A/N: Since I was a bit exhausted by the deep, profound emotional analysis of the last few chapters, I've poked a bit of fun at myself in this one. Those who've read my other works should catch it! Also, ichargrl, you'll find a tribute to one of your reviews, in honor of my beloved home state.

One more thing… honestly, I have no idea if the initial conversation in this chapter has any basis in fact – it's something I've read, but not from any official US Military source. So, I apologize if I'm propagating a myth in this section, but it was so much fun to have Sam and Jack discuss it, I went ahead, even if it has little basis in fact. In any event, it is plausible.

With that in mind… Enjoy!

Chapter 12

"Carter?"

Steam rose from the rippled surface of the small pool. Five days had passed since the initial explosion of "Mount Doom" and Sam had decided that the volcanic hot spring was unlikely to experience any major shifts in temperature, making it safe to bathe in. "Yes, Jack?" She leaned back against his bare chest; relaxed in ways she hadn't thought she was capable of.

Wrapping his arms around her naked form, he smiled into her hair. The last week had passed in a sensual fog for both of them. With little to do besides watch the seismographs and wait, the couple had filled their time with more earthy pursuits. Jack couldn't remember a time when he'd been so completely captivated with another person. It was no secret that his second-in-command was a brilliant scientist, but beyond that, she was a thoroughly fascinating human being. Even at times like this, when they were physically spent and mentally exhausted, they were able to communicate on a purely emotional level. Not necessarily about deep and profound topics, but about the simplest things. It was as if they understood each other in their souls. "I was just thinking about something," he said absently.

"Well," Sam teased, "it had to happen eventually."

He gently pinched the tender skin below her ribs in response, making her jump. "Very funny," he muttered dryly.

Giggling, Sam raised a hand in truce. "Okay, I'm sorry!" Then, once again capturing her calm, relaxed mood, she sank back against him. "What, exactly, were you thinking about?" She glanced over her shoulder and was somewhat surprised by the contemplative look on his face.

Jack gazed out over the pool, his features dimly illuminated by the fading daylight. "Where on earth did Daniel find such an enormous box of condoms on such short notice?"

Sam burst into loud, surprised peals of laughter. Seeing his insulted look, she shook her head in apology. "I'm sorry, Jack,'" she gasped between bouts of amusement. "I was just expecting something more… profound."

Still looking a bit slighted, he shrugged. "C'mon, Sam. Think about it. He discovered our 'hot spot' with the morning's UAV surveillance, and he sent the condoms within the hour. No way he ran out to the drug store in that brief a period of time. Besides," he said wonderingly, "I don't think the drug store sells boxes that big. These look like they were bought wholesale."

Unable to stop herself, she once again began laughing at his observations, completely delighted by his unique outlook. After a moment, she reigned in her amusement. "He probably swiped them from a storage locker," she speculated.

Jack's eyes grew wide at that pronouncement. "The military keeps enormous boxes of condoms in storage lockers?" He seemed truly shocked by this. "Why?"

Sam rolled her eyes. "Jack, you were in special ops. You know why."

Pausing, he thought for a moment. Then, realization dawned. "Muzzle protection. In dusty or sandy climates, condoms are still the cheapest, most effective way of keeping debris from getting into rifles." He looked at Carter in amazement. "Wow. All this time, we've been working a few hundred feet from the world's largest stockpile of condoms and we never even knew it. Amazing."

Chuckling, Sam shook her head. "We've also been working a few hundred feet from the greatest technological marvel that our world has ever encountered."

"Yeah," he waved a hand dismissively, "but I get to use that all the time. This is the first time I've ever used military-issued condoms on a regular basis."

Sam grinned. "Just think, you're not only breaking every fraternization regulation in the UCMJ while collecting a check from the federal government in a highly-specialized possible-combat situation, but you're stealing government property to carry out your illicit deeds."

Jack looked impressed. "That's gotta be some kind of record," he speculated.

Laughing, Sam shook her head. "Yeah, a criminal record. Or at least the basis for one."

He winced. "Okay, I'd rather not think about that. And, with any luck, I won't have to."

Sam closed her eyes and let her head come to rest against his chest. "Amen to that. I have no idea how we'd explain this to the Joint Chiefs."

Jack grew thoughtful again. "I wonder if lust is considered a good legal basis for an insanity defense."

Sam chuckled. "Hormonal overload? I sincerely doubt it." Then she paused, recalling a thought she'd had earlier in the week. "Maybe we could claim we were overcome by some alien chemical compound – something that drove us wild with passion, sorta like that virus we picked up on P3X797."

He snorted. "Yeah, I'm sure they'd go for that. Gee, General Hammond, I know everyone thinks Major Carter and I have this wild attraction to each other, but really, the only reason we slept together is because we were drugged by alien herbs." Jack rolled his eyes at the thought of that hypothetical explanation. "Something tells me they wouldn't go for it."

"You're probably right," Sam said lightly, smiling at the dry humor in his voice. "I wonder if they'd try to incarcerate us, or just make us retire."

Jack looked off into the distance again, pondering that question. "Ordinarily, I'd say they'd try to lock us up. But we have saved the world a few times. That's gotta count for something."

