Saleairy spent an afternoon sitting on the bed, leaning into Carth, speaking to Dustil. Carth fell asleep and they spoke in whispers.
"He's asleep, we can talk. I saw your lightsaber." Saleairy smiled.
"Yeah, I just, couldn't make what I'd done feel right until I took steps to becoming someone who could really make a difference." Dustil said. His eyes had the same haunted expression as he shook his head as when she met him on Korriban. Her heart went out to him and she reached for his hand. She pressed several crystals into his palm and smiled.
"That's a very adult decision Dustil, most adults wouldn't have made the right choice." Saleairy said.
"It won't matter unless I can go and help people. It's so strange how such evil motivates people. I saw you as the Sith Lord, you conquered the Jedi rules and tossed aside everything for the pursuit of power. And you were eventually overthrown, not by power but by deceit and betrayal. And then you're allowed to live as a completely different person with no memories, just an incredible guilt. You made up for every life you took and you don't even remember inflicting pain. I do remember the pain I caused." He looked to Carth as Carth shifted in his sleep. "I remember that expression he had when I told him to leave. I told him I wished he was dead." Dustil's face broke into the sorrow Saleairy felt deep within him.
"It's going to get better Dustil." Dustil looked at Saleairy.
"I can believe you. You probably caused him a lot of pain too." His words were that of Jedi, not painful or condemning. She nodded and stroked the hair in Carth's forehead.
"I felt the same as you when I found out about Revan. And a worse expression went through his face because he had no ties to me. You are his son, you can never change that but I was just, there. He thought he'd lose me." Saleairy trembled and Dustil looked at the crystals in his hand.
"You helped him tell me, at Korriban. He couldn't have done it without you. He wouldn't have been strong enough to come back and face me. Thank you. These are rare. I shouldn't take them. You'll need them." Dustil said, hand extended with the crystals.
"No, you are too young to take chances with a weak lightsaber." Saleairy closed his fingers over them.
"Saleairy-"
"Don't you 'Saleairy' me. I'll tell him right now if you don't take those and protect everything you hold dear." She smiled and he blinked. "And don't let that look of hopelessness show in your eyes. It's heart breaking when you're so young." She touched his face.
"Thank you. These will probably save my life."Dustil said.
"Your lightsaber and good friends will save your life, those will just spare you some effort. Are you going to talk with the Council members while they're here?"
"Yes. I don't know what they'll say. There is no Jedi Master that would dare take Carth Onasi's ex Sith boy. I don't even know why I have a lightsaber. I don't deserve it."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, that's what the Jedi are there for. You need to be confident in the fact that you are meant to be doing what you're doing because there are too many people willing to question it for you." She peered at him and saw a faint shadow of a smile. Carth's smile and his wife's eyes. She sighed. She wished she'd been there sooner for Dustil. The Sith still lingered, telling him in their hissing, acerbic voices that he was a failure.
"I don't know how you are such an amazing person." Dustil said.
"I'm not amazing, I'm just empathetic. I had a lot of good people around me and I listened. Even Carth has a heart." Saleairy said.
"You influenced them to be better than they naturally are though. They followed you when you offered to make them better people." Dustil said.
"People say Revan was a leader. She led people without considering where she was going and who would pay the price. I lead people where they really want to follow. Dustil, how are you going to tell him?" Saleairy asked.
"I don't know. It feels bad to be here, like he's really got his family back, and then tell him he might not have me much longer." Dustil said.
"The Jedi aren't going to put you in danger Dustil, no matter who becomes your Master. They've lost so much they won't let more die needlessly." Saleairy said.
"What about you? Where will they send you once you're done telling the galaxy your story?" Dustil asked.
"I suppose I'll go off and make a new one to tell. Probably alone." She touched Carth's stubble ridden cheek. "I will come back. I promise that much. I will not fight to keep everything just to lose it." Saleairy said.
"The true fight of a Jedi." Dustil said.
"What?" Saleairy said.
"There is no emotion. No love. But why else would you fight? You fight so you don't lose everything you love just to come back and be denied what you fought for?" Saleairy blinked and covered her face.
"Love is one thing, and being completely and utterly dependant on someone is another. I used to love Carth. I love him still but it's past that. I can't stand the thought of living without him. Or you. You are very much like your father Dustil. Everything I fell in love with in your father is in you. You went through so much so soon your path changed. I would never have seen Carth's child as a Jedi until I saw you at Korriban."
"Korriban? I was pathetic." Dustil said.
"Trials change you. You went through a lot there, didn't you?" She remembered reading Uthar's diary. It seemed so strange that his innermost thoughts written in a datapad would seem so impersonal. He killed a young woman in the prime of her life and he believed he'd done a good thing for the boy that loved her. Now that boy was a man.
"Yes." Dustil said.
"It changed you but not in the way you think. You're stronger because you're letting all the pain go but you're not forgetting about it. I saw you and I could've laughed." Saleairy said.
"Why?" Dustil asked.
"I looked at you and what the Sith do to their followers and they went wrong with you. They try to bring pain, anger anything that is considered dark and bad from within people. You were angry long before you got to the academy but you were also strong. They don't like strong followers. Strong people realize the strength doesn't come from the darkness that festers in those places. You knew whatever strength you had was yours, not the Sith's. They just gave you a way to express strength. The Jedi can too."
"I, never heard any Jedi sound like a real person before." Dustil said.
"I was a real person before I was a Jedi and before everything else I am well aware of darkness and what it takes to redeem yourself. You don't have much to redeem Dustil. Just because you were angry doesn't mean you killed people."
"Thank you." Dustil took her hand and kissed it.
"You knew what I just told you Dustil, you just didn't know how to vocalize it." She kissed his forehead and held him. "I really am proud of you. I know what it felt like in that place. You aren't wrong to feel badly about it."
"Where do your maternal instincts come from? That is no Jedi holding me and telling me everything is going to be all right." Dustil said, choking on tears. Saleairy smiled. That comment was so Carth like she could've sworn he was awake and speaking.
"Jedi are supposed to be empathetic but not many know what you went through. Besides, I'm a Jedi and a part of your family. I don't know what part I am, but I'm here." Saleairy said. Dustil brushed his tears away and smiled.
"We should tell him." Dustil said.
"Yeah, but how?" Their eyes met and identical, mischievous grins spread on their faces. They'd find a way to tell Carth.
Saleairy helped Dustil put the new crystals in and his lightsaber beam was a stunning blue. She smiled at him. A Jedi Guardian. A defender of innocence. A solder of light. Carth would approve no matter how they broke the news.