Fatal Incompatibility.
Summary: James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)
Disclaimer: If this was mine would I need one of these? Alright I'm disclaiming! All the characters you recognise belong to JKRowling; anything you don't recognise is mine. ALL MINE!
Chapter 4: Letters and Secrets
"Life is terrible. Thank God." – Under Milk Wood, Dylan Thomas
A month or so after turning Snape into a turkey the four Marauders sat around the breakfast table yet again. They were surprisingly quiet, which was causing several people to get distinctly nervous.
James was still recovering from Quidditch practise the night before. He had finally settled into a routine with regards to how he should treat Evans - he would treat her exactly the same as everyone else. Considering how simple this plan was, and how well it was working for the time being, it was a miracle that he hadn't let Remus suggest it sooner. Remus was also looking tired; he was still recovering from the full moon a few days previously. The last time, the Marauders hoped, that he'd have to transform without them being there – the potion needed for the final part of their animagus transformation was rapidly nearing completion.
Suddenly the post owls appeared and a deep brown coloured owl winged its way towards James while a white owl flew to Peter. Peter grinned in delight when he realised who had sent the owl. Sirius grinned too, "Excellent. Pete's mum has sent more sweets! My stocks were dwindling."
"I'm sure you were fading away." Peter muttered sarcastically and Remus snorted into his porridge,
"Oh dear, Remus what have I told you about your pig-like behaviour? Go to your room and mind your manners." Sirius said in a high pitched and supposedly motherly voice, the fact that Sirius had probably never heard a motherly voice in his life caused Peter to remember his earlier assumption that Sirius would be an excellent actor. Remus merely snorted uncontrollably again.
"So, what did she send you, Pete?" James asked; laying his letter to the side unopened. Peter rummaged through the packaging, finally withdrawing a box which he opened with relish, his face taking on a sheen of excitement,
"Let's see," He murmured, "2 boxes of Bertie Botts, some chocolate frogs, 4 bars of super size Honeydukes chocolate, and…a cockroach cluster?" Peter said the last bit in dismay and his friends wrinkled their noses. Sirius actually looked pale – he had never forgotten the time when James had dared him to eat thirty of the things, he had been in the hospital wing for a week afterwards.
"Maybe she thought it would a useful prank item?" Remus said, unconvinced. Peter drew the letter towards him,
Dear Peter,
Here are a few sweets to tide you over until the next Hogsmeade weekend. Sorry about the Cockroach cluster – your Father said it would be amusing to see what you and your friends come up with for it, personally I just think he wants Sirius to eat it and end up in the hospital wing again (I don't think he has quite forgiven him for crashing his bike yet!)
Anyway best be off, hope your alright,
Hugs and Love
Mum.
Remus read the note over Peter's shoulder and Sirius grabbed it as soon as they'd done. "Sirius I told you not to mess with my Dad." Peter joked.
"I'm sure that Mr. Pettigrew had hours of your agony in mind when he picked out that sweet." Remus continued the joke with Peter. Sirius decided that he didn't want to stand for this teasing and so acquiring a bored air he merely said, nose in air
"As if your father could hurt one of the famous, noble Blacks."
Remus snorted again and decided that it must be quite as much of a bad habit as raising your eyebrows continuously, "Sirius, you're starting to sound uncannily like a male version of your mother."
Peter laughed and Sirius grinned and began to impersonate his mother, "You are a member of the Pure and Noble House of Black, GYRFFINDOR? GRYFFINDOR? No son of mine is sorted into that house, mixing with all those impure families!" Sirius sighed in a long-suffering but good natured way, "I really do sound like The Dominatrix don't I?"
Peter groaned "What did I say about calling her The Dominatrix? It brings up horrible images I think I could definitely live without." Remus and Sirius laughed before turning to James,
"You're being very quiet Jamie, old boy." Sirius said loudly,
"What did you get in the post then? Adoring fan mail from the Hufflepuffs?" Remus joked,
"Not today," James cracked a sardonic smile, "Just a letter from my grandfather. You know the drill," he said in monotone "Remember you are a Potter, a member of one of the oldest bloodlines around. I hear that you were beaten in Charms – Potter's come top in anything, you better work harder…and so on and so on." James sighed and took one of Peter's offered Bertie Botts,
"I think I'd rather get my parcel."
James grinned wanly, "I'd rather get your parcel."
