The Only Way Is Up

by Mizander

Imagine, for just a second, that you had it all. Now sit back and eat a few snacks while you watch the Irken Empire find out the hard way that having the Universe enslaved isn't quite as much fun as the conquest. Chapter 5. I've been busy.

2. Chapter Two

Title: The Only Way Is Up

Author: Mizander

Rating: R

Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me. It belongs to Jhonen Vasquez and Nickolodeon, and quite possibly some other people who aren't me as well. Also - this chapter borrows several lines verbatim from the cancelled script: "The Trial". I have itemized these at the end of the chapter.

Chapter 2:

PLANET DEVASTIS - Several years after HORRIBLE PAINFUL OVERLOAD DAY part II

Hundreds of Irken Soldier-class potentials sat in lecture-hall style rows, each wearing a holographic helmet and an expression of utmost concentration. The room was almost deathly silent, save for the occasional rustle as someone shifted or coughed. Suddenly out of the midst of the hundreds, one individual took off his equipment and, setting it down neatly made his way from the room. Try as he did to be quiet, the movement attracted several of his fellows, a few of whom took off their own helmets to mutter among themselves.

"He's ALWAYS done first..."

"...First in line for snacks EVERY day..."

"So Lucky..."

"Did you hear? They're going to make him an INVADER!"

The Irken in question gave a grin and a wave to the seated individuals, eliciting a bit of clapping. A few more students took their helmets off at the noise, and the proctor at the front of the room was forced to stand up.

"Sit back down everyone! May I remind you that this is an IMPORTANT EXERCISE?" He eyed the soldier at the front. "You. Get going to designated snack break." He sighed. Young Irkens were just so easily distracted.

Looking slightly abashed, the students sat back down and replaced their training helmets while the one lucky enough to have completed his work quickly let himself out of the room.

The proctor Irken, General Nabi sat down with a sigh, running a finger over the seating lists. He was not, as every student in the system thought - here as a result of overcrowding due to Horrible Painful Overload Day. While it was true that there were two generations worth of smeets here on Devastis, there was no need for teachers. Soldiers learned from holo-simulations and there were always enough educational plug drones to monitor that. Nabi had a higher purpose in mind.

After the untimely and unplanned death of Almighty Tallest Miyuki, Almighty Tallest Spork had been brought to power. As an unwitting contender for Miyuki's title in the first place, Spork was a logical choice - his mentality and personality had already been approved. Unfortunately, he was also well past his life-expectancy and a younger, longer-reigning Tallest had to be found. With the sheer number of smeets in the Soldier training programs, this was as good a place to start as any. The only problem that arose was that many individuals had caught the attention of the General. This cadet was merely one of them.

---

Red wandered the halls, enjoying the quiet. He could take his time getting to the designated snack break, as chances were his colleagues wouldn't be done for quite some time. Although Irkens were solitary creatures by nature, Red had been mildly unusual in that he did seem to be able to tolerate more company than most. Fortunately for him, his skill made him well known enough that it didn't seem to matter that he associated with outcasts. Between Zim, Purple and Skoodge, it really didn't leave much room for intelligence. Of course, it did make him look all that much better by comparison.

"...really, they're not Invader material."

The sound floated out of one of the nearby doors and Red paused, looking around. That had been Instructor Nabi's voice. The talking continued, and Red located the source, hidden on the other side of the door, and eavesdropping.

"...there are several. One of them is that cadet from my class - Red. The other is Min from Squadron C and that crazy Zim. He may not win any awards for popularity but he does seem to have a lot of clout over the more impressionable minds."

Red's squeedily spooch had nearly broken the second he'd heard his name. HIM? Not Invader material? That was absolute insanity. He was top of the class, he was top of Squadron B, and...and...that couldn't be right! Min too - well, her high-scores were certainly never in the top five, but her piloting skills were usually top notch. He could see her maybe fail to make it as an Invader, but she certainly didn't seem about to be kicked out of the academy. Zim...well, yes, now that one made sense. Zim was pretty hopeless, and probably defective. That notwithstanding, Red found the little Irken an infinite source of hilarious stupidity, and would be sorry to see him go anywhere...that is unless Instructor Nabi came to his senses and didn't kick him and Min out as well.

