Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism

Author: Crystyna

Disclaimer: Are you ready for this? I do not own: Legolas, Will, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Oropher (Legolas' grappa), Thranduil, or Jack Sparrow (CAPTAIN), or Merry or Pippin or anyone else who happens to stumble into my clutches…evil laughter

Author's Note: I'm back after…well, I don't know how long. But I went camping this weekend, and since there was pretty much nothing to do except eat I decided to write the newest chapter…hope you like it! If it sucks, it's because there were about half a million mosquitoes trying to kill me. Ciao.

"'Not everyday that such beautiful maidens grace Mirkwood'," Laure grumbled under her breath as we stood behind screens to change into suitable riding clothes. "What the hell is he playing at?" she continued, emerging from behind the screen in a forest green tunic. I walked out and surveyed myself in the mirror next to her. I was wearing a tunic of deep Legolas-eye blue. Our tunics matched our rings - emerald and sapphire, respectively.

"Well, we are quite good looking now." I said, tying a belt around my waist, amazed at how tight I had to pull it. Being dropped onto one's head in a forest in a different dimension had its compensations.

"I can't believe we've been made into Mary-Sues!" Laurel wailed, tying her hair up angrily into what she was attempting to make a messy ponytail. No such luck, not a hair was out of place. I raised an eyebrow and bared my teeth in the mirror, admiring my pearly whites. Frankly, I didn't know what she was complaining so much about.

"It is a bit unnatural." I conceded, straightening imaginary wrinkles on the front of my tunic and picking up a cloak. It wasn't very cool out, but just in case I decided to bring a cloak with me. Laura looked at me as if I had betrayed her into the hands of horny Orcs.

"Crystyna! I used to write Mary Sues, before I became aware of how pathetically degrading they were to both myself as an authoress and myself as the character I wrote!" she groaned, as if I was clearly mentally unstable. I paled, remembering my own ill-fated stories of Morharmaiel, the half-elven warrior-sorceress-healer-princess-pageant queen of Middle Earth. Surely I was not the same sickeningly perfect Morharmaiel Anoran Merkalote Amrunelen of Lothlorien, cousin to Arwen Evenstar and foster daughter of Galadriel!

Although, if I remember correctly, she did marry Legolas, and have many kids.

"Oh no!" I said, my hand over my mouth. Laura smacked my hand down, looking indignant. "Don't do that!" she scolded. "You look even more of a Mary-Sue!" she continued. I nodded. "Sorry, Lady Lothuviel Whiteflower." I mumbled sarcastically, and she just glared at me.

"Laura…remember how we used to say that some Mary-Sues are okay? Some well-written Mary-Sues?" I asked, as she paced around the room. She looked up. "Yeah." she grunted, evidently trying to go to the other extreme and be a Mary-Sue cavewoman. I rolled my eyes. "Well, maybe we've fallen into a well-written Mary-Sue." I suggested, fixing my necklace that I'd found in my bag so it shone outside of my tunic.

Laura sat on the bed and scratched her chin thoughtfully. "D'you think we could have that kind of luck?" she asked. I turned around. "Probably not…but maybe!" I said brightly. Laura frowned. "We'll have to see…if any of the elves fall madly in love with us and propose marriage in the next thirty-six hours, then we're not in a well-written Mary-Sue fic. And…if we get some kind of stalker elf, we're not in a well-written Mary-Sue…and, if our boobs get any bigger, we're definitely not in a well-written Mary-Sue." she said decidedly. I nodded. "Okay."