"It doesn't sound too bad though, at least it isn't a Tuesday." Sirius grinned, trying to cheer his best friend up, letters from his Grandfather always had a bit of a dampening effect on James. Sirius knew why of course, but the others didn't. He was immensely pleased when Remus grinned and easily lifted the tension saying,
"Yes, then as well as a depressing letter from your Grandfather, Sirius would have his weekly howler from his mother."
James grinned slightly, "Sounds fun."
"Why don't you get on with your family exactly James?" Peter asked curiously, and Peter managed to turn the tension into something thick and sticky around them once more, "They always seem really nice to me when I visit."
"Oh, yes, they're perfectly nice." James said sarcastically, "You've never met my overbearing Grandfather though."
"It could be worse though," Remus said encouragingly, "I mean at least he doesn't send you a howler every week saying you're a disgrace." Remus expected Sirius to grin at the reference to his mother's letters like he usually did but instead he was looking anxiously at James who had his eyes on his plate. Sirius obviously noticed Remus looking curiously between him and James, so he said rambunctiously
"Excellent point Remus! Pay attention James, you are going to look on the bright side - you could have parents as bad as mine! You could have to turn into a wolf in a particularly painful way once a month! You could have a smelly, jelly shaped amoeba animagus form" James grinned and looked up, apparently snapped out of his melancholy,
"I have an idea for what to do with that Cockroach Cluster." He said excitedly and Peter banged his hand on his forehead,
"SO that's why you were looking so serious! And there was us getting all worried about your family life."
James grinned evilly, "So do you want to hear or not?" They all leaned in quickly, Remus still looking at James slightly oddly.
"Sometimes I think about having you executed, just to see the expression on your face." – Blackadder 2
20 minutes later the four boys walked out of the Great Hall laughing and kidding around. Lily sighed, another morning and no taunting from Potter, what a relief. She leaned over to where the four boys had previously been sitting and grabbed a jug of pumpkin juice rather unceremoniously. When she drew her arm back towards her she felt herself knock something on the floor.
Sighing and pouring herself some pumpkin juice Lily peered under the table and saw a piece of parchment under Remus Lupin's now unoccupied seat. She put down the jug before her cup completely overflowed and stretched under the table to pick up the parchment.
It was in a small white envelope and had a red wax seal on the back, and Lily, unwilling to read the private letter of one of her housemates turned over the envelope in the hope that there would be a name on the front. She read the neat italic writing and groaned, Mr. J. Potter.
It was typical really, the person who she wanted to see least in the world and now she had to purposefully seek him out.
Great.
An idea dawned on her and she turned casually to Parisa and Artis who were talking in loud voices about the upcoming Quidditch match.
"Parisa" she said sweetly "Artis," she continued as her two friends turned around to look at her, "You know you two are really great friends…"
Artis furrowed her brow at her and Parisa narrowed her eyes. "What do you want Lily?"
"Oh, nothing, whatever gave you that idea?" Lily said innocently, trying to smile brightly. Artis and Parisa looked at her shrewdly, and Lily sighed, "Fine, will either of you two please give this to Potter?" She grimaced slightly – there had definitely not been enough compliments before she said that.
"Oh, and why can't you give it to James." Parisa asked in interest,
"Well, um, you see," Lily began, before stuttering to a halt. She considered reeling off the speech she had once written about all the reasons why she hated James Potter and why she wanted to see him as much as she wanted to have deep and meaningful conversation with the Giant Squid, but decided that with class in 10 minutes there really wasn't time, so she just resorted to pleading, "Please, please," Here she grabbed Artis' arm and looked at her two friends appealingly, hoping to touch their compassionate sides, "I'll love you forever,"
"Sorry Lily, but if you can't think of a better reason than that it's a definite NO." Artis grinned.
Lily scowled, she should have known that those two 'friends' of hers would have a compassion by-pass on today of all days. She tried for a different tactic, "Fine, you'll just have to visit miserable me in Azkaban," Parisa's eyebrows shot up, "And you can rest assured that I will lay the blame solely on you two when I am sent there for murdering Potter in cold blood."
"Well, when you put it that way," Lily smiled expectantly at her friends, thinking how great they were,
"No."
"No?" she echoed in disbelief. "Do you want your best friend in prison? Do you want Potter dead?"
"No, I just don't believe you're capable of murder in cold blood."
"Plus, you might get off, I heard a woman got away with killing her husband after it turned out she was on her period." Parisa said, her eyes glittering in amusement at Lily's face.
