Disclaimer: The characters belong to J.K. Rowling.
Pairing: Severus/Harry.
Rating: R
Summary: Mistakes. Love. Betrayal. Destiny. Two souls. Two lifetimes. They were meant to be together. Now they get a second chance.
Author's note: A very strange sort of AU. Six chapters of five. Very quick updates. Review! HBP Spoilers (chapter XV).
Author: Spirit
The Forever Dreams
XII
For Snape, the long drive back to the hospital was lost in the haze of his thoughts. His conversation with Lucius had been no less pleasant than usual but more and more something niggled at the back of his mind. He went through the hours that he had just spent in Lucius' company as carefully as he could, sifting through the parts that had caused suspicion.
"Narcissa was weak," Lucius had said softly in relation to his wife.
Perhaps their marriage had not been the best but Severus was Lucius' longest known friend and he had stood beside him at the illustrious wedding that the Malfoy's had given in honour of their heir. Referring to Narcissa as weak was an epiphany to Severus. Not being one to hide his intrigue Severus could not let the comment pass.
"She may not have been ideal but she was the perfect wife. Her beauty, her money and the duty she performed in bearing an heir to your fortune, professes that she performed her tasks well."
Lucius' eyes had narrowed. "And in the end when I needed her loyalty she stole my son away."
"Have you found Draco as yet?"
"Draco?" Lucius' short laugh held no amusement. "Draco, I have come to realize, will never be found again. Not by me anyway. One of the many small sacrifices I have made."
"One of many?" Severus raised an eyebrow.
He reached across the table they sat at to flick the sleeve of Lucius' shirt. On the ivory skin was a tattoo of a snake, wrapped realistically around the upper arm. It was the same mark that Severus wore on his own arm. Neither of the snakes had faded over the years since they got them.
"This was not a mistake Severus."
Severus smiled slightly. "Perhaps not to you, but my allegiance has changed over the years. I gave enough of my soul to the cause and now I realize that as exasperating as life can get, I find that I like my freedom."
Lucius was silent in thought for a while. He stared at the snake on his arm, running the tips of his finger over it as all who had sworn their allegiance to the man who had favoured them with it, did. It was almost a caress. Yet, for Severus who was watching, he no longer found comfort in the mark.
"How did you escape the organization Severus? In all our years, you've never told me." Lucius broke the silence. "What did you do? His power was great. Encompassing. I could not bear to separate myself from his magnificence and I would rather have given my life for his. How did you walk away?"
It had been a difficult question and one that was complicated to answer. Severus had found the courage to leave, but Lucius seemed to have gotten more and more lost as the years passed. When Tom Riddle had been assassinated Severus had been able to view his life in perspective. There were things he had done as a member of the organization that others like Lucius still did. He wasn't one to judge, but he knew that his friend was even less of an innocent man than he was. But Severus had left, Riddle had died, Lucius had lost both his wife and his son soon after... and something had seemed too coincidental.
"What happened to Narcissa, Lucius?" Severus didn't hide his suspicion. "How did she really die?"
"A bullet to the head I believe." His tone was too casual. His sip of wine, too languid.
"Lucius?"
The glass was replaced on the table, casually. Lucius' expression changed to a smile but the coldness of his blue eyes spanned the distance to Severus' own dark gaze.
"Draco is my only heir. She had no right to send him away. He is a Pureblood and a Malfoy. I would have trusted no one but you to teach him Severus but Narcissa has always adhered to her heart first. She is dead now and before you ask my old friend, I did not kill her. Not directly anyway."
Severus knew that there was more than one way to indirectly kill someone. With a past like his and Lucius', Severus was well aware that Lucius didn't have to be in the same country as Narcissa to ensure that if he wanted her to be dead then by the next day she would have been. Unlike Lucius, Severus was atoning for his sins, however.
What had really happened with Narcissa? Where was Draco? What had his dear friend done two years ago? And...far from Lucius and his mysteries, who the hell was Harry Potter and did his appearance in Severus' life have anything to do with the other coincidences?
The questions distracted Severus so long that he hardly realized that not only had he arrived at the hospital but he had also circled the parking lot three times already. Severus quickly got his thoughts together, shoving them away to be examined later. He parked his car and made his way into the antiseptic scented hospital.
"Severus! Good you're back." Severus was accosted en route to the change room by McGonagall. "Scrub in. I really need your help in O.R. 4 right now. I've had Flitwick paged for ten minutes now but there's no sign of him, and it might be too much for any of the interns to handle."
Severus changed back into his surgical garb and quickly joined her in the operating room.
There was only one person in the observation room to watch the surgery. The other interns were probably occupied with Doctor Flitwick somewhere, but to Severus, it was still a surprise to see Potter sitting up there. With just a quick glance at him, Severus could feel the wave of sadness radiating off the new surgeon but he could not spare the time to figure out what Harry was doing back at the hospital so soon or what was wrong to make him look so detached from reality.
Three hours later, Snape was able to signal to Harry to meet him outside as soon as he finished cleaning up.
"Potter." The corridor was empty so the one word sounded louder than it actually was.
