Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism
Author: Crystyna
Disclaimer: Are you ready for this? I do not own: Legolas, Will, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Oropher (Legolas' grappa), Thranduil, or Jack Sparrow (CAPTAIN), or Merry or Pippin or anyone else who happens to stumble into my clutches…*evil laughter*
TO THE LOVELY AND TALENTED REVIEWERS:
Indil Elondili: Lily is a very cool name. In The Missing, with Cate Blanchette, the girl who got kidnapped by Indians was named Lily. Fun facts to know and tell.
Lily the Bucklander: Yet another Lily. Hmm...Yes. Lego's papi. You can judge for yourself if he's a loser or not. x]
Radioactive Bubblegum: Lolz, damn girl, a little excited aren't we? Yes, Twins are always very good. Twins and Legolas and elveses...mm-mm good.
Lothy: Yes, damn you, blondie! I wanna do the cutesie blonde thing! Its not fair!!!!
Alassea2: The site didn't, but thanks anyway. Yesh, slash is a bit scary. I remember once my friend came to my house and we were looking for LOTR fics and we saw a Legolas/Aragorn one and we got scared and cried....well, we didn't cry. We screamed. And then she said "My poor Ary!" and then I said, "My poor Leggy!" and then we signed off very fast and were traumatized.
Sugaricing: E squared. Don't ask. I'm so insane, it can't even be documented. *gives new keyboard, complete with its own umbrella* Be careful where you drool, dear.
Lómelindëwen Ainadae: Good lord, what a name! Thanks for the overview, I agree Chapter 3 was very boring...
SayDee27: Sure you can 'borrow' the cloak idea....can I read your story w/ your friend? Are you posting it?
~*~
Stairs are tricky things, even with a completely gorgeous and graceful Elf Princeling at your arm, escorting you down. But I guess I was so overwhelmed with all the elves - and a good few of them were males, meaning a good few of them were drool worthy - and the fact that Legolas' father, the king, was at the center of the hall, waiting for us to meet him or something; that I didn't quite see the little bit of imaginative carpet that was folded up, and I tripped.
And Elladan, who meant well, I'm sure, and was just trying to be polite in not holding my arm too tightly, couldn't help me as I tumbled the last five stairs. I landed on my rear with my legs stretched out in front of me. Laura, or Lothuviel as I am now inclined to call her, was laughing none too quietly from the stairs above. God help me if I'll let her get away with that.
I willed her to trip too. Which she did.
Unfortunately, she had a strong grasp on her escort than I had, and poor Elrohir went tumbling right down with her. Which ended up kind of okay, because she landed in his lap. SO not fair.
"It wasn't my fault this time!" she whined, although admittedly not as upset as she might have been, seeing as how Elrohir was there to break her fall.
"Interesting," Thranduil said, walking up to me. I looked up, not really liking the position I was in. With Legolas its one thing, with his father is quite another. Laura waggled her eyebrows at me suggestively, and I rolled my eyes. I blew my hair away from my face.
"What is so interesting, my lord?" I said quietly, watching the shell-shocked silence of his loyal subjects. Legolas was watching me with interest. I sat back and fought the urge to preen. Laura was still on top of Elrohir, watching Legolas sourly, and now Elrohir was trying to get up but she was making no move to assist him.
"Usually the maidens who find their way into Mirkwood are more graceful than you and your...sister, is she?" he drawled, looking over at Laura appreciatively. She squeaked and hopped off of Elrohir. Thranduil laughed and walked away as if he was bored with me. The rest of his subjects laughed too, and heartily, as if they were waiting for their cue. Kings suck. "Prick," I muttered under my breath, wondering, not for the last time, who the hell these other maidens were.
Elladan chuckled and pulled me to my feet, and took the liberty of dusting off my dress. Once again, I'm sure he did this with only the most gentlemanly intentions in mind, but I grabbed his hands away after a moment, looking up through my lashes and grinning at him. He looked away quickly, "Forgive me, Lady Morharmaiel," he said. I kept grinning and placed my hand in the crook of his arm, letting him lead me to wherever we were going.
