"Ray" Kai said suddenly without moving from his position. His voice shook as he continued, finally accepting that this was not something that he could handle on his own.

"Ray, It's eating away at me and I….I….need to talk" Kai closed his eyes, concentrating on forcing the words out. This was unbelievably hard for him to do; he'd never thought that he would ever ask for help from anyone. It just wasn't his way; he would handle everything himself even if it caused himself discomfort.

But this, this was different and he couldn't cope with it anymore. It felt like his head was on fire with all the different memories and emotions that he had fought to hide. Every time a new memory came, it would explode it his head with all the different emotions and most likely blood or pain that the memory held.

Ray nodded in an understanding way.

"I'm here to listen."

------------------------------------

Kai gripped the sides of his mug tightly. His grey bangs hid his face from view, hiding any possible emotions that might cause him to seem more weak than necessary. He hesitated in continuing but a warm spot near his heart egged him on. It could only be Dranzer, that interfering bird. It always amused him how much his bitbeast cared for him.

"I've been having these dreams, only they're not dreams. They're memories, memories that I hadn't remembered until I dreamt them."

Ray looked confused, "I thought that you'd remembered you're past the last time we were in Russia." He said softly.

"So did I, or as much as I thought I could remember anyway." Kai shot a quick glance at Ray and was reassured at how calm and understanding he looked. He focused on the dark depths of his swirling coffee as he continued.

"My memory was patchy in areas, but I still figured that was alright. A blessing really considering the sorts of stuff that I did remember." Kai closed his eyes, determined to just concentrate on the words. That might make what he had to say easier. Although what Ray might think of him after he had heard from him still nagged at him.

'He's your friend, he'll understand' insisted Dranzer.

The edges of Kai's mouth twitched into a halfhearted smile at that. The word friend still seemed foreign to him. The smile disappeared as Kai continued.

"Only this stuff, the things that I'm remembering now are even worse. And although my past is almost complete in my mind now, I have a feeling that what is to come next will be even worse than anything before." Kai paused again, not sure how to continue.

"So what was in that dream which you had just now?" Ray knew that this was a very rare time that Kai would want to talk about his past. So the more information he got in this crucial time the better.

"I was six, I was training at the abbey. They had been training me for a long time. I don't know how many months or years, but it felt like forever. A big part of the teaching was to make me emotionless. That way they figured that I would be rid of the weakness that emotion brings, plus easier to control." The last part was said in a bitter voice.

Flashback

The slate haired child launched his blade into the dish again. His arm ached from pulling the ripcord so many times. His head rang as he watched his blade spin alone in the dish, every time he made a small mistake in his launch Boris would hit him and make him launch again. His entire body was sore from lack of sleep and the bruises that riddled his small frame.

He hated these solo training sessions. Boris's breath was hot on his back as the man waited for the child to make one small mistake that would enable him to hit him again. The child hid a shiver at the adult being so close to him. Kai was more afraid of Boris than anything else in the world. Although he forced himself not to show it, that would only lead to more punishment.

Maybe there was one other person who he feared as much as Boris. Kai knew something bad was going to happen as soon as he noticed his grandfather standing in the doorway.

"Boris, bring the boy over here" the child shivered in fear as Boris dragged him along by the arm. Dranzer was left still spinning in the dish.

End Flashback

"I guess that they wanted to test me to see if I was completely void of emotions or not. Boris and Voltaire took me to one of the cells; they pushed me in one and stood in the doorway. They explained that this was a simple test, that if I passed then I could go to sleep. It was past midnight, and I had been training for about eighteen hours straight. I was exhausted, and I only noticed the sack in the corner after it started making noises. Then they gave me the knife…"

Flashback

The child looked with confusion at the object in his hand. The knife felt reassuringly heavy in his small fist. He held it loosely, scared of the sharpness of the metal. He knew what damage a knife could do.

"This is very simple Kai" Voltaire said calmly "Just a quick test, now open the sack."

Kai nodded politely and pulled open the rough brown sack. Out poked a small black nose, sniffing at the air warily. Then came a light yellow head, and then finally the rest of the body as this small puppy looked curiously at its new surroundings. Inwardly the child became even more confused, he had not been out of the abbey for a very long time. So the word puppy was slow to form in his brain. He tilted his head slightly in curiosity at what this familiar looking creature was. The puppy tilted his head in the same fashion, gazing up at Kai with equal curiosity.

