This was probably the most difficult chapter to write thus far, simply because of the intense emotions flying out every which way. It was definitely an outlet for me; I got a lot of bitterness and pain out by transferring it to the tragic couple. Thanks once again to Jezebel, who stayed on the phone with me for the duration of this chapter shouting dialogue ideas into my ear and keeping me writing, though I made myself emotionally exhausted by doing so. So, if you haven't already, go read her stuff! Go! Oh, and may I just ask because you all leave reviews: who DOESN'T torture Hermione and Ginny?
Unexpected
Chapter Eight: Broken Dolls
"You wanted to talk," Ginny stated simply as she settled into the chair across from Hermione. The fire was still going, crackling now and then, but the welcoming feeling she usually felt was gone. Its orange light was now harsh, casting strange shadows around the room and in Hermione's face. The brunette was sitting with her legs crossed, wearing one of Fred's sweaters and a pair of jeans, looking so fragile and uncomfortable that Ginny's heart couldn't help but ache for her love for the girl, despite the jealousy that currently reigned.
Hermione nodded, nervously curling strands of hair around her fingers, a habit, Ginny noticed, that popped up whenever she was uncomfortable or scared. The lump in her throat from earlier returned, threefold, and she was having difficulty breathing from the suspense.
"Ginny, I…" Hermione stopped and took a deep calming breath. Her hands were shaking badly and she wished she could disappear from view, crawl into the wall and never come out again, or just die on the spot, rather than hurt the one person that made her feel complete. Just get it over with; you're most likely only hurting her more by delaying, she thought to herself. She caught Ginny's eyes with hers, a difficult task, considering the redhead seemed to be trying her hardest to avoid meeting her gaze, and started again. "Ginny, I slept with Fred."
It seemed so strange to say it aloud. The truth, lying exposed between them, changed the atmosphere of the room. The fire was dimmer, the air was cooler and thick with tension. The knives of Hermione's words were flying with pinpoint precision at Ginny's chest, lodging themselves into Ginny's heart and refusing to be pulled out again. What Hermione didn't know was that they had already been there, from days and nights of her mind twisting around the possibility of betrayal like snakes in tall grass, known of but, until now, unseen. Now they were at the hilts of the knives and pushing them in deeper, but she still couldn't quite believe it.
"You what?" Ginny was surprised at the harsh tones to her voice. Her voice and body shook with anger. She could tell that it both hurt and scared Hermione, but she didn't care. She was too hurt to care.
"I…" Hermione faltered, tears slipping from her amber eyes that were so hollow now, so open and exposed, but lifeless. "I'm so sorry, Ginny… I didn't know what else to do…"
There was a silence between them for a moment, as Ginny processed her words and Hermione tried to gather hers into some sort of explanation. But how could Ginny understand what she had been thinking? How could Ginny understand why she was still with Fred, why she had agreed to have sex with him, when she barely knew the reasons herself?
"When?"
Hermione had become so lost in her thoughts she had barely heard the girl. She looked over at her, feeling Ginny's pain wash over her body from those infinitely sad blue eyes that were swimming with unshed tears. "Four days ago," she whispered. "Saturday night. In his - in his bed. Girls are allowed in the boys' dormitory…" She was rambling; she immediately shut her suddenly dry mouth.
"Four days ago," Ginny repeated numbly. The snakes bit down and added their poison to the open wounds. Inside, she could feel her heart melting from their dangerous fangs, melting away into nothing. "Four days ago, it was four months since the day I kissed you and said I didn't mean it. But I wouldn't expect you to remember that. Considering you haven't noticed my existence for four days straight." Her anger was rising, and so was her voice. She didn't care if anyone woke up; Hermione deserved it if they were discovered here together. "Because you slept with my brother. And you said that you loved me. And you promised me that you would leave him, you would tell him the truth. You've been telling me that for three months, did you know that?" Her mind was screaming, her body was on fire from pain, as if she were being ripped apart from the inside from the knives and the snakes were slivering under her skin, and her thoughts took the form of snakes as well. "You've been lying to me," she choked, "all this time. Have you even loved me at all, Hermione? Or did you think that you would experiment a little, just to make sure that you weren't batting for the wrong team before you decided to have sex with my brother." She laughed hollowly, and it quickly turned into sobs that made her body shake; she hugged her knees to her chest, hating herself for believing everything Hermione had ever told her. Hating herself for loving this girl who had so willingly betrayed her trust and heart. Unbidden images of Hermione gasping under Fred's mouth and hands, her fingers brushing against his chest as he pulled off her robes flashed repeatedly in her head, drowning her.
"Of course I love you!" Hermione retorted, voice thick from swallowed tears. "How could I not?" She stood then, walking closer to Ginny, who only curled deeper within the chair. "Ginny, please," she sobbed at the younger girl, hands outspread in pleading, "Please, you have to believe me when I say I love you. I never meant for any of this to happen, but I… I didn't know what else to do, I didn't know what to do…"
"You could have said no!" Ginny shouted back, loud enough to convey her anger and stop the non-stop movie playing in her head. "You could have said anything, you could have even lied and said you weren't fucking ready yet, and he would have believed you! He loves you! Merlin knows that I've heard enough about how wonderful you are from him, how many times he's thanked me for telling him to ask you out in the first place." Months of bitterness were finally coming out of her mouth, and only grew stronger at Hermione's shocked expression. "What, he never told you?" she asked coldly. "He asked me for my advice if he should ask you out or not, the day after I kissed you. What was I supposed to say to him? No, that I was in love with you, that you were mine? You weren't responsive when I kissed you, I was scared, I thought you didn't love me at all." She choked again on sobs and couldn't speak, but Hermione didn't interrupt her. "I thought you didn't love me, so I told him to ask you out because I knew it would make him happy."
