Lost

Chapter Nine

The urge to stretch was the first feeling to come across him, a huge yawn passing his lips as he did so. Sitting up on the couch he found himself on, Elrond blinked confused as to how he got there.

He couldn't remember half of what happened last night, but he deduced that he must have fallen asleep at his desk and been moved to the couch by Erestor.

The last thing he remembered was beginning a list for Glorfindel on pain relievers, as he was sure that, now the foggy shocked state he had been in had now past, pain would present itself...quite sharply at that.

Elrond rubbed a hand over his face, trying to clear his mind a little. Another yawn escaped him and he let himself relax back into the couch. It felt good to be off his feet. He felt less...rushed lying down.

Almost immediately he felt his eyelids begin to droop and he realised that he was truly exhausted, regardless of the sleep he must have finally gotten the night before. Knowing that he should check on Glorfindel before doing anything, including sleep, he slowly stood and made his way to the door.

"Good morning, my Lord," came the voice of Erestor from his left side as he made his way into the corridor, intent on making the suddenly very long walk to the Healing Wing of the House. He was a little surprised when Erestor grabbed one of his arms and gently began leading him in the opposite direction as the one he wanted to go in.

"Erestor. Can you please explain why you are dragging me through the Halls?"

Erestor stopped and shifted slightly, but his grip didn't loosen from around his arm. "I'm sorry Lord Elrond, but Lady Celebrían and I both think you should spend the day resting."

"Be that as it may, I need to check on Glorfindel first," he stated, making his voice as demanding as he could. It didn't work.

"The other healers are there to help for the moment. I have been to see him and he was fine, if a little upset. He wouldn't tell me why though..."

Elrond almost growled. Of course Glorfindel wouldn't speak of what it was that bothered him. He never had done before, why should he start now? It was with a great deal of his fraying control that he gave in to his advisor's words and decided that sleep would be best. He didn't admit that it could possibly help ease his nerves and abominable mood.

"Alright Erestor. I will go to bed. I expect you to wake me if so much as one thing goes wrong though."

Erestor bowed slightly and Elrond noted that the small smile playing across his advisor's lips was one of triumph. "Of course, my Lord."

He began the walk to the rooms he and Celebrían shared, not in the least surprised that Erestor stayed by his side, one hand gently holding his arm ready to tighten at the smallest gesture of rebellion. It did not help his temper at all. Except perhaps to fuel it.

By the time they reached his rooms, he was smoldering with anger he refused to show in anything but his face. He schooled that into a look of boredom as Celebrían met him at the door. As he was passed from one to the other like an infant, he frowned heavily at his wife as she led him to bed.

Soon he forgot to be angry. As soon as his head touched the pillow, his body relaxed into sleep.

Glorfindel sighed loudly. Luinwen had gone with Elrohir to see to Elladan and had left him alone with an apprentice who must now only be at the start of his training in the ways of a healer. The boy was barely past his majority!

He was sure that the highlight of his day would be to fall asleep when night fell...if he was not lulled there by boredom first. "Please, let me sit up and have a book to read," he asked yet again, as the boy walked hurriedly about him.

"I was told to make sure you do not do anything strenuous with your back," was all the answer he got.

Mumbling under his breath something that he couldn't understand - he had heard the dwarfish phrase from Erestor, but never bothered to learn what it meant - he banged his head as hard as he could against the soft pillow it was laying on.

"I have sat up numerous times since I have been stuck in this bed. I will not strain anything, except perhaps my arms..." He would have proven the point if his arms weren't held down by the bed covers which had been tucked in so tightly, he could barely move a finger, let alone his arms.

The apprentice stopped to glare at him, and it was only then that the flicker of fear was seen in the young one's eyes. Glorfindel tried to calm himself down, to become less angry with breathing techniques usually employed during or before a battle, but it didn't work as well as he planned. "I am bored. Give me a book to read, or I will make you regret your choice to ever become a Healer."

The boy shook his head stubbornly, before turning about and exiting the room as another patient for him to coddle was brought in. Glorfindel used the time wisely, for he managed to free his arms from their prison of sheets and sat up. He frowned down at his legs, but the look turned curious when he noticed that his left leg began to slightly twitch.

His curiosity soon fled as his leg began to spasm, curling at the knee, only to kick out at the bed sheets. The involuntary movement scared him more than anything at that moment and he couldn't help but wonder if the rest of his body would soon follow. His other leg soon joined in, but the rest of him didn't.

