It was sunny, and nice, and I could forget for awhile that we were in a world of trouble.
I closed my eyes and could still see the brightness through my closed lids.
Johnny'd gone inside and was sleeping. I liked it better out here in the sun. I remembered when we were regular kids and not fugitives.
I thought about some things from that night Johnny killed the soc. When Cherry was asking me about Darry and I got all mad and yelled at him. I remembered the way he'd winced like I hit him but he had looked sort of…something. It was hard to explain how I liked to look at him, even when he was upset. Sometimes especially when he was upset.
And then her boyfriend showed up and Johnny had looked at them with that look, his head down and looking sideways at them. That's when I got the idea they were the same socs that had beaten him up.
Maybe I'd fall asleep out here. I worried about my brothers worrying about me. I worried about how I was feeling about Johnny, worried about the cops, that dead kid in the park.
I felt like I couldn't breathe, everything was crazy. I had this light headed sense of unreality. Could a person die from feeling anxious? I thought maybe they could. I tried to suck in air but none would come.
"Ponyboy?" Johnny had come outside, his voice soft, questioning. I looked at him but didn't speak. I wondered if I looked like I was falling apart, if I looked like I felt.
"What's wrong?" Sharper concern, and he was looking at me intently, kind of squinting his eyes like he does when he's concentrating, or worried. And that answered my question. He could see something was wrong.
"Uh, nothing. Nothing," I wondered why I bothered to lie, he could tell I was lying. And this, this whole thing had changed our relationship. And I didn't know if it was good or not. All I seemed to know was that I wanted to be kissing him and touching him, and that the usual rules just didn't seem to apply.
He laid down beside me. His clothes were looking slept in, rumpled and wrinkled and uncomfortable. Maybe we could wash our clothes in that little pond with the soap he bought, like Gypsies. We could lay the clothes out in the sun to dry.
"Nothing, huh?" he said, giving me a sideways glance. I thought he might feel guilty like I did. After he'd killed that soc, right after, and I woke up freezing wet on that cement, he had looked so…stricken. So young, but kind of older, in a terrible kind of way. Before I even knew what had happened I knew, just by looking at his face, that things would never be the same.
"No, not nothing. It's…" I couldn't explain. I just didn't have the words. He looked at me and I knew he knew, he knew what I meant without my having to say anything. We'd always been like that, that hadn't changed. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling confused all of a sudden.
I felt his arms around me and I leaned into him, shuddered. He was warm and familiar, but this wasn't familiar, this intimacy. He touched my hair, kind of smoothed it with his hand, and he was so gentle. I almost felt like I was gonna cry but I didn't and he kissed me by my temple, then my cheek, then on the lips. Sweet and soft. So I opened my eyes and kissed him back.