Harry turned at the sound of his name, and Severus gave thanks that his steps did not falter when he was faced with the glassy look in the emerald eyes. He stopped to stand before his intern but it might have been too close because Severus was left with the uneasy urge to reach out and offer comfort somehow.
"I've had that dream also," he said quietly instead.
"Did it leave you feeling hollow and confused?" Harry smiled wryly. "I'm sorry Prof - Doctor Snape. I probably do look like I've just lived through a nasty nightmare or something. It's just... The day didn't go quite as well as I had hoped."
"I sent you home."
Harry nodded. "I know sir."
Severus reached out then, before he even realized that he was. Snape had known the man before him for a grand total of seven days but Harry was magnetic to him.
As irrational as it was to have their emotions based on something as strange as a past life, what was building between them was real. It had only been a week and already Snape knew that despite his need to fight against it, it was hopeless to be so close to Harry without wanting to protect him somehow.
It was strange.
Harry leaned into the touch of the warm fingers against his face. When it wasn't enough, he moved even closer, until he was pressed casually against Severus. The fingers that were on his cheek, slid through his hair to cup the back of his head. Harry wrapped his arm around Severus' waist in a loose hug, and when the surgeon did not protest, he tilted his head on Severus' shoulder, pressing his face against the base of Severus' neck.
"Should I enquire as to how your day was in fact spent?"
Harry chuckled softly, sending a gush of warm air against Severus' throat. "You may ask sir, but I would rather not talk about it."
"I thought as much," Severus responded.
They stood like that for a minute or two longer. Neither of them spoke during that time. Neither of them admitted how inappropriate it was to tempt whatever laid between them. Neither of them wanted to let go, but when they did, there were no words that could be spoken to take back the moment.
"Potter, go home," Severus finally said softly. "You'll need the rest."
Harry nodded in submission.
"Yes sir," he said tiredly, before turning and walking away.
x-x-x
XIII
"Severus?"
Someone had left the ECG monitor on. The room was overwhelmed by the shrill tone that was indicative of the flatline that ran across the screen, but it wasn't loud enough to distract Snape from the body that was still lying on the operating table.
It had been a woman once. Perhaps one with a family waiting in the lobby or a family that was crying by now. Perhaps she had a career once and maybe all her life she had worked towards it only to have everything end at 11:01 pm on a Thursday night. Now she was a body with a gash that ran the length of her chest from throat to abdomen. And she was dead.
"This is why I try to stick to neurosurgeries." Severus turned to McGonagall. His expression neither held sympathy nor apathy.
"She did not have much of a chance. The truck that ran over her broke every bone in her body that it touched but God, she had no brain damage and for a while it even looked better than it was. Internal bleeding set in. The pedestrians took too long to call the ambulance. The paramedics didn't even spare the time to land properly before they had her rushed in here but it was too late. We tried. We really did. And he... well you know... his first death. He wouldn't let her go and when he did he insisted on calling it. He insisted on telling the family. My interns, Granger and Weasley, were pretty shook up but he was the one helping me the most. He took it hard."
Severus nodded, knowing exactly what it was like.
"Do you know where he is?" he asked her softly.
She shrugged. "I'm not too sure. I'd check the loo first, just in case his dinner made a re-appearance. Maybe the change rooms? I don't know."
He nodded again, taking in a deep breath that he hoped would help him find whatever it was that he needed to console Potter. Minerva smiled sadly at him. She too hoped that he could find a warm place in that carefully cold demeanour. Somehow she felt that if there was someone who would get to the great Severus Snape it would be Harry Potter with his sad eyes and kind soul. Maybe they could help each other.
"I'll find him," Severus said softly, but decisively, before he walked out of the operating room.
x-x-x
"Potter, you had better have an air tight reason to why at this hour of the night you are out here. I assure you that come morning there will be so many points deducted from your House that it will take years and a bucket of blood to work back up to whatever standing Gryffindor is currently at."
Full moon. Midnight. It was cold in the stands of the Quidditch Pitch.
Harry looked up at where his professor stood blocking the moonlight. For a moment it even hurt too much to keep his eyes open. He was tired. He could feel it in his soul like there was something leeching every happy thought out of him. It was like he had his own pet dementor. It was all too much.
"Can I just call a cease fire tonight?"
Snape looked at him as if he had lost a good part of his mind. Considering the very Muggle words that he had used, Harry was too tired to even mentally argue. He didn't know where the words came from but he was so tired that it really was what he wanted.
"I mean like a truce," he tried again. "Just for tonight can you just be nice or pretend to be. I swear that come morning you can deduct as many points as you want and give me as many detentions as there can be, to appease your anger but Professor, please, just not tonight."
"I don't do nice Potter," Severus stated stoically.
Yet, he sat down beside Harry and proceeded to also stare blankly at the Quiddith Pitch. He decided to forgo the urge to check the time, knowing that it was probably after two in the morning and having no doubt that Dumbledore would not be amused if he got whiff of their location.
After a few minutes, Harry reached across and took Snape's hand into his.
Snape glanced at him but Harry was still looking at the pitch. He didn't even blink as he intertwined their fingers. Harry was actually grateful when he realized that Snape was indeed going to keep silent. That was fine by him.