"Healer!" He screamed out, hoping that Luinwen, or better yet Elrond, would soon come to his aide. Neither came to him. The boy, he had not yet caught the lad's name, took one peek into the room, saw what was wrong and fled back out again. He was hoping the boy would come back as pain began to make itself known.

In a few minutes the spasms stopped and his body relaxed, leaving him panting, yet strangely satisfied. If his legs could move involuntarily, then there must be a good chance that soon he should be able to move them himself. A small smile made its way onto his face, but soon disappeared. He didn't want the little hope he had left to be crushed.

Besides, he felt as though he had just been for one of his morning runs in the garden, his legs were feeling the slight twitching of muscle that usually came after a good jog.

With a slight shrug of his shoulders, he managed to twist about and prop up his pillows and laid back down, but at least now he wasn't flat on his back. A fierce sense of accomplishment raced through him as he was able to manage even that small feat. Yesterday when he had woken up, he could barely manage to sit up. Some of his missing strength must be returning.

He looked about the room he was in for the first time. It was almost like the rest of the healing wing but was a room for a single patient, its large windows letting in air and light aplenty. He found that to be rather comforting.

The view was one of the waterfalls. Letting his hearing override his other senses, closing his eyes to make everything that little bit louder, he let the sound of rushing water calm him.

He was jerked out of his reverie by the opening of the door. Opening his eyes, he noted that it was Erestor and raised an eyebrow. The chief advisor had already visited him once today.

"Are you alright? Elrond was called, but he is...indisposed at the moment. As I was with Celebrían at the time, I decided to see what was so urgent."

Glorfindel smiled, though he knew that it didn't reach his eyes. He didn't truly feel like smiling. "Please, Erestor, for the love of all that I hold dear, get me something to do! I am going mad with boredom."

He was expecting some kind of answer to what he had just said, but instead he got a few awkward moments of silence, before Erestor voiced a question about something completely different. "Glorfindel? How were you able to kick your sheets off? No wonder Dînthoron seemed in such a rush."

With another look down to his legs, he noticed that the sheets were now balled up at his ankles and twisted about them. An embarrassed look must have passed over his face. "I panicked for a minute, but nothing is wrong. I hope I didn't scare the lad overly much. My legs began to spasm."

He was only now feeling the slight pain of before return in his legs. As long as it stayed an ache and didn't turn into the crippling pain he had felt the night before, he didn't mind.

Shaking his head as if to clear it of last night's embarrassments, he noticed that his waist was now uncovered. Along with that, the piece of thick material wrapped around his thighs, groin and buttocks. Shame swept over him until he felt he would drown in the feeling. He tried to grab at the blankets to cover himself back up, but he was not yet able to move that far.

Erestor had been staring, but upon seeing him trying to hide this new shame, his friend untangled the sheets and covered up his legs and waist.

"I...I cannot control...I...Erestor, please tell no one of this." He begged his friend to silence with his eyes. It was the first time he had ever fallen as low to beg.

"I will tell Elrond, but no one else. He has been...unwell of late and we have decided that until such time as he is ready, the other Healers will look after you. So they, too, will know."

"What is wrong with Elrond?"

Erestor took in a deep breath of air and Glorfindel wished he could take back his question.

"Much like me, he has...cracked under the pressure of looking after you. It has left him in a foul mood and he...well, let us just say that it would be better for him to calm down and have a few days away from you."

Glorfindel shifted uncomfortably, sitting up straight again, leaning against the head board of the bed he was stuck in. "Was I truly that bad? I am sorry for making you all worry."

The only answer Erestor gave him was a slight shrug of one shoulder. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence the dark-haired Elf sighed loudly, went over to a bookshelf standing against one wall and picked out the most appropriate book he could find.

Glorfindel just watched from his position propped up on the bed. When Erestor came back over to him, clutching a book tightly, as if afraid of letting it go, Glorfindel became somewhat worried. When his friend began to unconsciously chew his bottom lip, he shifted, knowing Erestor was getting ready to tell him something he didn't want to hear.

"Here," was all the advisor said to him, relinquishing his hold on the book and giving it to him. Glorfindel looked down at it and frowned deeply.

"Why have you given me a book on depression, Erestor?"

