Wizard Anger Management and Control

By: Lady Agatha Hal

Chapter Six

Rating: G

Story summary: Dumbledore and McGonagoll unite to send Snape and Black to Wizard Anger Management and Control classes. Light-hearted.

Spoilers: I have no idea; I'm not going to check. If anything pops into my mind that I can use from any six books, I certainly will. So all six, I suppose, though thus far, I don't think there are any.

Chapter summary: They wrap up their counselling session.

Note: I cannot apologise enough for not updating for so long. I really, really am sorry, considering how much I absolutely adore this story. Life's been hell on earth, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear I lived on a hellmouth. I've made this chapter longer than my usual ones as an apology. I hope people are still reading :S

And what did everyone think of the sixth book? If you're reading this, and you haven't read that – then you're insane.

Recap:

'Now, look at it this way, Severus,' she said, looking at him… one could almost swear Dumbledore's wisdom was glittering at him, 'you have a choice.'

'Finally.'

'I won't get too smart. Your choice is: you either come here and voluntarily give me a hug, or I can and will force you to hug Star.'

Snape's shocked expression could not possibly be bought. Black looked just as aghast.

'So, my dearest, what will it be?'

'And you really give me no other option?' Snape said tentatively.

'I think two's option enough,' Roxie said, smiling sweetly.

'Fine,' he said through gritted teeth, 'but on one condition.'

'Conditions? My, my dear, you forget who holds the –'

'I want my robes back!'

'Ah!' Roxie laughed, 'Well, I don't know. I think I would rather enjoy hugging you as you are now…' Snape's horrifed and shocked expression made her collapse with laughter, 'Oh, I'm just fooling around. No pun intended, of course. Yes, you can have some robes to put on. Not your gritty black ones, though, honey. How about something in a nice mauve?'

'NO!' Snape exploded, 'I am being ridiculed. Surely Albus and Minerva did not know the extent of this, this –' Black was looking beside himself with glee once again.

'What colour would you like, Sev? I'm not going to give you black robes. And I think it would be highly entertaining to change the colour of your underwear, don't you, dear?'

'Blue.'

'What was that?'

'Give me robes in a deep blue,' Snape said tightly. Roxie smiled brightly.

'Blue! That's really nice. A sky blue would look gorgeous with your black hair… but I suppose I'd better steer away from that, on account of your ridiculously transparent skin.' She paused for a moment, 'Yes, deep blue would be fetching.'

Snape looked down and saw himself adorned in what were quite sufficient robes. They were neither frilly (thank goodness) or, to his relief, tight. He didn't know why exactly he thought she'd summon tight robes, but he was quite thankful that she hadn't. These were really almost identical to his usual set, apart from being blue.

'Sev, what do you say?'

'Thank you,' he said, looking more relaxed than he had been all session.

'Brilliant! You're pleased. Hallelujah! Sing with me, Star, dear!' she said, beaming. Black and Roxie fell to singing a chorus of Hallelujah!'s. Snape looked on with distaste, 'now, dear, who would you rather hug? Me, or my darling little Star?'

'You,' he said heavily. Black looked relieved.

'Come on, then,' she said, unmoving.

Snape got up and went over to her. He stiffly held his arms out, 'erm, what now?'

Roxie laughed, thoroughly amused, 'you actually put your arms around me, amazingly enough. You wally!' Snape bent down a little, and awkwardly put a hand on each of Roxie's shoulders. He pulled her an inch or two closer to him, and let go, 'no, no, no, no! Merlin's beard, Severus, how long has it been since you've hugged a woman?'

Snape blushed. Black jumped a foot in the air at seeing Snape's cheeks redden.

Snape. Was. Blushing. WHERE was Harry when you wanted to have a laugh with him! Where was ANYONE?

'I see,' Roxie said, and stood up. 'Now, dear. You put both your arms around my shoulders. Not your hands on my shoulders. ARMS. Understood? And I'll put my arms around your waist.'

'WHAT?' Snape yelled.

'What, what?'

'Don't do that! You know perfectly well what I – flipped – about. You are not going to put your arms around my waist!'

'It is perfectly traditional while hugging, Severus, you know,' Black said, smirking.

'Star, dear, come here,' Roxie said.

'WHAT!' Snape and Black both jumped back.

'He agreed to hug you! I don't have to hug him, do I?' Black said worriedly.

'No, dear,' Roxie sighed impatiently, 'come over here.' Black walked over, 'now, hug me, dear.' He put his arms around her and she hugged him back, 'See, Sevvie, dear? It's really quite simple. Now, you can be a baby and –'

Snape grabbed her, hugged her tightly to him and let her go.

After getting over the initial shock, Roxie smiled at him, 'That wasn't so hard, was it? And it was quite a nice hug, Sev.' She sat down, and they sat down after her.

Black was trying not to convulse with laughter while attempting to talk, 'May I just say, Severus, that I have never seen you look so sweet.' Snape glared, but had the presence of mind to keep her mouth shut. Clearly, the way to get through counseling sessions was to keep as quiet as possible.

If she even tried to imply that he was secretly in love with Black because he said something like "I hope you rot in hell", he would decide death would be the safest option.

Black's death, of course. It would be quite pointless to diminish himself from the world. The world needed him. Black, on the other hand…

At the end of the session

'Now, we've been here four hours. Can you two boys summarize our session for us?' Roxie said, 'Rock, paper, scissors for who gets to go first. Best of three.'

