10:00 am
I just woke up. I'm so damn sleepy. Ryan has this thing where he puts the alarm clock all the way on the dresser in the opposite side of the room so that I get up and shut it. But from the day I threw the alarm clock at him and gave him a concussion, we stopped believing in alarm clocks. So now Ryan wakes me up. He still comes close to getting a concussion.
10:45 am
Okay, so now I drank my coffee and had breakfast. I'm all right now. Coffee does miracles on me. Now Ryan and I can talk without him having to wince in pain every few minutes. I tell him I love him, which is WAY too early to say, so he figures out I want something. And I do. I want to drive his car.
12:00 pm
Can you believe this stubborn fuck? I'm STILL begging him for the keys. He keeps telling me that I could kill him but he won't let me touch his baby. I thought I was his baby? Guys are fucked up that way. One day you're their baby, next day it's their car, and suddenly it's their penis.
12:30 pm
I got the car! How? I kneed one of his 'babies,' it's up to you to figure which one. Poor guy – you'd think he'd be immune to it by now. Oh shit. He wants to say goodbye to the damn thing before we leave. I don't care if it's a tinted Mercedes Benz, there's half-day sale at the mall that so can't wait for his sorry ass to cry over damn metal on wheels.
1:30 pm
He's still lecturing me about what to do and not do. Can you believe he gave me a "don't drink while you're driving it, cause if you crash it, it'll just never be the same." What the fuck? He so didn't just say that! I was this close to making him lose all chances of having a child, but he saved himself by handing me the goddamn keys. But I leaned in, kissed him, gave him a hard-on, and drove off. That should be some torture since I won't be back for hours.
2:30 pm
FUCK! I was trying to pass this bitch in a pink convertible that kept showing off her D-cup boobs as if I was an A-cup. I'm a C damn it! The goddamn point is we so raced to the mall and when I parked I flung the door open and it hit a pole and now the door is scratched. Ryan's gonna kill me!
Unless I run away to Canada…
…Damn it! It's too cold there; I would never be able to wear my red stilettos.
3:00 pm
I considered calling up insurance, but they'd call up Ryan, who'd come down to the place all panic-stricken and probably bitch-slap me and go hug the car. So insurance isn't an option.
3:30 pm
I ran into the mall, saw that woman with the D-cup boobs, stepped on the back of her white skirt, and bam, she was walking around in her thong. Very, very amusing. I run into Claire's hair salon and buy some black nail polish off of her. And – Oh. My. God. I see these black boots from the window of Aldo and they're TO DIE FOR. I make a mental note to come back for them ASAP. I run back out and D-cup is sitting on a bench crying now. I wish I had a camera for this. Damn those Kodak moments.
4:00 pm
I'm back at the car and I just brushed the fifth layer of black nail polish onto the scratch but you can still see the damn silver underneath. But the manicure job is perfect. That beauty course really came in handy. This color is gorgeous. I've been looking for good black manicure for years. Look! Look how it looks on my nail. Oh my God, this thing is amazing.
4:30 pm
My nails and the scratch are now fully covered in black. The half-day sale is over in an hour since the mall closes at 11. I run back into the mall and I dash into Aldo's, the D-cup bitch is actually trying on my boots! IN HER THONG!
Wow… I like this woman. Persistent. So I walk up to her and tell her she has nice taste in boots. She thanks me and tells me how much she loves my nail polish. She's such a sweetheart! We exchange numbers and end up buying the same boots. We have the same shoe size! Coincidence? I don't think so. More like fate.
6:00 pm
I'm out of the mall with a few bags. Maybe a dozen? Damn… I didn't have enough time to shop. Stupid car. Ah, at least I made a friend. I wave bye to Melina, who is by the way, D-cup bitch. But come on, name-calling? Grow up.
7:00 pm
I'm parked outside and the sun is setting. Ryan runs out of the house like a mad-man. What'd I tell you? He's hugging the goddamn steering wheel. He walks out of the car and eyes it like an eagle. His eyes shoot up at me and he yells "You have nail polish on my car!"
7:30 pm
I'm crying like a baby and Ryan's arms are wrapped around me. He's calming me down and telling me things would be okay. Why? Cause I got mugged. Or so he thinks. AND I felt so bad about the mugger scratching the car to get my wallet that I still managed to get over the trauma and drive to the mall, buy nail polish, and paint the scratch. How did I end up with 12 bags of carefully chosen clothes? Oh, well, I didn't want him to get worried so I pretended like the day had gone by normally, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't lie to him, so I told him I got mugged.
8:00 pm
We're in the bedroom. And let's just say – I don't kiss-and-tell.