The silence that followed his small question was so heavy, it felt as though he could choke on it. "Erestor, I have never been depressed in my life. The entirety of it. I have died. I have been deeply shocked to find myself whole and alive once again. I have grieved for all I lost, but not once did I sink into depression. Elrond once told me that my optimistic personality prevented that."

"Then why are you not acting like you normally do? Why are you so pessimistic and angry? I have been depressed and I know it when I see it. At first I thought I was wrong, but Elrond clarified my thoughts."

Glorfindel stared hard at Erestor, trying to keep his sudden anger over the situation hidden. "I am fine, Erestor. I cannot move my legs, but apart from that, I am fine."

"How do you feel Glorfindel? I can see anger in your eyes. Is the helplessness, the hopelessness, that is there hidden underneath all that? Has it proven too much for you to bear? Is that why you try and hide it? Elrond told me once that when a male is depressed he usually denies it because he doesn't feel sad. How can one feel anything but anger when you turn everything you are feeling into anger?"

Glorfindel huffed. There was no other word for the sound that passed his lips. "Leave me Erestor. I will read your little book, because I have nothing better to do." With a shaking hand, he opened the book to its first page and was shocked to see that it was basically a case study...of Erestor.

"I will not leave. You need someone here with you. Read. I am sure you have wanted to know how my mind works on several occasions. That is how it worked after the worst thing that had happened to me."

Glorfindel glanced at his friend for several minutes, before looking back down at the book. "Why did you have this book made?" he asked, once again turning his gaze to Erestor.

"I didn't want anyone else to try and work their way through alone like I was in the beginning."

Glorfindel stared hard at Erestor. Perhaps...perhaps he was... Biting his lip gently, he asked something that he was sure he would regret later. "Erestor? How does someone get rid of the anger?" He was talking about himself, knowing that the smallest thing could set him off like a volcano.

Erestor smiled at him, a bright smile that lit up his face. "How does one normally get rid of it?"

Glorfindel noted that it was he that would be saying that he was talking of his own anger. Erestor had just made sure that he couldn't be speaking of anyone else.

"I...usually do not feel angry. Some things happen though that do make me feel that way. Normally I go out and expend my energy by sparring, but seeing as I cannot do that right now...I feel it keenly, like a river that is swollen and about to burst its banks. It is always inside and I don't know how to rid myself of it!"

He knew he was raising his voice by the end of his say, but Erestor's smile just deepened. "Do what you feel. Let the banks burst. Yell, scream, hit something," Erestor laughed slightly at that, though his eyes were shining with unshed tears. "Hit me! Let the anger out and then you will feel again what you have to truly deal with. Anger is not the real feeling here. You are turning everything into it."

Glorfindel shook his head slightly and turned to stare at the open book on his lap. He didn't want to feel like that. He didn't want to go through the things that made him cry himself to sleep. He didn't want to hurt anyone again like he had Elladan. He couldn't follow what Erestor was saying, he was too...

"I know it is a scary thought, Glorfindel, but you will have to eventually let go of the anger, or you will...explode, for a lack of a better word, and someone will get hurt."

"Someone already has been hurt, Erestor. It was Elladan and Elrohir that...woke me. I threw Elladan off the bed and broke his wrist. Elrond was furious..." His voice had raised a few octaves and he could hear the slight shake of the words.

"That was an accident Glorfindel, just as the tree falling on you was an accident. You didn't know what was happening and undoubtedly you were confused."

Glorfindel breathed deeply through his nose. He didn't think it wise to open his mouth with the words that were on his lips. Was Erestor purposefully doing this to him? Well, he wouldn't give in!

Erestor took a seat at his side and grabbed at his hand. "It is horrible to think of you stuck like this forever Glorfindel. I remember days when I couldn't get out of bed because I felt that badly, but you are stuck in yours. Even if you wanted to get up and move about, you cannot."

Whatever force of will Glorfindel had been using to hold back his rage splintered and fell at that and before he could stop himself, he let fly his free hand and punched Erestor in the stomach.

Except what he punched was Erestor's side. The force barely enough to phase the dark Elf. He had been using his full strength too! With a growl that more resembled something that would come from a Warg's mouth, he lunged himself at the other Elf.

Erestor laughed, which did nothing but spur him on. He didn't see the few tears that leaked from dark eyes, barely felt a pair of arms wrapping about his own, pulling him closer. All he knew was that his fury was not even making a dent on Erestor!

