Fatal Incompatibility.

Summary: James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)

Disclaimer: If this was mine would I need one of these? Alright I'm disclaiming! All the characters you recognise belong to JKRowling; anything you don't recognise is mine. ALL MINE!

Chapter 5: "Hetay otionpay is eadyray"

"I can even work out your personality problems to 10 decimal places if it will help." - Douglas Adams.

Remus woke suddenly, covered in a cold sweat and breathing heavily. He shook his head and tried to remove the images plastered on the insides of his eyelids. Ever since Sirius had told him about James two days ago Remus kept waking in the middle of the night, shaking and with the images he had seen of James, normally so strong, being chased by some as yet unseen force. Vowing again never to close his eyes lest he had to relive that dream he suddenly heard a muffled grunt,

"Remus?" A sleepy voice came from over by Peter's bed. "What is it?"

"What's happening?" Sirius slurred sleepily. Remus jumped in horror, he did not want to have to explain to his friends why he was sleeping badly, Sirius had made it clear not to mention what they had talked about,

"Um, nothing, bad dream. Go back to sleep guys."

"If you say so," Peter said drowsily, Sirius merely snored loudly.

Remus picked up his duvet and trudged down to the common room with his book. He was surprised to see light flickering from the bottom of the stairs as he walked over to the chairs right in front of the fire; he saw it was still going pretty strongly. A house elf must have been in.

"Remus?" A surprised voice said.

"Lily?" He said in shock, "What are you doing awake?"

"I'm trying out this insomniac thing; I think there might be something in it." Remus raised his eyebrows at her, "Fine. I have some Ancient Runes homework I need doing for tomorrow. How about you?"

"Bad dream."

"Awe, were big bad monsters coming to fwighten widdle Remus?" Lily teased in a mock childish voice. Remus didn't find this funny but he tried to laugh it off, hoping that by turning his dream into something amusing it would stop further ones from happening. Much like when you imagined your worst fear as something ridiculous when banishing Boggarts. He said the first thing that came into his head,

"Actually Sirius almost kissed James."

"I never would have guessed they swung that way, but what was your nightmare about." Remus glared at her, secretly wondering if his nightmares had damaged his brain – where had that come from?

"They don't 'swing that way', that was my nightmare." He decided to continue with this not seeing a way out.

Remus scowled as Lily tried to stifle her giggles, "And to think I thought you were the most normal of the Marauder's. Dreaming about Potter kissing Black?"

"Almost kissing." He replied tersely, suddenly regretting getting out of bed at all

"Fine, almost kissing!" She rolled her eyes at him "So what happened in the rest of your dream?"

Remus thought, trying to think of something and as he yawned he settled for something near the truth, too tired to be original "I was trying to tell James that I knew" He paused slightly, "Something."

"Obviously that you knew he batted for the other side," Lily joked, although she privately noted the pause "Continue."

"And then he started to run away," Suddenly he realised that this was getting slightly too close to home and deciding to lighten it up, "he then shouted at Sirius that he didn't have to tell me just because he liked me." Remus' face took on a disgusted impression. WHAT THE HELL?

"Perhaps it was your subconscious interpreting hidden longings for a certain Mr. Black." Lily joked.

Remus looked traumatised, "Hidden longings?" He sputtered, "Do you want to hear the rest of the dream or not?" Lily nodded mutely, trying to stifle giggles. "Fine, stop trying to damage my mental well being." He took a deep breathe to collect himself, it appeared to have been damaged enough already, "Then Sirius said that he didn't like me more, but that he liked James. James said he liked Sirius and then," He winced knowing suddenly where this was going and not wanting to say it again. You would think that after five years of being a Marauder he could lie better, "They were almost, you know."

"Agh, well when one dreams about one's best friends discovering a burning passion for each other it obviously predicts a D in Divination."

"Don't get smart with me Lily - it's too late at night…or early in the morning. Whatever."

"Then what happened?"

"I woke up."

"Thank goodness, I'm surprised you can still talk after seeing that horrifying spectacle." Remus smiled at her and secretly agreed, leaning back against the pillows on the armchair he watched Lily scribbling some more on her Ancient Runes assignment. After a while the fire started to die down and Remus' eyes started to flicker closed, "Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"What were you trying to tell Potter?"

"In my dream?" He slurred sleepily, "Just that I knew something about his family." He yawned wildly, "Night Lily."

"Night."

Lily watched the sandy haired boy walk back up to his dorm with amusement before turning back to the parchment before her; she looked at the notes of what she had found out so far. She wondered for a moment why she was going through so much trouble to find out something she obviously wasn't meant to know, and something about Potter no less. However, being incurably curious she dismissed it as nosiness and pushed any guilt to the back of her mind. She sighed as she re-read what she'd written and decided that she definitely needed more information before figuring out what was going on. She'd ask Parisa tomorrow, her family was pure-blooded and relatively close to the Potters, maybe she'd know something?