She laughed. "You would think so, wouldn't you?" Rubbing her cheek against his warm, slick chest, Sam released a contented sigh. "So what would you do if you were forced to retire?" She closed her eyes and thought a moment. "I think I'd go crazy if I couldn't work."

Jack gazed down at her peaceful face and smiled. "Don't worry, Carter. If they make you retire, I'm sure I could find ways to keep you busy." When her eyes opened and met his, he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, causing her to erupt in happy giggles.

"I'm sure you would," she murmured softly.

Smiling, Jack returned to her earlier question. "As for me, I think I'd probably move up to my cabin and fish." His eyes grew wistful. "Nothing like those crystal clear lakes of Minnesota to soothe your spirit," he said softly.

Sam shifted her position so she was half facing him. "I've been wondering about that, actually."

He raised his eyebrows. "About what, exactly?"

Reaching up to caress his jaw, she gazed attentively at his ruggedly handsome face. "Why Minnesota? Why not Wisconsin or Michigan? Or Canada, for that matter?"

Jack seemed to consider that for a moment. "Well, I suppose because I was raised there. And, not that it isn't a nice place, I'd never live in Canada. Spent too much damn time defending this country to ever live someplace else." Sam smiled at the truth in those words. She knew all too well the sacrifices he'd made for his land. "Still," he continued, apparently unaware of her close scrutiny. "Wisconsin is nice. They've got two of the great lakes to fish," he said reverently.

She chuckled. "Interesting," she said quietly, still examining his strong features. "I was always curious about your Minnesota retreat. Someday," she said sadly, "I'd really like to go there."

He met her eyes and saw quiet longing reflected in their blue depths. "You will, Sam." He leaned forward and placed a soft, sweet kiss on her lips. "Someday," he promised, "you will."

Daniel sat at the long conference table in the SGC's Briefing Room, running a hand through his already tousled hair. "Sir, I think we're looking at this from the wrong angle," he said tersely, frustration etched on his features. "Our complete inability to get anything through the gate on P5X-918 might indicate that the gate is buried," he said, referring to the volcanic planet where his teammates were stranded, "or it might indicate that the whole thing has been been encased in lava. Do you have any idea what that means?"

Hammond, obviously just as irritated as Daniel, glared back menacingly. "Yes, Doctor, I do understand. It means that an operation similar to the rescue of Colonel O'Neill from Edora would be impossible."

Daniel nodded vigorously. "Yes, because there's no way anyone could mine their way through God-knows-how-many feet of solid rock before they suffocated. Teal'c only had to clear away dirt and soil on the Edora rescue, and he still almost died." His eyes flashed angrily as he continued. "It would be a suicide mission!"

The bald General exhaled sharply. "I see your point, son, but I'm not exactly sure what you'd like me to do about it."

This time, Daniel lost his cool completely. "I think you need to be more forceful with the Tok'ra, sir! They're our only hope of getting a ship out there, and they're completely blowing us off!"

Hammond leaned forward, icy calm shining in his eyes. "Doctor Jackson, I'd watch my tone of voice, if I were you. I know you're worried about your teammates, but getting yourself fired for impertinence isn't going to help them one iota." He paused significantly before continuing. "As for the Tok'ra, there's only so much I can do. They've declined our request for help, and they've refused us access to Jacob. Until he gets word of his daughter's situation, I can pretty much guarantee the Tok'ra are going to be of little assistance."

Daniel ground his teeth. "What about Thor?" he asked, trying to find his flair for diplomacy, but failing rather miserably. His words were clipped and terse.

General Hammond just sighed. "We haven't been able to get in contact with the Asgard. We'll keep trying, but I have no idea if we'll succeed." The commander then leaned back in his chair, a look of exhausted resignation on his face. "I feel your frustration, son. But I have absolutely nothing productive to offer the situation. We're just going to have to wait."

Daniel sagged, glancing over at Teal'c. The large Jaffa had sat through the meeting rigidly, staring across the room in stoic silence. Though his appearance did not change, Daniel could sense a similar feeling of helplessness from his friend. Shaking his head slowly, Daniel fought the urge to bang his head on the table's smooth, shiny surface. "It just seems so ridiculous. We know where they are. We know they're probably safe. We just have no way of getting to them."

To his credit, the general didn't seem to hold a grudge against the exasperated archaeologist. "I know, son," he said gravely. "Let's just concentrate on the bright side. They were prepared for this. They're seasoned, professional officers. They'll be fine until we get them home. Even if it takes a little longer than we'd originally anticipated."

Daniel almost choked on Hammond's assessment of his officers' professional nature. Still, he had to agree with the rest of the general's opinion. "I know you're right," he said softly. "I just hate being out-of-touch with them." Daniel had been part of the stargate program from its infancy. He knew how unpredictable off-world missions were. Literally anything could happen. He rested his head in his hands, searching for some sense of comfort, but finding none.

Teal'c's voice interrupted the conversation, startling both men with its intensity. "I will not rest until they are found. If I must single-handedly commandeer a vessel with my own hands, I will do so."

Suddenly, Daniel's head shot up. "Teal'c," he said softly, "You've just given me an idea…"