"Now kill it" Voltaire ordered, not noticing the exchange.

Kai nodded once again, his head spinning with tiredness. He knelt down on the floor, to make his job easier. He'd never killed anything before, but he figured that it couldn't be too hard. After all he'd seen it done before. He frowned in confusion at this thought. Who? He wondered, but like always that memory stayed just out of reach.

He positioned the knife over the puppy's heart, that would be the easiest way to kill it he decided. He reached his other hand out to hold the animal still while he did as his grandfather had ordered. To his surprise the golden puppy licked his shaking hand, making him falter.

The child stared at the nuzzling puppy as if seeing it for the first time. This was ridiculous; he had a knife headed to stab into the creature's heart. And yet when Kai looked into the animal's wide eyes he saw no hate there, only a child-like trust. A trust that Kai himself had lost long ago.

"Kai, be quick and kill it so that we can all get some sleep."

Kai didn't break his gaze with the puppy. This was so odd; this awkward creature was stirring up feelings of innocence within him. Suddenly he realised something that surprised him, he didn't want to kill this helpless animal. It wasn't so much that, than that it mattered to him what he wanted. He hadn't wanted a lot of what they put him through, but he hadn't had a choice. Until now.

Lowering the knife he said the one word that he knew would cause him a world of pain.

"No."

End Flashback

"I was only six, and stupid enough to refuse. I mean, it was only a puppy, and maybe…maybe it would have been better if I had just obeyed Voltaire. They were mad of course, but I had the knife and I used it to keep them away from us. I knew that I couldn't keep them away forever, but since I knew what would happen if they got a hold of me. I was stubborn. They threatened me with all the punishments that they could think of, but it was nothing that I hadn't been through before. So I still refused to kill it, I was just a little kid and I wanted…I wanted to protect it as silly as that sounds. I wanted it to be my friend even though back then I wasn't sure what a friend was, then they brought him in…"

Flashback

The child clutched the breathing bundle to his chest, holding the puppy close to make sure it remained safe. His eyes never left the men in front of him, he held the knife up threateningly. Tears burned at the corners of his eyes, but he would not let them fall. That would be weak, and he would not allow that even though he knew that he and the puppy were as good as dead anyway.

"I ask you to do one simple thing Kai." His grandfather was mad; but at least he was keeping his distance for now. Kai wished once again that he had not left Dranzer in the training room; he could really use her help about now. Even though he felt the presence of her near his heart, she was still too far away to help. He was on his own.

Yelling came from the corridor outside the cell. Then a man was pushed into the dimly lit room. Voltaire caught him swiftly in a firm hold and placed a gun to the man's head. The man looked to be only in his early twenties, to say that he was scared was an understatement. He wore a white lab coat that stood out against his otherwise black clothing. His short brown hair shone with sweat, and his dark eyes were wide with fear.

The young man seemed to still as he recognised the boy stood in front of him. Despite the muzzle of the gun pressing into his temple, the man's expression changed to one of pity instead of fear. He appeared genuinely worried for the child, most of all he seemed sad. Sad that he couldn't help the child.

Voltaire smiled evilly at being in control again. "You have a choice Kai" Voltaire growled, his finger tightening over the trigger to enhance his point.

End Flashback

"His name was Marc, he worked at the abbey as a doctor there. He had been hired straight out of med school, so he hadn't known what he was getting into. Whenever a student needed medical care that they themselves couldn't take care of, like strapping broken bones or putting a dislocated shoulder back into place. They would be sent to Marc, and he would fix them enough so that they could attend training. I was there a lot when I was younger. He never really talked to me, but he always acted kind.

He was a good man, much too good to be in the abbey. Once he had found out about what went on in the abbey, he began to document. He'd take notes of my wounds and pictures as well. In the rare times that he did dare to speak to me, he'd record on an audiocassette him trying to get me to say what had happened. Sometimes I'd speak, and other times I wouldn't.

