Title: The Only Way Is Up
Author: Mizander
Rating: R
Summary: Imagine, for just a second, that you had it all. Now sit back and eat a few snacks while you watch the Irken Empire find out the hard way that having the Universe enslaved isn't quite as much fun as the conquest.
Warnings: Sit down for a second. Yeah, Right now. This story contains SLASH. Slash entails Homosexuality. IF you do not like the idea of a HOMOSEXUAL relationship between two males, do yourself a favor and click the back button right now and go find something more suited to your tastes. Or, if you REALLY feel the intense burning need to waste your time flaming me, go right ahead. I could do with a laugh, but remember, instead of entertaining me - you could be playing outside in the sunshine. It's alll up to you...

Chapter Five

Dib was not sure how long he been asleep, but when he finally awoke of his own accord he found himself still alone and undisturbed yet despite this, unable to return to his dreams. He lay, still and curled up, eyes closed against the dim light in the room. Although he gave the outward appearance of still being deep in sleep, his mind whirled furiously. He wanted to use this moment of quiet and solitude to assess his situation more fully; to analyze and pick apart the nuances of what was really going on. For all that he tried to get his thoughts in order, he seemed unable to get past basic facts he already knew. Things that were important only to his continued survival, not his slowly growing master plan.

Whether it was still leftover shock from the experience of coming out of suspended animation, or whether his mind had still not adapted to the severity of his current situation, he wasn't sure. It was a frustration, but he knew full well that like everything of importance in this new lifestyle, it would take time.

When the Irken soldiers inevitably came in to retrieve him, he heard them, but let them believe they were shaking him awake - jumping slightly in feigned surprise when one grabbed his shoulder and pushed him to a sitting position. He jolted again, this time in real shock when something smooth and artificially cool slid around his throat. His hands automatically flew up to remove it, but when it didn't tighten or choke him, he relaxed somewhat, eying the soldiers questioningly.

It was explained to him rather tersely by the taller (and probably higher ranking, Dib deduced) soldier, that it was a tracking collar, in order to keep him in line. A small bubble of annoyance rose in his throat at the idea of such a device around his neck, but he swallowed it back down and simply followed the two to see 'The Tallest'. In the short time he had spent aboard the Massive, Dib had quickly discovered that 'The Tallest' could refer to Red, Purple or both together. He was however, willing to lay down money that the third option wasn't a common one.

It was Purple who was waiting for him this time and as Dib had predicted, Red was nowhere in sight. Dib desperately wanted to ask why, but he knew that this was neither the time nor the place, nor - perhaps, the leader he should be talking to. Torn again between anger at his forced subservience and a mad desire to know it all, Dib bit his tongue and reminded himself of something that Agent Darkbootie had told him not long before Earth's destruction. The mark of a good Investigator - Paranormal or otherwise, was to ask the right questions at the right times...and know when to keep your 'goddamn mouth shut the rest of the time'. He'd really not had much of a chance to employ that strategy on Earth, but he couldn't afford to fly off the handle here. The Human Race only had one chance to be avenged.

There was, however - one question that still bothered him deeply. "Uh. My Tallest? Could I ask a question?" He even raised his hand, like they were told to in skool.

Purple looked surprised, maybe at the gesture, maybe because of the question, but nevertheless waved an accommodating arm at him. "Go ahead."

"I wanted to know if Zim..."

Purple's face clouded over the instant the name left Dib's lips. Mirrored eyes popping from his head with apoplectic rage, the Irken leader batted a guard away hard in order to heft Dib effortlessly up by the shoulders so that he could stare down at him nose to nose. "Zim," he hissed, "is a three-character Irken word for Colossal FUCKUP."

After depositing Dib back on solid ground, Purple proceeded to give the human his orders for the day. He seemed to revert to a more pleasant demeanor, and Dib made a mental note not to pursue his question about Zim with Purple. He wasn't quite willing to try something like that again with either of the Tallest until he'd gotten a better feel for what might be allowed.

Dib slid his hand idly along his new collar, looking for cracks in the plastic-like substance that he knew from repeating the same action at least a dozen times already, were not there. He could not find a mirror anywhere aboard the Tallest's ship, but the first time he'd been alone, he'd immediately touched the thing, groping along like a blind man. It felt flimsy, and from experience with Zim, Dib had immediately assumed that it was poorly constructed.

The attempt to pull it off was something he hoped to forget. Working a finger in between his skin and the device, he'd tried to yank it hard enough for it to break. Not only did the collar not yield, but a sudden sensation of shock to his throat had convinced him that it would not be wise to try a second time.