For some reason it felt okay to be silent with this man beside him.
Harry awoke slowly from the light doze he had drifted into. The small corner that he had found to hide from the pain of the last operation was still mostly secluded, but he knew as soon as he woke that someone was nearby.
"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I'm not having the best few weeks."
Severus moved to stand in front of where Harry was sitting, knees tucked in, on the ground looking more like a little boy than a doctor. He reached out to him, but was somewhat surprised when Harry didn't hesitate to take his hand to pull himself up. They stood holding hands for a second longer than necessary before Snape politely pulled away.
"You cannot react like this every time someone dies."
"I know," Harry mumbled with a duck of his head. "It's just that I wanted so much to save her. It just hurts to know that I wasn't good enough to heal her. Three weeks here and already someone dies on my watch and even though rationally we did what we could, I can't throw off the guilt."
Severus' dark eyes narrowed, but it was more a look of sympathy mingled with understanding than an actual angry expression.
"Still trying to save the world, Potter?" he asked lightly.
That got Harry to laugh and he responded with a smile on his face. "Still giving up everything to protect me Professor?"
Severus' fingertips tingled with the urge to reach out and touch the man before him. Instead, he took a step backwards to escape the rush of being so close. Of course, he didn't miss the look of disappointment that crossed Harry's eyes when he did. It was almost too easy for him to read the man now.
"So I should probably get back to work." Harry suddenly looked tired again as he ran his fingers through his black hair. "If it's okay with you sir, I'll go hang out with Doctor Flitwick and the other interns. I guess I'll see you at three for the Spinal Tap procedure."
When Snape did not respond Harry sighed softly. Before he walked away though he summoned the courage to reach out and run his fingers lightly against Severus'.
"Thank you for not getting angry at me and ordering me to get over it like I know you probably would have if I were any of the others," he said quietly.
Severus turned to look at him, allowing his fingers to uncurl long enough to return the finger play.
"I find that you are special, Potter. Far be it from me to fight the instinct to reassure you." His eyes burned another message before he continued. "Don't think that the next time I will allow you to run and hide again though. You are a surgeon now and an acceptable one at that. It has nothing to do with your medical skills if you lose a patient. It happens. Don't drive yourself crazy with a tally of all the ones who die, instead remember the ones who lived. It's far better for your mental health."
"Yes, sir."
Severus indicated for him to re-join the general hustle of the hospital again with a slight tilt of his head in that direction.
"Go. I will see you in surgery at three," he said.
Harry smiled again before putting on a brave face and walking away, leaving Snape to stand for quite a few minutes watching his retreating figure and wondering about what he was going to do next when it came to the two of them.
XIV
"Hey Harry," Ron exclaimed in a happy whisper when Harry showed up in the mist of Flitwick's group en route to a liver transplant.
"Hey," Harry responded, but his answer must not have been cheerful enough because Hermione rounded on him to enfold him in a tight hug.
"Are you okay?"
He shrugged. "You guys are okay and you were both in there with me. So, it would only make sense that I buck up and grow a pair too."
Ron and Hermione each gave him looks of sympathy and for that he pulled them into a quick group hug but suddenly he felt bone tired. Between the flashback dreams, his lack of skills in saving someone who really needed to be saved and the tiny voice that constantly niggled at the back of his head concerning someone blond and unstable, his life seemed to weigh in a ton of guilt at every chance.
"Potter, if you can't concentrate on my voice long enough to answer a simple question, perhaps you should be otherwise occupied."
Harry couldn't even find it in himself to look apologetic as Flitwick's words cut through his reverie. Instead he gave the surgeon a distracted half smile and a mumbled apology that was not convincing even to his best friends.
Flitwick sighed dramatically before he called the group to a halt and called the three to the front of the crowd.
"Yes I thought so," he murmured cryptically before smiling at them. "This would seem a bit trivial for you three wouldn't it? Afterall you've already been in and out of the operating room so many times in the past month that you're practically on staff. Granger, would it be too much of me to ask your help on this one also? Since I'm taking one of the others in I'd rather have someone keep an eye in there while I'm working and this bunch seems to really value your opinion. Weasley, you can stay with the others if you want or find McGonagall. She should be around here somewhere. Check with the GPs. Maybe Doctor Delacour has seen her."
Both Hermione and Ron gave him their consent, though Ron look decidedly happier since he really liked having a chat with Delacour. She was afterall the prettiest doctor on staff.
"You should go to Pediatrics or the Maternity ward." Flitwick turned his full attention to Harry when he had sufficiently caught his breath again. "You're not my intern and I'm sure Severus will have my head for this but with all respect Potter, I don't fancy you being anywhere in the vicinity of a knife. You look like you're about to keel over. Babies will cheer you up. They cheer me up in any case and although you might think that seeing sick children is the last thing you need, you might learn something about life from them. Blimey, go to Psychiatric if you feel like it. They are always entertaining. Just stop moping."
Harry looked crestfallen at the realization that no matter how nice and cheerful Flitwick's words were, he was being kicked out from the group. On noticing this, Flitwick gave him a sympathetic pat on the back and an encouraging smile.
