Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism

Chapter Title: Otch-cray of the Elf-yay!

Author: Crystyna

Disclaimer: Are you ready for this? I do not own: Legolas, Will, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Oropher (Legolas' grappa), Thranduil, or Jack Sparrow (CAPTAIN), or Merry or Pippin or anyone else who happens to stumble into my clutches…*evil laughter*

Author's Note: This ENTIRE STORY is dedicated to my fellow goddess, Laura aka Laurel aka Lorenzo aka etc etc (who is gonna co-write this w/ me I hope!)….And also because its so fun to write a story with all these hotties in one universe, right? (with the exception of Oropher and Thranduil, who could be very hot [I mean, look at Legolas] but are also very old. [but then, so is Legolas] the fact is that Oropher and Thranduil are grandfather and father and that would just be wrong *shudders*)

-I don't care if Oropher died in some war. I was flipping through books at B&N and found his name and therefore he is in this story. Teehee.

-There is basically no plot to this story, unless one is thought of along the way…

~*~

Now, what is the most typical way one can get zapped into Middle Earth? Oh, I know, I know….I was….reading the Lord of the Rings for the umpteenth time and then I closed my eyes and when I opened them, POW I was in ME. No really, I was! I mean, I am. I think….

And would you GUESS WHAT?! I was all alone in a big forest that was probably Mirkwood. And I was wearing my black tank top that was tight on my oh-so-thin-and- perfectly-shaped-body with my perfect raven hair falling gracefully down my back in an intricate braid that there is no way in hell I could have done myself but I guess I didn't because how the hell else would it have gotten there?

So I was sitting in the middle of a forest on….a log….yes. A log with the most beautiful mold on it anyone has ever seen in the history of the world. Uh huh…and I had a little bag with me and when I opened it GUESS WHAT I FOUND! C'mon, guess!

Okay. I found: two necklaces, both of them had silver chains crafted soooooo intricately crafted that I could just wet myself with joy. But of course I couldn't do that because I am *clears throat* perfect. Ah yes, perfect. So anyway, I was looking at the necklaces, and one had a black stone in it, and one had a white stone in it. I took the black one. Pretty…I dug through the bag again and NOW guess what I found?

A DRESS!!! Two dresses actually. One was dark gray, and the other was pale gray, and both were GORGEOUS!! And would you guess what?! BOTH OF THEM WERE PERFECTLY MY SIZE!!

Okay no, that's actually not how I found myself in Middle Earth. Nope. You see, that would have been great. Because then I could tell you that my fellow goddess, Laura, tumbled from the sky and we both put on the dresses and necklaces and danced around til all the hottie elves came and whisked us away and married us and we lived happily ever after. The end.

But no. The truth is that I had just taken a shower, attempted to curl my dark, straightish hair (and failed miserable), washed my face, brushed my teeth, and had nearly taken off my contacts when the computer called to me and I decided to write a little bit. After that I shut down the crap computer, and then the bed started saying things like "Come lay down, its late, you're tired, and that Spanish skit you have to memorize isn't worth shit, so come lay down and go to sleep next to the thousands of pictures of Orlando Bloom on your wall,"

So that's what I did. I opened the bed, and began to tumble down.

And then I never stopped tumbling.

And I fell through fire, and water until…oh wait, that was Gandalf.

Anyway, I tumbled and tumbled until I landed with a thunk on my head in the middle of nowhere. Really, there was a little sign that said "Nowhere". Actually there wasn't, but in my delirium, there was. You mustn't forget that I had just tumbled through fire and water and landed on a tall snowy mountain in the middle of the storm with a PMS-ing Balrog. Oh, wait…that was Gandalf again.

Damn trees. Damn roots. I landed on a root. A big, spiny root. And to make matters worse, I was in my blue plaid pj's and black tank top that was far too tight and low cut for someone who needed to do a few more sit ups before it would be legal to wear such a thing. And to make worse matters even worser, someone landed on top of me.

"Oof!" I heard.

"Geroff me," I said.

The person who oofed rolled off and I sat up to look face to face with him.

Her.

She had long blonde hair and blue green eyes and I swear I've seen a picture of her somewhere.

"Crystyna?!" she gasped. Ding dong, she said it two y's so of course it must be….

"Laura?!" I shrieked, willing to temporarily forgive the oofer who had oofed me. She squealed and I squealed and we hugged and got up and started to skip through the forest when we came upon.

(dundunDUN)

NONE OTHER THAN….

*drum roll*

Legolas!

Yup, and we ran up to him and said hi and then he said oh by the Valar you are the most beautiful girls I've ever seen and who cares if you're only fifteen and it would be illegal will you be my wives?

And we said, of course my lord, we'd love to.

And then we lived happily ever after, amen.

Of course, that's not really what happened. 'Cause Legolas had to be all super elf and spin around and let two arrows fly and me and Laura shrieked and tumbled once again to the ground as the arrows sped by.

"SWEET MOTHER OF SHIT!" Laura screamed.

"ON A STICK!" I added. Legolas blinked and walked over and then me and Laura sprang up and he said, "What are you two maidens doing, walking about the forests of Mirkwood all alone?" and I said, "We're not alone!" and Laura said, "I wanna be the arrow."

Yeah. So then Legolas said, "Forgive me, I am Legolas, son of Thranduil, Prince of Mirkwood," and me and Laura said, "We know,"

And he just stared at us, and we stared at him and then I said, "Well, how can you expect us not to know? We are princesses from….er….Americien, the Realm of the American, erm, elves."

"Slash humans," Laura said.

"Half-elven," I nudged her. She grinned, "And not only are we princesses, we are goddesses," and I nodded vigorously. Legolas raised an eyebrow.

"Goddesses of Orlyism," I said helpfully. Nope, the eyebrow remained raised.

"Are you quite sure you didn't bang your head?" he asked us. "HOW DARE YOU DOUBT OUR POWER!" Laura screeched. "BEHOLD!" I roared. I wasn't truly expecting anything to happen, but something did happen. Well, two something's happened. First, a girl flew through the air and was impaled on a branch. There was no blood, and when Laura and I looked up, we saw that it was Elizabeth Swann.

"I can't breathe," she said. "Oy, could you two get me down from here?" I looked at Laura, and she looked at me, and then we closed our eyes and Elizabeth was gone. Unfortunately, it wasn't an act of our strange separated at birth imaginations, because Legolas had knocked and arrow and shot if off at the tree, and when it hit solid air, he turned to us and said, "What was that?!"

And Laura said, "It was your mom,"

And I said "The eeeeeevvviiiiilllll goddess, who was fighting us for Americawood,"

"I thought you said you came from Americien," he said, utterly confused.

"That too," Laura said, and I was overcome with the need to curtsy. So I did, and when I opened my eyes, GUESS WHAT I SAW?

"Otch-cray of the elf-yay!" I shrieked and flipped back up and got my hair caught in the tree. "AIIII!" I screamed, while Laura laughed her ass off. Not funny, damn it.