"What if we start acting like Mary-Sues, and aren't able to help ourselves?" she asked suddenly, horrified. I started walking to the door. "Well, we'll just have to exercise some self -"

The door opened and before me stood Legolas, looking excellent in the tunic that he was wearing, the green one with the light blue one underneath, and those leggings that show off those incredibly sexy-hot legs…

"Control." I finished, swallowing hard. Legolas took my hand and gently placed a kiss to my palm. I stood there with my mouth open. After a few days I came to my senses and licked my dry lips, looking down and blushing. Legolas chuckled - a sound that is an entire sexy entity in itself - and pulled me down the hall. Looking over my shoulder I saw Elladan and Elrohir having some kind of staring contest to see who was be Laura's escort. Evidently, Elladan won, as he bowed and murmured "Lady Lothuviel," and offered Laura his arm. Elrohir followed them dejectedly.

At the stables, Laura and I were given our choices of a mount. Laura chose a chestnut stallion with a star marking between his eyes. His name, she was told, was Bregol, and he was a steed from Rohan, sent to Legolas by the Lady Eowyn. Laura looked rather sour about this, as did I, but Legolas assured us that Aragorn had been given a horse as well.

"Yes, well, the honorable and chaste Lady Eowyn was in love with him, wasn't she?" I groused. Mary-freaking-Sue! Laura accused me so loudly telepathically that my head rang. "Who'd want a horse for a gift anyway?" she sneered aloud. "I mean, sure, they're great fun. But they shi-"

I sneezed, cutting off her tirade about horses and they're excretion habits. Legolas laughed quietly and kissed the back of my hand, his eyes never leaving mine. My heart rebelled against me and did several back flips. "Each member of the Fellowship received a gift from Rohan, my lady." he said, and I almost didn't hear him, because his thumb was tracing patterns on the inside of my wrist.

Please, Mommy, can't I just give in? I thought to Laura, but she shook her head vigorously with wide eyes. I noticed that Elladan had tugged her closer to him and with his arm about her waist they led Bregol out of the stable, Elrohir once again following forlornly.

"Choose a mount, lady." Legolas whispered in my ear. I shivered. "You." I said decidedly, turning to look at the elf. He raised his eyebrows, amused. I felt my face get hot. "I - I mean, you, my lord, should choose for me." I said hastily, coughing. Laura could sense my embarrassment, even from outside.

Did you just ask if you could ride him, Tuna? she taunted. I snickered, and Legolas turned around again from surveying all the pretty horses. "Something amuses you, melamin?"

Warning, warning! He just called me 'my love'! We are so not in a well-written Mary-Sue! I thought to Laura.

…Damn, she sent back distractedly.

Legolas was holding his hand out to me so I walked over to him, wondering why it was that we stood in front of an empty stall. Legolas swept me into his arms and we fell gracefully into the clean, sweet smelling hay. Oh. That was why.

"Prince Legolas!" I gasped, holding up a hand to push him away, as my maidenly honor required of me. He smelled clean, like a forest, and I wanted him to kiss me. Well, honestly, if you were in my position - and that is meant in the least sexual way possible - you would want the Greek-god beauty that is the perfect Prince of Mirkwood to kiss you -among other things - too!

"Harma," he said, shortening my elvish name to the endearment meaning 'treasure', "I have wanted you since I saw you this morning…Harmamin, you are so beautiful, please say you'll have me!" he whispered desperately into my hair. I sighed - but opened my eyes after a moment, as his words sunk in. Wait a minute - this morning? What was I yesterday? A duck?

Quack quack. Laura sent me.

I pushed him away gently, not wanting to hurt his feelings, but indignant all the same. "Legolas, your highness, I am only a maiden of fifteen summers!" I said, glowering as my tongue decided to take on a dialect of its own. He pulled me back down next to him. "Surely, beloved, we do not need such formalities! Call me Legolas." he beseeched me. I fought down the urge to roll my eyes as he kissed my hand again.

He doesn't know where that hand has been, eh, X-tyna? Not very hygienic are they, these…wonderful…gorgeous…elf-gods…Laura thought to me. I must have looked perplexed because Legolas said, "Fifteen summers is of marriageable age! Please, we can go tell my father now!" He kissed me on the lips suddenly, and I lost the ability to think.