"It's quite alright you know. It happens to the best of us and even Severus is forced to show some reaction when he loses a patient. You really mustn't let it get you down though."
Which was why two hours later when the page was sent out for him, Harry had been sitting on a chair in the Pediatrics ward with about five terminally ill little children avidly listening to him read them to sleep.
Except for the ride in the elevator, he ran all the way.
In the space of two hours the lobby had been transformed from a place of waiting to a zone of chaos. Everywhere around there were people walking back and forth, shouting or crying. Many of them were bleeding from their limbs or face and those who weren't bleeding was shaking uncontrollably from shock.
"Hey Harry, over here!"
Neville Longbottom spotted Harry before he even noticed the group of interns. Still in a hurry, he carefully pushed by to reach the excited man and his friends who stood nearby. Everyone in the little group was chatting excitedly, but from what Harry could see there were no on-staff doctors or surgeons around. Only the nurses were hurrying by in a blur of haste.
"What happened?" Harry asked when he was close enough to shout.
Neville was only too happy to fill him in.
"There was an accident in London. Two subways collided. I didn't hear how it happened but they're rushing patients to hospitals all over England. The helicopters have been flying in but Hogwarts dispatched about ten ambulances. Of course you know they'll never make it fast enough with the two hour drive but it's to get the 'medics on site."
That was the most Harry got to hear before he spotted Doctor McGonagall approaching them at a jog. She stopped just in front of the group and glared at them all.
"What are you all doing standing about? Aren't you surgeons? Go to the roof you idiots! Granger, Weasley, scrub in then meet me in O.R.3 -"
"Potter."
Harry turned his attention from McGonagall at the sound of his name. Doctor Snape was standing beside him. In all the confusion Harry hadn't even noticed him approaching but he hardly had time to dwell on this before Snape reached out to take his stethoscope from the hand that it was once again dangling from, and began to speak.
"Potter. Come. I need you in O.R.1. Scrub in. Don't even wait for me. I'm leaving you to perform these operations without guidance. I'll be in O.R. 7 doing the best that I can. I expect nothing but your best so do not let me down or the family of the patients who you will be working to save."
Harry nodded, frantically. His heart was pounding so loudly that it threatened to drown out the confusion around. Snape wasn't asking him to do a standard operation on a otherwise healthy patient. These patients would have internal bleeding and crushed organs and on top of all that, the one's sent to him would have brain damage. Swollen brains. Cracked skulls. Torn meninges and ruptured blood vessels.
"I know that you've had a long and trying day Potter," Snape said pointedly. "But you are about to have a night worthy of hell."
Harry allowed himself one moment of absolute, heart wrenching fear before he looked at the frozen black fire in Snape's eyes, and nodded again.
He would do his very best for the night.
x-x-x
XV
"Careful where you point that wand Potter or you just might lose the arm that's holding it."
Severus pretended not to seem too worried about the slim piece of wood that was pressed into the space between his eyes rather painfully. There was a gleam in Harry's eyes that he had seen many times in his own eyes for the months that had passed since the last night he had shown his face at Hogwarts. Many people said that only the evil or insane wore such a look of wildness.
"I'm not taking any chances, Sir." Harry spat out the last word in a tone very close to mockery.
"Do you really think that if I wanted to, you would not be dead at my feet right now?"
Harry's eyes glared but his lips turned up into a cold smile. "And do you really think I'm afraid to die after everything that has happened? It's funny how everything seems so trivial when there is nothing to live for. It's funny how there is no longer anything to fear."
"And it's funny how blinded one can be when submerged in their own private world." Snape narrowed his eyes to match the glare. "Or should I say your own private hell? That is what it feels like to you right?"
They began to circle each other. Snape held his arms out and away from his body. His wand was clutched in the palm of one hand and it was already vibrating in anticipation of an opening to attack. Harry's wand was no longer making contact with Snape's face but his hand was steady as it held the wood almost exactly perpendicular to the place where his own lightning bolt scar was imprinted.
Snape was not too keen on gaining a lightning bolt scar also.
"I take it you're angry?"
"What tipped you off?" Harry snarled between clenched teeth.
Snape raised an eyebrow. "I have always thought you to be far too emotional. You react without thought and in doing so you cause an avalanche of reactions where there are others left to save you from your stupidity. One would think you had no brain to reason things out for yourself."
"Well I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping you here."
"Am I to be your trophy now?" Dark eyes taunted. "Will you hand me in to the Ministry and claim your prize? It will not bring him back. In fact, neither of them will come back as they are both dead. Interesting how permanent death is Potter. Nothing you or I can do will turn back time."
"Who said anything about handing you in or turning back time? Maybe I want you here to kill you myself. It may not bring them back but I'd feel justified."
They stopped and stared at each other across the space of an outstretched wand and now, seven year of enmity. Severus tried to reach through Harry's eyes to his mind, but it was blocked. He wondered if Harry had mastered Legimency as well as he seemed to have finally perfected Occlumency.
Time froze with them there and then slowly it melted again.
"We need to talk," Severus said as if their conversation had only just begun. "I had to do it."