Hermione fell to her knees in front of Ginny, a look of surprise and disbelief on her face. She had never known; Fred had never told her about his conversation with Ginny, nor why he had asked her out besides how much he had admired her from afar. She felt the truth hit her chest like a flaming arrow, setting her mind on fire. If she had only told Ginny on that warm summer day in the field her feelings, this whole situation would have never happened. If she had only been strong enough to accept her feelings, everything would be okay now.
"I'm so sorry, Ginny," Hermione whispered, but Ginny cut her off.
"If you were so fucking sorry, then you wouldn't have done anything in the first place!" she shrieked, and found herself out of the seat, standing over Hermione imposingly. "You keep on saying that you're going to tell him soon - soon, for the past few fucking months! And I've just sat back quietly and let you tell me that you love me without any other proof than you sneaking into my bed or me sneaking into yours, a few comforting kisses on the cheek and the phrase 'I love you' the only thing I'm supposed to hang onto, while Fred gets to walk you to your classes, Fred gets to hold your hand, Fred gets to kiss you in public and tell you how pretty you are, and what do I get to do, Hermione? Sit back and watch it all happen and not even be able to tell you anything because it'll make you too sad and guilty to know how much you're hurting me inside every time I see you with him! I mean, what the hell am I to you, Hermione? Just a good fuck in the middle of the night? You don't even talk to me anymore! Are you afraid that someone might suspect and tell Fred, or he might be able to fucking figure it out himself just by seeing a few glances now and then pass between us?"
"It's not like that, Ginny," Hermione replied indignantly, crawling backwards across the carpet and using the chair behind her to help her stand.
"Oh?" Ginny cocked an eyebrow, hands balled into fists at her sides. "And what's it like then, huh? Explain it to me. I don't think I understand, Miss Granger."
Hermione hadn't felt anger towards Ginny up until that moment, when it blossomed in her like a wreath of flame, and without another thought, she let her mouth take her away. "Do you think it's been easy for me? Wandering around holding the hand of a person that I don't even love, knowing that I'm hurting the one person I actually care about by doing so, and knowing that I don't have the courage to do anything but continue hurting her, just because it's comfortable, it's natural, and I'm scared of the life that you could offer me, and I didn't think that you'd understand that." She rubbed her hands over her face, trying to wipe away her tears and the frustration with one swipe. "I didn't know how to tell you that I love you but I'm scared of the reaction I'd get from our classmates, of us being together, of me being anything but normal, because I'm already something they can make fun of behind my back, and being in love with you would just give them more reason to ridicule me for everything that I am. I didn't want to put myself through that, and I didn't want to put you through that, because I want to protect you with everything I am, Ginny, and I didn't know how else to do it but by hurting you." She stopped and gasped for breath, her sobs coming harsher and harder in her lungs. "I didn't want to walk down the halls and have people stare at me, wondering for how long I've been like this, wondering for how long you've been like this, judging us simply because they can, because that's all I've ever seen happen to people like us, and I didn't want to that to be the case at Hogwarts! You've never been to a Muggle school, you don't know how wrong it is to them out there, how unnatural and against what they are there, and if anything unnatural shows up in the Muggle world they try their hardest to squash it with words and actions and they don't care if they've known you all your life, they're still going to try break you."
"You thought I wouldn't understand? You thought that I wouldn't fucking understand?" Ginny's face turned the familiar shade of red Hermione had seen on the Weasley boys. "How fucking dare you ever think that I wouldn't understand? Do you think that I don't know? Do you honestly think that I'm not just as scared as you are? But unlike you, I'm willing to deal with their own misguided ignorance because I just want to be with you! I don't care if we get stared at; I'd be too busy gazing at you adoringly to notice, because that's what I've been doing for the past three years anyway, you've just been too blind to see me! All those nights stuck in bed with you and not being able to touch you or say anything out of fear of how you'd react, out of fear of my own feelings, and now we're standing here together and you're trying to tell me that I don't understand what it is to be afraid of who and what you are. And if that's what you really think, Hermione, then I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking in the first place thinking that you could be with me at all."
Hermione stared at her with wide, tear-blurred eyes and a gaping mouth, hands held up close to her face as if to fend off a physical blow. Her lips moved, but no sound came out. Broken sentences hung in the air between them like stars, suspended in the blackened sky of silence that was only interrupted by the slowly dying fire. "But - but I love you, Ginny," she finally managed to choke out, sobs racking her body and forcing her slowly to the floor in a broken doll heap. "I love you… You have no idea how sorry I am, how much I wish I could make everything okay… I love you… Please… Please, don't leave me… I don't know what I would do without you…" She rocked back and forth, hearing Ginny's last sentence ringing in her brain over and over again. Her tears were hot and slipping into her mouth, making her lips dry from the salt. "I don't deserve you at all, but please… Don't leave."
Then all of a sudden there was the wetness of tears falling into her hair and warm, shaking arms wrapped around her body. Hermione turned her head upwards and saw Ginny's face, her eyes wide and dark, and white skin streaked with red splotches and trails of salt, and they kissed gently, without even thinking about it. It didn't matter that they were sobbing, that their lips were dry with salt and that snot was pouring out of their noses, that they had just screamed at each other for nearly two hours. They kissed, and when they pulled away, they saw the love reflecting in each other's eyes and knew that no matter what it wouldn't ever die.
"I'm not going to leave you," Ginny reassured her in a broken whisper. "I love you too much. It just hurts…"
"I know," Hermione whispered, and gingerly curled her arms around Ginny's waist. "I'm so sorry."
"I know."
They stayed curled in the other's embrace, even when the fire burned out entirely, and did not return to their beds until the first light crept into the window at dawn.
She's touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now...