Chapter 3: Misspoken Words

When the door closed behind Ginny, Ron turned to Harry and asked, "What was that all about?"

"It's nothing," Harry replied with a distant look in his eyes. Shaking his head to clear the vision of Ginny, he said, "So, do you really think that new Seeker on the Cannons is going to help them win this year?"

They talked for a minute or so, and then Harry popped his head out the door. The hallway was empty. He went over to where he had hidden the box, and brought it into their room. He went straight over to his trunk and put the box at the very bottom.

The boys talked for a while longer, and then Ron finally said, "Well, mate, I'm knackered. I'll see you in the morning." With that he got up, put on his pajamas, and got back into bed. Within minutes, all Harry could hear was his heart pounding in his head, and Ron's calm, even breathing.

Harry got up, put on his pajamas, and got back into bed. He laid awake for a long time staring at the pictures on the back of his bed. His parents waving at him. Sirius was trying to look at both him and his parents at the same time. Harry felt a lurch in his stomach when his eyes rested on the picture of the Weasleys. He picked it up gingerly with one hand and ran his fingers slowly across it. He felt tears welling in his eyes at he replaced the picture carefully on the end of his bed. He rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

Unable to sleep, he quietly got out of bed, opened his trunk and dug out the old wooden box. With a last look over at Ron, he grabbed his wand, tucked the box under his arm and slipped out the door.

Harry made his way down to the kitchen and put the box on the table. He sat in the darkness for a while, then he got up and walked over to the cabinet above the sink and took down a glass. When he got back to the table, he carefully, almost reverently, opened the box and took out the bottle of gin.

He recalled the times he and Sirius had spent talking over this bottle. Harry had tried a small sip once, and thought it tasted like floor varnish. He never touched it again. Sirius said it helped numb the pain, and helped him forget. That was what Harry wanted more than anything right now. He wanted the pain to go away, and he dearly wanted to forget.

Harry pulled the cork out of the bottle, and poured some gin into his glass. He smelled it, swirled it for a moment, and then set it down. He sat for a while just staring blankly into the glass.

With a soft sigh, he stood up and went over to the stove. He grabbed a candle, but when he put it on the table, he realized he had no idea where any matches were. He put the candle back and found a small bowl. He put the bowl on the table and drew his wand.

After a small flick of his wrist, a soft blue flame danced in the bowl casting shadows through out the kitchen. Harry's features grew dark as he thought again about Sirius. He didn't have to die. Why was it that so many of the good people had to die? His parents, Neville Longbottom's parents, Sirius. He knew things would only get worse. What if something happened to Hermione? Or Ron? He shuddered visibly as he thought, Or Ginny? Nobody was safe anymore.

A soft tapping at the window broke Harry's thoughts. He looked up and saw an owl. He went over to the window and let it in. He recognized it as a Ministry owl. He chuckled dryly as he said, "Took them long enough." He took the parchment and tossed it on the table without even opening it. The owl took off through the open window, as the cookoo clock squawked midnight.

Great. It's my birthday, he thought. Why couldn't it just go away? Why couldn't all of this just go away?

Harry went and sat back down without bothering to shut the window. He picked up the glass of gin and smelled it again. It still smelled like Muggle paint. He had no idea how Sirius could stand the stuff. He could take the easy way out. He could drown himself in the liquor tonight. He could run and hide. Those he cared about would be safer that way. For a little while, at least. Eventually he would have to face the prophecy, but if he could put it off, then maybe his friends would be safe.

He heard someone clear their throat. He knew who it was without having to look up. He just sat there for a moment looking at the bottle. I'm not going to do the easy thing, he said to himself. I'm going to do the right thing. He looked up at her as she sat down.

"Hey," she said in a soft voice.

"Hi, Ginny," He replied. "What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep, so I came down here to get some water," she answered. Harry watched her in mild amusement as she looked from his face to the bottle, then stopping on the fire. She asked, "What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep either," He replied, as the weight of his fatigue slowly began to set in.

Ginny pointed at the bowl and asked, "Did Hermione teach you that?"

"Yeah," he said absently.