He was found that night when he was just planning to go to the police with the evidence he had collected. Marc was not a friend, but he was a good man with a wife and kids and he'd tried to help me for which I was grateful. I couldn't let him die like that, so I killed the puppy. I remember that its fur was a pale colour because of how the blood stood out against it…"

Flashback

The child placed the dead puppy gently on the floor. He had been a fool to think that he could save it from its fate. At least it wouldn't have to suffer anymore, which defiantly could not be said for his own case. He stared at the gleaming liquid on the knife as it dripped down the handle to cover his already blood coated hands with more blood.

"That wasn't so hard was it Kai?"

The six year old shivered at his grandfather's voice. He'd just killed the first creature that had trusted him. No matter the dark tortures of the abbey, he was still only a six-year-old child. He had been shown a puppy and despite the impossibility of the situation he'd wanted to keep it, to have it as a friend. And now his grandfather had made him kill it, it wasn't fair.

"Now give me the knife Kai."

Kai looked one final time at the knife, wondering what he'd be able to see reflected in the metal if the blood wasn't in the way. If he'd be able to see all the emotions that were battling inside him betrayed on his face. Then with a feeling of deep regret he passed the weapon to Voltaire, slightly relieved that the adult had put the gun away. Although he still had Marc firmly held onto, his grandfather's grip was hard to break. Kai knew that from first hand experience, he felt odd that he had killed something. It didn't seem right that something could be alive one minute then so easily dead the next.

At least now Marc would be all right, that was what his grandfather had promised him. Marc wouldn't be killed if he would just kill the puppy, and he had done that. Kai might not be ok, but at least Marc would.

Kai grew uneasy at the smile on Voltaire's face as the man examined the knife. A cold feeling grew in his stomach as the man he called grandfather placed a knife to Marc's throat. Time seemed to slow down as Kai realised what was going to happen. He caught Marc's gaze and knew from the man's eyes that he knew what was happening as well.

A quick slash was all it took, and then Marc's throat was opened to spurt his precious life's blood across the room. Kai was covered in it, even though he didn't seem to notice this at first. He just stood still, numb as Voltaire allowed the dying man to slump to the floor. He barley heard the words his grandfather said as he left the cell.

"You belong to me Kai. Never forget that, you disobey one of my orders again and you know how easy it is for me to kill you."

It was true Kai realised as he collapsed to his knees, his legs unable to hold him up any longer. His grandfather could kill him any time that he wanted, and who would know? Who would even care?

Marc had cared and he had paid because of it.

The darkness smothered the child as he sat in the cold of the cell. He listened numbly to the last gurgling breaths of the man who had died because of him. His grandfather had broken his promise, it wasn't fair. The silence rung loud in his ears, everyone in the cell was dead apart from him. He only just felt dead.

It wasn't fair, it never would be.

End Flashback

"I guess that was the first day I really started to use the mask I used to hide my emotions. To hide myself as well…" Kai trailed off, amazed at how much he had said.

Ray seemed pretty amazed as well, but in a good way. What Kai had said was pretty frightening, as well as sad. But the fact that he was trusting Ray with his past, to help him with his past was phenomenal.

"And you were only six, that's harsh. I didn't realise something as bad as that happened to you." Ray said quietly, still stunned.

"Its only one memory" Kai said awkwardly, knowing that as bad as that had been it hadn't stopped, or even started there. He felt relieved that he had told someone something. It had felt that all of his memories had been crushing him, but now it was like some of that load had been lifted.

"By the way" Kai continued, in his monotone. "The others don't have to listen at the door all night."

Ray looked up startled and saw that Kai was right, four very sheepish heads poked around the door. Obviously very embarrassed at being caught, they stepped into the room muttering apologies. Apparently they hadn't managed to stay asleep for long and had got up to hear the conversation.

"You don't mind Kai?" Hilary asked cautiously.

"Ray would tell you eventually anyway, so there's not much difference." Kai said dismissively.

"In that case, we want to know everything. All of your past." Tyson demanded.

"Please Kai" Max said softly at seeing the doubt in Kai's expression, "It will make you feel better."

"I'm not sure that there's that much to tell." Kai argued weakly.

"You know we only want to help, don't you Kai?" Hilary said, trying to smile reassuringly.

"I know" Kai agreed, unable to meet her eyes. "Fine" he sighed.

Tell me what you think by reviewing.

Thank you very much for the reviews i have got so far. I love getting reviews.