How Could This Happen To Me?
Written by: American Idiot's Broken Dreams
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
She opened her eyes and tried to figure out where she was. But, all she saw were shadows and a brilliant, nearly blinding white light. Where was she? She couldn't be anywhere else except speeding down the highway and gripping the half empty bottle of whiskey.
Emma Nelson had left her only child on the doorstep of his father's house over three months ago and that's when her life had fallen apart.
Andrew Shane Cameron was her beautiful baby boy, born at a healthy seven pounds and point-zero-two ounces. He looked a lot like Sean, but his smile was hers, his eyes were hers, and that beautiful, golden blonde hair belonged to the both of them—Sean and Emma together. But, apparently, Sean still didn't want her.
After all they had been through together, after he had saved her life, after that had happened between them—Sean still want the family they deserved to have together. All she wanted was Sean. The one man she'd ever loved, truly, didn't love her back, and that was more than she could take. That's why she had tried to kill herself.
"Miss Nelson," the nurse called while she inserted the IV into the back of her hand. "Can you tell me what happened?"
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
"I was driving," Emma began dazedly, "and I wanted it to end. Everything, all my problems, troubles—I wanted them to go away!"
"Miss Nelson, are you trying to say you tried to kill yourself?" the nurse asked solemnly, looking at the doctor.
"I just wanted everything to end. I can't stand it anymore, and I wanted to make it go away. So, yes, I wanted to die." Emma murmured numbly.
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
For the next forty-eight hours, Emma was put on suicide watch and no one was allowed to visit her, not even her parents. This gave her more time to reflect on her problems, her life, and how she was going to succeed in committing suicide. After all she had nothing left to live for.
"Miss Nelson?" the nurse called to Emma softly, poking her head through the door. "You have some visitors."
"Send them in," I replied flatly.
A few minutes later, Sean, the one person she wanted to see the most, walked in, with a baby on each hip. One of them, she didn't recognize except for Sean's face, but the other baby was her sweet, beautiful son Andrew.
"Hey, Emma," Sean said lightly.
"Sean, I didn't think you'd get my message." Emma's breath caught in her chest.
"Yeah, well, I checked it after I brought Andrew and Tyler from Jimmy's and I rushed over here. Emma, I can't believe you tried to do this to yourself!" Sean whispered fiercely, as if the two babies could understand him.
He sat the boys on green upholstered couch, and turned to Emma, his gaze firm. The red-headed boy sitting next to Andrew peered around Sean's leg, to look at Emma with concerned green eyes.
"Who's the other kid?" Emma asked, ignoring him.
"My other son, Tyler," Sean informed.
"With Ellie," Emma whispered irately.
Sean was too concerned with Emma's well-being to catch her angry and he waved it off. All he wanted to know was why, why would Emma do this to herself?
"Yes, with Ellie, but that's not important right now." Pulling up a chair beside Emma's bed, Sean turned it to face the window and sat down, facing the bed. "Why would you do this to yourself, Emma? Could life possibly that bad to whereas you want to kill yourself?"
"You don't know what things have been like since, you left Sean. You don't know I had to struggle with post-partum depression after I had Andrew, partly from you leaving, and partly because I knew I wasn't fit to be a mother." Emma's voice was full of emotion and anger.
"But, were things so bad that you had to try and commit suicide?" Sean fathomed.
"You just don't know! That's why I left Andrew with you, because I would have done something stupid like, like starving him to death or beating on him. I was that depressed and miserable." Emma confessed.
"Emma, I don't understand—" Sean began.
"That's right, you don't understand! You don't know what it's like to have this feeling that you're not good enough—for anybody!" Emma almost yelled.
Tyler, who had slipped off the couch quietly, was now standing at the edge of the bed, looking up at his father and Emma with concern. Being the sweet and caring child he was, Tyler worried about what was going on.
"Daddy," Tyler said looking over at Sean.
"Son, Daddy needs you to sit over there and be quiet." Sean said, picking up Tyler and going to sit him back on the couch.
"Daddy, lady cry!" Tyler said pointing at Emma.
"I know, son, but—" Sean tried to sit him back down.
"No, Daddy! Lady cry! Lady sad!" Tyler wiggled down from Sean's hold and toddled over to Emma clumsily.
"Lady okay?" Tyler asked innocently.
Emma looked over to Andrew who didn't seem the least bit concerned with Emma's state or being. He sat there, kicking his feet and looking at the tile.