"Thankyou General, you've been most helpful. We'll begin preparing those three for Tallest status." There was rustling in the room, and Red took off. Being caught eavesdropping certainly wouldn't help his situation any. There was a brief pause while the door opened, and the footsteps faded mercifully away in the opposite direction from Red's hiding place. Alone once more, the Irken tranee began to piece together what he'd just heard.

First, there was Instructor...or rather, General Nabi. Yes, now that the honorific had been attached, this made sense to Red. Nabi had been one of Almighty Tallest Miyuki's personal bodyguards. More importantly, what was this about him and Min and Zim being prepared for Tallest status? Red and every other smeet had always been told and furthermore believed that there was no way to tell who was going to be Tallest. He and Purple had once made fun of Zim for making a statement about what he'd do when he was Tallest.

So that begged the question; what did Zim know that he didn't? And how about Min? Red glanced idly at the nearest time piece and in shock, leapt to his feet. He only had a few minutes left in the designated snack break period, which had started long ago. Unless he left now, he wouldn't get any food at all.

---

Now carrying a tray laden with food, Red made his way to the table in the back corner, ignoring the many yelled promises of vacant seats that came his way. There was always a seat left there without fail - as the three individuals who otherwise occupied it were just not popular enough to warrant any other company.

"Where were you?" Purple demanded, shifting slightly to allow Red more room. "I thought you finished early. That last exercise was HARD!" he sighed. "I don't see how you manage it all the time."

Around a mouthful of food, Zim scoffed. "I could beat him any time I liked. I'm just holding back is all...because the sheer FORCE of my BRILLIANCE would make the pitiful brains of every instructor in here EXPLODE!"

"Wow, REALLY?" Skoodge quivered with excitement and admiration, slipping to the edge of his chair, while Purple laughed loudly.

"YEAH, RIGHT. Brilliance." He paused, noticing Red's silence, and elbowed him sharply in the side. "Hey! Don't take it so seriously! It's ZIM!"

Red forced a chuckle, but soon went back to wondering what exactly it was that Zim DID know. He'd NEVER seen him as a potential rival of any kind - perhaps he should have been giving him more attention all these years.

"Heh heh...maybe you've got a shot Zim!" Purple gave Red another poke, this time in the shoulder. "He's gone all defective on us. You in there Red?"

Giving his head a little shake, Red tried to push the results of his eavesdropping to the back of his mind as he finished his meal. He chatted with the others, and spent some quality time baiting Zim like he always did. Perhaps a bit too much, as even Skoodge made comment to him afterwards about his audacity.

---

The next day passed without incident, until the Squadron battle simulation that took place in the evening. Squadron B and Squadron C faced off. Normally Squadron Leader, Red purposely arrived late, taking the back left wing position opposite Squadron C's Min. With Red's usual spot empty, Zim insisted on filling it - which led most of the unfortunates in Squadron B right to their simulated doom. It was, however true that while Zim himself was a poor flier and an even worse strategist, the other Irkens obeyed him without question. Min was in top form herself...he was sure she had given him a nasty look as they battled...or was that just concentration. Unfortunately, between himself and Zim, which was all that was left after the nasty shoddy leadership-induced massacre, Min and the other Squadron C soldiers outclassed them completely.

After enduring an extra lecture the likes of which Squadron B had never experienced from the second Red had learned how to command the unit, it was evident that Zim had taken an even more serious dive in popularity than usual. But, as usual, the short Irken seemed to be above the angry remarks...or perhaps just oblivious to them. In fact, nothing particularly odd had happened since he'd heard the conversation - classes and simulations and tests...not to mention snack breaks had went on as normal through the day and night. Red was beginning to think he'd overheard wrong. After all, he'd been eavesdropping.

The weary Squadron B had arrived so late to the cafeteria that there was barely any food left at all. Skoodge and Purple - both in Squadron A had long finished and were making small talk at their usual table in the back when Red and Zim arrived. Zim was still babbling about what an amazing job he'd done, and Red scraped up his meager portion while fighting the strong desire to kick him. Again. He was sorely contemplating at least attempting to drown him in nacho cheese, when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Yes?" One of the food service drones that worked the cafeteria was blinking down at him.

