See Chapter One for full disclaimer and author's notes.

Chapter Sixteen

"You WHAT?"

Teal'c stood, stoic as ever, his face an unreadable mask as O'Neill huffed out a furious breath. The General's reaction was not unexpected and Teal'c had prepared his argument carefully.

"Doctor Brightman has cleared Colonel Carter for light duty for the next three days and for full duty immediately following. I will personally see to her safety and if at any time it appears as though she is not prepared, I will drop her from my roster."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better about this?" Jack retorted sarcastically.

"No, it is not, O'Neill. However, I have reviewed this mission carefully and Colonel Carter's first hand knowledge of the temple and the layout inside will be invaluable on this mission. Our odds of succeeding will increase substantially with her on the team."

"Teal'c, do I need to remind you exactly what's she's been through the last week or so? I could've sworn you were right there, but it appears as though you've lost just enough of your mind to have forgotten all of that."

"I do not believe you are viewing this objectively, O'Neill…"

Jack interrupted him with a enraged wave of his hand, "To hell with objectivity, how about some good old fashioned common sense?"

Teal'c merely lifted an eyebrow and waited, allowing Jack's anger to dissapate some before continuing.

"You know as well as I that Colonel Carter will be ready for this mission. And we both know that we need her help. But I believe that her presence on the team will have a positive effect not only on the outcome but also on the Colonel herself."

"If she lives through it."

Teal'c consciously gentled his expression, relaxing his arms and shoulders. "O'Neill, as my brother and my friend, I pledge to you that on my honor and my life, she will return. She must be allowed to participate."

"Must be allowed? Exactly what does that mean?"

Teal'c hesitated, unsure how much of his conversation with Colonel Carter he should reveal. His desire to protect her privacy and her trust at war with the knowledge that O'Neill needed to know what was happening, both personally and professionally. But it wasn't for him to say how much of her motivations would be revealed; he could only hope to influence O'Neill enough to ask for himself.

"Colonel Carter must be allowed to finish what was started. She must be allowed some closure. I believe the best way for that to happen is to include her on this mission."

Jack pressed his mouth into a hard, thin line. "She put you up to this, didn't she? She wants to go on the mission and knew I'd turn her down."

"I am not at liberty to discuss Colonel Carter's motivations with you, O'Neill. That should come from her."

"In other words, yes, but you won't come out and say 'yes'."

"I believe you should ask her for yourself, O'Neill."

"Oh believe me, first chance I get. First chance." Jack exhaled forcefully, fighting the urge to storm down to Sam's lab and confront her on the spot. He knew she'd been cleared for light duty in her lab for the rest of the week and that she had a good deal to chatch up on, both with her duties at the SGC and Area 51.

Teal'c noted the tension in Jack's body. "Do not behave rashly, O'Neill. It may do more harm than good."

"Rashly? I'm behaving rashly? Oh for cryin' out loud!"

"I did not mean to imply that your feelings on this matter are without merit, however, you as a warrior must understand Colonel Carter's feelings on this."

Jack felt the bluster drain right out of him as he realized Teal'c was exactly right. He knew all too well what Sam was going through and accepting that fact was accepting that he and Sam had a good deal more in common on this particular issue than they had just a week ago. The thought both saddened and inspired him.

"Okay, okay. I read you, loud and clear. No 'rashness'. But she and I are going to have this out, T. One way or the other."

"Understood, O'Neill. Do I have your permission to place Colonel Carter on the duty roster?"

Jack squinted as though he were in pain, his face contorting into a grimace. "Yeah, damnit. But I'm still going to try and talk her out of it."

"I would expect no less, from either of you."

Teal'c turned and strode from the room, his hands still clasped calmly behind his back. Jack watched him go feeling more weary than he had since Sam had been carried, wounded and unconscious, through the 'gate.

There was no way in hell he was going to allow Sam to suffer in silence as he had after those long months spent in an Iraqi prison. The months and even years after he was repatriated had been spent functioning in a sort of limbo, no one really knowing or understanding what was going on in his head. And even if someone had known, it wasn't like he was going to invite anyone into his personal hell.

Even Sarah hadn't known the true depths to which he had sunk, suffering from endless nightmares and the occassional flashback that had left him sweating and nauseated, the ghostly smell of burning flesh in his nostrils, the taste of foul water on his lips. Swallowing the barrel of his service revolver had definitely seemed like a viable option for some time, long before Charlie's death had brought it all back home again.