Her eyes brightened a bit as she said "You're going to get in trouble for that, you know,"

He pushed the rolled up parchment over to her. She unrolled it and let out a small giggle. Mockingly, she read, "Improper use of Magic Office. Dear Mister Harry Potter, At precisely seventeen minutes before midnight…" As her voice trailed off, Harry looked up and saw her looking at him.

He shrugged and said innocently, "I couldn't find any matches."

"What is that?" she asked, pointing at the bottle and full glass.

"Gin," He said.

"What?" she replied.

Harry looked over at her and saw a confused look on her face. "This is gin." he said with a smile, as the humour of the pun hit him. He stood up and got another glass out of the cabinet.

Harry walked back to the table and grabbed the bottle. He filled the glass and handed it to her. Still smiling, he said "Gin, meet gin."

"How much have you had to drink?" asked Ginny with an amused look on her face. Harry watched as she lowered her glass and looked up at him.

"None. This stuff tastes awful," he replied. "I don't know what Sirius ever saw in it. I found the bottle at Grimmauld Place," said Harry deliberately, not wanting to get Ron or the twins in trouble if Mr. or Mrs. Weasley found out. "It was his," said Harry. His eyes slowly focused back on the flames as he added quietly, "He never had the chance to finish it."

"Yeah, me either," said Ginny leaning over to look in his eyes.

Harry looked at her with a confused look on his face. What was that supposed to mean? he asked himself.

In answer to his question, Ginny said, "It's a long story," as she glanced upwards and around the dark room.

He shook his head slightly and forced a small chuckle. Putting his glass down on the table, he grabbed the bowl and walked into the living room. He glanced up at the cookoo clock. It's still my birthday, he thought. He didn't take up his regular spot on the couch, but rather sat down on the floor with his legs stretched out. He heard Ginny coming into the living room, and watched as she sat down, folded her legs and rested her elbows on her knees.

"It's after midnight," said Ginny, smiling at Harry. "Happy birthday."

"Oh, thanks." he said. "I forgot."

Harry felt the cuffs of his pajamas creeping slowly over his calves. He had not remembered his pajamas being this short when he put them on. He started pulling at them, trying to get them to fit the way they had an hour ago. Before he could think about it any more, Ginny asked with amusement in her eye, "What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing. These pants seem a bit shorter than when I put them on," he replied as he crossed his legs and scooted away from the couch that he had been leaning up against. Harry saw Ginny's eyes widen, as she remembered Fred and George, and he began to blush. That must have sounded bad, he thought. He quickly decided to change the subject.

"Did you know Neville's birthday was a few days ago?" he asked Ginny.

"Yeah. He and his grandmother were going to visit his parents," answered Ginny. Harry looked at her, wondering how she knew that. His confusion must have registered with her because she quickly added, "He owled me."

Harry stared into the blue flame. He felt his chest tighten as he thought about Neville's parents. They had fought Voldemort, and they had lost. He dropped his head to his chest, and his shoulders sagged at that thought. "Harry, what is it?" asked Ginny.

"Neville's parents. They fought Voldemort, and look at what happened to them," he said, not raising his head. He didn't think he could look at her right now. He was feeling scared.

"I'm so sorry, Harry. I shouldn't have said anything," said Ginny as he watched her lean forward slightly.

"No, it's all right. I was just thinking out loud," he said as he tried to look anywhere but at her.

"What else are you thinking about?" she asked.

His thoughts were so confused, but slowly they began to come into focus. "Neville could have been me," he said.

A look of confusion crossed Ginny's face. "What do you mean?" she asked with concern.

"My parents fought too. And they lost," said Harry as he gazed into Ginny's eyes.

"Harry, they fought to save you." she said softly. Harry could not look at her anymore. His eyes were filling with tears and he didn't want her to see him cry. He looked up, down, and all over the room. He could not look into her eyes right now or he would lose himself completely.

"Harry, look at me." said Ginny. Taking a deep breath, he tried to choke back the tears as he turned and looked at Ginny. "You lived."

While so many others died, he thought, as he looked deeply into her eyes. He felt a stab of pain in his heart at her words.

"So, in a way," she said, her voice cracking, "they won." She turned her head away as she spoke.