"You two forgot your food." said the drone, setting full plates down in front of Zim and Red. For a second Red was overjoyed, but it started to dawn on him that they had been TOLD when they arrived that there was no food left, and rather irritably at that.

"Wait, we..." he started, but the drone was already gone. A new thought occurred to him, and he turned around, locating a second food-service drone circulating among the tables. A little more searching revealed Min and her colleagues sitting in a table near to the middle of the room. Judging by the confused look on her face, she too had just received a mysterious plate of food that she didn't order.

He ate the nachos but the incident set off a new wave of suspicion in Red. There were no more mysterious deliveries in the breaks to come either to Min or to the table in the back however, and the cadet checked himself in the nearest reflective surface every chance he got, but there was never any change. Comfortingly, neither of the other two had changed either. Naturally, after many such trials, his worries were starting to calm, but as seemed to be the trend of late, they were never left that way. This time however, his suspicions were definitely confirmed, but not in his favor.

The nighttime on Devastis was generally spent doing what most smeets called 'the boring stuff' - navigational planning and survival training. The long break that followed that was usually the quietest, where the most rest was able to be taken. Instead of silent Irkens trying to find the most solitude at tables meant for many individuals at once, there was a rather large and close crowd gathered in the middle of the room.

"What's going on?" he asked the nearest person, who happened in fact to be Zim. "What's going on over there."

"It's MIN." Zim's voice was somewhere between jealousy and reverence. "She's...gotten TALL. Heh Heh, it's just a matter of time, it'll be my turn next, and when I'm Talles....HEY!"

Grabbing Zim's arm in a vice-grip, Red forced himself through the crowd to get a better look. It stung his pride still more that he had to look up to do so. The female Irken was indeed taller, and her body was starting to bear changes that could only belong to a Tallest. Her spine had elongated considerably, and she had slimmed somewhat too.

"...I don't know! I just...woke up this way!" Min said, her tone suggesting she'd already said the same thing about a dozen times already. By the look on her face, she appeared confused, but certainly not about to complain.

"You're going to be Tallest, Min!" someone yelled, causing Red to squeeze Zim's arm hard in frustration. The shorter Irken gave an angry yelp and tried to wriggle out of the death-grip.

She laughed, joyfully. "And here I wanted to be an Invader."

Able to take no more, Red let go of Zim and stormed out of the hall, muttering angrily under his breath. No matter how he weighed it, trying to get information out of Min would be useless. Her words had been innocent, she definitely had none to give.

He replayed the events of the past month in his head, circulating them through brain and pak ad infinitum. The only thing that had been at all weird...had been...the food.

"The food, the food." still muttering to himself, Red slipped back into the cafeteria, undetected by the large crowd that was still gathered around Min. The kitchen was indeed empty, and a quick look around confirmed his hypothesis. Sitting apart from all the other portions was one lone serving, which Red was willing to make all bets - went to Min. There had to be some kind of drug or stimulant in there that made her grow. All he had to do was replace it near the front and remember which one it was so that he could 'innocently' take it. He was first in line every day, it would be perfect.

Just as he'd made up his mind to do the deed, the door creaked open, and he nearly dropped the plate entirely.

"What are you doing in here Red? I saw you come in here....and...What are you DOING?"

Red paused, both pak and brain working furiously, hands clutching Min's stolen plate. How could he explain himself. "Uh..."

"Hey! You've got...I heard that Min's supposed to get special meals from now on now that she's going to be the new Tallest...you're...you're stealing it Red! That's...wrong! I mean, I've done bad stuff...like set those seeker droids on Zim, but that's funny-wrong...and...and she's going to be THE TALLEST!"

Red set the plate down and waved his hands a little bit to calm Purple down, an idea having just occurred to him. "Listen...never mind Min. How would YOU like to be the Tallest instead of Her."

Purple shook his head. "Are you defective?" he backed away from Red slowly.