Harry's eyes became clouded with sadness. "I don't believe you. I think you wanted him to die. I think you want the Dark Lord to win and I think you love Draco more."
"More than who?" Severus asked softly. Harry was silent. "More than who?"
He reached out for Harry's wand and brushed it aside. There was no resistance as Harry lowered his arm. The look in the green eyes spoke of entrapment. Snape could not exactly argue against this reaction since he too felt as if he was trapped.
"Why did you do it?" The words were barely audible.
Severus considered. "He asked me to. Both of them in fact. Far be it from me to disobey not one but both masters. Seemed foolish, really. So like the humble servant I am, I obeyed."
"You killed him."
"Yes."
Severus reached out a finger to catch the hint of moisture that spilled from the corner of one emerald eye.
With one step forward he had Harry in close proximity. It seemed so simple to try and taste the memory of the salty liquid, and so he did. One kiss became a chain of comforting kisses that said more than he could with words. He wanted to pull the younger wizard into a tight embrace that would save him from everything else that would happen and all else who would die before the war was over. In a way he wanted to save Harry from the evil he himself would do in the name of right and justice.
"I hate you."
Severus nodded. He rested his cheek against Harry's and finally brought his arm around to hold his man-child to him. There were so many things separating them and so many things holding them together. There was the passion that had existed since the moment their eyes met and it had only grown stronger as the years passed. Now they would either kill each other or surrender.
"If it helps," he said quietly. "I did it to protect you."
x-x-x
The sun had long slipped from the sky to be replaced by a bright silver moon when Harry emerged from performing his final surgery. Twenty-nine hours had passed since the state of emergency had been called and in those twenty-nine hours Harry had become a machine.
He had been so scared.
Faces had merged in his mind and everything depended on which scalpel to use and what blood type was needed for transfusions and which patient was D.O.A or brain dead or worth saving above all others. And every beep of the heart rate monitor was another shot of adrenaline into his body as he worked. Even his thoughts had become streams of words that swirled around his head as a mixture of medical terms and prayers to a God he wasn't even sure he believed in.
Doctor Snape, as Head of Surgery, called a meeting with the members of his department after those twenty-nine hours.
Harry had heard the summon of course, but as he watched the green clothed figures in their white coats, converge in one of the hospital's conference rooms he found that he did not particularly want to join them.
Instead he found a quiet corner on the Pediatric ward, facing the glass wall of the nursery, and there he took a moment to close his eyes.
An hour later he awoke to rapid shakes and a feminine voice calling his name. "Harry? Harry wake up."
"Hermione?" He opened his eyes to see, not only Hermione, but Ron standing over him as well. "Oh hello."
Ron chuckled at the sleepy tone. "Doctor Snape asked us to fetch you. You missed the meeting. He says he's proud of us, all the interns including. Apparently we did good under pressure but he particularly wanted to know where you were."
"Maybe he wants to thank you personally. You were the biggest help to him. The other neurosurgeons were talking about you and how you kept up with them and they were so grateful that you were there," Hermione said almost as proudly as if they had been complimenting her.
Harry just nodded. "It was my job. I couldn't let them die and I didn't do much, Snape took more patients than me. Half the time I was second guessing myself."
He made a face.
"Don't tell anyone," he whispered in a conspiring voice. "I think I'm still shaking."
They took his arms and pulled him into a quick group hug before marching him to the elevator, where they soon abandoned him one stop down, on the third floor. It seemed that they would both be working a little to calm down the few expectant mothers who had arrived with premature labour or spotting. Some were still getting over their shock. If Harry had known earlier he would have visited the Maternity ward, but on suggesting this both Ron and Hermione gave him stern looks and told him to 'get his arse to Snape'.
It felt surreal to him as he entered Snape's office.
It wasn't a big office. Harry doubted that Snape spent much time in the room in any case, but although it wasn't big, it sort of seemed that way. There were only four pieces of furniture in the room; a bookshelf to the side that extended almost as high as the roof, a chair facing a table on which Snape was lounging in what was unmistakeably a tired posture, and the armchair that Snape was sitting so comfortably in.
As soon as Harry closed the door, Snape rose quietly.
There was a distant look in his eyes as Harry faced him. It seemed shadowed, as if he wasn't quite awake, but nothing else gave the impression that the man was less than aware of where he was or who was standing before him. In fact, as Snape took a step then two, closer, his gait was the steady stride of one completely awake. Harry was afraid to move, lest he disturbed the odd atmosphere that was weaved around them. He stood transfixed near the door as Snape paused in the centre of the room.
"Harry." Snape's voice was hypnotically soft and the sound lured the younger man. "Come here."
Harry went with slow steps, as if each leg was wading through air and water. He paused as closely as he dared to the figure that stood before him. Dressed in black in an obvious change of clothes from his surgical attire, Snape smelled like soap and disinfectant and something else that made Harry's insides curl in a manner that sent tingles through his entire body. His black hair hung like a curtain, half obscuring one side of his face, where dark eyes captured Harry's own gaze of green.
