The Lost Child
Written the Big Friendly Walrus
Inspired by the Blue Yeti
"Holly?"
"What is it, Mulch?"
"I think you should take a look at this."
Holly turned around. In Mulch's arms, wrapped in swaddling clothes, was a bawling baby.
Detective Holly Short and her partner Mulch Diggums were on a case. An anonymous phone call had told Holly to come to the back of Spud's Spud Emporium. Before Holly could say anything, the caller had hung up.
Holly sighed. She looked around at the cramped apartment she shared with Mulch. Two small beds with matching counters took up half of the room. Next to Holly's bed was a picture of Foaly and one of Artemis Fowl and Butler. Next to Mulch's bed was a picture of some grotesque creature that Mulch referred to as 'Mum'. Mulch was gone at the moment.
Holly tried tracing the call but all she got was the phone booth near the Spud Emporium. Could this be a tip on the case she was working on now? She could only hope.
And so the two detectives had gone to Spud's and found…a baby.
"Let me see that." Holly said. She took the baby and held it in her arms. It had hazel eyes. Light brown fuzz covered its head. Its ears were pointed. It was a boy.
"Who would leave a baby—" Holly began.
"Look, he has a note attached to him," said Mulch.
"What's it say?"
"It says 'Please look after him'". Mulch read.
"Who would leave a baby at a place like this?" Holly said as if she hadn't heard. The back of Spud's was even more gruesome than the inside. The sound of buzzing flies around trash was all around them, and the smell of piss and feces filled their noses. "It's a good thing it didn't catch any diseases."
They decided to take the baby to Foaly. Although technically she was no longer a member of the LEP, she still made visits to the centaur (much to Sool's chagrin).
"What is it, Holly?" asked Foaly.
"This." She said, holding out the baby.
Foaly held the infant as if it was a bomb. "Where'd you find it?"
"It's a 'he'." Said Holly. "And we found it by Spud's."
"So what do you want me to do?" Foaly asked.
"Find out its parents, maybe." Holly said. "Someone left a note asking us to look after it, but we simply don't have the time to raise a baby."
"Okay." Foaly said. "But it'll take some time." He took out a small object and placed on the baby's arm. It buzzed for a second and the centaur took it off.
"What was that?" Asked Mulch.
"A small microneedle to get some DNA samples off of him." Foaly explained. He began typing on the computer when a diagram full of complicated numbers and symbols popped up.
"What's that?"
"I have no clue who the parents are right now…but I can tell you one thing. Its half-human."
"Half-human?" Holly asked. "But what would a human—no, it can't be…"
"That's right." Foaly said with a small grin.
"Artemis Fowl!"
Artemis Fowl the second was in the Jacuzzi recently installed into Fowl manor. His fairy communicator went off. "What could she want now?" He asked himself.
He turned it on. "Eh, hello, Captain Short."
Holly's scowling face greeted him. "That's Detective Short to you, mud boy."
"I'm quite busy, Detective Short." Artemis said. "So whatever it is, make it quick."
"Oh no you don't." said Holly. "We need to meet. In person."
"Very well." Artemis sighed. "Will you arrange for me to come down there, or will you—?"
"We'll be seeing you up there." She said. The transmission ended.
Artemis shrugged and slid down into the Jacuzzi. "Ahh…those bubbles feel quite excellent…mmm…"
Later that evening, the doorbell rang.
"That must be them." Said Butler. "I'll get it for you, sir."
"Thank you, old friend." Said Artemis.
Butler opened the door. Holly Short and Mulch Diggums walked in. Holly was carrying an object wrapped in cloth.
"Hi, Butler." Mulch said.
"Hello, Mulch." Butler said.
"What's the meaning of this?" Artemis asked.
"This." Holly said. The bundle in her arms began crying.
"It's a baby." Artemis said.
"Well-spotted." Holly spat.
"What do you want me to do with it?"
"I don't know…he's your son."
Artemis lost his composure and began sputtering. "What? How? Where—?"
Holly explained what happened; the phone call, the baby found at Spud's, and Foaly's determination that it was half-human.
"Oh." Said Artemis. "I see. The baby is half-human and half-fairy. You assume that because I am one of the only humans to ever travel underground that I am its father?"
"Bingo." Holly said.
"So who is the lucky fairy then?" Artemis smirked. "Lili Frond?"
Holly blushed. "Artemis, you have to understand the seriousness of this. A human—"
Artemis bent down to Holly's height and looked into her eyes. "Yes, Captain—er, Private Short. I know. A human has had a baby with a fairy. I know how disastrous this can be for you. But I assure you, I did not do it."
Holly turned away. "Artemis…"
"Look at me." Artemis said. "Look at me, and tell me that I am lying."
Holly did, and she saw. "I'm…I'm sorry, Artemis." That's all she could say.
"I'm its father." Mulch said.
"What?" Holly said.
"I had the baby with a…friend." Mulch sighed. "When the baby was delivered, we realized the implications if it ever got out was disastrous. So I left it at Spud's and left an anonymous call to our detective agency. My friend offered to drop it off at an adoption agency, but if word got out in either world there'd be chaos."
Holly couldn't believe this. "Then who is the mother?"
Butler stepped forward. "I am."
"What?" Artemis this time. "Butler, how could you?"
Butler's face reddened. "Artemis, you have to understand Mr. Diggums and I have had feelings for each other ever since we met. You have to accept that."
"No, I mean literally. How could you have a baby? It's not physically possible."
"Easy." Mulch said. "I'm a hermaphrodite."
"A hermaffawhat?" Holly asked.
"A hermaphrodite is an organism that has both male and female sexual organs." Artemis said a matter-of-factly. "In other words, Holly, Mulch has what you have…down there, I mean."
"Oh."
Butler and Mulch began looking around sheepishly.
Artemis and Holly looked at each other. They both knew what the other was imagining. Mulch lying on top of Butler. Mulch whispering sweet nothings to Butler while Butler ran his fingers through Mulch's hairy back, stroking it ever so delicately while he thrusted and Mulch moaned in—
"Oh Gods!" Holly said, covering her mouth as if she was going to vomit. Her communicator went off. "Hello?"
"Holly?" The computerized voice said. "This is Foaly. I don't know how this is possible, but the baby's parents are—"
"We know, Foaly." Holly said.
"Ah." Foaly said. "Well, um, could you come down here with Artemis? And, um, its parents?"
Underground
Foaly held the baby in his arms. It was asleep, and it looked almost peaceful.
"So what are we going to do?" Holly said, shooting a look at Mulch.
Foaly shrugged. "No one else but us knows about this. I could try modifying its DNA but I've never done it on an infant before. Who knows what would happen?"
"I'll look after it." Butler said. "He'll be safe at the manor. I'm his father, after all."
"One of his fathers." Foaly corrected.
"Yes." Mulch said. "I'll visit as often as I can."
"What are we going to call it?" Butler asked.
"Julius." Holly said suddenly. "You should name it Julius."
"Julius Diggums." Mulch said with a grin. "I like the sound of that."
The End?