His hand slid from the collar, against his skin and over his ear. Perhaps in time he would be able to remove the slave security device, but for now, the fact that he'd learned to turn the language translator off and on was a step in the right direction.

He'd amused himself around the hangar bay for awhile by adlibbing replies in English when asked questions, then turning the translator back on to find out what had really been said. He'd had to quickly give the game up however - a particularly irate Irken had been less than amused when the slave did not answer promptly, and Dib now had bruises in quite a few places, not to mention a rather severe black eye. Even now he was deliberating what he would tell the Tallest if asked. Apart from the fact that they'd probably be displeased with his insubordination, he did not necessarily want them to know that he had was making any kind of progress in the field of learning Irken technology.

Speaking of which, the ship had been put on autopilot and was now landing itself on someplace called Foodcourtia. He hadn't mentioned Tak's ship either.

He snapped the switch to 'off' as he made his way down the street of the planet. He doubted if anyone would talk to him here.

The overpowering smell of food was odd to him after so much time on the Massive. Irkens did not have an unpleasant odor, but they did not smell of anything remotely living either. In fact, they smelled like a mixture of the sterilizing cleansers used in hospitals, and the iodine solution that his Dad had used on surgical tools in the lab whenever he was on one of his 'Biology' kicks.

He was jostled along through a sea of Irkens, most of them giving him curious looks. Dib suspected that it was not only the slave collar, but the fact that with the obvious exceptions, he was quite a bit taller than your average Irken. The time spent in Zim's tube had stunted his growth considerably - he might actually have been past six feet had his growth been uninterrupted. Now, however- the antennae of the taller irkens tickled the bottom of his chin if they got too close. He decided he liked the feelers. It reminded him a little bit of walking through tall, wild grass.

Looking at the scribbled direction one last time for verification, he stopped at the end of the walkway and gazed at the building on the corner. This was the place. He was glad he'd thought to bring the hover cart out of the ship - he suspected that despite the size of the order, nobody would help him carry it.

Dib switched his translator back on, and pushed open the doors to the restaurant called Schloogorgh's. His first thought was that he'd come to the wrong place. In fact, MacMeaties would have looked positively glamorous by comparison. Nevertheless, this place had to have SOME merits, as every booth was packed with Irken customers.

Finding the restaurant's owner was none too difficult either. If 'Sizz-Lor' wasn't distinguishable by his name tag, then the fact that he was by far the largest Irken in the place certainly made him stand out. Upon closer inspection, the restaurant manager was actually only about the same height as Dib. It was his sheer width that made him command such presence.

"Sizz-Lor?" He made a slight bow, feeling somewhat foolish.

"Heh. Slave to the Tallest huh?"

"Uh...yeah." Whatever Dib had been expecting, Sizz-Lor wasn't exactly it. The heavy-set Irken while physically terrifying, gave the impression that so long as you weren't being a total moron, he wasn't going to waste any extra effort lambasting you all over the nearest wall.

He nodded, hefting himself out of the booth. "Yep, Tallest Purple sent a message ahead. Told me to be expecting you."

"I have a list..." Dib offered, pulling it out of his pocket.

Sizz-Lor took the list and read it to himself without batting an eye. Maybe the Tallest threw parties that required this amount of food all the time...or maybe with all the new slaves, the restaurant manager wasn't worried about money or supplies.

Hollering something unintelligible to the slaves in the kitchens, Sizz-Lor turned around back to Dib. "Yep..." he said again, but there was a strange hint of something like pride in his voice this time. "I knew the Tallest back when we were in the educational plug. You know, before they were the Tallest."

Deciding that Sizz-Lor felt sharing this merited appropriate response on his audience's part, Dib nodded politely and tried to look appropriately impressed.

The alien's face twisted bizarrely, as though he'd forgotten something important. "They were both..." he paused, as though the next few words took effort to say. "...very...popular."

Dib was only starting to ponder the merits of asking Sizz-Lor what exactly he had meant by that statement, when the order arrived and Dib was preoccupied with loading his tray and being jostled quickly out of the restaurant.

He arrived back without consequence, the hover cart laden with food traveling along at his heels like a puppy. He rubbed his now purpling eye gingerly while he waited for the hangar-bay slaves to announce his presence to the Tallest, but placed his hands conspicuously out of sight when the Alien leader arrived. No sense drawing any extra attention to it.

He needn't have worried, as Purple seemed hardly to notice that Dib had been in any way damaged and merely ordered some slaves to cart away the supplies. Dib felt he should have guessed. The days where some one might have remotely, in some small way cared about the state of his well-being, were gone. Even Gaz might have left him some ice packed in a napkin had he annoyed her long enough with complaints. The Irken leaders on the other hand could easily get a new slave to pick their food up if this one couldn't do it's job.

