Fatal Incompatibility.
Summary: James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)
Disclaimer: If this was mine would I need one of these? Alright I'm disclaiming! All the characters you recognise belong to JKRowling, anything you don't recognise is mine. ALL MINE!
Chapter 3: DAMN IT!
"I rant, therefore I am." - Dennis Miller
"Damn it!" James exclaimed loudly for the 10th time in as many minutes. Remus had given up raising his eyebrows at him and Sirius thought he might need eyeball replacement surgery after the number of times he had rolled his eyes, Peter had just decided to ignore his friend until the subject changed.
James stabbed at a scuffed piece of parchment viciously and cursed when his quill sunk into his thumb by mistake. Sucking the wound to lessen the pain he demanded angrily,
"Why Evans?"
Remus raised his eyebrows, even though he had promised himself he wouldn't, and wondered if you could pull a muscle from eyebrow-raising. "Well, other people did I try out."
"They were useless." James said bluntly,
"Well technically, yes…"
"Some of them hadn't touched a broom since first year, Remus!"
"Some of them hadn't touched a broom full stop!" Sirius put in helpfully; well at least he tried to pretend that that comment was helpful,
"Damn it!" James yelled again, much to the vexation of those in the common room who were working, they still managed to hear him even though he was shouting from the Marauder's dorm.
"What's so bad about having Lily on the team?" Peter asked curiously. James looked at him with an expression nearing the one he had given Peter in 1st year; the time when Peter had asked James why he had an inherent loathing of Cornish pixies. The look said it all in three simple words, "Are. You. Mad?"
Unfortunately Sirius and Remus did not appear to think that Peter's statement warranted his immediate removal to the insanity wing at St. Mungo's. "That's a good point Pete," Sirius mused, James' jaw dropped.
"Laying aside the point about your mutual dislike for each other," Remus began,
"Which she is obviously willing to ignore for the time being in order to be on the team." Sirius interrupted. Remus glared at him but continued as if no one had spoken,
"She was the best person who tried out for the seeker position; she gets on well with the team." James opened his mouth to protest, "Fine. She gets on well with most of the team."
"She's smart, and loves Quidditch." Sirius added,
"She has all the same frees as you so she'll always be able to make practise." Peter put in his two cents. James glared at the three, looked at his papers, tore them in half and yelled at the top of his voice,
"DAMN IT!"
Remus struggled with himself in attempt to stop his eyebrows from becoming permanently attached to his hair line. "So, are you going to tell her now? Or will you tell her later?" James scowled at the identical grins on his three friends faces and said,
"I thought I was the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain."
"You are, as long as we agree with your decisions." James glared again, stood up and stomped down to the common room. Remus gave up and raised his eyebrows at Sirius who rolled his eyes back before getting up to make sure James didn't kill Evans before the first practise, or vice versa.
They met up with James at the bottom of the stairs, and wondering why he was so silent they followed his line of vision. Lily was sitting by the fire talking to Parisa and Artis, they were obviously joking around and as the four boys got nearer he heard what Lily was saying,
"My name is James Potter – but you can call me God!" She said in a ridiculously low voice, "I will smite the evil Lily Evans for daring to exist!" She gave up on the voice and said smiling slightly, "there is no way Potter would let me on the team if I was the last person on the planet, because that is the type of selfish, self-important person he is."
No one said a word and Lily's smile faded slightly, "He's right behind me isn't he?" Parisa and Artis nodded, and Lily turned around to confront a not very amused Potter and three sidekicks. "If you're waiting to see me cry I'm not going to."
"What are you talking about, Evans?" James asked tersely,
"Just because I didn't get onto your stupid team doesn't mean I'm going to burst into tears, so if that was your intention you can just leave and go back to making whoever your victim at the moment is life hell."
"Excuse me?" James said coldly,
"You heard." Lily replied, equally frostily.
"Evans," James said with no expression evident in his voice, "I just came over to inform you that after careful deliberation you have been selected as Seeker." Lily's jaw dropped, but she recovered quickly and looked at James in abject coolness, "however, as you have decided that you no longer want to be on the team I may have to review my initial decision."
Sirius, Remus, Peter, Artis and Parisa looked between the two tensely as James turned and walked away. There was a beat and Lily quickly got up, ignoring her friends, and grabbed Potter's arm as he left. James swung around, and his eyes flashed dangerously when he spotted Lily, so much so that she quickly withdrew her hand from his arm. James was counting his blessings that he hadn't flinched.