Snape reached out a hand. His fingers lightly slid down Harry's cheek. His thumb traced the curve of Harry's lips, pausing only at the expelling of warm air against his fingertips as Harry remembered to exhale.
"Harry," Snape whispered again so softly that Harry's name was like the haunting sound of a ghostly whisper.
Harry's heart raced. He was so afraid that if he did or said anything, the moment would be broken. He felt as if he was falling through darkness and being embraced by light. Or as if just with the touch of fingertips, the man before him was weaving a spell that was so strong that it made him light-headed.
"Close your eyes."
Snape lowered his forehead onto Harry's as both obeyed the same simple command. His fingers slipped away. Instead he aligned the tips of their nose to touch. Their breaths mingled from lips, which were so close, that they were kissing each other through the faint wisps of warmth that tangled in the tiny space between their mouths.
Their arms encircled each other's waist. Snape pulled Harry close until Harry's body bumped against the hard one before him. Harry tilted his face slightly, smiling a little when Snape's forehead slid until the bridge of his nose cradled the other man's.
"Breathe. Slowly." The words ghosted against his lips as Snape whispered them. It was so easy to obey. It was so easy to become lost in the rhythmic heartbeat against his chest and the feeling of being cocooned in warmth as he gave into the sensation of being held.
"If it helps," Severus said quietly. "I did it to protect you."
Harry shifted in his arms but not so much as to disturb their embrace. Instead he turned his head slightly to whisper just as softly against the shell of Severus' ear.
"And who will protect me from you?"
There was the unmistakeable catch of emotions in the words. It was enough that Severus could not ignore it, and so he leaned away and extracted one arm from around Harry's waist to turn Harry's face towards himself. The emerald eyes shimmered like gems, washed in tears that would never be shed by the little lion who believed himself brave beyond his years. It seemed too hypocritical to call the boy foolish when Severus knew that by god, he wanted nothing more than to cradle him in his arms.
He had no response to give to the thin tendrils of trust between that had been eroded so effectively by deaths and murders and traitorous re-alliances. Instead, he had only the moment that they stood in and he'd be damned if he let the opportunity pass by without one chance of effecting what he had wanted to do the night that Harry had stood silently falling apart before his eyes.
He lowered his head slowly, daring Harry to turn away and not knowing what he would do if Harry did. He pulled Harry's bottom lip gently into his mouth, causing a soft gasp to escape the perfect mouth in a whoosh of air. Severus seized that opportunity to cover Harry's mouth with his.
Harry allowed for the little shallow kisses before he extended his tongue to trace Snape's lower lips and it was too much to endure. Severus drew his arm back up to cradle the back of Harry's head as he tilted it back. He gave his tongue full permission to explore the dark cave of Harry's mouth, feeling encouraged by the moans that he procured as Harry returned the intensity of the kiss.
"Breathe," Severus murmured against Harry's lips. "Slowly."
Harry didn't even know when they started kissing. He could feel the heat that uncoiled in his stomach as it spread through his body. He was sure that he was shaking like a leaf as Snape held him. His breath caught somewhere in the back of his throat as Snape gently sucked on his lower lip. Then suddenly, before it could be prevented his knees buckled beneath him and found that he was leaning heavily while strong arms held him protectively against Snape's chest.
He broke the kiss, turning his face away to stare at the ground as his face burned crimson.
"Tired?" Severus asked with the hint of a smile as Harry found his proper footing again. "I should apologize. You've probably never had a worse night in your life and here I am assaulting you."
Harry returned the smile, finally looking back up at Severus. "It improved a lot in the past few minutes actually."
Severus gently stroked his fingers through Harry's hair one last time before he extracted himself entirely from Harry's reach by moving to half sit on his desk with arms folded. In that short time he was all business again with the only ghost of their previous closeness being the small smile that still lingered on his lips.
"So, once again I find that you leave me no other choice but to send you home Potter," Severus said, giving Harry an almost genuine looking scowl. "Everyone probably thinks that I'm building up my ruthless reputation by working you within an inch of your life. I would hate to have to correct their assumptions by informing them that you seem to be even more determined to drive yourself into an early grave."
Harry had the good grace to blush at that. He loved his job. He still couldn't quite believe that he was working at Hogwarts and with Severus Snape. If it was one thing he knew it was that Snape was great at being a surgeon and there were a few of the interns who would kill to be in Harry's position. If he wasn't at Hogwarts then he would either be home in the small apartment he was renting in town or he would feel the tug of obligation and have his mind wandering to Draco.
Warm fingers lightly traced his cheek, suddenly.
"Are you alright?" Snape asked.
Harry pulled himself from his thoughts to refocus. Severus was standing in front of him again, not quite hiding the concern that burned in the depth of dark eyes. Harry nodded, trying not to appear so tired and uncertain.
"Yes," he responded, finally. "Just wool-gathering. I'm wondering where I can go. It's not even light outside yet."
Snape raised an eyebrow in a perfect arch. "Yes Potter, I did notice that, but forgive me if I don't see that as much of a deterrent. You need sleep. So go."
