Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism
Author: Crystyna
Disclaimer: Are you ready for this? I do not own: Legolas, Will, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Oropher (Legolas' grappa), Thranduil, or Jack Sparrow (CAPTAIN), or Merry or Pippin or anyone else who happens to stumble into my clutches…*evil laughter*
Author's Note: for the first time in the HISTORY of the world *drum roll* i shall respond to reviewers. dont you feel loved?!? now off you go to read and review how to snag a hottie and its sequel. because i am emotionally attached to that story and i love it and it loves me. and i love YOU!!!! *is full of le lurf*
TO MY REVIEWERS: Yes I know it's been a long time and you've all probably forgotten the little intro to this story where OH MY WORD 2 teens get sent to Middle Earth (who could have come up with such a unique plot for a story?!) but please jog your memories and remember this lovely little start of a hopefully co-written story. *glares pointedly at Laura) *Laura, as long as you update your other stories, I'll be happy!!!! Go update LOTHY!!! AND CS!!!!
Radioactive Bubblegum: I SHALL DO MORE! (do leggy-muffin more that is. wooot bring on the bondage!!!.....and you so did not need to know that, eh? *nervous laugh*)
Queen Of The Faeries1: hey you spell faeries the way i do. and i would so love to see that too....*kicks Elizabeth discreetly*
Fuji The Hobbit: coolio name for a hobbit. I don't think this is going to be the Quest of the Fellowship per say.....but i shall not reveal any further...
Lily the Bucklander: *joins psycho death-to-Elizabeth dance*
sugaricing: *pats sugar on the head* yes, honey, this is my only story with Laura in M/E with me. hey that rhymes (pronounced: RaaHYMES). *plays ring around the rosie, and then thinks about the bubonic plague and stops* UPDATE YOUR STORY!!!
ThePinkPanther: I LOVE YOUR NAME!!! I LOVE THE PINK PANTHER! I HAVE 2 PAIRS OF PANTS AND A SHIRT WITH THE PINKEST OF ALL PANTHERS ON THEM!!!!
Legolas stalker: LaurEL, what could i possibly say to you? except WHEN ARE YOU GONNA WRITE?!?!??!
WARNING: In this chapter I plan to abuse Franglish in a major way. For those of you who do not know, Franglish is a stupid American teenager allowing le to precede every other word in God's green dictionary. Yes, His dictionary is green.
Gandalf: How do you know this?
Me: *Freaky Sarumon voice* I have seen it.
i have a feeling i frucked up Gandy's line. Oh le well.
~*~
Okay so while I was stuck so pleasantly with my hair in a tree and my face rather awkwardly shoved in le crotch (as they say in le Franzz) of le elf...um, that was about it. Laura was laughing, Legolas was not moving (the kinky horny bastard) and I was screaming "OH MY GOD I'M STUCK MY HAIR EWW WAS THAT THE BRANCH THAT ELIZABIZNITCH WAS IMPALED ON?!?!?!" and then muttering quietly to myself "Ya know, this ain't so bad. This ain't so bad at all,"
Legolas, however, seemed to have a great deal more shame than my fellow goddess, and quickly stepped around to untangle my hair. My hair is great deal stronger in Middle Earth, it seems, and so it was able to support my considerable weight. And so when my hair was all good and untangled, falling like a shimmering shimmery thing of raven-ness down my slender swimmer's back (not that I swim I guess I am just blessed by le Valar)....
I fell quite unceremoniously to the ground, face down. And lay there twitching while Laura gained control of her vocal chords long enough to stop laughing. I felt strong archer's hands (who knew Laura had such sexy hands? NOT.) lifting me up and dusting me off.
"Oy, Monsieur Elf, I feel a bit of le dust here..." I said, pointing none-too-modestly to the upper torso area of my tank top. Laura glared daggers at me. Almost literally, I think, but thankfully we were not tripping TOO much and the daggers were the size of needles and got stuck in my tank top.
Legolas, if he had not been perturbed before, was certainly perturbed now, and turned around abruptly. I pulled the needles out of my tank top and flung them on the ground, glaring at Laura. "You could have injured the lovely sexy hands of Leggy-muffin, my ever faithful sex slave," I growled at her. Evidently, our goddessness protected our conversations from le shag of a lifetime who was walking ahead of us. Or maybe he just knew he was too sexy for his jerkin, damn it.
