The Blackest Nights
Delilah is an antisocial writer who has major problems finding inspiration in the everyday world. But her problems turn into unadulterated insanity when Sirius Black, her greatest annoyance, decides to steal her heart. How will this irate artist deal with the conflict of choosing Black or eternal writers block? Read on my friends. Read on.
This fic is in a slightly different format than most. This in play format (almost)
Italics, is the action, like: I walked down the hall.
(Parenthasis, well, that's just me pretending to be a playwrite. The text inside these will be self explanitory.)
"Quotes-no explanation needed."
Delilah Cambridge. Thought bubble 1.
My quill taps impatiently on the page, as I wait for another epiphany. I look up to see if anyone has come to join me on the inspirationless ride up to Hogwarts, but I find myself completely alone. Mentally I whack myself with a two by four for being so antisocial. I can't believe I ever expected to write about life by simply observing it. To write about humans, one must first be human, which might be why those nature writers frighten me so much. Stop writing about squirrels you morons. You're not a squirrel, besides the squirrel doesn't even love you, it loves your nuts!
Hmm. . . remind me to delete that last sentence. I reach into my mind and pull out a mental memo pad.
Note to self: have the editor remove that last sentence. Quietly, I replace the memo pad backinto the deepest corner of my mind.
What I need is some good old fashioned models. Somechick holding a Guchi purse apears before me.Character models, not fashion models!
"Well I don't see the diffence. I'm a character. And I have a speaking role. That's better than nothing," the Guchi girl replies.
"Yes, but models don't have brains and thus don't count."
"How come, I'm higher up on the credits than you are. And you're the lead."
"No you're not."
"Just look." She hands me over a copy of the theatrical credits.
"Oh my God you're right! Which is even more reason for you to leave." Guchi girl quivers her lower lip then disappears.
(Exit stage left- Guchi girl)
Someone! Show me the canvas which I must paint.
(Enter stage left- One tall dark conceited ass who will be unmasked at a later time.)
I look back down at my page. Blankly I stare at the ink splattered every inch or so, then at my dripping quill. "And another foot bites the dust. . ." I crumple the parchment and toss it to the side. (hitting the figure which will be unmasked at a later time in the head) 'breath in, breath out.' I attempt to cool my temper. Mission Failed. Mission Abort. Mission self destruct sequence has been activated. Self destruct will comence in five. . . four. . . three. . .two. . .one. . .
"DAMN IT!"
"Tsk. Tsk. There's no need to swear, Love." My head shoots up to meet my intruder's gaze. My mind begins to characterize him immediately.
Tall. Conceited. Slimy. Play boy. Yup, it's him.
"Jack off Black," I murmur in his general direction. He flashes me an air of hurt. What a pansy. Suck it up boy!
"Now Delilah. . ." he muses.
"Die." I correct with harsh venom.
"Was that an order?" He asks coyly. My aren't we the conceited ass who thinks he's incredibly clever.
"It's my name, Jerk."
Sirius just looks at me with disapproval. Good, dislike me all you want. See if I even blink.
"Now, now, be civil." Why that patronizing. . . (event occurs here that I will now document through a thought bubble.) Wait a second, he just took the seat across from me. Black is so daring me to kill him.
An execution says you. With pleasure. . . says I.
I rise quickly and grab his sleeve.
"Aw Die, what'd I ever do to you?"
"Nothing. Cept be a pompous, conceited, prat loving, narcissist." I recite on my fingers, while begining to pull him out of my train compartment.
"What's wrong with me loving myself?" I push him out into the hall. "There's a lot to love!" I merely groan and shut the door.
What's wrong with that dude? Oh well, this locking charm better shut 'im up. I lock the door behind me and start some breathing techniques. Calm down. The loser is not outside your door. You do not feel sorry for him, and he does totally deserve standing out in the hall for the entire train ride. He is not there. You are alone. The jerk is gone. . . You are alone.
I keep repeating this to myself for about five minutes straight. And for a short time the train ride it good. That is until he ruins everything all over again.
(Far off banging noises come from outside the compartment. None of which are my fault.)
"DIE! Let me back in! I know you're going through mood swings but this is ridiculous! You can't just leave the father of your baby out in the hall like this!"
I can't believe this! MY BABY? God, what a jerk. I open the door of the compartment.
"I dare you to come back in here andrepeat that to my face!" I scream out into the hall. I can see several studunts peeking out from their cabins to get a piece of the action, which causes me to wonder. How boring must your life be if you go around snooping in everyone elses?
(Enter stage left- Sirius Soot, James Pothead, and Remus Loopy. Who got in by pushing their way past me. The gits. The scallywags. I'll have you walking the plank for this.)
"See James, I told you she'd let us in." James glanced at his friend in happy disbelief. "These things just take a bit of convincing." I very outwardly groan at them all.They all glare back at me. Yup, to the planks with ye!
"You sure convinced me. I think me and Moony should give you an award." I cringe and mentally correct his grammar. 'Moony and I. It's Moony and I. Not me and Moony.' Wait. An award? A title. . . THINK. . .THINK. . .THINK.
"How about the Cunt of honor, first class?" I ask triumphantly.
"I like it." Black looks at the speaker with his face in a rut. The speaker turns towards him lovingly."However, your convincing is a spite ineffective mate." Remus begins again. "The lass bloody hates you now. And that's if you're lucky."
"Aw, Moony. The lass already bloody hated me." Sirius leans closer to me. "Isn't that right lass?" I lean in towards him as well.