"Potter." He looked down on her and the common room began to quieten to see what would happen between the two, "I would like to, apologise," Lily reluctantly said, she knew when she was in the wrong. However, James did not lose any of his impenetrable expression at her words, she continued anyway, "apologise for, making comments which were clearly unjustified, at present" The common room waited with baited breath for what would happen next and so were disappointed when James still did not make any indication of listening to a word Lily was saying, he looked at her with impassive hardness, "S…so," Lily stuttered on, "I definitely would like to accept a place as seeker," and then very quietly, "if you'll still have me."
The silence spread and every eye fixed on James as they waited for his response. The tension grew and finally James turned around and running a hand through his hair he said, "Don't be late for practise."
"When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"" - Brady's First Law of Problem Solving
Back in the fifth year boy's dormitory the four Marauders each sat on their beds, there was a moment of awkward silence as Sirius, Remus and Peter watched James, "You handled that very well James." Remus said at last and the other two nodded vigorously in agreement,
"Why did she say that?"
"What, the 'My name is James Potter – but you can call me God!'" Sirius said dramatically, Peter sometimes wondered if Sirius would run away to be an actor,
"No, the part about me making some other victim's life hell. She called me selfish and self-important and then accused me of taking pleasure from seeing her cry!" James voice rose towards the end of his speech, "What PLANET is she from?" he asked in exasperation.
"Well, you have probably made her almost cry a record number of times." Remus began gently,
"That's because she's infuriating, I didn't take pleasure from it or wake up in the morning with the express purpose of making her cry." James ran his hand through his hair again,
"We do pick on Snape and the other Slytherins," Remus put in,
"And a few other deserving people." Peter added,
"Exactly deserving people and they either do it to us or are too stupid to be believed!" Sirius burst out; James nodded in agreement before falling back into thought,
"Am I selfish and self-important?" He asked in a small voice,
"You're one of the most generous guys I know." Peter said kindly,
"You did only finally agree to let her on the team because we bullied you into it." Remus pestered,
"Stop being so pessimistic, Remus." Sirius grunted,
"I let her on for the good of the team. We need the best out there so Gryffindor wins the House Cup this year, I'm sick of Diggory gloating over it." Remus looked at James doubtfully before giving up and rolling his eyes.
"Fine, whatever you say, James."
James glared at him, "Shut it, wolf-boy!" he teased. Remus went slightly pale, but Sirius punched him playfully on the arm,
"I wouldn't tease Remus if I was you Jamsie-wamsie, in just a few weeks we'll all know what kind of creature you really are, I'm still betting on it being an amoeba."
"You don't even know what an amoeba is, Sirius." James laughed,
"Of course I do, it is a small jelly-like thing which is slightly grosser than Severus Snape."
"Um…Whatever you say Sirius?" James muttered, shooting 'did-you-tell-him-that' stares at Remus. Remus shrugged back.
"Anyway you let Evans on the team." Sirius said in a sing-song voice, changing the subject to hide the fact that he had absolutely no idea what an amoeba was. James looked momentarily taken aback at the quick subject change but then he dropped his head between his hands and shouted at the top of his voice,
"DAMN IT!"
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally." - W. C. Fields
Lily was in shock. She sat in one of the chairs in front of the fire and slowly started to tear the bottom of her parchment into even lines. Parisa and Artis looked at her worriedly for a moment before Artis grabbed the parchment out of Lily's hands, she didn't think McGonagall would appreciate a shredded piece of homework.
After several minutes of silence in which Lily stared at the fire and Artis and Parisa looked tensely at each other Lily finally spoke, "I'm on the team." She spoke with numb disbelief,
"Er…yeah. Congratulations." Parisa said, that wasn't exactly what was on her mind at the moment,
"But, he doesn't like me. He wouldn't let me on the team if the House Cup depended on it."
"Your kind of underestimating him don't you think, he did put aside his personal dislike for you and let you on the team. He obviously knows you're the best." Artis said gently,
"He didn't do it willingly; I could have heard him cursing if I was in the dungeons."
"Well, you did call him selfish and self-important, insinuated that he thought he was God and that he was some kind of sadist who liked making you cry." Lily looked embarrassed,
"I apologised." She looked up eyes wide, "Dear God, I apologised to James Potter." Artis and Parisa looked at her as if she needed a straight-jacket,
"And that's terrible because…?" Parisa asked curiously,
"Because he's James Potter, and he makes my life and other's lives hell. He doesn't deserve a sorry." She said, fully aware that she sounded like a petulant 5 year old who had just discovered that the world didn't revolve around her, but ignoring that thought anyway.
"Lily, you are sounding like a petulant 5 year old who has just discovered that the world does not revolve around them." Parisa said disapprovingly. Lily sank her head into her hands,
"I know. When it comes to James Potter though I just become slightly unreasonable."
Lily sighed and Artis muttered "Slightly?" under her breath. The girls sat in silence for a while longer and Lily restarted her Transfiguration essay. She was half way through describing the correct wand movement for transfiguring a cactus into a badger when she suddenly smiled deeply, for a moment looking wonderfully and totally content.