He knew the signs were there, but he hadn't wanted to see them. Sam's unwillingness to talk about what had happened, the dreams that plagued her nightly; for a moment he honestly thought he was going to be ill. Was there more she'd been keeping from him? Possibly. Probably. Goddamnit all to hell and back again.

He could well imagine what was running through Sam's head, the incessant voices that whispered during those quiet times when your defenses were at their lowest. Whispered that if you just went back, made them pay, it would all be okay again. Things would be normal again. But that was all a crock of shit. Things would never, ever be the same again. And God help him, this wasn't the first time this had happened to her.

After the whole thing with Antarctica and Fifth he'd been waiting for her to break, expecting it. When it didn't happen, and in fact Sam seemed to thrive in her new rank and position, he had breathed a sigh of relief that perhaps they had actually managed to dodge a bullet. It looked like he was a bit premature in letting his guard down.

He had already arranged to meet Sam at her place for dinner that night. A little celebration of her return to work well ahead of the time table Doctor Brightman had told them to expect. If he was going to talk to her about this, now was the time. They didn't have the luxury of waiting until some fictional time when she would be 'ready'. He just hoped he didn't screw things up even more than they already were.

SG1-SG1-SG1-SG1-SG1

Dinner had been a rather quiet affair, and Sam found herself pleasantly full and dozing lightly on the couch, her head cradled in Jack's lap as he rythmically ran his hands through her hair, massaging her temples gently. When his voice broke the silence she was nearly asleep.

"So, how was the first day back?"

"Hmm?" Sam mumbled softly.

"Your day? Get your inbox cleared out yet?"

"Ah… yeah, actually. Wasn't too bad. I've still got some reports to write and some stuff to go over for the team at Area 51. Felt good to be back. How 'bout you?"

"Oh you know, same 'ol same 'ol. Reports, memos, requisitions. The exciting life of a General in the Air Force."

Sam smiled up at him. "Ah yes, the kind of stuff that really gets the old adrenaline pumping." Her smile faded as she took in the serious look in his eyes and the firm set to his mouth. She knew what was coming, had actually been surprised when he hadn't hit her with it the minute he'd walked in the door that evening.

"I had pretty interesting meeting today."

"Really?"

"Yep. Teal'c came to me with a request."

"That doesn't happen often."

"No, no it doesn't."

"So, are you going to grant it?"

"Not sure that decision is entirely up to me."

"It isn't?"

"There's a lot more to consider than just what I want. There's the rest of the team. Reynolds too, it's his plan. He should have some say in the make up of the team that goes with him through the 'gate."

Sam dropped her eyes, reaching out to entwine their fingers in a loose embrace. She'd been waiting most of the day to learn whether or not she would be included on the mission. Teal'c had been evasive when she'd asked him indicating that he had presented his case and that it was now up to others to decide.

"Your recommendation could swing things one way or the other on this."

Jack's voice was a bare whisper. "Yeah. I know."

Sam shifted slightly, turning to sit up so she could look him directly, still clinging to his hand.

"I know this hasn't been easy for you…"

Jack cut her off sharply. "Hasn't been easy? Christ, Sam… for someone with an IQ as high as yours, you say some pretty dumb things sometimes."

Sam dropped her eyes, shifting uncomfortably under his intense scrutiny. "I'm sorry…"

"You can stop that too."

"What?"

"Apologizing every five minutes. Every now and then a good fight might help, ya know?"

"Not really, no. It's not like I've had a lot of… positive experiences with this whole relationship thing. Half the time I'm scared I'm going to do or say something that will… that you'll decide you've had enough and take off."

Jack reached out, gently grasping Sam's chin, tilting her face up to meet his. "Sam, it's going to take a helluva lot more than a fight to get me to leave. Don't ever doubt that. But honest to God, I don't think I've been as scared as I was this past week in a long, long time. Puts me on edge."

"Hasn't been one of the better times in my life either."

"Yeah, I know," Jack responded quietly. "You ready to tell me about it?"

Sam hesitated. Her talk with Teal'c had helped, but the flashback she had experienced had rattled her more than she wanted to admit. But if there was anyone in the world who would understand what she was feeling, it was Jack. The question was, could she tell him about it? Before she could decide whether or not to speak, Jack broke in on her thoughts.

"You can keep it to yourself if you want. God knows I did that for a lot of years, for all the good it did me. But if you want this mission, I need to know what's going on with you before I'll make any recommendations one way or the other. That's the deal."

Sam turned away, her throat flooded with the tears she resolutely refused to allow to fall. Ashamed of them. Knew they made Jack uncomfortable.

Jack could see her clenched jaw, felt her hand tense under his. "Don't do this. You can't bottle it up. Believe me, I tried. It doesn't work. It eats you alive."