"No no. Listen." Red spoke urgently, eying the door. They could get discovered any moment, and then all hope would be lost. "You know that one exercise that I finished early? Well - I was waiting for snack break...and I overheard Nabi...that's...GENERAL Nabi...talking. He said that Me, and Min and ...get this, ZIM...were not Invader material. So I listened. How could I not? But they said they were going to make one of us Tallest instead. And then, Zim and I got that extra food that there "wasn't" when we walked in late...so did Min! There was something in that food Purple, Min just reacted to it faster than Zim or I did."

Purple's expression of hostility was beginning to calm somewhat, but he still looked as though Red was going to grab him and try to eat his brains.

"If WE eat this stuff, instead of Min, we'll be the Tallest. Whaddya say? You and Me." Red didn't particularly want Purple in on the deal, but here was a chance. He could use the other Irken as a scapegoat if they got caught. His incredible ability certainly pulled enough weight around this training facility that he was absolutely guaranteed to get off scot-free. Besides...he figured once they were Tallest, he could just...get rid of Purple. Right now the only important thing was this last chance at advancement.

Purple's eyes lit up, though his face remained passive, he was obviously weighing this hard. As tallest you didn't have to take Soldier training, and Purple wasn't particularly clever at it. That, and he knew that Purple had never enjoyed Red's popularity. This was a chance to be even better than important.

"Alright. I'll do it. But you'd better be right, and we'd better do this quick."

With a start, Red realized they'd been standing there far too long. Quickly, the two replaced Min's special plate with something of the generic variety, and distributed the rest of the nachos between two other plates. After making sure the coast was clear, they left the kitchen and hovered around the front of the line until the kitchen staff tired of ogling Min, taking of course, the two plates that had the special food.

With slightly reduced doses, it took a bit longer, but Red and Purple, both similar heights to begin with began to grow slowly and surely. Able to use their mutual alliance to sneak into the kitchens and replace Min's plate without detection, they were never discovered. Neither noticed it at first, but the height seemed to come in a natural fashion at first - a few inches over time, and then more readily. They feigned innocence, but it was truly a wonderful terrible secret, evil and twisted, and working beyond their wildest dreams.

---

As Red and Purple continued their growth, Min began to deteriorate. Her thin elongated spine, unprotected from the elements twisted und began to crumple under the weight of the rest of her. Without the Armour and the Hoverbelt to remove unnecessary strain from the skeleton, her bones slowly became crippled. She was subsequently removed from much of the Invader training, but allowed to remain with her flight simulations. This created more of a problem than it was worth - Min spent much of her newly acquired free time hobbling around the cafeteria, making life more difficult for the team to get any food switched. On the plus side, the dosage in Min's food had definitely been increased - whoever was in charge of this was evidently wondering what was going wrong with their new Tallest's growth spurt.

Today was a particularly good day to make the switch, as Almighty Tallest Spork was visiting the training facilities, and most Irkens were taking the opportunity to try and get a good look at their leader, maybe shake his hand. Nobody was near the cafeteria, and it looked like a perfectly clear shot.

At this time Red and Purple were now truly seeing the effects of whatever it was - Red's theory that it involved some sort of drug seemed to be quite accurate. Quickly switching the food, the two prepared to leave chattering between themselves about the brilliance of their plan, when Red's heart nearly stopped. Hobbling ahead of them, coming right from the same direction was Min. Had she seen them? Heard them? She was trapped though - how could she know that becoming the Tallest wasn't completely arbitrary. Plus, she was crippled now, and could only get worse, so much so that they didn't have to worry about her attempting to retaliate in kind.

Tallest Spork had finished addressing the crowd by this point, and shortly after arriving and mingling into the masses, Red excused himself from Purple's company to find Min. He had to find out if she knew anything or not.

"Excuse me!" He'd never spoken with her before, and his mind cast around for a topic to start with. He didn't care what he said, he was studying her reaction.

"Yes?" She turned to face him with some effort, and although her features reflected surprise, they didn't seem hostile. "Can I help you...Red is it?"