"Ginny, don't you see? Nobody wins against Voldemort. Not Neville's parents, not my parents, not Sirius." said Harry as feelings of hopelessness returned, heavier than ever. "I can't let anyone else get hurt because of me."

"Nobody has been hurt because of you, Harry,"she said calmly. Harry watched as she took a deep breath and reached out her hand and softly put it on top of his own.

Harry felt his entire body shudder inwardly at the touch. She felt so warm. So full of life. For that one instant, it felt to Harry as if nothing else in the world mattered. He wanted to feel her hand on his forever.

His thoughts quickly snapped back to what had to happen. It's either him or me he thought as he jerked his hand away. "You just don't understand."

"Then help me understand, Harry," pleaded Ginny, as she held out her open hand towards him.

Harry looked at Ginny. He was barely able to force the words out. "I can't. It's complicated. I don't understand it myself."

"Harry, I know what you're doing, and it may work on Ron and Hermione, but you know it won't work on me," said Ginny.

Harry felt his heart start to crack as he looked into her eyes. He saw a fire that burned him to his very core. "Oh yeah? What am I doing?" he snapped. He felt so torn inside. He saw how much she cared about him. He remembered Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. He remembered Ron. He remembered Hermione. His thoughts fell back to the woman sitting in front of him, then to Sirius. He didn't want anyone else to be hurt because of him.

"Falling into hero mode. Pushing everyone who loves you away," Ginny said.

"Ginny, I don't want to, but look at what's happened," Harry pleaded. Slowly, he continued, "Voldemort wants to kill me. He marked me, Ginny. Nobody is safe around me anymore."

"Nobody's safe anywhere. You said it yourself." Ginny pointed out.

"I know, Ginny," said Harry softly as he buried his face in his hands. He began to sob silently before whispering, "I know."

Harry felt Ginny's hands wrap around his and gently pull them away from his face. He did not look up. He could not look at her.
"Then don't, Harry," She said suddenly. Harry lifted his head slightly at her pleading words. He felt the tears start to fall down his face. He had tried so hard to be strong, but he couldn't do it anymore. He needed to see her. He needed to feel her hope. "Stop running away. We need you." At those words, he felt a weight lift from his chest. Harry looked up into Ginny's eyes. Their souls locked as she reached out a finger and gently brushed his tears aside. "I need you," she whispered.

"I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to leave Ron, Hermione or your family." said Harry. He lowered his head again. He could not bear the thought of being alone anymore. He did not know how to make her understand. He felt his hands start to tremble as he looked up. He was on the verge of completely breaking now, and as he fought back the tears again the corners of his mouth quivered. He stared deeply at Ginny. They sank into each other's eyes. "Or you," he whispered. As he said those words, he felt a brief glimmer of hope. The look in her eyes surrounded him. As he felt himself start to smile inside, the words he could not bring himself to say started forming in his mind. A wave of despair surged over him like he had never felt before. "I don't want to…" he started to say, but the words stuck in his throat. He was so scared. "I don't…" he started again, in a soft whisper this time. I don't want to die, were the words that formed in his mind.

"Come on, Harry. You're going to be fine. You'll make it through this," said Ginny nervously. He watched as she crawled behind him. He felt her hands grip his shoulders. A calm relaxing feeling suddenly overcame him. Out of the corner of his tear filled eye, he could see her leaning in towards him. He felt her breath on his neck as she said "You're the boy who lived. Remember?"

Slowly Harry turned his head to face Ginny. Their faces were only inches apart now. She didn't understand, he thought. The fright he felt was almost unbearable. He looked into her eyes and willed her to understand. After this was all over, one of them, either he or Voldemort would have to be dead. Harry watched as Ginny's weak smile faded. One of us will have to die, he said to himself. He said out loud in a calm cold voice, "So is Tom Riddle." As the words escaped his lips, he felt all of his barriers come crashing down. The look of fright and recognition he saw in Ginny's eyes shattered his heart into a million pieces.

Ginny felt Harry break under her touch. Her heart broke into a million pieces as she felt the release. Wave after painful wave of despair slammed into her. She tried to hold him, but he just pushed her away.