"Yeah…"

"You're still not sleeping."

Sam sighed. There was no way she was going to get out of this conversation this time. "Not very well, no."

Jack felt as though he had become the worlds biggest hypocrit, forcing Sam to talk to him like this, but what choice did he have?

"What else?"

Sam drew a shaky breath, keeping her face turned away from him, hanging onto what little control she had left she began to speak.

"Sometimes, it seems like it didn't even happen to me. Like it's something that happened to someone else and I'm just an observer. But then there are other times… times when I know it's real. Hits me in the weirdest places too. Like in the car driving home tonight, when all I have to distract me is the radio and the road. And it's not enough, so all I can think about is what happened."

"But that's not all, is it?" Jack knew he was right. Had seen it on her face when he'd walked in the door that evening. Before his talk with Teal'c he hadn't really looked at her too closely, afraid of what he would see. But now he had no choice, he had to look, had to see. Her haunted, shadowed eyes had been like looking in a mirror.

Sam's head dropped between her shoulders as the tears finally broke free and slid silently down her cheeks embarrasing and frustrating her. She didn't think she could speak without her voice breaking and so simply shook her head.

Jack nodded solemnly. "So what was it? A smell? A sound? Something you did that you've done a hundred times before but this time it triggered it?"

Sam's head came up sharply, her surprise written across her face, her voice a bare whisper. "Yeah."

The sight of her tears broke his heart. There was something about a strong woman in tears that could bring him to his knees. She'd allowed him to see them so very rarely, and every time it was like razors slicing through his gut. "Thought so."

"You did?"

"I figured it might happen. I was just hoping to God it wouldn't."

"You expected this?" Sam asked incredulously.

Jack nodded again. "Yeah. So you gonna tell me about it?"

Sam shook her head ruefully. "It wasn't anything, really. I still can't believe… we were just talking."

"We?"

"Teal'c came by yesterday for lunch. Everything was fine but… he didn't mean to… he just… he just asked me to sit down. I still don't really know what happened. One minute I was standing in the living room the next I was back in that damned interrogation room. Ba'al's Jaffa ordering me to sit in the chair. Asking me the usual, ya know? How many were with me. GDO codes. How we found them. I wouldn't give anything up. I think that pissed them off more than the fact that we found them in the first place."

"Jaffa."

"What?"

"He's a Jaffa. That might've been enough."

Sam paled at the thought and she opened her mouth instinctively to deny it, then closed it again, knowing Jack was most likely right. The last thing she could take was the idea that simply being around one of her closest and most trusted friends could trigger another flashback.

"I wish I could take all of this away for you."

"I know you do."

"So why the push to join the mission? What if that happens to you on the planet? Being there might trigger another one."

"I know it might and I'm just going to have to take that chance. I'm not sure how to explain it. Not sure I really know myself. I just know that if I'm ever going to get past this, I have to be there. I have to be a part of taking them down."

"You sure there isn't something else going on?"

"Like what?"

"It would be totally understandable if you wanted to get a little pay back."

"I think that's part of it, but not all. I wish I could tell you. I really do, I'm just not sure. But I do know that I have to do this, Jack. Please believe me."

Jack gave Sam a hard look, scrutinizing her closely. He could see the resolve in her eyes, but also the pain and uncertainty. If she felt this strongly that she was willing to put herself on the line for this mission, he wasn't sure he could turn her down. But God knew he wanted to, more than anything.

"Let me talk it over with Reynolds. In the end, it's his call."

Relief washed through her and Sam gripped Jack's hand tightly. "Thank you."

"Don't. No thanks, Sam. Just come home, okay? No heroics, no unnecessary risks."

"It's a risk every time we…"

"Oh please, spare me the bullshit, you know what I mean. Don't pretend you don't."

Sam nodded, running her hands across her cheeks in a vain attempt at drying them. Jack reached up, laying his hands gently on her wrists to still them, pulling them down into his lap.

"You don't need to hide them from me. Ever."

Sam's eyes widened, unsure what to say. In the end she opted to say nothing, instead turned to lean against his chest, her head reclining against his shoulder.

Jack slid his arms around her waist, pulling her tightly against him. Nothing in his life had ever felt as right as the way Sam fit into his arms and the mere thought that he could lose that feeling turned his guts into a quivering mass of anxiety. He knew he had to let her go, he had to allow her the chance to exorcise her demons. He just wished he could be there to watch her six himself. But this time he had to leave that duty to Teal'c, he could only pray that the Jaffa and the rest of the team would be enough.

TBC…