Disclaimer: Don't own.
A/N: Sorry it's been so long. I haven't had the slightest idea where to go with this story…do I want it to be mindless and funny, or have some semblance of a plot? Oy…
"And then he told me how honored he would be if I would accompany him to the Ball tonight! Again!" Laura griped, yanking a comb through her hair. Or trying too. Her now waist-length silvery blonde hair had not one tangle in it, a fact that seemed to irritate my friend to no avail. I sighed and walked over to her dresser, surveying the contents on the counter sullenly.
"Well, it can't be all that bad," I said half-heartedly.
"THAT BAD!" She practically shrieked with indignation. "It's terrible! An abomination. An abomination? JEBUS what is happening to us, Morha? Christina! Crystyna! Tuna! God DAMN it."
"What are you so upset about?" I asked. I was rather pleased with the fact that Legolas has asked me to be his date-thing (do they call them "dates" in Middle Earth) for tonight's Ball. Another Ball. We had one yesterday, didn't we? And the day before that, and the day before that, and nearly every night since the day Laura and I dropped in on Legolas in the forest. Quite literally. And if it wasn't a Ball, it was a feast. Or some elf's birthday. Or some elf's wedding, or engagement, or bloody coronation!
Well, we hadn't actually been to a coronation yet.
It was quite wonderful, actually, if a bit redundant. Every night Laura and I would have some fine dresses picked out for us by our two little demure maids. One was named Idrial, and the other named Cerial. Cerial didn't know why Laura and I cracked up when she introduced herself. The fact that in our earth she's a breakfast food soared right over her head.
Anyway, so far Laura and I had been through twenty-eight dinner gowns altogether. Twenty-eight! It's insane. I don't even have that many pairs of jeans back home. And every night our hair was styled in a different way, and we were given many different choices of perfume. Granted, each perfume was the scent of a different flower, and they were things like "moonflower blossom" and "luster leaf petal." You get the idea.
Each night Legolas accompanied me to a clearing where the Elves danced and sang under an oddly large moon. If the moon wasn't out, the stars shone all the brighter, and there were torches and incense and the scent of venison to fill the forest. Amazingly enough, with everything that Laura and I had eaten each night, we seemed to gain not a pound.
Quite frankly, it was disturbing. Or it was beginning to be so. But I was enjoying the company of a certain elf far too much to notice. While he had stopped his attempts at bedding me, his courting did not decrease. And let me tell you, the courtship of an Elf - and Elf Prince, at that - is much more satisfactory than that of some horny human teenager.
"Precisely," Laura said suddenly.
"What?" I asked, shaking my head and sitting at my own white-wood carved dresser, running and ivory-tooth comb through my shiny, wavy dark hair. Laura rolled her eyes.
"Everything that's going on! Its just wrong. We're fifteen, Crystyna! And here we are, in Middle Earth, with the knock-out bodies of twenty-one year olds, with gorgeous centuries-old Elves drooling over us like we're some Victoria's Secret swimsuit models -"
"Actually, we're prettier than the swimsuit models, in that we don't look like we're dying…"
"Exactly! It's not natural. We must have lost fifteen pounds each once we got here - and our hair grew unnaturally long, and I have not had a pimple or a cold since we got here!'
"And you're complaining why?"
"BECAUSE -"
"Exactly. You don't know why you're complaining. What could possibly go wrong because of this, Luna? Just enjoy it. Here were are, hot mama's with C-cup bras, with gorgeous beyond gorgeous elves falling over themselves for us. We get to eat whatever the hell we want and not feel guilty about it. We get these spectacular dresses night after night - we're living like princesses. Goddesses! Varda, this is what I've wanted since I was a little girl -" Laura turned around from where she was sitting, her hair pulled over her shoulder in a column of silver. She raised an eyebrow at me suspiciously.
"What did you just say?" she asked.
"I said Varda - oh. Oh no. I said Varda!"