"Sean, can I hold him?" Emma asked her eyes glued to her baby boy.
"Sure, but I'm not sure he'll come to you." Sean shrugged.
He picked up the content Andrew, and bent over to hand him to Emma. But, to Emma's horror, Andrew shrank back and squirmed.
"No, Daddy," Andrew whined, burying his face in the crook of Sean's neck.
"Come on, don't be like this. Go to your mother." Sean coaxed.
"Not Mommy! Mommy home!" Andrew whimpered, squirming to get down.
"I'm-I'm sorry, Emma, he doesn't know you. He doesn't want to come to you." Sean said somewhat guilty.
"It's okay," Emma murmured numbly, leaning back into the bed.
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Her own son didn't know who she was. The baby she had pushed from her womb, the one she had carried for nine months to term when she could have easily aborted him, did not know who she was.
Of course, she had left him with his father at one month, but that was for his own good. She didn't want to hurt him to come back to the slum of an apartment she lived in or the drugs she had taken to, so she gave up all parental rights to Sean. And because of that, it probably meant that Ellie was his legally his mother.
It wasn't any wonder Andrew didn't know who she was; Sean probably had Andrew calling Ellie 'mommy'.
"It's just that when you left him with me, about six months later, Ellie and I got back together. We are a family now, Em, and you were nowhere to be found." Sean apologized looking guiltily at the space out Emma.
"Leave, Sean," Emma said, her bottom lip quivering.
"Emma, don't. I know you're angry, and you've got every right to be, but, as mean and harsh as this sounds, you brought this on yourself."
"I brought this on myself! Sean, my baby doesn't know who I am! Ellie's son is more concerned with how I am than my own baby. You have could at least shown him pictures so he'd know that I was 'mommy' and not your wife!" Emma nearly screamed, angry tears now streaming down his face.
"You gave up parental rights and disappeared! How was I supposed tell him that you were his mother and not the woman I loved, lived with, and treated him like her own son?" Sean was now heated that Emma could blame him for her mistakes.
The realization of everything hit her like a ton of bricks. Sean was right; totally right. But, she didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to dwell on the past that had gone so horribly wrong. She just wanted Sean and both his sons to leave—because they were reminding him of all her mistakes and how she was nothing more than a sluttish screw-up.
"Go, Sean, leave. Go back to your perfect wife, and your perfect family."
"Emma—"
"GET OUT!" she screamed with finality.
"Fine, I'm sorry we bothered you." Sean gave Emma one last, pitying look, before he took Tyler's hand and led them out the door.
And as the door clicked with a snap, Emma was left with silecen and the realization that Sean had just closed a door on a part of her life—a door that she'd never been able to open, and a part of her past she couldn't relive.
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
"Emma Stephanie Nelson! I cannot believe you'd do something so stupid and irresponsible! Did you ever think of the consequences if you hadn't succeeded in k-killing yourself!" Spike was shouting furiously, not bothering to notice that Emma was beyond this world.
Since Sean had left, she had slipped into a daze. Nothing mattered anymore; because the one thing that gave her hope and that let her keep going was her son, Andrew. She had hoped that she would be able to hold him again, kiss him, tell him how much she loved him—but those dreams were now cruelly shot down.
She should have been grateful that Sean conceded to letting her hold him, even though he wouldn't come to her. But even that was slowly being crushed by the growing darkness. She had nothing to live for now. It was final. She didn't have her family. She slipped from them ages and ages ago, after the shooting. And that had have been well nine years ago.
It was definite that she wanted to die. No one would miss her. No one would care that Emma was gone and she was sure of it. But, underneath all the dark feelings of death and hatred, all she wanted was to start over.
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
She wanted to go back to Grade Nine were nothing mattered but the environment, worrying about Snake's health, and helping her mom with then baby Jack. But, should could erase the past or change the things she had done to everybody. She couldn't go back and make things better for Rick so he wouldn't blow his top and shoot Jimmy or wrestle with the gun with Sean, ultimately killing him, and she couldn't go back and say "No, Jay, I don't want to be shown anything". She couldn't even explain why she done what she had with Jay. Emma couldn't do anything to help herself falling into this darkness that threatened her life.
"Emma," Spike had stopped screaming by now and was genuinely worried now
Because the whole time she had been yelling and shouting, Emma hadn't said a word. She just stared at the wall, popping a rubber band on her wrist. Usually, when being fussed at Emma would defend herself, but something just wasn't right about Emma.