He felt his body go numb. The pain he felt at that moment was more than he could endure. His tears flowed freely now and burned his cheeks as they fell. He willed himself to look up at Ginny. Their eyes met. "Ginny..." he said. He wanted to say more, but he could not find the breath to do so. He tried to stand, but he fell painfully back to the floor. He felt his glasses leave his face as his head dropped. He sat back on his knees and drew his arm across his eyes to clear away the tears, but they kept coming. He couldn't stop. He felt his entire body sobbing. He fumbled around on hands and knees trying to find his glasses. He finally found them and managed to get them on his face. Somehow he got to his feet and staggered towards the stairs.

"Harry," Ginny called as she got to her feet. Her legs burned from the awkward way she had been sitting, and almost gave out when she stood up. Shaking her head slightly, she hurried after him.

When she reached the stairs, she heard the bathroom door close. Slowly, she made her way up to the top and stopped in front of the door. She raised her hand to knock, but withdrew it quickly when she heard Harry wretch. Loudly, painfully, over and over, she heard his stomach try to empty itself.

On the other side of the door, Harry was gripping his hair, and his eyes were swollen shut with tears as he convulsed "I!" he said in his head as he wretched. "Don't!" he shouted to himself as he wretched again. "Want!" he yelled inside even louder as his stomach continued to empty. "To die!" screamed his soul as everything went black.

Ginny felt herself wincing inside with each agonizing heave. She fell back against the wall, wrapping her arms tightly against her chest. Her eyes filled with tears. As they fell down her cheeks, her legs buckled. She began sliding, following her tears to the floor. "Oh, Harry…" she said hoarsely, in barely even a whisper.

Minutes later, Ginny heard soft footsteps approaching. She rubbed her eyes on her shirt, and ran her sleeve across her nose. With a loud sniff, she took a deep breath and sat up with her back against the wall, and her arms were wrapped around her legs. She was still weeping silently and tearlessly, though her body was not shaking as badly as it had been. She was scared to see Harry like that. He had been broken, and she had broken with him. She could not bring herself to go inside and see him because she was afraid of what she would see.

"Ginny?" came a soft whisper beside her.

She felt a hand rest on her shoulder. She blinked her eyes several times, and with each blink the tears stung a little less. She turned her head and saw Ron sitting next to her. Ginny did not speak as he gathered her into his arms. She put her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, still shaking slightly.

"Ginny, what's wrong? What happened?" he asked in a soothing voice.

"It was awful. He is so upset." she responded blankly trying not to cry again.

Just then, there was a soft groan followed by a loud crash in the bathroom. "What was that?" asked Ron as he stood to open the door.

"Ron, don't. It's Harry. He's in there," pleaded Ginny, knowing that Harry just wanted to be left alone for a while.

Ron ignored her and turned the door handle. The sight that greeted Ron as he stepped into the bathroom made his heart jump, then fall. Harry was on his knees in front of the toilet. One arm was wrapped around the bowl as he reached for the handle with the other. His black hair was matted with sweat. A broken vase lay next to him. He was moaning softly as he turned his head towards Ron. His eyes were nearly swollen shut.

"Get out, Ron," he said weakly.

Ron just stood there staring. He was afraid; he had never seen Harry like this before.

"Ron, just get out. I'll be fine," said Harry again, this time in a more composed voice.

"What's wrong?" came Mrs. Weasley's voice from out in the hall.

"It's Harry, Mum…" was all Ginny managed to say as Mrs. Weasley rushed past Ron, who was still standing in the doorway, and into the bathroom. She immediately went over to Harry and put a calming hand on his back.

"Harry dear. What's wrong?" she asked in a soothing voice.

Harry just sat there staring into the toilet. His shoulders were still jerking slightly as he continued to weep. He shook his head slowly from side to side

"Harry, everything is going to be all right." whispered Mrs. Weasley as she continued to rub his back. "Come on, let's get you to bed."

Mrs. Weasley gently put her hands under Harry's arms and helped him to his feet. Harry immediately wrapped his arms around himself as he began to move slowly towards the door.

"Ginny, what's happened?" asked Mr. Weasley as he came down the stairs an knelt beside Ginny.