"Please, your majesty, you must allow me some time to think!" I stammered, cursing myself and Laura and every other Mary-Sue writer, reformed or not! At least we could have been dropped into a decent MS, where the females are a bit more than simpering morons!

"I would not dishonor you." Legolas said hoarsely, meeting my eyes. I jumped up from the hay as if I'd been burned. "Good! I'm glad! Please don't!" I yelped. I hurried over to a dapple gray mare with opaque onyx eyes. Legolas was quick to inform me that her name was Celebduin, or Silver-River. Again, I fought the urge to roll my eyes and Celebduin bit at my hair in a reproachful sort of way, as if she knew that I thought her name was typical.

Legolas chose a white stallion, whom I recognized at once.

"Arod!"

The horse snorted boredly at me, obviously the only one who was not impressed with my sudden development of breasts in a Britney Spears overnight sensation sort of way. At least someone has some sense around here, Laura thought, and I had to agree.

"How did you know this is Arod?" Legolas asked. I blanched, distracted by the excited whoops that Laura was currently sending me telepathically. What was going on with that girl?

"Oh…I recognized him." I stuttered. Legolas looked unconvinced. "But you have never seen him before," he said skeptically. "How could you have recognized him?" I shrugged.

"What other noble steed would Prince Legolas, the eyes of the Fellowship of the Ring, ride, if not the brave stallion Arod of Rohan, who has carried the unconquerable Prince into many fierce battles?" I asked, once again shocked at how my tongue ran away with itself gleefully.

"I wouldn't say unconquerable." Legolas said softly, moving closer to me. Oh, damn. I moved away nervously, fully aware that I was well on my way to getting the reputation of a tease. Just brilliant. For every step the prince took toward me, I took one back until I was right up against Celebduin, who was behind me.

Oblivious, Legolas said, "Obviously the Valar have blessed you, Harma, for the sweet words you utter are made sweeter by the melodious music of your voice."

Gag me now, please. Laura thought.

"Personal space!" I whimpered as Legolas leaned in closer, his lips, I realized, were the lips that belonged to the dozens of Orlando Bloom pictures on my wall, and I struggled to quell the urge to tug on Legolas' ears and hair. I was wondering if maybe I'd been abducted by some crazy Hollywood executive and dropped on the set of "Lord of the Rings: The Curse of the Mary Sue", or some sick reality TV show, testing the morality of young teenage girls.

Which, of course, would have me screwed - literally. Orlando Bloom is the hottest man on the planet. All morals surrender in his presence.

Legolas, however, did not seem to know this importance of having a personal space. I turned my head to the side and ducked, so his kiss landed up in my hair instead of on my lips. The result was that Legolas thought I was falling and took the opportunity to put his arm around my waist, and grabbed the two other horses by the reins, leading them out of the stable.

"My lady is shy." Legolas remarked suddenly, as if it had just occurred to him that a girl could be shy. As if no other girl who fell into Mirkwood had ever refused to be tumbled around in the hay before. Hell, I don't even know how I refused!

In fact, why should I be reluctant, if none of the other girls were? Here before me stood a beautiful elf, hot as hell and probably great in bed - not to mention kind and wise and gorgeous and respectful and handsome! Where on Earth would I find another male like that? Why shouldn't I just give in? I mean, not only would I be marrying the epitome of wonderfulness, but I'd also be a princess! And what girl doesn't dream of being a princess?

Don't go there, Crystyna. Stay away from those dangerous Mary-Sue thoughts. Laura thought to me, but rather half-heartedly. Ever wonder what happened to those other girls?

I had the same thought at the same time, causing a weird echo in my head. But she - and I - was right. What did happen to the other 'beautiful maiden's' that 'graced Mirkwood'? I pulled away from Legolas rather abruptly. I would have to talk to Laura about this later.

Hot bod, was Laura's current thought that floated through my mind. I blinked. Make that bods, she amended. "Lau - LOTHUVIEL!" I shrieked and ran out. "LOTHUVIEL, WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT ORGIES?!?" I bellowed, but the sight that I was met with was none that I could have imagined.

