"I'm not an idiot"
Season 8 – Threads
Set during the end of Threads – Sam POV
Disclaimer - We all know that they're not mine.
I'm fishing! Hell – after so many years of denying myself, I'm finally fishing. With Jack. And do you know what we're doing – fishing! We're actually sitting on the jetty next to Jack's pond fishing. I must be more delusional than even I thought because I honestly believed that for all of these years, "fishing" was code for … for something else. Something forbidden, something intimate, something we couldn't dare verbalize. So it became "fishing". What an idiot I am. All of these years, thinking we were talking about something else.
I remember so clearly sitting in my lab when Jack asked me to go fishing with him again. In my mind it was always, "Jack" who had asked me, not Colonel O'Neill, because my CO couldn't be asking. So Jack asked and as usual I said No. He was expecting that answer because I always said No. Never the less, disappointment still touched his eyes and I felt a sharp pang in my chest. So that time something snapped in me. Why was I denying myself the next step forward in something that we both wanted. Sam and Jack. So I ran after him and in a flash of bright white light … he disappeared. Huh! If I didn't have any knowledge of the Asgard, I would have taken it as a sign from God that "fishing" with Jack was not a good idea. Then, because I am Samantha Carter, I took it as a sign anyway.
So I continued to refuse his invitations until finally my Dad said something in the infirmary just before he dies that struck a chord with me. "Don't let rules stand in your way". Those were the words that were reverberating around my head when Jack asked me once again to join him at his cabin for a weekend of fishing. So I said Yes. I had to actually bite my lip to stop myself from laughing when I saw the shocked expression on Jack's face. I didn't think his eyes could go that wide. And then they narrowed and in a soft low voice he asked "Are you sure?" and I simply nodded.
Which leads me here to – fishing!
I'm trying so hard not to look disappointed. We've been up here all day by ourselves and all we've done is have lunch, chat about nothing and fish. I was so sure that the minute we got up here something would happen. On the drive up here I couldn't stop myself from fantasizing about the scene – we would be unable to keep our hands off each other, tearing at clothes in our hurry to act on the feelings we've repressed for so many years. But no. We've had a truly 'friendly' day.
Oh God! Maybe that's all I am to him now. Could it bebg? I mean I know there was Pete … and Kerry but … Oh I am such an idiot! Stay calm. Don't let him see you're upset. "This is great". Why did I blurt that out? " I told ya", Jack replied. "I can't believe we didn't do this before" Now why did I say that? "Yes. Well. Let's not dwell", said Jack in a sarcastic tone.
That's right Sam. Don't dwell. Don't dwell on the fact that you've held onto this fantasy for years. Don't dwell on the fact that you dumped the one man who loved you because of the delusion you created about your CO. "There are no fish in this pond are there?" I say with a smile on my face trying to make sure he doesn't see the sadness in my eyes. "No", he admits with a smile.
And now Daniel and T'ealc are here. Great! It's a freaking team-building event now. What was I thinking agreeing to this? I can't do this anymore. I can't keep sitting here, smiling sweetly with a god damn fishing pole in my hand. I have to get out of here. "Er – Sir. I have to get something from the kitchen". That's it Sam. Get up and walk away before he can say anything. Walk slowly so he doesn't suspect that there's anything wrong. Let the door close quitely behind you. I stand at the sink and look out at the woods. It really is beautiful here. I can see why Jack loves it here so much.
Huh? I must have zoned out Since I didn't hear anyone come in. But someone is definitely here in the kitchen with his hands making their way around my hips coming to rest around my waist. I feel his warm breath against my hair and him gently kissing my neck. He softly whispers in my ear. I try hard to focus on the words, trying to overcome the fuzzy state of shock that surrounds me. What did he say? I whisper "What did you say?" He lets out a quiet laugh. "I love you Samantha Carter" he repeats. I slowly turn around in his arms and find myself staring into the deepest chocolate brown eyes on the planet. "You do?" Even to me my tone sounds incredulous. He laughs again says "I do" and a grin slowly spreads across his face.
Yes! I am not an idiot!
I grin back and whisper "I love you too Jack O'Neill". He leans forward and I hold my breath. His lips touch mine and it's like everything I've ever imagined and more. He pulls away and looks deep into my eyes. His look turns from lustful to something else – his eyes are actually smiling. He grins again, cups my cheek and says "Now this is what I call fishing!"
I am so not an idiot!
7/8/2005 7:52 PM (2K)
Fishing.doc