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Chapter eight: Too many questions...hardly any answers
I sat down hard in the rocking chair by the door. My eyes never left the dark and would have been beautiful face of my daughter. She obviously wasn't well taken care of. She was plain out dirty. But why was she here, at my aunt's house? Why not at my mother's? The answer; however, was a smiple one. This child looked very much like me, with a bit of Emilio thrown in here and there. Plus, she was...to put it no other way, retarted. Mentally ill, or something. From my small knowledge about these matters(I had spent a year in an institution before Emilio broke me out) she was autistic.
I looked around the room, for some sort of clues...anything, and saw a small placard on the wall above the crib. It read: "Sleep tight, little India, and dream wonderful dreams." Was that my girls name? India? It was a beautiful name to be sure, but odd. Sparrow moved and for the first time really, I noticed him standing there.
"What do you suppose we do?" He asked, walking around the room, inspecting everything.
"I dunno." I whispered. India continued to fiddle with her dolly. "We should at least get her clean." I stood up and slowly walked to her, and kneeled down by her.
"India? Sweety? I am your mommy. Would you like to take a bath?" I knew that no kid at this age, mentally able or not, liked baths, but hopefully she would corroperate.
"Chrrrremmls." She sputtered, and a dribble of spit slowly made its way down her chin.
"India, do you know who I am?" I asked very slowly. Sparrow made an impatient noise behind me. India, mirraculosly looked up at me.
"India, I am your mommy." She blinked those big blue eyes that were too far apart. "India?" She made a weird hissing sound, and went back to her dolly. I made to pick her up, but she spit at me, getting smelly saliva in my eyes. I whiped it off and went to pick her up again. She struggled in my arms as I took her out of the nursery and down the hall to the bathroom.
"You could help, you know!" I called to Sparrow as India started screaming, kicking and flailing her arms. I finally managed (without Sparrow's help, of course) to get her undressed and in a bath. I gave strict orders to Sparrow to watch her like a hawk or I would persnoally kill him, while I went to find her some clean clothes. The nursery was very bland, with hardly any toys in it. Her crib was lined with quilts, despite the 365 days of heat in this godforsaken country. I opened the top dresser drawer and found childs' knickers along with stockings and other underthings a girl of her age would need. Not knowing how to dress a kid, I just grabbed the pair of knickers and stockings, then opened the other drawers. I managed to find a clean, unsoiled dress of red satin and velvet trim that didn't look too hot. I ran back to the bathroom to find Sparrow wrestling with India to keep her in the tub.
"Stop!" I cried out, rushing to her. "Your going to drown her!" India calmed down slightly at the sight of me, but still struggled to get out.
"Oh yes," Sparrow snarled. "You've been a mother for twenty minutes, and now you're an expert." I ignored him and finished bathing India. Washing her hair was no mean feat, but I managed to get every long lock clean and untangled. After shoving her into her clothes she finally looked decent.
"Now what?" Sparrow asked, almost as if he was out of breath. "You can't take her back on the ship." I furrowed my brow thinking hard.
"I could always stay here. The house would legally be mine now..." I thought aloud.
"Harldly. You know you cant stay in a place too long. And the maids will report you to the po-po. Its only a matter of time before they come barging in here and I will have to bail you out of the slammer." There was turth in his words, however hurtful they were. I looked down at India was was once again playing with her doll.
"You need to put her in a place where they can take care of her." Sparrow said gently. Now that I knew that my baby was alive, it had woken something up inside of me. I couldn't put her in a mental institution.
"No!" I shouted, and put my hands over India's ears, as if she could understand Sparrow's words. "I know what those places are like! They will torture her, and beat her, and do all kinds of cruel treatments that are supposed to help, but they don't!" Sparrow sighed and I felt a small tear trickling down my cheek.
"It's for the best. Why don't ya let me do it? It will be less painful. Go wait back on the ship, and I will take care of her. Remember, you can always visit her when you want. There are no bounderies as long as you have a ship and a good captain." I snorted at his ego, but after a painstaking minute, nodded my head in agreement. I bent down and gave India a small kiss on her cheek. She smiled and my heart just shattered. She let Sparrow pick her up and we exited the house after clearing anything of value. At the main road, we parted, Sparrow going into the English part of town, and me heading to the docks. I think I cried the whole way.
I spent the good part of the voyage back to England sulking away in my cabin. Dan had to take on the cooking again because I would hardly come out of my small cabin, even to get a bit of sunlight. I grew a little pale, but I couldn't dim too much, because my skin was naturally tan. I would lay on my cot and stare up at the wooden ceiling, thinking of my daughter and wondering if she was being tortured. I aslo let my mind wander and think about what she could have been, if she had the mental capacity to be a normal child. I grieved for the loss of my dear India, who should have had a regular chance at life. And once again, I felt justified for killing my mother. She did this to my innocent girl.
I guess it was some unspoken thing that I was to become part of the crew and sail around with them. I had nothing else to do. I had not thought past the death of my mother and I seemed almost at a loss with nothing to do, except be sad. Sparrow had told the crew abuot what happened in my aunts house and they left me alone for the most part, occasionaly shooting me pitying looks then looking away all together.
"Thats it!" Jack roared, slamming into my cabin one dreary fall day. The summer had started to wind down and a cool subtle fall took its place.
"Whats it?" I asked, still staring at the ceiling.
"You know! You have been sulking your ass of day in and day out. I know she is your child, but you never knew her! You told me you never saw her before. Now, you're going to tell me exactly what has gone on, or is going on, or so help me God...I...I will throw you in the ocean." I turned my head at looked over at him. He was breathing heavily as if really mad, and if making a point, he sat down in the one chair in my room. I slowly sat up, putting a hand to my aching head. My hat was off and my hair in one large tangle. I handn't bothered to brush it.
"Fine." I mumbled, and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I hadn't changed my clothes for a couple days either.
"It was a year and a half after I married Emilio. My parents thought it was wonderful at first that I married a man who was in our profession. But when I started to show defiance, fueled by Emilio, they became worried that I might report them, or something to that effect.
"They kidnapped me in the market in broad daylight and shipped me off to a mental institution. They told the doctors and nurses that I was mad and came up with stories about being married, and my parents were killers. It was a year before Emilio found me and busted me out. That year I was tortured, beaten, and repeatedly told that I was indeed, insane. When I was out I was at the time, happy to be...free, and it seemed as if my marraige to Emilio might just work. I found out I was pregnant with his child. I couldn't have been more happier, and he was excited as well.
"My parents found where we were hiding and in my eighth month, they caused me to miscarry. They said the baby died, and they took it away to bury it. I believed them, and went into mourning for my small innocent child. After that they decided to go holy on me and thought it best to ship me off with the convicts to Australia. Just before I was forced on the ship, I managed, with the help of Emilio, to kill my father. I got a severe beating on the ship for that. I escaped mirraculosly and went back to Emilio. Then, I parted from him and was on my way to finish the deed of killing the rest of my family when I met up with you.
"I was told that my baby was dead...and she is as good as dead. I guess she did live and they kept her." I finished, and my cheeks felt wet. I was crying again. Great...just great.
"Is that it?" Sparrow asked after a moment of silence. I nodded, and wiped away the tears on my face.
"Im sorry." He mumbled and hung his head ashamed.
"Dont worry about it." I said just as quietly. He looked up at me, and our eyes locked, and after everything, we finally understood each other.