Getting up from her comfortable position she stretched her arms above her head and gathered the papers from the low table. Smiling as she remembered what Remus had told her of his dream she headed back up to her dorm, yawning and blinking tiredly she fell into bed, hoping to catch several hours sleep before her early-rising dorm mates attacked her until she got out of bed in the morning.

"This is a free country madam, we have the right to share your privacy in a public place" - Peter Ustinov

The next morning Lily was typically groggy and unbelievably thankful that today was a Saturday and she could sleep in. Suddenly somebody bounced onto her bed and she shrieked as her covers were whipped off, Lily opened her eyes slightly to see the grinning forms of Parisa and Artis. "Sod off."

"Oh, that's not very nice Lils!" Parisa said pretending to be hurt, just as Artis said,

"It's your own fault you're tired, staying up late to do whatever work you were doing."

"I wasn't working!" She said grumpily, swinging herself upright and heading towards the bathroom.

"Then what were you doing?" Parisa said excitedly, that girl definitely was too happy for it to be so early in the morning, "And I am not too happy in the mornings, it's almost 11 o'clock."

"I didn't say anything" came the muffled retort from the bathroom,

"You were thinking it." Artis and Parisa laughed when they heard a disgruntled 'humph' from the bathroom before the shower turned on.

"So what were you doing?"

"Trying to figure something out."

"Oh, yes. Could you be any vaguer?" There was no reply and they listened to the sound of running water for a while in the bathroom before shrugging at each other and waiting for their friend to appear. About 15 minutes later they heard the sound of the shower stopping and watched Lily coming out of the bathroom, wringing her hair and re-wrapping the big white towel around her body.

"So what are we doing today?" She asked, slightly more awake. "And more importantly," She added as her stomach rumbled, "When are we going to eat?"

"We'll head down to the kitchens as soon as you're dressed Lils." Parisa said smiling, "Well, actually you and I will, Artis has a date!" Artis blushed red and scowled embarrassedly at Parisa

"Oh, yes? With who?" Lily asked with interest.

"Remus." She said quietly, her cheeks completely beet red. Lily suddenly remembered her encounter with Remus last night and his 'nightmare.' She tried to stifle her giggles,

"Congratulations, Artis. Didn't you like him for ages?"

"Yeah, well…" she muttered, "I'd best be going. Do I look ok?"

"Fabulous." Came the unanimous reply. The two remaining friends waited until she had left the room before bursting into hysterical laughter, "Did you see the look on her face?" Parisa giggled,

"Just wait until I tell you about the nightmare Remus had last night. Then you'll know what I'm laughing about!" Lily gasped.

"Tell meee…" Parisa whined,

"On the way to the kitchens, I'm starving!"

The two girls headed down to the portrait hole and were soon on the way to the kitchens, giggling madly, "And then" sniggered Lily, "I suggested that he was obviously hiding feelings for Black. You should have seen the traumatised look on his face! And when he told me that Black and Potter almost kissed…I said he'd obviously get a D in divination. Because I think if it turned out Black and Potter were both gay-"

"There would be a case of mass hysteria from most of the girls in the school?"

"I was actually going to say it seems quite improbable statistically that ½ of the Gryffindor 5th year males are that way inclined, but I guess yours works." Parisa shoved her and laughed,

"You're dreadful."

The girls stopped their banter as they stood in front of the portrait of a basketful of fruit. Parisa tickled the pear and soon the two were in the kitchens. Several house elves ran up to them, bowing low. "How can we help misses?"

"I'd like some chocolate brownies, and a cup of black Earl Grey tea." Lily said quickly, she looked at Parisa who still looked too awake in her opinion "A large mug of Earl Grey tea."

"I'd like some chocolate cookies and some tea as well please – but with milk and two sugars." Parisa said and scowled at Lily as she winced, "What, just because we don't all like to drink some extra-strength boiling drink…"

Lily laughed and she and Parisa sat at the long table which was an exact replica of the Gryffindor table above them. Biting into a chocolate brownie Lily sighed with contentment before looking over at Parisa, who was nursing her mug of tea. "Your family must have known Potter's and Black's families for ever." She said finally,

"What? Oh yeah, and Remus' too – well his Dad's side considering his mum's a muggle, now that was quite the scandal." Ordinarily Lily would have been quite interested in hearing the whole story, but she already had something to focus on and so couldn't really care less how much of a scandal Remus' parents' wedding had caused, "But then my family doesn't really get on with the Blacks. Something to do with a disintegration of an engagement or something about 20 generations ago." Lily didn't care about this either and so decided to try and edge more towards Potter's family to see if she could find anything out.