"Emma, sweetheart," Spike said softly.
"Are you done yelling?" Emma snapped suddenly.
"I was just making sure you knew that what you tried to do was dangerous and wrong. That's my job as your mother, to make sure you know right from wrong and when you do something wrong, I have to correct you." Spike replied, firmly.
"Fine. I want to see Jack." Emma's eyes were still distant, but she did have a flicker of something in her eyes—an unreadable emotion.
"Honey, I don't think it's a good idea to bring him in here. He's only twelve, and he wouldn't understand what it means for someone to say you tried to kill yourself." Spike murmured.
"Just send him in! I want to see my brother!"
"Okay, sweetheart, just please don't tell him why you are here or try to explain it. That's for me and Snake to handle," With a light touch on the arm Spike exited the room.
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
"Em," she heard someone call softly from the door.
Emma looked up to see her younger brother, Jack. With a head full of shaggy, dirty blonde hair and scared hazel eyes Jack stood at a tall five-seven for his eleven years. He looked at Emma, as though he couldn't believe that she was here and looking like this. He tentatively stepped in the room and closed the door, as if he didn't know what he was doing here.
"Hey, Jack," Emma said distantly.
"Emma, I heard Mom yelling and—and I want to know what happened. Dad said you just got into an accident, but I don't believe that. It's just something about they way he sounded like he was trying to convince himself. So, tell me, what happened." Jack was smart and serious for his age, something Emma was never.
"I can't tell you, Mom said so," Emma said distantly.
"Emma! Don't play this 'Jack's too young' crap with me. I want to know what happened—for real." Jack said, sitting on the edge of Emma's bed.
"You can't tell Mom I told you." For a moment, Emma's eyes came up to meet Jack's.
He was intently looking at her, serious about wanting to know the truth. For an eleven year old, Jack was more mature and wise than Emma was at his age—Jordan proved that.
"Fine, I just want to know," Jack urged eagerly.
"I tried to kill myself," Emma told him, watching his face change from eagerness to shock then anger.
"Why would you do something so stupid!" he nearly hollered, leaping off the bed.
"Jack, you don't understand," Emma mumbled weakly, leaning back on her pillow.
"I understand that you're feeling sorry yourself. Just because you lost Andrew doesn't mean you don't have anything to live for anymore." Jack stated knowingly.
"How'd you find out about Andrew!" Emma inquired sharply.
"Mom and Dad think I'm stupid. They don't know that I know more they give me credit for," Jack smiled grimly, "and besides, I've seen pictures."
"He's beautiful isn't he?" Emma asked her voice full of emotion.
"Gorgeous," Jack assured, patting his sister's knee.
A knock at the door warranted someone else had arrived, and the special moments between siblings. Emma nodded, and Jack announced, "Come in,"
The first thing they saw was a pregnant belly come through the door, and then the rest of Manny Santos, beautiful and in all her glory. Her long, black hair was hanging in her face, curly and loaded down with mousse, and her brown eyes were shining with fear.
"Emma! Thank God," Manny said, spotting her on the bed.
With some difficulty, Manny waddled over to Emma and enveloped her in a huge hug. Just the feeling of Manny pregnancy pressing against her stomach made her want scream out and shout for Andrew.
"Manny, I…you're pregnant." Emma trailed off lamely.
Manny looked down, as if she didn't know her rounded belly was there, and smiled. She rubbed her stomach and looked up at Emma with shining eyes.
"Yeah, seven month along. But, that's not important right now. What's important is why you…" Manny threw a sidelong glance at Jack.
"Don't worry, I know, carry on," Jack said quickly.
Still, as if she wasn't sure, Manny continued in a low whisper, "Em, why'd you try and commit suicide? What in your life is so bad that you can't stand living?"
"Wait," Emma said and looked over at Jack. "Jack, you can go now."
"Okay, but, I want you know that I'm not the nimrod of an eleven year old Mom and Dad think I am. I'm here for you," Jack stood to leave.
"Come here," Emma said, reaching for him.
She hugged him tightly, and placed a kiss on his cheek.
"I love you, Jack, and I'm going to miss you," she said with double meaning.
"Love you too, Em," Jack said and before he left, gave her a look that clearly said, "Don't do anything stupid."