"Jack off." Sirius leans back towards his friends, who are all now sitting on the bench just opposite mine.
"See what I mean?" He grunts as I kick his shin.
"Padfoot, you've got some way with women. Why, they just act like puppies around you!" James comments sarcastically. What's a Padfoot? I must stop to ponder about this. . . DONE!
"Yes like ravenous little wolf puppies," he groans as I kick him again.
"So, Die," Remus begins, "what's up with all the loner stuff? Don't you have a best mate?" I just shoot Remus a look that says only one thing. 'You bloody well figure it out, cause it's damn obvious.'
"O. . .kay. . ." deffends Remus, attempting to change the subject. "Sorry I asked." Yeah, you better be sorry! MWHAHAHAHA! That's right, run away in fear little girly boy. (that was ironic) Goodness. I'm actually really tired. Maybe I should sleep.
I lean across the bench, propping my legs up on the seat. Before I close my eyes I give the three boys one last glare. "You pranksters better not do anything to me while I'm asleep." I threaten. They all nod solemnly as I close my eyes. Slowly consciousness creeps away from me and I am left with nothing but dreams.
-------
I awake to find myself cradled in someones arms like an over sized baby. Whoever it is, my arms are wrapped firmly around their neck. My head is resting in the crevice just under their chin. Slowly my eyes peel apart to reveal the face of a very unconscious Sirius Black. How the hell? I look over at the other bench to see James and Remus very much awake. Their eyes are gleaming like Dumbledor's does every time he's manipulating your destiny. I hate that damn twinkle. It's always there, always laughing at me. And don't even get me started on his fetish with lemon drops.
"Okay spill Bright-eyes. What happened, and why didn't you do anything about it?"
"Well. . ." I bore my eyes into Remus's. He glances over at James. They begin to mouth back and forth for a moment, deciding whether to tell me the truth. "We all got tired about two hours ago, and really wanted to sleep, but three mates can't sleep on one bench, so one had to sleep with you. Well, we drew straws and Sirius had to go. '"Got kicked off the island you see", James butted in.' So he went over to you put your feet on his lap and we all fell asleep. That's it!" Does that convince all the teachers? Cause it doesn't fool me.
"You know, when you lie, you're not supposed to smile." Remus begins to blush. "Tell on, me boys, tell on." I wave at them in a commanding way. James decides it's his turn to speak.
"Well, we heard someone moaning so we thought you might have woken up and been trying to kill our best mate. But we couldn't have that, so that's when we woke up."
"And. . ." I press.
Jamestakes a deepbreath then begins."And youwereineachothersarmsandhewaskissingyournecksoyouweretheonemoaning."
"Could you repeat that only slower?"
"No," both burst in unison.
"Repeat that only slower Pothead!"
"That only slower."
"Loony, you know me, right? Should Pothead really be pissing me off right now." Lupin begins to nod but I reach out from the confines of Black's arms and grasp his throat. "Slower, Potter."
"You were in each others arms and he was kissing your neck, you were the one moaning."
"What!" I screech into Sirius's ear, letting go of Remus.
"Hey, can we call you Myrtle?" James asks me innocently. Moaning Myrtle. . .Haha. . .not funny. I only screech again."Now, now, that's no way to treat the father of your hickey." I can feel the blood drain from my skull as I leap from Black's arms.
"My WHAT?"
"Don't worry Die, we aborted it for you." James points at the side of my neck.
"Oh yeah, like I can actually look at my neck like that." James sighs and pulls a mirror from inside Sirius's carry on. He would have a mirror.What a pansy. I grab the mirror and gaze at my neck. He's right, the hickey is completely gone. It almost makes me wonder if he made up the whole story for a prank. What a git. Well in any case, I begin to whack Sirius upside the head.
"I think she's taking the news rather well," Remus comments lightly.
"What news?" The half conscious Sirius asks in between groans of pain.
"Padfoot, you really did it this time." James smirks. Black just looks at him in ignorance. As if it will save you.
"Did what?"
"You gave the lass a hickey."
"Really?" He looks at me. "For a girl who's just got a hickey, you sure seem unusually irate." I whack him again.
"No," replies Lupin, "that's just Die." This time I aim for him, but he has enough sense to duck.
"Die, I think this might be a little late to be asking this, but, would you be interested in going out for some butter beers this weekend?"
"Jerk," I spit at Sirius.
"Slytherin," they all hiss back. So what? It's the stupid hat's fault not mine.
I wonder who came up that stupid hat anyway, probably the same jerk who thought up Hogwarts.
"Jack off."
(The set rumbles and the conductor calls that they have now reached the station.)
"Gladly," says the newly rejected Sirius as he and the others leave the compartment. I really hate those guys.
(Exit stage left- Remus, James, and Sirius.)
I really, really hate those guys.
(Exit stage left- Die.)
I read the final draft of this Fanfic. . . Wait a second. THE EDITOR DIDN'T BLOODY DELETE THAT SENTENCE. I casually crack my knuckles. There will bloodshed tonight! Some unknown personification of the author appears before me.
"Hi!" She says.
"Go to hell and get out of my thought bubble!" says I.
"Um, about that killing the editor thing, you're the editor." Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
The author disappears into a puff of falling letters. (letters"Q-T" hit me in the head.)
What a jerk.
A/N: Woah, what a girl. What a girl. She's psycho. That's what I love about her. I intend to update this one every sat or sun. Hope my intentions are fufilled. Please review as well, thanks.