I'll tell you right now that it was nothing in the way of a ménage a trios. No, Laura thought, sending me a wicked grin. But I can't say I'd decline. I glared at her.

Now who's having the Mary-Sueish thoughts? I demanded as she walked over to me. She had to walk around the shirtless and wrestling Elladan and Elrohir, both of them gloriously half naked and trying to smash each other to pieces.

"What is the meaning of this?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest and not taking my eyes of the twins. SO gorgeous.

"Well, they were fighting." Laura said evasively. I snorted. "Over what? What could possibly make two full-grown male elves wrestle around like a bunch of -" But comprehension dawned on me even as Laura raised a hand rather sheepishly in the air.

I jumped as either Elladan or Elrohir was thrown by either Elrohir or Elladan, and rolled under me. Laura dragged me over by where her and the twins horses stood tethered.

"Please explain to me how they got to be so shirtless?" I said, talking to her but my eyes never leaving the twins, except to register that Legolas had finally emerged from the stables and was sprinting towards the Rivendell princelings, screaming his head off about frightening the maidens.

"Oooh, maybe he'll take his shirt off too!" Laura said hopefully, and I nodded dumbly in agreement. Laura shook her head and then snapped her fingers in front of my eyes to bring us back from whatever filthy thought was filling our minds. "Yeah, one of them challenged the other to a duel with me as the prize - arrogant bastard, who do they think I am, Helen of Troy? - and I couldn't let them fight with swords, could I? Because then there'd be blood and they could seriously injure each other." she answered her own question.

"So you suggested that they tear each other apart with their bare hands?" I asked. We both winced as Legolas' legs were kicked out from under him and he crashed onto his back. It was all I could do not to run over to him holding my dress up delicately in one hand and dropping to kneel beside him and press a gracefully gently hand to his brow as my raven hair swept over the both of us and I asked him breathlessly if he was alright.

Laura noticed this and grabbed my arm even as I tensed to spring into action in my Mary-Sueish flight.

Legolas seemed to be waiting for me as well, laying still on the ground for a few moments before picking himself up dejectedly only to be knocked back down as Elladan and Elrohir tumbled toward him, snarling.

"What should we do, Luna?" I asked, but she ran off towards the twins before she could answer, throwing herself heroically between them. I hurried over.

"Enough!" she proclaimed with her arms stretched out between them. "I cannot bear to be the cause of such strife between brothers!" she said, her voice sounding as if she were about to burst into tears. She lowered her arms and I ran over and grabbed her away before Elladan or Elrohir could start squabbling like old women over who would comfort her. Laura looked disgusted with herself at the words she'd just spoken.

We ran over to our horses and Laura managed to vault onto hers - I suppose because she'd had some skill with horses back in Regular Earth (she has a horse named Duke, which is incredibly unfair because I want a horsie!!!!) She was off in a gallop with the twins scrambling to follow her.

I, however, managed to slam into Celebduin and fall down on my ass. The horse turned her head to look at me, and whinnied as if she was laughing. I heard gentle chuckling behind me and thought for a moment maybe she was laughing - but it turned out to be Legolas. He lifted me up as if I weighed nothing - which, most likely, I did - and held me the way a groom might hold his bride when walking over the threshold into their new house. He placed me lightly on Celebduin and sprang up next to me, holding me around the waist. Now, I'll have you know that I have been horseback riding no less than twice in my lifetime - and I was fairly good at it. But now, it seemed, I was made to be the damsel in distress, and had to be held on the horse. Thankfully for Legolas he looked the way he did, and I didn't mind so much.

He unbraided my hair and pulled out pieces of hay while nudging Celebduin into a trot - man, was this elf multi-tasking or what? - as we followed the trail that Laura and the twins had made in the forest.

A/N: Whew, I didn't realize it was so long. It's not completely horrible, right??