"There are several problems with both of you, number 1: Are you suggesting Potter and I are married? Because if you are…"
"Number 2?" Parisa interrupted sweetly,
"Number 2: It isn't that time of month, and number 3: Why am I best friends with you if I can't even get you to deliver a letter? Sodding Potter, it's not like it would be difficult for you two to give it to him. Between us we have every class with him, but no you have to laugh at my misfortune. Stupid letter, I can't believe I picked up." Lily smiled slowly, a satisfied expression appearing on her face "Got it."
"What?" Parisa asked suspiciously,
"I'm going to leave it here." Lily replied easily,
"No you are not." Artis said in an affronted manner,
"Why can't I?" She asked petulantly,
"Because… don't you want to know what someone's writing to James about?"
"No. It's probably some fan-mail or something equally as horrendous, I don't want to know."
"It could be letters requesting his immediate removal from the school." Artis said cajolingly, to be quite honest she was fascinated by the idea of what was in the letter; she had seen the stony look on James' face as he read it.
"I can dream." Lily replied sarcastically, "But no, I really don't want to know."
"Well, just give the damn letter to Potter then because to be perfectly honest not everyone is that un-nosy and I doubt even you would wish personal information about Potter being found out by some prying Slytherin." Parisa said, starting to get angry,
"Fine. I'll just… give it to Remus." Lily said sulkily, as she gathered her books for the day and stood up,
"Excellent plan, why didn't you think of it sooner?" Artis said brightly, also gathering her things. Lily glared at her but she was roundly ignored, there wasn't really anything that threatening about Lily's glares unless you did something bad, very bad. Or, of course, if you were James Potter. Or occasionally if you were Sirius Black, Bellatrix Black, Regulus Black or Severus Snape. Artis thought that being on Lily's list of extreme dislike was probably the only thing they all had in common.
"The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear." - Herbert Agar
Half way through the last lesson of the day, which just happened to be charms, Sirius Black felt something collide with the side of his head. Glancing up see if anyone had noticed he spotted Remus pointing at the crunched up ball frantically and signifying that he shouldn't tell anyone. Sirius unrolled it carefully but lazily – just to annoy Remus – and then surreptitiously read the carefully penned note.
I need to talk to you after class. It's about James – I have a feeling you know something I don't. Do not tell anyone, especially James, and meet me in the library (I know you hate it but what's the likelihood of James coming in there?)
Sirius raised his eyebrows and swallowed, Remus had that glint in his eye that meant he had caught hold of something and was not letting it go, and last time Sirius had seen that look Peter had woken up a week later with a note by his bed threatening that he would be killed in particularly cruel and scarily well-thought out ways if he ever touched one of Remus' Chocolate Frog Cards again. Somehow Sirius thought this could be worse, fond as Remus was of Chocolate Frog Cards he probably cared more about James and whatever he wanted to talk about. It didn't help his nerves (he wouldn't have admitted they were nerves though if you held him at gun point and starved him for 6 days) that he had a fairly good idea what Remus might be thinking about – it would not be pretty. So Sirius swallowed again and penned his reply:
Do we have to go to the library Remus? Can't we use the Prefect's bathroom instead if it's that important that James doesn't find out? Anywhere but the library…PLEASE!
He tossed it back to Remus who didn't look happy when he was also hit in the side of the head by the paper ball; Sirius stuck out his tongue and mouthed 'pay back.'
"Sirius Black!" Flitwick shouted in his squeaky voice, almost toppling off his chair, "No talking, 5 points from Gryffindor." Sirius didn't look too put out and muttered to James,
"Shame it couldn't have been a detention, I think I'm getting withdrawals from being so good." James snickered.
"You… good…that's as likely as the Dominatrix opening a muggle orphanage!"
Sirius snorted and Flitwick turned around to glare at the pair so they faced front and took notes. Well they looked like they were taking notes, but James was in actual fact teaching Peter how to play hangman, a game he had learnt in muggle studies, and Sirius had charmed his quill to take notes of its own while he read Remus' reply.
Way to go you clot, losing points already! Anyway, yes we can use the bathroom, though why you'd rather be in there than in the library I'd rather not know. By the way, what the hell is your quill doing?
Sirius glanced up in alarm to see his quill jumping up and down into the ink well on the desk while glowing brightly. He looked at his page and saw a rather impressive picture of Professor Flitwick standing precariously on a pile of books. He snarled, muttering in annoyance. With that he grabbed his quill and shoved it in his book bag, just as Professor Flitwick called to the class,
"You may leave; I expect a 6 foot essay on the affects of wand cores on charms for next lesson."