Ginny's face broke into a small smile as she chuckled a bit. She was feeling overwhelmed by the commotion around her. She wanted nothing more than to go to her room, curl up under her covers and forget everything about this night. She had tears trickling down her face again as she looked up at her father and said "It's Harry, Dad. He's really scared."

As Mr. Weasley stood up, Ron backed out of the bathroom and stood next to him, leaving Harry and Mrs. Weasley alone. Mr. Weasley bent down and took Ginny's hands from around her legs and helped her to her feet. Once she was standing, he wrapped his arms around her and held her as she cried.

"Ginny, what happened?" asked Fred, yawning as he ran down the stairs into the already crowded hallway.

"What happened Ginny? What did you do?" asked George in a tired voice as he trailed behind Fred.

Ginny let go of her father, turned her back to the bathroom and faced everyone. She was irritated that they all seemed to think that she had all the answers, that this was some how her fault. She had no idea what had happened. All she knew was that Harry was hurting, and she wanted to make him feel better. She was unable to hide the agitation in her voice as she said through a sarcastic laugh, "Why are you all asking me? I didn't do anything. Harry just freaked out, okay?"

"Ginny!" said Mrs. Weasley in a stern voice.

Ginny turned around and her heart sank as she saw Harry standing right behind her. The look in his eyes showed the betrayal he felt at her words. Ginny's voice caught in her throat as she said "Harry, I'm so sorry."

She wanted to look away, but she couldn't. She could not think of anything to say to take away the hurt her words had obviously caused, so she looked into his eyes hoping he would see the apology she could not utter. Harry's eyes filled with tears and Ginny's bottom lip began to quiver as he looked away from her.

Mrs. Weasley wrapped her arm around his shoulder as he started to tremble slightly. "Shh. It's okay, Harry." she said as she started to lead him towards the stairs leading to his room.

"Why are you all standing here staring at him? Can't you all just let him be?" shouted Ginny. All eyes in the hall were on her except Harry's. He just kept staring at the floor. Ginny's hands flew to her face to cover the tears that began flowing again. Her head and shoulders heaved forward as she let out a melodramatic sob. With one last glance at Harry, she took off running down the hall to her room.

"Well, off to bed! The whole lot of you!" said Mrs. Weasley with a wave of her hand as she guided Harry to the stairs up to his room.

Ginny ran down the hall, threw open the door to her room, and slammed it as hard as she could. She threw herself face first onto her bed and screamed as loud as she could into her pillow. She began kicking and screaming in frustration. After a while, she stopped and sat up. She went over to her mirror and the sight that greeted her made her laugh. Her hair was a knotted mess, and her face was red and splotchy with tearstains all over it. She tried to run her fingers through her hair but gave up with a great heaving sigh.

"You really screwed that up, Weasley," she said out loud to her mirror.

Mrs. Weasley helped Harry up the stairs, talking softly to him the whole way. Ron followed a few steps behind. When they got to the boys' room, she took him over to his bed. Harry crawled under the covers, and Mrs. Weasley tucked them in around his neck, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "When you're ready to talk…" she began.

Harry interrupted her. "I'm fine. I'm just tired," he said.

"Of course you are, dear. Arthur and I are here for you, Harry." she said softly.

"I'm fine. Really." he said with a smile and a short chuckle as he saw Ron standing in the door rolling his eyes and smiling.

Mrs. Weasley smiled at back at him and said, "Good night Harry. Try and sleep well,okay?"

Harry nodded and yawned. Mrs. Weasley smiled again and left the room. Ron stepped aside as she left then went to his bed, sat down and stared at Harry. He just kept staring until finally Harry asked "What?"

"What?" said Ron loudly. "What?" he repeated.

"What?" said Harry through a laughing smile.

Ron broke into a smile and shook his head as he asked, "You really had me worried down there, mate. I've never seen you like that. What was going on with you and Ginny?"

"Nothing. We were talking about…" Harry paused briefly before continuing, "things."

"Things, huh?" said Ron skeptically.

"Yeah. Things. Look, I don't really want to talk about it anymore. I'm back to being normal Harry," he said, trying to convince himself as much as Ron.

"Now there's a scary thought. Normal Harry," quipped Ron with a smile.