"But you and Potter must have known each other since you were born. Poor you." Parisa grimaced at her,

"He's actually not too bad a guy, Lily. But, whatever, we're not having this argument again. I think I first met him when we were 5, he pulled my pigtails. Lovely child." She took a sip of tea, reminiscing. "I see his family quite often; they're over at least twice in the holidays. Mr and Mrs Potter are very nice; Mrs Potter's a great cook. James' grandfather's a bit creepy, a bit old fashioned really."

"Into all this pureblood stuff like the Blacks?" Lily asked curiously,

"No, I don't think he minds muggleborns, but he does have high expectations of what it is to be a Potter I guess. Anyway, I don't know. I've only met him once or twice. James doesn't like him much."

"Poor Potter probably can't cope with someone making him work." Lily said spitefully.

"James does work Lily." Parisa said in a mildly disapproving voice.

"Sure. Just not on school things – he spends all his time preparing pranks and hexing innocent bystanders."

"He…oh, whatever Lily. Why are we talking about Potter now? We only have an hour until your Quidditch practise and I want to know all about this Ravenclaw you saw last week -"

"Friendship is the perfection of love, and superior to love; it is love purified, exalted, proved by experience and a consent of minds." - Samuel Richardson

That evening as James walked in, dripping wet from Quidditch practise, Sirius pounced on him. "Jamsiepoo!" He yelled, "Just the person I've been looking for!"

"Alright, Sirius." James said, pushing his friend off as half the common room started sniggering at 'Jamsiepoo.' "Why were you looking for me?" he asked, hastily steering Sirius up to the boy's dormitories as Evans was glaring at him furiously. May be he had let the practise go on too long.

"Hetay Otionpay is eadyray" Sirius muttered,

"What?" James asked, wondering if his friend had finally snapped and eaten the 150 sugar quills hiding under his bed.

"The potion is ready. Honestly James, can't even figure out a simple code."

"Maybe if the code was recognisable…what!"

"The. Potion. Is. Ready." Sirius said slowly, as if talking to a small child.

"Wow. Does Remus know? Does Peter? Sirius, we're going to find out what our animagus forms are!" Now in the boy's dorm James danced around the room happily. "I bet you're an earwig." He said to Sirius, who was less than amused.

"Well that's ok because you're going to be a dung beetle."

"Earwig."

"Dung beetle."

"Earwig."

"Dung beetle.

"Earwig."

"Candy floss."

"Ear…what?" James asked in confusion – seriously his best friend could be weird sometimes.

"Just ignore him Prongs, I checked – at least half of the sugar quills have gone." Remus said walking in and lying back on his bed. "What were you so excited about anyway?"

Sirius opened his mouth to repeat his "Hetay Otionpay is eadyray", certain that Remus at least would understand, but James interrupted,

"Don't even say it Sirius, no matter what you say it won't make sense." Sirius looked put out and pouted a little, James ignored him and turned excitedly to Remus, "The potion's ready!"

Remus looked stunned.

He studied the ceiling with his mouth hanging open, apparently deep in thought,

"Um…say something Remus." James said, looking worriedly at Remus.

"Gosh." Remus almost whispered

"Say something that means something Remus." Sirius clarified as James continued to look at Remus' slack face.

"Sorry. I just. I guess." He breathed out rather forcefully as Sirius and James shared glances, swinging his legs around he sat on the edge of his bed. "I just never really thought you'd do it, you know? That you'd do it for me. You're doing something illegal. Oh, God I'm making you do something illegal!" Remus stared at them wild eyed.

James snorted, "I'd hardly say that you're making us."

"I think you're subconsciously looking for a way out. You're too used to believing otherwise to accept that people want you to know they care for you, and would do anything for you." Sirius paused and the three shared a moment of silent understanding that occasionally crops up when its least expected. "Plus," Sirius added finally, lightening the mood, "I really want to see James as a dung beetle."

At that moment Peter walked in and Remus, smiling a larger smile than even when he had finally gotten Artis Humphreys to go out with him, whirled Peter around, laughing at the great day he'd had and shouting at the top of his lungs, so Sirius surreptitiously put a silencing charm on the door, "the potion's ready. It's ready. James is a dung beetle, Sirius is an earwig, and Peter's an elephant!"

The three boys pretended to be angry at Remus but they all grinned, although Peter looked a little scared as Remus continued to spin him around the room.

Finally Remus calmed down, he let go of Peter and beamed happily around the room, "I have the best friends."

