Title: I'm Here, but I'm Not
Author: Mandi
Characters: Faith and Cruz
Summary: Faith and Cruz deal with Monroe's betrayal.
Disclaimer: They are not mine
Authors Note: This is bascially a short speculation fic for the 'Rat Bastard' epi. I wrote it before watching the epi and again I've involved my two favorite characters!

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The locker room door nearly flew off its hinges as Sergeant Maritza Cruz barged in. She went straight to her locker in the back corner. She grabbed furiously at the lock and grew frustrated when she couldn't seem to get it open. Oh, no, she was definitely not having a good day. After a few minutes of no success whatsoever, she kicked angrily at her locker and collapsed back onto the bench behind her...defeated.

It was a good thing there was no one in the room with her because Cruz started to feel tears threatening her eyes and she hated that she succumbed to them. She looked down at her hands. They weren't smooth or delicate but rough and calloused, proof that she was a fighter, that she worked her ass off her entire life, and she wasn't ashamed that it showed physcially.

She sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm her growing agitation with the news she received earlier that day. Cruz realized that she didn't know if she would've been able to stop herself from killing the rat bastard if Brendan Finney hadn't held her back. The betrayal was overwhelming, hitting her hard, breaking through the walls she had built around her heart. She didn't trust easily, probably never completely, but she trusted Sasha Monroe, that was for sure. And where did that leave her? Letting herself open up to a person, to actually allow herself one friend got her nothing in the end. Only a heartbreaking sense of lost and a gut wrenching anger that threatened to consume her.

"Son of a bitch..." Cruz whispered to herself as she angrily wiped away a few tears that escaped her eyes. She was so angry the tears were futile to stop.

The door opened again, slowly this time, and Cruz turned just in time to see Faith making her way cautiously into the room. Faith's eyes never left Cruz's as she shut the door behind her. Her expression as grim as Cruz's.

Cruz let out a tired laugh, lowering her gaze once more and shaking her head, "and I thought my day couldn't get any worse."

"Cruz..." Faith uttered softly, approaching slowly, each step growing more reluctant than the last. She wasn't quite sure what compelled her to seek out the anti-crime sergeant. The last thing she wanted was to harbor any kind of sympathy for the woman, but given the current situation, it was hard not to. Because in truth, Faith felt the betrayal as well, they all did.

"What do you want?" Cruz replied, trying to keep her voice firm.

Faith was now only a few feet away, staring intently down at Cruz's shrunken demeanor. She could tell the woman was taking it harder than anyone else. Faith nervously played with the button on her sleeve as she spoke softly, choosing her words carefully, "I just wanted—to see—how you were."

Cruz snickered, "what do you care?"

"I wouldn't...usually...but given the circumstances I think someone should."

"And you being that someone?" Cruz countered as she pushed herself off the bench. She stood in front of her locker, and again tried opening the lock, this time with more ease, "just go home, Yokas. I don't need your pity."

"It's not pity I'm offering."

"Yeah?" Cruz said, dropping her lock and turning to face Faith, "then why the hell are you here?"

Faith met Cruz's hard gaze, unflinching, as she continued, "I understand what you're going through."

Cruz shook her head, once again going back to work on her lock, "you ain't got a clue bout what I'm going through so don't pretend to understand. You know jack shit."

Much to Cruz's relief she was finally able to open her lock. She quickly opened it and reached inside, pulling out her jacket and handbag. There was a few lingering moments of silence while Cruz slipped into her charcoal gray jacket, but then Faith broke it.

"It wasn't only you that she befriended, Cruz. She fooled us all, what makes you so different?"

Cruz remained silent, slamming her locker shut and now working on getting the lock back on.

"We all told her stuff we shouldn't have...we all let her in with open arms, no one suspected anything. What makes your feelings any different from ours?"

"Because I trusted her!" Cruz exclaimed, her watery eyes meeting Faith's again, "I trusted that bitch! And she lied to me! She'd pretend to care...she'd pretend to understand but it was all an act. The son of a bitch played me and I let her."

Faith shook her head, "you couldn't have known...no one could."

"Yeah, well I should've." Cruz said, emotionless. Faith remained silent, just watching her, watching her quickly wipe tears from her cheek as she grabbed her bag from the bench and started toward the door, "I gotta go."

"You're being too hard on yourself." Faith said, stopping Cruz before she reached the door. Cruz quickly turned around, anger once again apparent in her features.

"What do you know about being hard on yourself? Saint Faith...perfect, can never do wrong, Faith...oh, no—see, I know better. I know what you're capable of." Cruz hissed her tone low and threatening.

Faith's eyes hardened, "you don't know the first thing about what I deal with—and I'm not here to guess your problems either...fact is I could care less about them, but right now as two officers of the NYPD, we're facing the same painful truth...the same betrayal and I'm telling you that you don't have to face it alone."

"We'll never be friends...you said it yourself."

"But we can be civil...work is work, personal lives aren't an issue here...I realize that now. When you went to prison...when you didn't rat me out because of your own ambitions...because of your loyalty to your fellow cops, no matter how much you hate her—I respected you then. And I respect you now."

Cruz's eyes widened only for a brief second as her mind processed what she was hearing.

"But you're right, Cruz." Faith said walking pass her and to the door. She turned back toward Cruz when she reached it, locking eyes once again with her, "we'll never be friends."

Cruz nodded, "But at work you're here...for me."

"I'm here..." Faith replied softly, "but I'm not."