Harry rolled his eyes, muttered something about the pot calling the kettle black, then turned and walked towards the door. Just in front of it he stopped, turned to look at the figure in black that was gazing at him and then he took a chance. Chalking it up to his muddled thoughts, he sauntered back over to the surgeon, tilted his head just a little and placed a light kiss against Severus' mouth.
Fingers closed over his arm as he pulled away.
"This..." Snape gestured between the close proximity of their bodies. "Must be kept a secret. I know that makes it seem more inappropriate than it is but -"
Harry saved him the awkward explanation by kissing him a little less lightly this time.
"I understand and it's okay I can keep a secret," he said smiling a little mischievously. "It does seem like that we're always doing this teacher-student relationship though doesn't it?"
"Let's just hope that we don't meet the same fate that they did last time," Severus responded immediately. "I very much doubt that in the next life I'll be so quick to forgive you if you kill me a second time."
Harry was still chuckling when he exited the room.
Walking out into the parking lot of the hospital, the weather promised to provide a perfectly sunny day once the sun did make an appearance. Harry figured that with another day off he might as well get as much done as he could. But first he had a visit to make to a certain someone.
He had never visited Draco before the month ended or so early in the morning. As he started his car, he wondered what the difference would be in his troubled friend.
x-x-x
XV
"Mr. Potter!"
The nurse at the front desk was so surprised to see Harry walk into the institution that she seemed to have forgotten that Harry expressly asked her to call him by his first name. She had even risen to her feet, sending a few stacks of papers tumbling onto the floor. She hardly seemed to notice.
He gave her a smile that was only the tiniest bit shaky. "Are the psychiatrists in? I was wondering if I could see Draco."
"No they're not." She seemed to be still considering his words, as if they hadn't quite formed complete sentences in her head yet. "Draco? You want to see Draco? But sir you're not to be here before next Wednesday. Draco isn't...ready...to see you."
The slight pause caught Harry's attention. He was suddenly as serious as his twenty-three years allowed him to be. He knew enough to know what she was hinting at.
"Ready?" He asked slowly. "I don't need him to be drugged to visit him. In fact I came early today so that I could see him in a state other than semi-drugged."
She blushed and then seemed to choose her words carefully. "That's not what I meant sir. I mean, he's not stable you know and we have orders to keep him in as agreeable a state as possible."
Harry had heard enough.
"Not on my orders Millicent," he told her with a glint in his eyes that promised intense pain if she didn't comply. "I'm paying for his care here and so I suggest that you grab the key to his room and let me in. I think it's about time that I see how he is treated when I am not here."
She sighed dramatically but managed to find the key that she needed. Gesturing to him to follow her, she walked him down a corridor he had never been down before and stopped before a relatively normal looking door.
"Remember that I shouldn't even be doing this. It's not visiting hours, but I guess it's only right that you see him without getting attacked. So, I'm not going to lock you in as usual, but the door isn't soundproof so don't hurt him this time."
She seemed resigned, even a bit pleasant as she opened the door and flashed a quick smile into the room. Which was all the indication Harry got that Draco was awake, before he was unceremoniously pushed into the room and the door was shut loudly before him.
He turned around slowly...cautiously, expecting the worst...only to be greeted by an amused smirk on a face he had once found breathtaking.
"Don't look so bloody stunned Potter," Draco said in a perfectly sane drawl. "I know it's a shock but for once you used your little nugget to do something clever. So yes, there are times when the annoying voice in my mind shuts the blaze up and I can think again."
Harry wasn't sure if he could really believe it. His medically trained side kept telling him that statistically, as long as Draco took his L-Dopa medication to control the dopamine levels he had tampered with when he was on cocaine, he was actually supposed to be able to live a normal life. So of course he would have to be lucid at some time.
"But I was told that you wouldn't get better," Harry protested against the voice of reason and the evidence before his eyes. "They told me you were never going to truly get better! And you've been so damn violent. Every. Single. Time!"
Draco rolled his eyes. Rising from where he had been lying casually on his bed, he walked over to Harry and pulled him into a tight hug before the raven-haired man could protest.
"Harry, Harry, Harry. Honestly. And you have the PhD right?" Draco pulled away slightly to flash a teasing smile. "Just so you know I'm perfectly aware that you were never the smartest man around and of course with your little innocent mind you would never think to make sure that you and you alone be given sole responsibility. Because family is so important to you."
"Hey!" Harry gave him a not so gentle shove. "I'm not completely dumb so stop talking to me as if I'm three. I'm confused. So explain and don't be an arse about it."
Draco gave an exasperated sigh as he pulled Harry over to the bed. They sat down with Harry holding a little too tightly to Draco's waist but the blonde didn't seem to mind. He rested his head on Harry's shoulder.
"You know I'm not brain damaged or anything, right? I mean, not relatively more than any natural schizophrenic is. The effects of cocaine on the brain is the same as with schizophrenics in that it damages the dopamine receptors in the brain and so causes an effect similar to an excess of dopamine. Right?"
"Yes Draco I know that, but I was told that you had damaged too many and so they would never be able to control the levels again, even with medication."
"They lied."
"No. Really."
