A/N: I thought that when I saw the last episode of JAG Bellisario couldn't sink lower...I was wrong. He needs to get off crack.

Disclaimer: Seeing as Kate's dead I'd say I don't own the characters.

next chapter relies souly on reviews.

It was not fair. How could one terrorist take away his life just like that? How could he have LET Ari take away his life like that? She'd had so much to live for, why couldn't he have saved her? Kate had been there for him when he'd been infected with Y. Pestis. Hell, she'd just taken a bullet for Gibbs. She was so selfless that she'd been willing to take the chance that the bullet would be a kill shot to save Gibbs, who'd been wearing his own vest, par her orders. He didn't want to think of what it had done to his emotions, seeing her there on the roof, so sure that she was dead, relieved beyond belief to find she wasn't, just to watch as the second bullet pierced her forehead a moment later. Anthony DiNozzo wasn't sure which was worse, that he hadn't been able to tell Caitlin Todd he loved her while she was alive, or that he hadn't been fast enough to block that bullet.

It was wrong. He shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be going through Kate's desk. As much as he pretended not to care about invading her privacy, he really respected her space. He'd respected everything about her. But, Gibbs needed the desk cleaned out. So, he opened the pen drawer, relived not to find much more than pens, Wite-Out and such, her PDA, and some cosmetics. As he reached the bottom drawer he found a sketchpad, colored pencils, and her checkbook. As he pulled the sketchpad out, he noticed a small white envelope. He was puzzled to find a single word written in Kate's neat cursive writing.

Tony.

Frowning in confusion he pulled out the envelope, carefully opening it. Sitting down in her chair, he began to read.

Tony,

God this fells so weird. I've tried writing this letter so many times, but never got around to it. But, when you got sick the other day, I promised myself that if you survived, which thank god you did, I'd just tell you. But I chickened out, just as I've done a million times before. Which is why I'm writing this anyway. I don't want to die without having kissed you, without ever having known what it's like to wake up to you each morning and go to sleep with you each night. I don't what to be another one of your "hot" girls that you go through like candy. I don't want to change you, I know I can't. I wish you could love me without me having to worry that you'll leave me. That's probably why I chicken out each time I try to tell you. I'm afraid of what it might mean if I do. I don't think I could stand to be one of your flings Tony, I love you too much. I don't want my heart broken. Besides which, I like my job. For one, I get to see your smile every day. If you didn't love me, I'd have to leave. God, listen to me Tony, I sound like a helpless little schoolgirl rather than the NCIS special agent/ex-secret service agent that I am. This is what you do to me. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I guess after seeing you almost die, I realized how dangerous our job is. I'm not afraid of dieing. I am, however, afraid of dieing without knowing that you know, or at least will know how much I love you. Though, I guess the point is kind of moot, because there's no way words can express that. You make my life hell, not to mention Gibbs', McGee's, Abby's, and Ducky's, but, by some unexplainable twist of fate, you also make it heaven. I only wish I'd had the courage to tell you while I was alive.

I'll love you 'til I die (and after)

KATE

P.S. Like your ego really needs the boost this letter will provide

Tony felt a smile tug at his lips, which was ironic seeing as he felt like crying. In fact, Tony got up, quickly going to the bathroom. Locking himself in one of the stalls, he did something he hadn't done in a while- he cried.