He nodded, at a loss for words. Having prepared for a conversation, and having learned all the information he needed after the first exchange, he wasn't sure what exactly he was going to say to her. "Oh - I was just thinking...what a disappointment it was that Squadron B and C were never matched up again. I would have liked to try beating you, without the...er...help of Zim."

"Oh, likewise." she said pleasantly, "But that will never happen. Haven't you heard? I'm not to be Tallest. I can't even fly any more either."

"Pity." Red cheered inwardly, feeling quite nasty at the moment. "Though, you know - if I'm ever Tallest, I'll make sure you get an excellent job as an advisor or senator. Something with a lot of sitting down."

"Thankyou. It's a great offer."

Red made his way back through the crowd, to find Purple now arguing with Zim.

"...WHY!? I mean...that's just SICK!"(1)

"What is?" Red asked.

"Training him to be an Invader."

Zim paid them no mind. "Hah..flattery aside, when I am TALLEST, I will make the EMPIRE rue ever having made me wait so long to rule them!"(2)

Red actually started to laugh. With his position secure, Zim's threat was nothing less than funny. Zim started to laugh as well, though Red didn't doubt he had no idea why he was laughing. As Zim threw himself into a fit of maniacal hysterics, Red elbowed Purple in the side. "She doesn't know a thing." he turned to adress Zim. "Yeah, well, if I were TALLEST, I'd PROBABLY put you on TRIAL to defend your life. Yep, THAT's probably what I'd do. Mmmhmmmm."(3)

Predictably, Zim ignored the threatening comment entirely, distracted suddenly by something he found in his pocket.

The next events were too horrible to think about. One moment Red was contemplating how well everything was going in his life, and the next moment he was diving for cover under rubble as a giant blob-monster came roaring into the room through the ceiling, devouring several Irkens where they stood, including the Tallest.

The cadets did well and eventually succeeded in driving off the Blob-creature, but it wasn't until the shock had worn off that the Irkens realized their planet was now minus an Almighty Tallest.

As the assembled Irkens mourned, the door opened to admit General Nabi and another assistant. Looking around, he grabbed Red by the arm. "This is..."

"Sir?"

"What is it Sploog?"

"Well Sir, I think that this one here is the same height as him."

"Nonsense!"

"No, Sir...they are."

"Well...this is unusual…I guess…it would seem that Irk has two Almighty Tallest."

And as Red grinned and waved, he made a promise to himself that this would be only a temporary arrangement.

---

Present Day – The Massive

Almighty Tallest Red frowned, hovering through his chambers irritably. Nothing on this whole ship had gone right since he'd invited Zim back – almost like it was preparing for the disasters that would occur upon his arrival.

He needed Zim back though, disasters and all. He'd worked hard to keep the little defective alive all these years. The fame of being Tallest had gone almost immediately to Purple's head, and among the many his co-ruler had killed, he'd been consistently gunning after Zim. It had taken much masterful coercion to change his mind about his fate.

The problem was that while Zim was so unbelievably dangerous, he was arguably the perfect tool to kill Purple off after all these years. All of Red's previous attempts had been failures, and there were only so many conceivable accidents that could be written off as precisely that. Zim was only a danger when he wasn't happy, and it would be easy for Red to convince him that HE, and not his partner had provided him with the things that made him happy. The secret mission, the Megadoomer, his…SIR Unit.
The door swished up to admit an understandably wary-looking Purple, Red's temper had been off the unpredictable charts all week.

Red didn't even look up as the heavy door came crashing down on Purple's Pak, dislodging it slightly from his shoulders. The other Tallest looked vaguely dazed for a moment, before a soft suction noise preceded the device snapping back into its appropriate place.

"Ouch." Purple whined softly, rubbing his head and looking beyond worn out. "Nothing's been going right recently Red…"

"I know."

---

Author's Notes:

Yes, I know I said this story was going to be ZADR, and I haven't gotten there yet. But the second I started to piece together Red's motives, there needed to be back story, and hence we got this chapter. I hope it's a reasonable substitute. Next time is a good long look at Zim and Dib. Until then readers.

– From Cancelled Script "The Trial"

– From Cancelled Script "The Trial"

– From Cancelled Script "The Trial"