"The question you should be asking is why they lied Harry. You pay for my treatment just like you promised you would. You visit me regularly. Granted you could have been smart like today and visit me randomly instead of acting like a machine and have everyone know when and what time to expect you. But I forgive you for that, because I know you didn't know that they kept me heavily sedated and you didn't think to see my report so it was easy for my father to have it hidden from you that I was improving. And it never occurred to you that every time you visited, my father would have already beat you to it -."
"I knew that, about your father visiting. I knew that he visited."
"Yes well there was where you went wrong."
Harry disentangled himself to stare at Draco even more confused. "He's your father. I can't refuse to let him see you."
"He is not my father. My father was a strong man who loved my mother and me. He's a shell of the man he once was. He sold his soul and now he's hollow and mean." The words were delivered in a drawl, coloured by distaste and anger. "He comes here all the time to threaten me and push me until I break for him. And when I start to shout he convinces everyone that I am dangerous and am experiencing a relapse. He tells them what drugs to use to keep me in line so that he can control what I know and remember. So that I'm always angry and violent."
Draco reached out to stroke Harry's hair, smiling a little sadly at the look of guilt on Harry's face as he did.
"Don't blame yourself. You're a good man. And family means so much to you," he said soothingly. He paused and looked away before continuing in a determined voice. "There are things I have to tell you that I know and that my father never wanted me to reveal and that's why he killed my mother and that's why he keeps me from appearing less than sane."
He rose from the bed, standing in front of Harry, silently demanding full-attention.
"Remember when we first met? You told me that your parents died when you were very young and that until you were fifteen you had to live in a witness protection program? See I already knew that. My father, when he was young, joined an organization. I won't tell you if it was bad or good. It doesn't matter. The thing is, they killed your parents. Actually one man did. The leader. I don't know why and I'm guessing that you don't either. But that man is long dead. My father isn't. My father used to be one of two favourites for the leader. He and his best friend were like the chosen ones for this man. His best friend left the organization and didn't tell anyone. I don't know why he did it or how he managed. That's not important either. But my father still believes in the organization and he believes that if it wasn't for your parents Riddle would still be alive. If it wasn't for you the organization wouldn't have fallen apart. My father thinks that if he kills you then he'll make everything right or something."
Harry nodded to all of that information. He accepted it since that was what was expected. He would ponder everything later but for that moment he focussed only on the importance of Draco's story.
"Where do you fit into this?"
Draco made a face that looked remarkably like a cringe. "I'm sorry Harry. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you."
Harry's eyes demanded an explanation.
"Since I'm your age, my father trained me to be his little assassin. When it started to get really out of hand though, one day my mother made the decision to take me away. I wasn't a child. I knew what she was doing and I decided to just appease her. I was still so enthralled with my father. It was an accident when I met you at school. Such a huge accident. It never clicked in my mind who you were until much, much later. My father never told me your name and I guess I had the perfect image in my head of a little rat that deserved to be squashed. My mother told me who you were, right after I told her I loved you. I got mad at her. We fought. My father found out about it all and he sent me letters promising to find you and kill you. And he just kept asking how I could fail him so much. I guess I cracked. It's a little hard to know you love the person you're suppose to kill. Anyway, the rest you know. My father eventually got my mother alone and somehow convinced her that a bullet to her head was better than being alive. I basically made his work easy for him by having a breakdown and he has been visiting me every month immediately before you, just to keep us apart."
Draco stopped the nervous pacing he had begun to do near the middle of his confession. "I'm only asking that you don't hate me now. I might seem sane but I have my moments and I'm not sure if I could stand it."
Instead of the words of anger that Draco expected to hear, Harry instead stood and pulled him into a tight hug.
"Prat," he said softly. "It's not your fault you have a sucky family and bad taste in men."
Draco laughed at that, pulling away slightly to look into Harry's eyes.
"Sometimes I think that we weren't meant to be friends and something went wrong somewhere and it's a mistake, but I'm a little happy that the mistake was made." He smiled teasingly. "I think I'll always be a bit in love with you. Romantically or not. You're just so bloody naive, it's appealing."
Harry gave him a mock glare.
"You worry too much Draco. I've never met your father so I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know what I look like either. In fact I'll enquire about the paperwork I'll need to fill out, as soon as I reach home. I'll make sure that you're released soon and that no one knows where to find you next. I'm pretty good at covering my tracks. I'll protect you." He hugged Draco yet again, savouring the familiar warmth and closeness of his best friend. "What I'm going to have problems with is you being semi-sane. I just can't believe it. God, I am never going to let you get that bad again. I'll bloody shove your medication down your throat if I have to. I'm so glad you'll be okay."
He was grinning so widely when he released Draco that the blond had to return the smile. He was still smiling when Draco hugged him as he stepped out of the room.
In fact, he was so happy that he missed the sad look in Draco's eyes as he left. And he missed the man in the black suit with platinum blond hair with cold light blue eyes that paused to stare at him as he nodded his goodbye to the receptionist. And he was already in his car and driving away, so he missed the shot that rang out in the mental health institution. Which meant that he missed the uproar it caused that allowed the perpetrator to escape.
And, of course, he missed the goodbye that Draco whispered to him as he laid in a pool of blood.
x-x-x
tbc