Hopefully to a nice bedroom.
Where we were going, it seemed, was a rather nice room. Oh, hell, it was amazing. Very well furnished and not a torch in sight. I could breathe easier...well, no, I really couldn't, the dress was rather tight. It seemed that we would be eating dinner elsewhere, though, because we kept walking. Elrohir and Laura waited for us to join them, and Legolas made his way over. Well, gee, I feel special, I have a whole entourage.
We have an entourage, Oh Lady of Grace, Laura snapped, shoving me to the side. I glared at her. If you hadn't made me fall down the stairs - which hurt, I'll have you know - then I wouldn't have made you trip! I told her.
I told you that it wasn't my fault! It was you're own klutz-
"Suuuure," I said out loud, earning yet another few odd looks from the elves. They look really hot when they have odd looks on their face, though, so its okay. Laura laughed. Grr...
Anyway, we got to a nifty little picnic area and sat down to eat. Evidently, Laura and I were the guests of honor because we sat by the King himself. She sat on his right, and he seemed to like her a lot more than me, because he kept leaning towards her to chat. I sighed, but was okay with it, because Legolas was next to me, and Elladan next to him. Elrohir sat next to Laura. Well, Thranduil can just piss off, because I'm gonna talk to his son.
I kept getting distracted, though, because Laura would giggle and bat her eyelashes at the King...he was like, fifty! Okay, so he was probably closer to fifty thousand, but still! Ugh! Father fetish, much?
"So then, when the giant spiders came to invade the palace, I had to fend him off with my bare hands until help could come!" the King said loudly. I coughed into my wine and put it down hastily, stuffing some bread into my mouth when the Michael Jackson of Middle Earth turned to glare at me.
"What, can't a girl cough?" I mumbled, swallowing.
"Gee, your Highness, that was awfully brave of you. Weren't you terribly afraid?" Laura asked, leaning over. Hello, Middle Earth to Lothuviel, what the hell is wrong with you? I asked her. She grinned and me, and leaned over further. Oh my Eru, she's trying to seduce him! I turned around and tried very hard to strike up a conversation with Legolas.
"Of course I wasn't afraid, dear, I had to protect my son...Legolas, my boy, did I never tell you that if I hadn't protected you, that spider would have gotten to you and -"
"Yes, father, you've told me this a thousand times," Legolas said tiredly, casting a glance at me. I coughed again and shoved a forkful of venison or whatever it is this Mirkwoodiens eat into my mouth, looking innocently at the King who would most likely have me beheaded.
This is injustice to brunettes, I thought angrily. Laura smiled, not taking her eyes off the king, and answered So go get some peroxide.
Sometimes she made me very angry.
"My father isn't as heroic as he says he is," Legolas explained to me quietly, leaning over to whisper in my ear. Cue shiver. I felt like I'd floated into a Mary-Sue...sigh....Oh good lord, what am I talking about? That would be awful!
And yet, there is all the pelvis action that Mary-Sues tend to get...
"I've heard, and you must excuse me, Prince Legolas, that your father wont do a thing if it doesn't have to do with jewels or gems of some sort," I whispered back, casting my gaze down. Legolas chuckled, but when I looked up he looked less than thrilled. "Yes, that is usually the case, I'm sorry to say. And you don't have to call me Prince, Lady Morharmaiel," he said, smiling in earnest this time. Flutter flutter went the butterflies.
"Well then you shouldn't call me lady," I answered smartly, taking a gulp of wine. Turned out not being such a good idea, because I was sure to get very buzzed. I looked at Laura's glass to see that she had already finished hers. Oh, wonderful.
"Lady Lothuviel, would you care for a dance?" the King asked suddenly, and I noticed those weird elvish songs were being sung. They went something like this:
*O! What are you doing,
And where are you going?
Your ponies need shoeing!
