Dear Diary,
I have to move on, I've done every thing I need to just forget about this all, but how? How do I just forget about what happened to me how do I just forget about Sean? Everything was like a chain reaction; I just want to go back in time! Nothing I do helps nothing anyone does helps. Why did I even go through with the trial? I knew he'd never be convicted and now school has started and I have to face my classmates and him everyday. I'm known as the dead boy's girlfriend, the one who caused the shooting, and the one who was raped. I am all that, if you put it simply. I'm also more. How do I get rid of these labels how do I stop labeling myself?
Ruthie got up and went outside for a walk. She walked down the block, just looking at the ground thinking. How do I put myself back together again? She walked over to the church. Nobody was there; she sat up front in one of the pews. She ran her fingers along the wood.
"God, help me!" Ruthie said crying. "What do I do? How do I get myself back? Everyone says its possible, but I don't think I agree. I mean where do I even start to put myself back together? I went through with the trial so I could get over all of this." Ruthie stopped to think. She just sat there thinking the quiet sounds in the church humming around her. She felt safe, like God was watching her here. She felt like a little child again.
"I thought I might find you here, after checking the park bench, and the cemetery" Lucy teased. "What are you doing here?"
"Thinking…" Ruthie answered.
"It's a good place to think" Lucy said taking a seat next Ruthie.
"How do I put my life back together?" Ruthie asked staring at the ground.
"Well, step by step I guess. You have to get over one thing at a time, I suggest trying it in order." Lucy said. Ruthie looked at her puzzled. "What I mean is start from the beginning"
"So I start by getting over my Rape?" Ruthie asked.
"Yes, but that one maybe a little more complicated" Lucy said. "But I've seen you come along way since you first told me."
"I have" Ruthie said nodding.
"I suggest you talk to Dr. Grainer about that one, and think what you have to work on next." Lucy said.
"Sean died." Ruthie said.
"That's a big jump, and you've come to terms with Sean's being dead but I don't think you've forgiven yourself" Lucy said. Ruthie thought about how to do that.
"Thanks, I think I no what you mean" Ruthie said. "Can you drive me to the juvenile detention center Alex is in?" Lucy looked at her for a moment.
"Are you sure?" Lucy asked. Ruthie nodded.
"I'm positive" Ruthie said.
Ruthie walked down a long orange hallway, Lucy at her side. They were following a big guy in a police uniform. They rounded a corner and stopped, he opened a door and let them in. They entered a white room with lots of tables, in the middle Alex sat quietly at on of the tables in an orange jumpsuit. Ruthie walked up to the table and sat down.
"Hi." She said quietly. Alex looked at her he wasn't angry or hurt. He looked sad, and distant.
"Hi" He replied. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to apologize for making you feel like dirt, even though I hate you for what you did. I was still a bitch," She said looking down.
"I'm sorry," He said, he looked so confused. She wasn't sure if he meant it or not.
"I'm sure you heard about Ryan? Some friend isn't he?" She snapped back. She wanted to yell at him. "I still don't get you, you wanted me so badly you would've killed me? Are you mental or just stupid?"
"Why are you here?" he asked.
"Because it's not my fault Sean is dead!" She yelled.
"You want me to say that well sorry I won't I'm sorry he's dead… and I'm sorry for what Ryan did to you, but your still a bitch" He was going to get up but she stopped him.
"No, I wasn't I just didn't love you. You made me into a super bitch in your head because of how everyone else treated you. You just want to justify what you did. You're not sorry, you're pathetic and it wasn't my fault cause you pulled the trigger," Ruthie said, with that she got up and left.
"You only came here to justify your own regrets, but you'll never get over it. You know why cause it's your fault and you know it!" He yelled back at her as she left. "YOU KNOW IT!" She shook her head and tuned him out as she left. Ruthie felt herself let go. She finally forgave herself after seeing the monster as himself. She had to see Alex for who he really was not Psycho stalker she thought she created. Ruthie knew when he yelled back that he wasn't sorry, he was sorry she was there. She knew it wasn't her fault.