Sirius grabbed his bag and turned to James and Peter, "See you later guys, Remus is dragging me to the library to see Madame Pince about our transfiguration project." He knew that neither would want to come with them, James because he was terribly scared that Madame Pince had a crush on him and wanted to tie him up in a backroom and use him as a sex-slave, and Peter just because he probably wanted to forget transfiguration existed.
"Okay, see you later." They said agreeably before walking off, still arguing over whether James was allowed to make up words and use them in hangman, James was protesting loudly that 'mobes' was a perfectly good expression for muddy robes when they turned out of sight.
Remus was one of the last to leave the classroom but Sirius wasn't exactly growling with impatience. But not wanting Remus to know this and think he was scared of their 'talk' when his friend finally arrived he asked "What took you so long?" in a rather terse voice,
"What are you complaining about? It's not like I was last out of the room, Lily was still in there talking to Flitwick." Remus replied calmly,
"Yes, but you're not Evans are you? And need I remind you that it was you who wanted to talk in the first place." Sirius' grin faded as he suddenly realised, again, what this talk would be probably be about, he decided to bite the bullet and ask Remus anyway, "So what do you want to talk about?"
"James' family." Remus said purposefully as they neared the prefect's bathroom,
"Oh." Sirius felt his heart sink slightly - this would definitely not be pretty, "I was kind of hoping that it would just be a discussion on the chances of James' animagus form actually being a dung beetle."
"I thought you said it would be an amoeba?" Remus said slightly warily – he didn't want Sirius to completely lose track of what they were meant to be talking about when they reached the bathroom,
"I don't think James the Amoeba has quite the same ring to it as James the Dung Beetle. What do you think?"
"I think you are very lucky that you have friends like Peter, James and I who stop people from noticing you need to be carted off to St. Mungo's Secure Mental Illness Ward."
Sirius just smirked, "I am eternally grateful, Remus." He said dutifully, he heard comments like that far too often.
After entering the Prefect's bathroom Sirius sat on the edge of the bath nervously while Remus lent against the towel rack. They closed the door between the portrait and the actual bathroom so that there was more privacy and then Remus looked at Sirius expectantly.
"This place is really great." Sirius said, faking an appreciative whistle, "No wonder perfect Prefects always say that the job has its perks!"
"You just won't drop the perfect thing will you?" Remus said in exasperation "Anyway stop trying to distract me, you've been in here hundreds of times before so don't pretend to get all awestruck on me." He continued, only slightly angrily. He had expected it after all.
"Fine. What did you want to know about James' family?" Remus raised his eyebrows.
"I want to know the truth Sirius. Not that Mr Potter is a great father and role model and that Mrs Potter is a wonderful cook. I don't want to hear that James' grandfather is well meaning, if slightly pushy and set in his ways. I want to know why James hates his Grandfather, looks down on his father and why he is uncomfortable around his mother." It was Sirius' turn to raise his eyebrows. How had Remus figured so much out without James ever saying anything? "I thought at the beginning of term that James couldn't have kept a secret for five years when I couldn't keep one from you guys for two, but obviously I was wrong."
Sirius looked at the floor uncertainly, "I can't tell you." He said at last.
"What?" Remus hissed,
"Don't make me Remus," Sirius begged, "If he hasn't told you…"
"He may not want me to know." Remus said nodding, "You know that's not true, Sirius. Don't kid yourself. He just don't want to appear weak, for some reason he thinks that if he told me and Peter…whatever it is…it would appear that he was asking for help, or seeking pity. But as I figured out he had a secret in the first place and think I know what it's about…"
Sirius looked at Remus dolefully,
"Just tell me, Sirius. I won't judge him."
"You wouldn't understand." Sirius said, un-expectantly angry.
"Oh and you can?" Remus said loudly, getting angry in turn. Then he saw the look in Sirius' eyes, "You can?" He said, beginning to understand. Sirius didn't say anything, "God, what do they do to him?" Remus' eyes were wide by this point and he was looking to Sirius for answers,
"Just for the record my parents have never laid a finger on me." Remus looked shocked but didn't say anything so Sirius continued. "Anyway he didn't tell me. I found out, when I was at his house over Christmas third year." He put his head in his hands, "It's his Grandfather, he...let's just say he doesn't share my parents' lack view that physical abuse would disgrace the family. It's more than that though…The great Granddaddy Potter tells James that he's worthless, that he's not good enough to be a Potter. He comments on his grades, he says that his friends are superficial and only with him for his name and money." He saw the protest in Remus' features and interrupted before he began, "No, James doesn't believe it. The time I found out though, he was, he was telling James that he wasn't a worthy Potter heir, he said that he wished," Sirius paused for a minute and his voice sounded a bit choked, "He wished I was the Potter heir, or that it was Severus Snape. Severus Snape! Snivellus better than James Potter." Sirius said in disgust. Remus seemed shocked too,
"So that's why -"
"He hates Snape so much? One of the reasons."