Harry smiled back and snuggled deeper into his bed. He pulled the covers Mrs. Weasley had wrapped around his neck even tighter. With a loud yawn, he gave Ron one last look before closing his eyes.

Ron sat on the edge of his bed staring at Harry. After a bit, he hung his head and sniffed as he shook it from side to side. He put his hands on his bed, pushed himself up and walked over to the door and closed it before climbing into his own bed.

Ginny walked away from her mirror and sat down on the edge of her bed. She looked up at the ceiling and let herself fall backwards with open arms. She lay there staring for a while, thinking about the events of the night. She had never seen Harry like that before. She was scared for him. There was something inside him that terrified him. She knew it was much deeper than what had happened to Sirius, but she had no idea what it was. I can help him if he'd only let me, she thought.

Slowly, Ginny got up and went over to her window. She looked out across the field towards the village. The few lights that were on left a soft glow above the woods that surrounded it. She moved the latch, opened the window and stuck her head out. The night air was cooler than it had been, and she breathed deeply as she stared up at the stars. There were so many of them,she thought. They just hung there so peacefully. Harry was her friend, and she vowed to help him find the same peace.

Her thoughts drifted as she closed the window and walked over to her bed. She climbed in and had just pulled the covers over her head when there was a knock at her door.

"What?" she said in a singsong voice.

"Ginny?" replied Mr. Weasley.

"Yeah, Dad?" she replied.

The door opened and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley stepped through it.

"Are you all right, sweetie?" said Mrs. Weasley in a concerned voice.

"Yeah, Mum. I'm just tired and I want to go to sleep," she whined.

"I know you're worried about Harry, but he's going to be all right. We're all here for him," said Mr. Weasley reassuringly.

"Do you need anything?" asked Mrs. Weasley.

"Yeah. I need some sleep!" said Ginny with an agitated smile.

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley moved over to her bed and each kissed her on the cheek. "Good night, dear," said Mrs. Weasley.

Mr. Weasley let out a sigh and said, "Try and sleep well." He put his arm around Mrs. Weasley. "Come on, Molly." They left the room and closed the door behind them.

Just as Ginny was drifting off to sleep, she heard another soft knock at her door. "What?" she said in an exasperated voice as her eyes shot open.

Her door opened slowly. "Are you decent?" asked Harry as he poked his head around the door.

"No I'm tired!" said Ginny with a laugh. "I want to go to sleep!" she whined as she kicked under her covers.

Harry opened the door all the way, smiled at her and walked over to her bed. "I'll just make this quick." he said as he squatted down so his face was just inches from hers. "You were wrong, you know."

Ginny just stared at him. He came down here and woke me up just to tell me I was wrong about something she thought. "What?" she said as she squinted her eyes.

"Yeah. You said I wanted to be left alone," he said. Harry looked into Ginny's eyes and held her gaze for a moment before finishing. "I don't ever want to be alone again," he said softly. His eyes lingered on her for a moment as he memorized every freckle, every line, every curve of her face. He stood up and walked out the door without saying another word.

As her door closed behind Harry, she let out the breath she had been holding. In that moment, she had memorized every speck in his green eyes, the outline of his lips, the curve of his chin. She smiled to herself. He was going to be all right, she thought, as she felt a peaceful sleep come over her.

Harry walked deliberately back down the stairs and grabbed his wand from where he had left it on the kitchen table. He paused and looked around the dimly lit room. The bluebell flame in the living room was still lit and cast a cool blue glow over everything, and the lines on Harry's face sharpened as he set his jaw and made his way out the back door. He walked down the steps and continued walking into the night without looking back.

Harry walked quickly away from the house as many different thoughts flew through is head. How could he have lost control like that? How was he going to keep his friends safe when he couldn't even keep himself safe?

A distant howling noise snapped him out of his pensiveness and he said "Oh, shut up!" to whatever it was that had called out.

He stopped and stood with his hands on his hips and threw his head back. His chest was rising and falling with every breath as he turned and looked back at The Burrow. His mind was screaming at him to run. He had the power to keep them safe, to keep her safe, and all he had to do was run, but he knew he couldn't.