"What?" Artis asked moodily, in her mind no-one who was in the middle of a transfiguration essay should look that happy until it was marked and handed back with an 'O' grade. At least.
"I'm on the Gryffindor Quidditch team." Lily sighed happily again and closed her eyes, day-dreaming for a moment about going onto the pitch after their final match of the season and the shouts of the commentator,
"Gryffindor have won the Quidditch Cup!"
In her perfect daydream she was holding the cup up and waving to an adoring crowd, she was hugging Frank Longbottom, Tristan Meadows, Helena Wan and the rest of the team excitedly, Professor McGonagall was congratulating her warmly and Dumbledore was there, eyes twinkling and secretly pleased Gryffindor had won.
Best of all James Potter was no where to be seen.
"It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?"
Sirius was starting to get a bit worried about James' despondency and was searching for a way to lighten his friend's mood. He suddenly struck on an idea which had been floating around in the back of his mind for a few days but before he could get it out James suddenly spoke,
"She doesn't even know me." He said in mild disbelief,
"James, mate, you're going to be slightly clearer on who you're talking about." Sirius said with a frown, he had just been about to lift this mood, and with a particularly excellent plan he would like to add, and now they seemed stuck with it until James had at least talked this out.
"Evans. Who else?" Remus and Sirius did have to admit he had a point, Peter merely looked enlightened. "She thinks she's better than me and she doesn't even know me. She assumes just because I don't get on with a few idiots, and the fact that I loathe her evidently judgmental ways I actually want to make her cry for my own pleasure. Does she think I'm some sort of sadist?"
Remus opened his mouth to reply but James cut him off,
"On second thoughts I don't want to know what kind of biased, unfounded idea she has of me. She knows absolutely nothing about me, about my family or anything I have been through. I will not let her ruin Quidditch for me."
"Don't you mean 'I will not her ruin my life for me'?" Peter asked
"Is there a difference?" James asked dully.
"Anyway…" Sirius cut in quickly before the mood took on too serious a tone, actually it was already 10 degrees more serious than Sirius had had planned for this evening, some people had no consideration, "I have this great plan for Snivellus."
The rest of the room immediately became more alert, James looked at his friend curiously, Remus leaned forward, a slight frown on his face and Peter looked excited and eager to begin. Sirius knew there was a reason he loved these guys.
"Well, now I have your attention."
"I have to protest that I have all of my attention right here." James snorted and everyone in the room was pleased that he seemed to be back to his old self. Lily seemed to have a knack for making James darker and more brooding than he usually was, as if he had some huge secret which she constantly reminded him of when she was close. Remus thought this unlikely though, if he had barely managed to keep an earth-shattering secret from the three of them for two years he doubted James would have been able to hide one for five.
"Are you all listening? Remus!" Remus snapped his attention back to Sirius, "Right, well what we need is a devishly complex spell, hunting jackets, four water pistols AND" he paused impressively, "a fail proof plan to hold Severus Snape long enough to transfigure him into a turkey."
Three jaws dropped, and one grinned to reveal two rows of sparkly teeth, with abnormally sharp canines.
"Where on earth do you get these ideas?" Remus asked in shock,
"Well it all started when we were talking to Evans and Humphreys after the start of term prank, Evans said something about not being able to hold my own against Snivellus because he would have an advantage with wings and I said that he would be like a turkey waiting to be plucked. An idea was born."
"But why water pistols and hunting jackets?" Peter asked curiously, instantly Remus decided he didn't want to know the answer when he saw the look on Sirius face,
"Friends, we're going turkey hunting!"
James snorted, which set Peter off, which in turn made Remus forget that as a prefect he was meant to be above such things and Sirius decided to join in, although not so enthusiastically because he had already spent lots of time laughing to himself in private moments about this particular gem of a plan.
"You have got to be kidding me?" James finally gasped out,
Sirius adopted at petulant look, "Why on Earth would I joke about something as vital as turning Severus Snape into a turkey?"
"But chasing him with water pistols?" Remus laughed doubtfully,
"A touch of pure genius if I do say so myself."
"But how are we going to turn him into a turkey?" Peter asked in amazement.
"Well, we could wish upon a star," Sirius said sarcastically, "Or we could use this fantabulous spell I found earlier."
"Where did you get it?" Peter asked, instantly wary after several experiences of Sirius' 'reliable' sources falling through to spectacular effect. He did not want to wake up with blonde pigtails and high heels again.
"The library." Sirius said defensively as his three 'friends' pretended to pass out with shock. "Shut up. Do you want to do it or not?"