Who said teenage boys were the only naughty ones?
"You practically invited him to feel you up. That would so not be fair," she said. I smiled and we walked on, blessedly behind el elf-o que tiene los rock hard buttocks. "Mmm-mmm good," Laura said, imitating the Campbell's soup commercial. "You can say that again," I said, linking arms with her and enjoying the view of the lovely Mirkwood forest. Yeah, trees are fun.
"I don't want to say that again. But there is something I do want to say," Laura said. I didn't respond, seeing as how the totally fine legs of Prince Leggsie were just captivating me. Uh-oh I was tripping on fan-girl syndrome, in the worst possible way. Laura unlinked our arms and walked up to Legolas, who seemed to want to get away from us but didn't want to feel to guilty about it considering we are poor helpless maidens who must have hit our head on something. She tapped him on the shoulder and asked him something that I couldn't hear. Then he took off his cloak and wrapped it around her shoulders. My jaw fell so fast it dug itself all the way to the Middle Earth equivalent of China.
I took a deep breath and decided that the Heavens would split open because now it was war. There was no way my fellow goddess was going to out Mary Sue me!!!! She turned around and winked evilly. I glared and walked up next to her, "This means war," I grumbled. She grinned at me, snuggling into the cloak that probably smelled like him. I was so jealous. "Bring it on," she said cutely, standing up a little straight and walking with a so Mary Sue swagger in her hips. Oh yeah, well too can play at that, although I was probably likely to fell the entire forest with my Peruvian-style hips. TIMBER!!!!
So we walked and walked and Legolas didn't say anything but kept looking at me and Laura like he thought we had just fallen out of the sky, or something. We were probably going to be in so much trouble when we got to Thranduil, or Thrandude as Laura liked to call him, because you can't really fool an elf especially if you make up a whole new realm off the top of your head.
That is, assuming Legolas was taking us to Thrandude...I mean, one never knows.
"Erm, your Highness?" I said meekly, looking up at him through my lashes as we walked along and willing myself not to crash into a tree or something. I had walked around to the other side of him, so that he was in the middle and I did not have to be overcome with the urge to steal his cloak from Laura, who was happily humming "May It Be".
"Yes....I'm sorry, but I don't think I've asked for your names," he said politely, nodding at Laura and then turning back to me. I smiled, "My name is Crystyna, in my realm -"
"Our realm," Laura said, sticking her tongue out at me when the Prince wasn't looking. I smiled demurely, "Our realm," I concurred, "But I am also called Harma, short for Morharmaiel," Tee hee, pretty Mary Sue names!!! Laura sneered at me and mimed gagging.
"And this lovely blonde imp is my sister, Laura," I said, grinning wickedly at her. She pouted, but smiled when Legolas turned to look at her. "Also called Lothy, short for Lothuviel," she curtsied. Damn, why didn't I think to curtsy?!
"You have beautiful names," Legolas said.
One, two, three: cue faint.
But instead, we smiled and continued walking, while Legolas told us all about Mirkwood, and the giant spiders (Laura almost fainted for real then), and how the wood elves were rather fond of wine (which we both knew from The Hobbit) and the grand festivals that were held every night.
What else is done at night? Laura and I both wondered at the same time. In the same head. Like that freaky chick, Galadriel. We both nearly flipped, but Legolas kept on chattering. I shot a weird look at my "sister". Enough was enough. First we fell out of the sky, then Elizabiznitch, our mortal enemy (who was really a character in a movie, but then again we are walking alongside an Elf from Middle Earth so "Hey, it could happen," seriously came into effect here) was impaled on a branch and then dissipated; then Laura sent needles at me and finally we're sharing brain waves. Like, in the literal freaky deaky Lothlorien way?
One thing was for sure, at least. Middle Earth was doing some strange things to us fan girls.
~*~
A/N: I hope ya'll liked it!!! Review!!! Suggestions! And no this is not a Mary-Sue, at least it wont end up that way (*is slightly upset*). But God knows I cant control what happens if our lady heroes (it's just odd saying heroines) like the Greenwood wine a bit too much!
*C*r*Y*s*T*y*N*A*