They looked at her incredulously.

'What? Do you not know how? This is how it –'

'We know exactly how, Aunt Roxie. However, could we please settle this a more reasonable, less childish way?'

'Do you not embrace your inner child, Star?'

'With open arms, Auntie, with open arms. But please, another way?'

'No. I think it'll be good for you. Now, go.' The duo glanced up at each other with a look of resignation.

'Tell anyone,' Black muttered.

'And you will die,' Snape finished. They played three times, and Snape won.

'Brilliant. So what did you learn from our session, Snapie?'

'To not wear black robes the next time I see you,' he said, looking down his crooked nose.

She chuckled, 'But of course. However, I want you to look deeper than that, Severus.' She looked at him seriously, 'What did you learn? And I would be honest, dear, cause I can dip into your thoughts and find what you really believe.'

'That's illegal!' he exclaimed.

'Not here, it's not, my sweet. I am quite a skilled Legilimens. I can and will use my skills to invade your defenses. But it is quite tedious and long-winded. I'd much rather you tell me of your own accord.'

'Madam, I do apologise, but I don't think I can continue with this. I have survived the counseling, a miracle in itself, and that was all I thought we would be doing. I certainly am not going to ridicule myself further by part taking in any of the cloud trips, the ridiculous bondage, or the bloody ball that you mentioned. Do you have any idea how sex-orientated that sounds?'

'Oh, dear,' she pouted, 'is that what's been bothering you, my darling?'

'No. I was merely pointing out a fact.'

'I think it's bothering you. I have no advantage in turning you gay, Severus,' Roxie said, quite seriously, 'and I fear that ladies from all over would be out for my blood if I turned Star gay.' She smiled, 'I'm not your enemy, sweetheart.'

'Of course not,' Snape said automatically. He honestly hated himself for being here. He despised being polite; he was sarcastic and narcissistic by nature. He quite liked himself that way and had no wish to change. Moreover, the roots of his problem with Black went deep and ran true. In the past, both had tried to kill the other at least once. He had no idea how he would get Roxie to give up this insane idea of making the two get along. They were now eerily civil to each other, for neither wished to loose their jobs – and that was the one and only reason.

'For God's sake, Severus. I think I have made it clear that I want honesty in this room. I am not your enemy, but if you think I am – and you evidently do – make no secret of it. Understood?'

And, of course, he despised sharing his feelings. They were his feelings, damnit! He should be able to choose what to do with them, 'yes.'

'Good. And don't call me madam. I'm Aunt Roxie, okay?'

'If you so assiduously insist.'

She grinned, 'I really do. Now, we digress. What did you learn from this session, Severus?' she pointedly said his name and refrained from nicknaming him.

He glared at both of them, and clenched the armrest forcefully, 'I learnt,' he swallowed angrily, 'that I should dress more adequately, and should show emotion more freely. I also learnt that apparently my hugs are not satisfactory. I perhaps might have jealously and acceptance issues – which I do not agree with you on. I think that pretty much covers it.'

'A nice overview. But that doesn't tell me what you learnt.'

'What, exactly, do you want me to say?' Snape asked, raising his eyebrow in lethal query.

'I want you to say what you think you learnt.'

Silence reigned for a few minutes, as Snape realised she would wait for however long necessary for him to start speaking. He looked over the embarrassing session in his mind, and wondered what to say. Finally, he spoke.

'I learnt that I'm not as accepting as I should be, and that I definitely have intimacy issues.'

Roxie smiled a big, warm and genuine smile. It made Snape sick to his stomach, 'Exactly, my dear, dear boy.' She smiled again, 'That's absolutely brilliant. A tremendous progress. I'll let Dumbledore know that.' Snape inclined his head, seemingly out of respect, but he was seething. She turned to Black, and repeated the question.

He answered easily, 'I think that I've learnt that I've underestimated the things that make Snape the way he is.'

Roxie smiled brilliantly again, 'that absolutely fabulous. Oh, I'm so proud of both of you. Yes, I know both of you are lying scoundrels, but saying something is the first step to believing it. Now, bugger off, my dears. I have a rather urgent appointment with a very, ah – delicate ex-Mister For Magic. I'll see you again for the next therapy session, then send you dears off on your cloud trip. Take care, darlings. Say hello to Minerva and Albus for me. Actually,' her quill re-appeared and scratched something onto a piece of parchment, 'give this to Albus, will you? You can read it, I neither mind nor care. Bye!' And she disapparated from the room.

They both hesitantly leaned in together to read what was written,

Ablus, dear,

I thank you tremendously for sending me these two for my amusement. Thank your darling partner in crime for me, too. Quite charming of both of you. The duo are doing as can be expected of two. Sit them down to hear the amiable tale. I have to run, my old dear, Fudge is ever so testy these days. Take care!

Sherbet lemons,

Roxie.

They both scowled. Snape walked out of the room in a huff, leaving the parchment behind. Black picked it up and smiled slightly. However, fears of what would happen on the dreaded cloud trip soon wiped the smirk clean off his face.

My sincere apologies. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next one will not be of the next session, I don't think. I don't feel it's necessary. It might be of the first cloud trip. I don't know yet. We'll soon see.

Hope to update soon,

Lady Agatha