"Sure." James said enthusiastically,
"But I'm not sure about the water pistols – it'll be kind of obvious that it was us if we start chasing him around with water pistols we just happened to have in our pockets." Remus said slightly worriedly,
"How about we just ask the house elves for fresh turkey and send them after him."
"Peter, you are a genius!" James laughed,
"Hey, I thought up the plan in the first place." Sirius muttered mutinously but the others, now deeply embroiled in planning, didn't pay attention to him.
"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic." - Spike Milligan
At breakfast the next morning four boys came bouncing down into the Great Hall, they each threw mischievous grins at the Slytherin table, but the occupants were so used to this that they would have been more scared if the Marauders walked past without looking at them.
Sirius walked slightly slower than the rest of his friends and appeared to keep running into something just in front of him, when he finally got to his seat he smirked at his friends and looked over at the Slytherin table, searching eagerly for his favourite greasy haired class mate. He noticed him talking to a blonde haired girl and nodded to James, "Right mate, he's all yours!"
James got up confidently and headed over to the Slytherin table. When he reached it he said loudly, "Black! How's my best friend's favourite little brother?" The black haired boy in front of him glared, but James apparently ignored the third year's rudeness, "So, your darling brother was wondering if your mother and father had anything to say to him."
Regulus Black looked disgusted at the reminder that Sirius was his brother, "As usual mother is pretending her dear eldest son doesn't exist – he's a disgrace to the Noble House of Black."
"Oh, dear, Sirius will be disappointed, he had been hoping to organise a full family reunion with your cousin Andromeda and her husband."
"The day that muggle and ex-relative of mine enter our house, will be the day the entire line of Black is dead!" Regulus said vehemently. James smirked and decided he had played with the child's mind enough – it was fun though, and so easy.
"I don't appreciate you suggesting my best friend has poor judgement in counting your Aunt a part of the family still." He waved his wand and Regulus found his hands on backwards. As Regulus yelled and Snape was distracted James poured some powder into Snape's goblet. Nobody noticed and so James smirked and turned back to Regulus, "Oh relax, Reggie, I'll turn them back." And with a wave of his wand Regulus Black had his hands the right way round again.
Heading back over to the Gryffindor table he grinned at Remus and Peter, as Sirius was ducking under the table apparently holding a conversation with himself. Nobody seemed to have noticed his little trip over to the Slytherin table and so his part of the prank done he sat back and waited for Snape to drink.
Sirius sat up and at that exact moment a loud "squawk" was heard around the Great Hall. Snape had taken a sip of his pumpkin juice and immediately turned into a rather large brown turkey. It still looked vaguely like Snape – his nose was decidedly hooked and his feathers looked slightly lank. Sirius shouted suddenly "That's the turkey I want!" and instantly four house elves appeared from under the Gryffindor table and ran at turkey Snape.
The turkey squawked again and flapping its wings took to the air, trying desperately to avoid the little house-elves who were shouting "Bad turkey! Bad turkey! Master Student wants a turkey. Come down bad turkey!" Their squeaky little voices ringing around the hall.
Looking around everyone seemed to be in hysterics, even some of the Slytherin table were laughing at their housemate's predicament. Sirius was giving short barks of laughter as he picked up the invisibility cloak from where it had fallen on the floor and handed it to James to put in his book-bag. The four Marauders were almost collapsing on the table, especially when one of the House Elves were lifted into the air as it finally managed to get hold of the Snape-turkey's leg. It was now screaming at the top of its little voice and finally the teachers appeared to notice the commotion.
"What on earth has happened to Mister Snape?" McGonagall asked in surprise as the turkey started to grow and his wings to thin. Suddenly his wings disappeared completely and were replaced with arms, he dropped from the sky and landed on top of the Hufflepuff table, still covered in feathers and with a beak, even though he was now back to his original shape.
"Mr. Snape, what on earth possessed you to turn yourself into a turkey?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes twinkling in amusement. The Slytherin tried to speak but all that came out was a loud "SQUAWK" renewing the fits of laughter going around the hall. James and Sirius were leaning against each other grasping their ribs and Peter was trying to drag Remus out from under the table between laughs. "Mr. Snape I suggest you go to the Hospital Wing." Dumbledore said kindly, and Snape, still covered in feathers exited the Great Hall, waving his arms as if trying to take off.
When the laughter finally calmed down, James wiped the tears from his eyes and glanced at his watch which read "5 minutes before you're late for class." He sighed and grabbed his three friends, "come on we better go before my watch starts shouting at me again."
Sirius laughed at the memory of James running down the corridor to Transfiguration while his watch was shouting at him "You're late, you're late, for a very important date, no time to say 'hello, goodbye' you're late, you're late, you're late!" Sometimes he thought James was scarred for life by that one experience.