"Dib."

He froze and turned to face Red, who had come up behind him, unsurprisingly only moments after Purple had left. Dib internally cursed, but put up his newly acquired accommodating front "My Tallest?"

"If my co-ruler can hoard you away from me for half the day picking up snacks, then I have a job for you as well. Come with me." And with that, Red turned swiftly, activating the sensor that opened a nearby door.

He followed Red into the room. The Irken leader gestured at a chair, and Dib, quite against his will - sat down. The door hissed shut behind them with an echoing snap that put Dib in mind of a jail cell closing.

"How have you been enjoying your time here, Dib?"

Dib gritted his teeth. Red's habit of being genial when he wanted something important reminded him irritatingly of his father. 'How are you this fine morning Son? Ready to try REAL SCIENCE?'

Sure enough, Red didn't bother to wait for a reply, but just launched straight off on another tangent. "Well then. This next task is a little more difficult than just picking up snacks, but I think you might be up to the challenge." He leered at Dib for a second, then let his face fall, bringing one two-fingered claw to his forehead as though to stave off a headache. "I just...can't go on like this anymore."

The contrast in his attitude was so powerful that Dib couldn't stop himself from expressing a knee-jerk concern. Maybe even evil leaders got stressed out sometimes. "My Tallest?"

Red wheeled away from him, his words muffled by his hands. "I can NOT take that ... incompetent...have to get rid of..."

"Yes, I know - you want me to get rid of Zim right?" Dib ventured. "I can…"

"Not ZIM...well, yes Zim. But I'm talking about Purple!"

"Your co-ruler?" A very nasty sick feeling was manifesting itself in Dib's stomach. He could tell right from the beginning that there was some kind of a rift between the two rulers but assassination? Of a Ruler? "I couldn't do that!"

"Think of it as a warm up Dib!" Red was all energy again, and Dib found himself swallowing yet another angry bubble at falling for the play-acting. "After taking out a powerful Irken leader, Zim should be nothing at all."

"I...that's..." Dib's voice petered out, and he fell silent, though glaring reproachfully at Red - damn the consequences.

He'd been about to say 'inhuman', but given the circumstances, that really wasn't much of an argument.

"Horrible?" Red supplied, not bothering to look around at Dib. "I thought that's how you might feel, but quite frankly this happens to be a matter of opinion, and your opinion doesn't matter."

Dib frowned; he was caught between a rock and a hard place. As long as that slave collar was working - he did not want to find out what it would do to him if he didn't do what Red asked. On the other hand, Purple could just as easily activate it to rid himself of his attacker. Either way, he was completely at the mercy of one or the other of the Tallest.

"I won't do it. You can kill me." Dib's jaw tightened in resolve as he decided. Purple had always been much nicer to him, if it could be called 'nice', and there were a million and one far worse consequences that would happen to go hand in hand with murdering a beloved Irken leader in cold blood.

When Red still did not show surprise, Dib's heart sank. Had he really been prepared for this reaction too?

"Very well Dib. You don't have to kill my Co-ruler."

The surprise must have been really evident on Dib's face because Red laughed again. "However...I will have to punish you for insubordination."

Hardly daring to believe his stroke of good luck, Dib was almost relieved - at least a beating was something he could take.

Hovering over to the control panel in the room, Red flicked on a switch. The screen was filled with a smoldering rubble in the background and...the unmistakable voice of...

"Invader Zim? The planet Sludge is scheduled for demolition in five minutes. I guess you won't be able to get off of it in time. Too bad, isn't it?"

Zim took a few seconds to process that one. "WHAT?"

"Bye now!" Red cheerfully clicked the screen off before Zim could get out another word and turned to face his human slave.

"WHAT?" Dib parroted Zim, momentarily forgetting about keeping his mouth shut.

"You wanted to destroy Zim. You wouldn't do as I asked, so now you can't have that pleasure. I can't say I'm terribly sorry."

Dib fidgeted in his seat. Zim was finally going to be destroyed...and he might manage to survive here a little longer if he took that as his punishment. As Zim's five minutes ticked down, Dib thought harder. Red watched him closely.

"Wait!" Dib prayed that it wasn't too late. "I'll...do...I'll do my job. What you asked."

Author's Notes:

Two fic updates in two nights. Yay.

Anyway – We're slowly creeping closer to the moment when I will actually have to bite my lip and write actual relationship (read: the promised ZADR) plotline. Stay tuned for that.

Also; a thank-you to Ukemura for the use of her line: "It's a matter of opinion, and your opinion doesn't matter."

After all that: I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading, I enjoy long walks on the beach and reviews. :P