched the cigarette and looked at me, yawned, he still wasn't fully awake. Maybe that helped.

"Okay," he said, and I snuggled up to him to listen, liking the sound of his quiet kind of scratchy voice. I pictured it all in my head like a movie as he talked.

…………………………X……….X…………X……………..

"It was two years ago and I was runnin' away, y'know? I went to this bar where they had pool tables and stuff and sat at the bar. I was real thirsty cause I'd ran, my old man was after me but I'd outran 'im, that fucking asshole,"

"So anyway, the bartender says do I want anything and I say yeah. But I didn't have money and swore about it. 'Forget it,' I said, almost about to cry over a fucking soda, y'know? But this kid sat next to me and said, 'Don't worry. I got money. What do you want?' This kid was like 17 or 18 maybe, and his hair was blond. Not like Dal's, real white, but nice. Just lighter than Soda's."

"So I get a coke and thank him and all and notice his eyes are brown, which is kinda strange with blond hair. But nice. I liked how this kid looked, liked how his fingers looked around the glass of soda, liked how his lips looked, full and red, like a girl's, almost,"

" 'Hey kid, what's the matter?' he said, looking at me all funny. I wanted to go hide somewhere. Of course I looked like shit. My old man had been whipping me with his belt, and I'd been running for like two blocks to outrun the bastard. 'I'm running away,' I told him. Cause I was. I wanted to run and never come back,"

" 'Oh yeah?' he says, all cool, and drinks something that's not just soda. And when the bartender went into the back to get some shit he reached over the counter and grabbed a bottle of rum, dumped some of it in my coke. 'Drink that, you'll feel better,' he said. I hadn't drank much and it was strong but I didn't care. I wanted to feel better,"

"After a little bit I did feel better, less wound up like I felt all the time, and the kid smiled at me and bought another drink when that one was gone. He told me his name was Chris at some point. There was music at that bar, and it sounded good, like it was what I wanted to hear, y'know? And I really liked Chris' blond hair, how it looked with those brown eyes, and I thought I wanted to maybe kiss him,"

" 'I got a car,' he said, 'if you want a ride,' I told him yeah and jumped up, ready to get the hell out of Dodge. I kind of swayed cause of the drinks, I felt kind of dizzy. Chris laughed and held onto me. 'C'mon, Johnny, let's go,' "

"So we get in the car and it's really dark out. The car was kinda big and he put on the dashboard lights. I felt funny cause I'd never been drunk before but I was then. He put his hand on my thigh and I just stared at it, then he leans toward me and I kind of backed up against the door. I wasn't scared, just surprised. 'I like you,' he said, his words slurring, and he's drunker than I thought he was. 'Yeah?' I said, starting to find it hard to talk, hard to think. 'Yeah,' he said back, and came closer. And he kissed me, so hard and so suddenly that I tensed up, kinda pushed him away but he pushed back, kept kissing until I opened my mouth and relaxed against the car door and let him,"

" 'I like you,' he said again, his eyes half closed. He was bigger than me, like as tall as Dally, and he still kissed me but he was trying to undo my jeans and I felt scared and excited, and more scared cause I was excited and the other way around, you know? He got the jeans undone and yanked 'em down and it was cold, then he kissed me again but while he's doing it he grabbed my dick and went up and down with his hand so slow, like a lazy motion, and I liked it, and I liked how he was kissing me so hard, not letting me up,"

" 'I'm gonna fuck you,' he said, and kissed me again and slid my boxer shorts down and off and I backed up against the door as far as I could go. 'What?' I said, feeling like scared but turned on at the same time. 'I'm gonna fuck you,' and I pushed at him, shook my head no. 'No,' I whispered it and he got my legs up and held me with one hand while the other fumbled with a jar on the floor. 'Shhhh, yes,' he said, and kissed me so gently, his tongue so delicate against mine. I felt something cold down there, it felt weird. Like cold and soft and I sucked in my breath, I was pressed against that door as much as possible, and I wanted to leave but I wanted to stay, too,"

" 'Shhh, Johnny, relax,' he said, 'you'll like it,' and he pushed himself into me and I tried to push him away but he was bigger and stronger and he kept doing it, slowly, trying not to hurt me but it hurt anyway. So I kind of gave up, stopped pushing at him to stop cause he wasn't listening, tried to relax like he said to and it didn't hurt as much, and then it felt good, even though I wasn't sure if I wanted it to,"

"I was breathing all funny and Chris had closed his eyes, rocked his hips, and I pushed at him to stop and he looked at me like he knew what I wanted better than I knew, and he held my wrists so I'd stop pushing at him. And it, with him inside like that, it pushed on something, some spot that felt so good, like out of this world good, and then I came, and he did too cause I felt it, and his face looked like he was in pain, and he slid out, let go of my wrists, kissed me again. He noticed I'd come and said, 'See? I told you you'd like it,' "

……………..x……………………..x………………………..x

I stared at him. That kinda sounded like rape to me.

"Uh, Johnny, that's like rape,"

He shrugged, lit up another cigarette.

"So? He was right, I liked it,"