Manny waited until the door was closed to start talking again.
"What's wrong, Emma?" Manny said sincerely, taking the seat next to her. "What's been going so terribly wrong since Sean left?"
Emma looked at the girl who used to be her best friend, and contemplated telling her anything. Emma was spiraling down into a whole, a dark one at that, and the last thing she need was someone who had everything she needed and wanted telling her what she was doing wrong. But, Emma decided, what can it hurt to tell her everything before I go? It's not like she's going to find out after I'm gone.
"I honestly think it started back in Grade Ten, when I got involved with Jay after the shooting…" And Emma dove straight into a long, emotional tale of drugs, sex, affairs, and Andrew, eventually leading up to this slow demise.
By the end, both Manny and Emma were crying and gripping each other's hands. Manny leaned forward, with some difficulty, and smiled sadly at Emma.
"You should have told me, Emma. I would have been there for you, listened to your problems and helped you. You know that," Manny blinked, letting more tears fall.
"Yeah right," Emma scoffed, looking at the ceiling. "You were too busy leading the famous life you had always wanted, going to Paris and London with your fashion, plus traveling around the world with your big, superstar, basketball play of a boyfriend!" Emma cried.
"No, Emma, don't bring him into this. He was nothing to do with his and you know it. I would have been there for you, regardless of where my fashion or James's travels took me. All you had to do was call," Manny said, somewhat angrily.
"Just leave," Emma said suddenly and wearily.
"What?" Manny stated.
"Leave, Manuela, because I have nothing else to say to you." Emma's mood had suddenly shifted from sad and needing to irate and harsh.
"Emma, what are you saying?" Manny didn't understand why her mood had suddenly shifted.
"I'm saying that you never really cared. You just wanted to feel like a good person, so you pretended. And now, nobody can help me, so just leave." Emma looked away, out the window at the bustling Toronto view.
"Okay," Manny said slowly, and she stood up starting towards the door. She was confused, hurt, and mostly angry that Emma wouldn't let her help.
"But Emma," Manny said, her hand on the door.
"What," Emma snapped.
"We might not have stayed best friends, but I still love you and want to help you." And, just as Sean, Manny left and closed another door on Emma. The door that pushed her over the edge.
Two months later…
Emma Nelson's hands gripped the steel cool metal of the bridge, her feet steady on the railing. Her parents didn't care anymore. Manny didn't care anymore. Not even Sean, the father of her only child, cared anymore. She had nothing left to live for, but the hopes of dying.
But even that, the hope that she would die from and overdose of crack or spelling pills, had been cruelly taken away from her.
"No one will miss me," Emma mumbled to herself. "So this will be easy."
Her foot slid a little, making her aware that she was going to fall before her time. Today was November eighteen, a day that she would never forget. Because exactly one year ago today, she had brought Andrew Shane Cameron into this world.
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
But even that hope was gone. She'd never be able to see Andrew again and she just had to accept that.
The cool November wind tightened around her frail body, but the chill didn't even make her shiver. She was already colder than any physical cold could make her. The first inklings of dawn played on the horizon, and she could see the water crashing and sliding on the rocks that were on the bad of the river. Sharp, jagged rocks that promised nothing but pain; the rocks that Emma needed to stop her pain.
Just stop thinking and do it, Emma pushed herself. But, now Emma knew she had to do it for sure. The affects of the weed was wearing off and she knew she needed jump. So, with a trembling body, she let her hands unclench and her body slipped from the railing.
She sped down to the icy waters, her eyes closed; she knew that it would all be over. She wouldn't have to contemplate about how to clean up her act or how to get Andrew back, because she would have nothing more to feel.
I'm sick of this life
I'm sorry, everybody, was the only thought running through her mind.
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
And as Emma's body crashed into the icy waters, her head catching one of the many jagged rocks, all her pain ended. All her misery, hopeless thoughts, and wishes that she could erase the past and do things right disappeared from her mind. Emma Nelson had succeeded in doing the one thing she thought would help her. Emma Nelson had finally committed suicide.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, just Manny's pregnancy, Andrew Cameron and Tyler Nash-Cameron. I don't even own the song—it belongs to the second best rock band in the world: SIMPLE PLAN!
Well, yeah, that ending was kind of—there's not really a way to describe it. But, it had to be done. For reasons that are obvious in this one-shot-chapter and the others that lie ahead. This story is going to be so good…