Author Notes: This is a spin off of what will likely come to be my Inanimate Objects ficlet mini-series.

I place all responsibility for Office Porn squarely at lil blossom's feet…and claim full responsibility for the Cutlery porn.

So, yeah…CRACK

Enjoy

Kitchen Research

"Why are we doing this again?"

"Because I wanted to."

"But why are we doing THIS?"

"I always wanted to try kitchen sex."

"This isn't kitchen sex."

"Mmm?"

"Kitchen sex usually involves a kitchen."

"Really?"

"And it doesn't involve dressing up as cutlery."

Fuji hummed cheerfully. "Everyone's really missing out, aren't they?"

Ryoma glared at Fuji. "I'm sure they don't consider it that way."

"Maybe it's because they lack imagination."

"Maybe it's because they're normal, sane people." Ryoma's voice was razor sharp.

The older boy directed a reproachful look in Ryoma's direction. "Really Ryoma, don't be so rude."

Ryoma snorted. "Implying you're insane is rude?"

"Calling people normal is extremely rude." Fuji tsked. "It makes them sound boring."

Ryoma gave the older boy a disbelieving look.

Fuji smiled serenely.

Ryoma sighed in resignation and tried to run his hand though his hair. He was impeded by the tines rising from his head. His fists clenched, but slowly relaxed as he recited the alphabet. Backwards. Five times.

"Is there any particular reasoning behind the costume?"

Fuji tilted his head thoughtfully. "Hmm. Not really. It just reminded me of you."

"I remind you of a spork?" Ryoma's voice was flat.

"Mmhmm."

Ryoma resisted the urge to hit his head against the wall repeatedly.

"So that," the younger boy gestured vaguely at Fuji's costume, "made you think of yourself?"

"Well I had to have a costume to match yours. A spife(1) and a spork go well together don't you think? It turned out better than expected really." Fuji did a jump-skip twirl.

Ryoma gave the ceiling a plaintive look.

"What did I ever do to deserve this?"

Fuji frowned disappointedly. "You know, you sure do complain a lot for an inanimate object."

"…"

"That's the spirit."

"You're twisted." A scowl of disgruntlement settled on Ryoma's features.

"Thank you."

"I hate you."

"That's nice."

OMAKE (follows directly on)

Fuji patted the top of Ryoma's head.

Ryoma's retaliation was swift and deadly, or would have been if Fuji hadn't pulled his hand back just as quickly.

Fuji pretended to be hurt. Ryoma ignored it in favour of tugging at the zipper of his costume.

"I don't know how you got me into this…thing," the word was laden with disgust, "but I'm getting out of it right now."

Blue eyes slid open to consider Ryoma.

"Saaa…Ryoma," Fuji's voice was a husky purr, "why don't you let me help you out of that."

The younger boy gave Fuji a suspicious look. Upon meeting the other's molten blue gaze, he began to edge backwards.

Fuji followed.

"You don't need to." It was a desperate squeak

"Oh, but I want to." The heat in Fuji's voice was almost tangible.

Ryoma shuffled faster…and hit the wall.

He dove for the bedroom door.

Fuji pounced.

X----------X----------X----------X----------X

Reviews appreciated. Comments considered. Flames ignored.

(1)Spife knife spoon, knife on one end spoon on the other, aka thething used to eat kiwi fruit…