Chapter two: Reality bites
Ok so I hope you like it I am trying a new style and doing something new with the story making it more Ruthie's thought's. Review on the new style please.
Ruthie felt depression overcome her she felt herself sinking into a black hole nothing could help her. She had been drained emotionally, she was confused and couldn't think anymore. She wanted to surrender to her emotions and just tell everyone how she felt, how do I feel? She was unsure of her own feelings; she knew Paige was leaving her like Sean. What scared her most was therapy she felt as if she was going to say something she didn't want to the entire time so she said nothing. Her therapist had suggested she write some of her thoughts down since she didn't want to talk. So Ruthie had started a diary she thought back to when Lucy kept a diary how every one had made fun of her. Ruthie didn't seem to think it was so stupid anymore…
Dear diary,
Why am I so terrified why has God done this to me is even real? If he were wouldn't he save me from all of this? Save me from myself? What have I done to deserve such punishment? Or is he not there to even help me, has he never been there or has he just turned away from me? I thought you were supposed to forgive well how the hell am I supposed to forgive when one thing after another brings me down on me knees crying! I can't take it anymore; sometimes I wish I were dead. I wish that this horrible treacherous life would be over never to dishearten me again. Never to bring me down, but that isn't happening! Why did you take him from me? Did you give Sean to me just to take him away or do you actually have some mysterious reason cause I really doubt you do! I really doubt there even is a God! I doubt I'll ever see Sean again, cause if there is a heaven and hell since I'm living in hell on earth why would I go to heaven when I die. I have obviously done something so horrible to the o mighty God. If they're even is one…
Ruthie put her pen down sighing she reread over and over what she had just written, wishing she knew god was reading it with her. Ruthie had lost her faith in him, Ruthie's faith meant everything to her and now it was gone. She felt completely utterly lost, and helpless. She felt alone; with know one willing to help her, because she wouldn't let anyone.
Ruthie sat there silently waiting for Dr. grainer to say something anything, but the clock just ticked and ticked driving Ruthie insane.
"Aren't you going to say something?" She finally asked.
"I thought you didn't want to talk?" Dr. Grainer said.
"I don't" Ruthie shrugged.
"Well?" Dr. Grainer waited.
"Fine talk I can't take the silence" Ruthie sighed.
"Ok how is the diary going?" She asked.
"Fine" Ruthie said shortly.
"Really so your keeping it?" She nodded.
"Yeah" Ruthie shrugged. Dr. Grainer stared at her Ruthie felt strange and shifted in her seat.
"So what do you want to talk about? We could talk about Sean?" She asked. Ruthie just glared at her. "He was your boyfriend right?" Ruthie nodded.
"Yes" she said quietly.
"I bet it was hard losing someone you cared about" She said.
"Yeah, I loved…" Ruthie stopped drifting off, she could feel tears stinging her eyes.
"Yeah?" She said urging her.
"I loved Sean" Ruthie sighed. "Its not fair, Why did he have to go—" Ruthie stopped herself fighting back tears she didn't want to say something she might regret. Ruthie Felt her emotions crawl back in to the cocoon to keep from releasing them.
"Ruthie?" She said. Ruthie didn't respond. "So why was Sean so important to you?" Ruthie stared silently trying to find the perfect answer.
"Because we loved each other," She finally whispered.
"Your family loves you and they are still here for you—" She was cut off.
"It's not that! You don't get it!" Ruthie's voice began to rise. Dr. Grainer just looked at her silently Ruthie knew she had said more then she wanted to
"So explain to me why is Sean different why did you need Sean's love more then anyone else's?" She asked.
"That's not true I need Paige!" Ruthie's voice began to crack.
"Yes but before Sean died, whys was he so special to you?" She asked.
"Cause…" she sighed.
"Well times up but I will see you next time" She said. Ruthie got up as quickly as always.
"Yeah bye" She rushed out tears burning through her eyes trying to escape. She felt hopeless again another chance to tell someone gone, why was she so terrified. Ruthie closed her eyes as she leaned against the wall, images flashed in her mind of Sean of herself, of that night, of his death, of Paige, of Alex, and of her again but only she was dead. When she opened her eyes she felt a wave fear crash upon her. She knew she was drowning herself in her fears, her pain. She had no idea how to escape it though she felt entangled in a web like a fly in a spider web. Ruthie felt her past haunting her; she knew it would always do so. She wanted to know why though? Will I always be tortured by my past am I going to relive my past for the rest of my life? Did my future disappear that night? Am I gone? Did he take me when he took my virginity? Ruthie stared forward at nothing just trying to figure this all out she just stood there absorbing her surroundings and her pain.