One of those arms' grip loosened and he managed to pull back and aim a full swing at the unprotected belly and felt his fist connect with flesh. A grunt of pain was heard and satisfaction swept through him.

His arm was once again gripped hard and he struggled to get out, his arms trying now not to hurt, but to escape! He was suffocating in this grip, unable to breathe! Why wouldn't Erestor let go?

Let go.

His anger slipped away then, just seemed to vanish. The feeling of choking did not. His throat was too tight, and he did the one thing he could think of. He opened his mouth to breathe better.

It didn't work! He couldn't breathe! He was drowning, drowning. The tight grip on his arms loosened and wrapped around him, almost trying to protect him. His breathing was ragged against the neck of his best friend, but he couldn't catch his breath.

He was gently being rocked, a motion that seemed to jar what was stuck in his throat that little bit. It was so slight that he thought it would make littlle difference, but it did.

He had been feeling numb with the absence of the ever present anger, but now he was lost in a torrent of emotions that he had never felt so keenly before. "Erestor, what do I do!" he managed to squeeze out of his throat which was still too tight.

"Whatever you feel like."

Feel like. His arms wrapped themselves tightly about Erestor and he held on as if for life. He was afraid that if his grip lessened he would be swept away. The tightness in his throat began to thicken again and he tried to cough it away.

The cough came out a strangled sob which was soon followed by another. That didn't help too well either. He couldn't even cry, his throat was that closed.

"Can't breathe!" he gasped out, knowing now that it was true. He was suffocating on feelings, emotions so strong that he could do nothing to get rid of them.

"You are in a panic, Glorfindel. Listen to me, hear my voice. Feel my hands."

Glorfindel did as he was told, listening as Erestor tried to keep him anchored to the ground. He could feel Erestor's hands rubbing circles across his back. None of it worked.

That was, until Erestor hit his back, between his shoulder blades hard enough to make him cough. This was repeated again and again until finally it felt as if he coughed out the hardness in his throat.

He breathed in heavily, taking huge gasps of air into his hungry lungs. Another lump formed in his throat, but this was something he was getting too used to feeling. Again a sob made its way out of his mouth, but he wasn't ashamed of the thought of crying. It was what he wanted to do, what his body wanted to do.

There was only one other time he had given in to loud sobs and that had been shortly after he had found out that he was paralysed. But even that paled in comparison to this time.

Last time, he had cried like this out of a deep sense of sadness, but now he felt more. What Erestor had tried to explain to him and he had so rudely stated he did not feel...he had lied. Oh, he felt it now as much as he could feel the gentle rocking of his body in Erestor's arms.

It took a long five minutes before tears came to his eyes and when they did, his sobs changed from the pained things they had been, ripping their way out of his mouth, almost as if they were ripping his very soul, into relieved sounds.

While before it had hurt like nothing he had experienced, it now felt good, like a release his body had craved for a long time. And perhaps it had.

He had no idea how long he sat there in tears for. All he knew was that it was a relief to finally let this all out! He not only cried for his legs and what had happened to him, but for hurting Erestor and Elladan, for making people worry about him...he even found himself crying slightly in grief for all he had lost, though most of that had already been dealt with.

The sun was beginning to set by the time he let go of Erestor and he slightly chuckled.

Erestor smiled that bright smile that so few ever get to see and clapped him on the shoulder, a move he didn't think he would ever see from the advisor. "How do you feel now?"

Glorfindel smiled, but this time he meant it. "Better. Lighter."

Erestor's smile softened, but was brighter if that was possible and a few tears rolled their lone way down his cheeks. "I am glad to hear that."

As if being reminded of something, Erestor wiped away the tears on his own face, let out an embarrassed chuckle, before handing him a handkerchief. "Here. You need this."

Glorfindel felt his expression turn sheepish. He did need it. His face was covered in tears and he noticed that his nose had started to run. He snatched away the material and dealt with the mess his face was in. He felt even better now that his face was cleaned up.

By the time he had finished, the bell for dinner rang and Glorfindel's stomach stated quite loudly that it liked the thought of food. He chuckled again when the sound was repeated by Erestor.

"I missed lunch. We both did." Erestor replied, before getting up and making his way towards the door.

"Erestor? Come back...and bring food with you. I am suddenly starving."

He watched as Erestor smiled brightly again, nodded and disappeared. Glorfindel looked down at his lap where Erestor's book was. The pages were now all scrunched up and wrecked.