"You did," Laura said bleakly. I swallowed hard. "You mean…we're actually turning into Mary Sues?"
"'Fraid so," she answered, turning back to the mirror and glaring at it.
"No way. Prove it." I was in denial. There was no way I could be turning into a Mary-Sue. It would just ruin everything. Everything! How could I be happy with Legolas if the only reason he was enamored with me was because I was turning into some sickeningly perfect Mary Sue? I mean, every girl strives for perfection. But actually achieving it? Kind of puts a damper on things. Once you're perfect, there's nothing more to strive for. I looked in the mirror and saw my face, which seemed to glow a good few shades paler than the healthy olive I was used to - or the unhealthy, slightly anemic olive I was used to when I forget to take my vitamins. I looked whiter. That wasn't good. I was proud of my Hispanic-Italian heritage, Eru damn it!
"Fine, I'll prove it," Laura was saying. "Antolle ulua sulrim1," she muttered. I jumped up and glared at her, crossing my arms over my chest. "Auta miqula orqu2, moron!" I snapped back. She grinned nastily at me, "Lasta lalaithamin3foolish one."
"Foolish one! Moi? Dolle naa lost4, Lothy!" I sneered back.
"Not so. I was the one who realized that we were turning into Mary Sues. And I'm the one who's blonde, dearest," she pointed out, demurely fixing her skirt and then stopping abruptly and frowning at the mirror again.
"Oh, very good, hodoea5" I said sullenly. Then I blinked. "Were we just speaking in Elvish?" I asked her. She nodded slowly, a tiny smile on her lips. "But I don't know Elvish!" I protested weakly. "Now do you believe me?" she asked. I walked over to my bed slowly and sat down, gripping the edges of the comforter to still the shaking of my hands. Then I looked down at my hands and cursed.
"We have got to stop this Mary Sue-ness!" I cried, clenching my hands into fists in my lap. Laura nodded and sat down next to me. "But how?" she asked. I sighed and rubbed my forehead tiredly, then remembered that I had done nothing that would cause such exertion. I sat up straight and tried in vain to mess up my hair.
"We're just going to have to stop acting like Mary Sues, then," I said firmly. Laura nodded and walked over to where she kept her dagger. "Here goes," she said, gripping her hair in one hand and the dagger in the other. Before I could yell N'ndengina ta6Laura had swiped the blade clean across her hair, which floated softly to the ground and glittered there sadly. She ran a hand through her now jaw-length do' and grinned at me. "Whaddya think?"
"You look like a Barbie who's hair I chopped off once," I said faintly. Her grin widened. "Perfect!" she said happily, kicking the other foot and a half of hair underneath her bed. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my Barbie actually looked good with all her hair chopped off.
"Well, I guess that means I have to do something anti-Sueish too," I said glumly, thinking of how shell-shocked Legolas would be if I showed up to the Ball bald. Laura offered me her dagger. "Oh, Luna, don't make me cut my hair. Even in real Earth I'd been trying to grow it long!" I whined. She sighed. "Then what are you going to do?" she asked tiredly. I sat on the bed again and pondered.
"AHA!" I shouted suddenly, getting up and rushing over to the divider that separated our sleeping quarters from the wash room. A splash later, I emerged, with my hair sopping wet and what little make up I had applied smeared down my face.
"Very anti-Sue," Laura approved. I nodded, "Thank you, kind sir," I teased. She glared at me and absently fingered her now-short locks. Then came a knock on the door.
"That'll be our Princelings!" I said, hurrying over to the door and tearing it open in anticipation. There was no one there, only a note announcing that the Ball tonight had been cancelled, and all of the invited guests would be eating dinner in their quarters that night. Alone.
A/N: Okay, I think I've decided to try to weave in some sort of a plot with the madness. Enjoy and review, please!
1. Much wind pours from your mouth.
2. Go kiss an Orc.
3. Listen to my laughter.
4. Your head is empty.
5. Wise one.
6. Don't kill it!