"But his Parents, don't they know?" Remus asked trying to understand,
"That's why James hates his Dad, well, doesn't respect his Dad at least. His Dad knows, his Dad lived it. James can't forgive him for letting him go through it too, after it happened to him. I think he sometimes wonders if his Dad thinks he deserves it, if he thinks that because he had to go through it he thinks James has to as well."
"Do you think James' dad thinks that?" Remus asked slowly, almost afraid of the answer
Sirius snorted, "No, it is killing him to have James go through it, he's just too weak to leave the shadow of his Dad. I think that's why he likes having me over so much, maybe he thinks that by saving me from my family he is making up for the fact that he can't save his son."
"And James' Mum?"
"She knows what's going on, and she tries to stop James from having to see his Grandfather or from staying too long alone with him. But she doesn't stop it completely because she's scared too. James' grandfather may be a great Auror and Politician but his whole family is scared of him."
There was a moment's pause.
"James' parents are really very nice though. They're just not capable of going against James' grandfather, and though he loves them I don't think James will forgive them for that."
There was another long silence and finally Remus said, "Merlin, and I'd always thought James had the perfect life."
"So had I. Before I found out."
"In my experience no good deed goes un-litigated."
Lily was not having an easy time, she had spent the better part of an hour trying to find Remus after leaving the Charms classroom, and though Peter had said that Sirius had told him they were headed for the library they most certainly had not been there when she had checked. Which was half an hour ago. And 5 minutes ago. Where the hell was he?
She wanted nothing more than to get rid of the stupid letter before she ended up having to admit to Artis and Parisa that she was desperate to read it and before Potter came looking for it and she was forced to say that she had it, and that indeed she had had it all day, had shared three classes with him and hadn't given it to him.
Where the hell was Remus?
Suddenly she saw two familiar boys in front of her, one blonde the other dark. They seemed to be thinking deeply about something because both were uncharacteristically silent and neither had heard the three times she had called their names.
"LUPIN! BLACK!" She shouted again, exasperated. Finally the two turned around and Lily hurried over to them. They seemed shocked to see her, and even more shocked when she suddenly pulled out a small, slightly crumpled envelope. "Sorry Remus, I found this at breakfast and was wondering if you'd return it to Potter."
Remus and Sirius looked at the envelope in Lily's small hand, saw the unmistakable 'Mr. J. Potter.' And looked at each other warily, "What if Lily had read the letter?"
"Thanks Lily." Remus said smiling, though Lily didn't fail to miss the worried glance he shot at Sirius or the slightly searching look he gave Lily, "don't worry I haven't read it." She laughed and Black and Lupin nearly visibly sighed in relief.
Lily was starting to seriously regret not having read that letter.
"So," She said, "What's so important about this letter that I can't read it?"
"Nothing, it's just a letter from James' Grandfather." The horrified expression on Sirius' face revealed he had not meant to say that. Lily decided to push for an advantage, her interest now piqued,
"And why did you tell Pettigrew that you were going to the library when you've obviously not been there?" Remus' and Sirius' mouths were dropping open in surprise. Lily tried to link the two facts she now had and decided to draw a conclusion and see if she was right, "So either you two were discussing the letter and didn't want Potter to know" The slight looks of relief made Lily realise she had guessed wrong and she took a deep breath "or you were discussing Potter's grandfather as a result of something the letter made you realise. Probably something you realised Remus, and Black already knew."
The fact that Sirius' eyes were almost popping out of his head and Remus' was looking seriously nervous left Lily feeling quite amused. They had just told her that her guesses were at least mildly right by their reactions, but she didn't think a letter from Potter's grandfather – or any discussion that could spring from it – would be that important, because, although Potter's grandfather was undoubtedly an excellent politician, he didn't really hold that much interest for her, maybe if he'd done something interesting like inventing the snitch though…but that was beside the point.
"Right well, thanks for giving us the letter, Lily." Remus said, "Are you going back to the common room?"
"No, I have to go to the library. See you later." She smiled cheerily and walked away slowly. But she still heard, Black's urgent, "Does she know?" and Remus' quick reply, "I don't think so, she was probably guessing." Before they were out of earshot.
Oh yes, Lily definitely wanted to know what was going on.