Glorfindel felt the happiness inside him melt down to almost nothing at the sight, but brightened when an interesting thought came to his mind. For the next few days, he would not be bored.

A/N - I know I usually have three parts in each chapter, but I just had to leave this chapter at this happy end. I must say that this is a rewrite of this chapter. The first part was all wrong to start off with and the second part was completely different up to Erestor seeing Glorfindel's legs uncovered.

I kept that small part at the beginning of Glorfindel's bit, but the rest was written in one huge writing session in one day. This idea sprang into my mind and demanded to be written. And I love it to pieces! Whether or not anyone else does is entirely inconsequential. I love this chapter, and I hope you all do too!

I was wondering if anyone would be interested in making fan-art for this story. Some of the scenes I would really like to see drawn, but unfortunately, I do not have the ability to do it justice...or anything other than stick figures, lol. And that just would not be right.

Ah well, thank you all who reviewed the last chapter.

katguest2000 - I am glad that you love it. Here, another update for you to read.

Barbara Kennedy - Thanks for thinking that I am doing a super job with it. At the moment I am just trying to get Glorfindel to get past some of what he is feeling. I hope you catch up with your reading soon, if you haven't already. I love your new story with MCross by the way, though I don't think I reviewed the latest chapter...will have to rememdy that soon.

Just Me :oD - Hmm, what was it with those Men being attacked by the Orcs? You will find a little more about them the next chapter. You will soon see what that has to do with Rivendell and the Elves, hehe. I will try and get the next chapter out sooner than this one, but I have been sick lately and unable to think, let alone write. An update of 2 lines would make you happy...hmm, I wonder if that is really true >:D.

emma - It is always good to get an update up, lol. Thanks for the review.

Golden Elf - Yes, just what I was aiming for, to show that even Healers can make mistakes. Lol, she thinks she can handle Glorfindel. Whether or not she can has not yet been determined. I am planning a lot for those poor Men that are making their way to Rivendell. Nice quote. I will have to remember that some time. I think he will fear his attempt to heal too. I will definitely keep that in mind. In fact, I already have the beginning of a story in mind. Sort fo the prequel to this...the obligatory Glorfindel-comes-back-to-Middle-earth story. I have almost written the first chapter of it and that title might go quite well with it. Thank you for still loving the story.

Ithiliel Silverquill - And strong friendship is all it will be. I have always felt that I was closer in mind to Glorfindel...except as far as I know, I haven't died...if it IS the same Glorfindel, which I do believe it is. But I too love to try and work out characters by delving into their minds a bit and seeing what makes them tick. The most difficult character to do this with that I know of and have tried is Jarlaxle over in the Forgotten Realms category, but in this one, it is Cirdan. And I still haven't figured out how to get those characters above the name if I am not in my pocket PC...

Yeah i would be. LOL, I was sitting on a fence the other day and looked down and I thought, given my luck I will fall and break my back if I stay here much longer...I moved. Glasses work for a little while on me, but then I need stronger glasses...it is bloody expensive as I have been told, especially since I need sunglasses done too, as my eyes are sensitive to light.

Sounds like quite a story, and I can understand where all the gaping holes would come from in that plot. I could never get around to wriitng or even thinking of writing a story with Elves in the modern day world...I can't see it working. But I also like looking things up for new ideas or information I could come up with for new stories. I am doing a pamphlet at the moment to send around to all the schools in the local area, and making a short film and webpage with it, about drugs, partying safe and alcohol. My topic to study is date rape...be warned what I come up with for my next story! Though obviously that wouldn't involve an Elf for a main character. Unless it isn't in this faction...hmmm?

I am glad I am not the only one that sees Celebrian as some simpering cowardly girl who has none of her parents' genes. Of course she would be a strong character!

Actually the other cringe-worthy chapter was four not five, but yes it was. I kind of forgot that warning huh? Ah well, I guess i am getting used to writing disgusting scenes such as that. Well, if I ever do go out, write an original novel and get it published, at least I have some experience in squick! Although the book idea that is in my head, would not need it.

I am glad you like the name Johan. The Men will try to help balance out what is happening, but whether or not they succeed or not is another thing entirely. As to Luinwen, well she is a Healer and I suppose they all would have to have a backbone. I am sure that given time even Dinthoron (I used that name mainly because I love it so much! And again with the characters...) will grow one, but he is young and rather inexperienced yet.