"We know. We know." Sirius said, bowing to a non-existent audience. Peter cuffed him around the head. Sirius started to pretend to be hurt but James interrupted,

"So do you actually want to take the potion or not?"

"For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."

Four boys looked nervously around at each other as they sat around a slightly smoking cauldron.

"Are you sure it's done?" Murmured Sirius,

"Yeah." replied James as he checked the book for the 10th time.

"So, what do we do?" Peter asked, somehow the boys felt it was only right to talk in awe-filled whispers. This was, after all, the culmination of two years hard work in an endeavour which could just help their friend with one of the most painful things they thought anyone could ever experience. They knew that this potion showed a level of friendship which was permanent, one they could always rely on.

"We have to drink a whole cupful; it works in the same way as a Polyjuice Potion. So we don't need any spells or anything."

None of them mentioned what could happen if it went wrong. The potion was a very much more complicated version of a Polyjuice Potion, and its affects were far more permanent if it went wrong. The book Sirius had found in his library at home had pages and pages of images of half men half animals; men half turned inside out; a women who had a beak growing from her cheek and bloodied wings appearing from deep cuts in her back.

Carefully James poured three cupfuls of the juice, and Remus watched anxiously as his three best friends contemplated the foul looking liquid in front of them. He too was trying to ignore what the risk was, and he hoped dearly that nothing would happen, because he didn't think he could cope with the guilt that his friends' mutilation, or death, was his fault.

"Stop taking yourself on a guilt trip Remus. We'll be fine." James said soothingly, frowning at Remus from over his glasses.

As one, James, Sirius and Peter clapped their glasses together, careful not to spill any of the potion, and Peter shouted, "for Remus!"

Together they drank the stinking grey liquid and winced as the foul taste hit their taste buds.

One by one their glasses fell to the floor and smashed and Remus looked on in horror as his three friends in the entire world collapsed to the floor.

"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets." - Paul Tournier

James felt his head spinning and heard a muffled thump, like someone hitting the ground. Images span inside his head, a never-ending torrent of memories: his first day at Hogwarts, the day they finally realised that Remus was a werewolf, his Grandfather looming over him, his first Quidditch game, and more and more images, scenes from his life which were so important to who he was he barely remembered them. He felt like his skin was moving; the individual cells moving away from each other, rebelling about being so close. He bit his lip as his bones seemed to move, stretching and slotting into positions they had definitely never been in before, positions in which they felt as comfortable as he normally did; as if he always had had four legs, always had had a heavy head, always had felt an immense kind of nobility, a way of holding his head high no matter what. Not only surviving, but living – and making sure those around him did too.

"Not everyone can be heroes; some people have to be those sitting on the sidewalks clapping as they go by."

Peter too felt his head spin; he vaguely noticed two muffled thumps and a strange sense of coldness which seemed to be creeping through his left side. His vision had blurred and slowly he too was reliving the defining moments of his life, the moments which had made him who he was: his friendship with the Marauders, his father and mother, the day he discovered he was going to Hogwarts, his first job in a major prank, the memories swirled together – a giant collage of who Peter was, his strengths, his loves – for his parents, for his friends. There was of course the feeling that he was not good enough, that if he did not have his friends he would be less than nothing, and this brought bitterness – but this was who he was and Peter was not ashamed, because he knew deep down he'd do anything for any of them. Anything. With this last thought he felt his skin change, ripples of movement like across the surface of water. He cried out as his bones seemed to shrink slower than his skin, and sighed in relief as they resettled in a place which was definitely not normal but which he felt as if he'd been in forever, a place where he was who he was; and near the floor still trying to get over the shock of the giant wooden pole in front of him, Peter had never felt more happy.

"Know thyself"

Sirius did not hear any thumps as he fell to the floor. As his head hit the cold stone he had already become immersed in memory. Watching his older cousin Bellatrix punch a muggle child when he was 5, his first meeting with James, his sorting into Gryffindor, the weekly howlers. Everything jumbled together, until his mother became James, his house became Hogwarts, all the images merging yet remaining separate, individual. Sirius felt a sudden rush of love for those who had stopped him from becoming like his parents, like his entire family, consumed with hate for all kinds and for each other, only hidden by family pride. To those who had helped him become more, shown him that what you felt was wrong normally was, his loyalty would know no bounds. Feeling his skin crawl and his bones mould into new shapes Sirius felt a free abandon he couldn't achieve when he thought of his family. For the first time Sirius accepted who they were and who he was and he felt that, though in the morning their relationship would be the same as ever, in this moment Sirius felt more understanding of how they had made him who he was than he probably ever would again. The heady feeling made him want to…wag his tail in joy? Sirius felt at home, he was a carefree, fun-loving, loyal animal – he was him.