The river is flowing!
O! tra-la-la-lally
here down in the valley!
I started laughing as I heard the lyrics, and looked at Laura, expecting her to be laughing too. She looked scared. The King was waiting on her expectantly. I grinned. "Lothuviel, the King asked you for this dance. Surely you do not mean to keep him waiting," I said. She glared at me and nodded reluctantly, standing up and being led to the 'dance floor' which consisted of underbrush that wasn't so brushy as the rest of the forest.
"Funny, I don't see a river or a valley anywhere," I said. Legolas and the Twins laughed. "It is a song from Rivendell, we sang it when -"
"Oh, I know all about Thorin's company, and Mr. Baggins," I said, smiling. They looked surprised. Yay for Mr. Tolkien!
O! What are you seeking,
And where are you making?
The faggots are reeking,
The bannocks are baking!
O! tril-lil-lil-lolly
the valley is jolly,
ha! ha!
I was quite terrified when Legolas and the Twins started to sing, as if it was the pop music of Middle Earth. Iluvatar save us all if it was...Legolas held out his hand to me and dragged me over to the dance floor. Laura looked so very unhappy dancing with the King.
Serves you right, Lothy, I said smugly and I was twirled around to the beat of the music that was so obviously written by Sir Eyebrows himself. No other could come up with such insightful lyrics, you see. So we spun around dancing and the elves were all joining in singing the wonderful songs that elves liked to sing...
Make it stop, make it stop OH MY GOD GET YOUR HAND OFF MY ASS!!! Laura screamed. I spun around to see her, and sure enough Thranduil was being a very naughty King.
He grinned at me. "It's good to be king," he said suggestively. I ran over to Laura, weaving through all the jolly couples, and tugged on her arm.
"Come here I have an idea. If we're to get out of this Queer Eye Middle Earth dance party anytime soon, we're gonna have to shock 'em into silence."
"Do we have to?" Laura whined, grinning. She knew full well that it would be a blast. "We should sing a song," she said. She touched my throat and put a finger to her lips. We were now sonofied, or whatever it was in Harry Potter so that dude could be really loud without a microphone.
Wait! I thought to her. She stopped. I grinned and snapped my fingers. We were now sluttified, in short skirts and corsets and huge boots. Time to scare the bejesus out of the elves.
"HEY MIRKWOOD!" I yelled, walking out onto the dance floor. Laura zapped up the intro to our number. The elves stopped and stared. I grinned and found Legolas and the Twins in the crowd. I winked at Laura.
"This one's for the Elven Princes down there," we said together.
"Ready, here we go!" Laura crowed, flipping off Thranduil.
"We're gonna perform a little song tonight, by that well known group called the Divinyls," We got cricket chirping from the audience. "Don't all applaud at once. .It's dedicated to the best lookin' elves in this forest, and just to ya'll know, you could really do with some better music," I said.
"Anyway," Laura snapped. "Let's get started!"
I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feelin' down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind meChorus:
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no
We sang, we danced, we were very provocative and extraordinarily drunk. Legolas and the Twins, who had been grinned, looked shocked. I danced up to Legolas, Laura grabbed both of the Twins by the front of their tunics. They looked very, very frightened.
Switch! I thought to Laura. She did so, gladly, as we continued singing our theme song.
You're the one who makes me come running
You're the sun who makes me shine
When you're around I'm always laughing
I want to make you mine
I close my eyes
And see you before me
Think I would die
If you were to ignore me
A fool could see
Just how much I adore you
I get down on my knees
I'd do anything for you
I watched, fascinated, as the tips of the ears of our honeys turned redder and redder. The other elves were divided among their reactions...some were laughing (most of the males), some were angry (Thranduil and a few tight ass males, and all the females).
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you, I touch myself!
We froze as the song ended. Completely silent. Not even the wind blew, we shocked it into silence. Then, we ran.
~*~
A/N: While I write this story, I learn the very depths of my insanity. It's amazing!