Disclaimer- Not mine.
Monuments and Melodies
Chapter Ten- Guilt
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The porch was where he found her, straight and cold as she looked out across the moor. The wind picked up her flaming hair, twisting and turning it while it whipped across her cheeks. Her sleeves, still rolled up, showed off the pale white of her arms, one across her stomach gripping the other elbow. She was not crying now, and the remains of water on her cheeks were giving a pasty look.
For this instant, Severus thought, she was beautiful even in such a grim and morbid way.
He approached, "Miss Weasley?"
She did not look at him, her brown eyes still scanning the horizon, "I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"I thought I was ready. I was stupid."
"You're not stupid, Miss Weasley," said Snape, "A bit foolish, maybe, but never stupid."
He could see the smile rising on her lips, "Foolish, yes, I always was the foolish one- Charlie the unique, Charlie the adventurous, Percy the ambitious, Fred and George the mischievous, Ron the loyal, and poor little Ginny. Ginny the foolish. It's a worthy title."
"I did not mean it in that way."
"No?" she asked, "Well, you hit the nail on its head." Her voice was suddenly grimmer than he had ever known it to be. He had herd the regret or fright or even the bitterness, but never the grim range in which she was speaking now, "Ginny the foolish, who couldn't know the difference between a friend and a Dark Lord."
"You were eleven."
"I was twenty-two," she corrected plainly, "And I succumbed like the eleven year old I once was."
Severus was not confused, "What are you talking about?"
She sighed, "Don't you know?"
"I'm sorry Miss Weasley. You'll have to specify for me," That famous intimidating tone was coming back to his voice.
"How do you think he knew? How do you think he found the real prophesy? How do you think he knew about the attack?" she paused, "How do you think he knew you were a spy?"
For the first time since he had approached, she looked at him- water mingling in her eyes along with something else. Regret?
"You sold us out." It was a statement, not a question.
"Yes," she murmured, turning away and tilting her face up to the sky, "I sold you out… and I hate it. I hate what I did, but there's nothing to change it now. I don't care if you hate me. I don't care if anyone else does. You can tell them. It won't change anything. I sold you out and I would do it again."
He knew the last part was not malicious or evil. It was not a threat or a dare. It was simply a fact. If she had to live through it all again, she would make the same choices- the same mistakes. And that, he figured, was killing her- eating her with guilt… as it was killing him.
Years ago, Severus had given up his soul, mind and body to Lord Voldemort, and he regretted it to this day. And even though he told himself, under the same circumstances, his choice would be different, he knew it was a lie and a huge one at that. Under the same circumstances, a dark mark would still pollute his skin.
And maybe that's why he understood
"I'm not going to tell anybody," he said finally.
"Why?"
"It's not worth it."
She seemed to accept this with her companionable silence. And they were companions, in the quiet moment, as the wind flew across their pale knowing faces. They were in the same boat- both guilty of crimes they had committed in their own foolishness. Crimes that would never go away.
"Why don't we go back?" Severus said at last.
"Where?"
"Grimmauld Place."
Ginny stopped to look at him for a moment, "Yes, alright."
"Hold on."
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The next morning found Ginny sitting at the kitchen table as he had seen her so many times before. She was looking down, staring into her tea like it held the answer to all her questions, and Severus knew she had questions. Questions like he had himself.
"Good morning," he said, walking over to the stove to pour his own cup of tea. The red head nodded in greeting.
"Good morning, Professor," she said groggily. Severus could tell she had been up all night.
"How to you feel?" The Potions Master asked as he leaned against the counter. She lifted her eyes to look at him.
"Atrocious."
Severus took a sip from his cup, "As I would assume…" he let his eyes wander the room for a moment, "Has the paper come?"
"Remus took it," she said, "There was something in it he didn't want me to see."
Somewhat taken back at this answer, Severus turned his head to her. She sat still as ever, her eyes never leaving the cup and the pout never fading from her lips.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
Ginny finally took a swig from her drink, gasping as she swallowed. Severus noticed, as the cup fell back to the table and liquid fell up in protest, that it was neither tea nor coffee she was drinking, "It means," she began with a bitter taste to her words, "that they have sentenced my brother to the Dementor's Kiss, and the kind professor wishes not to distress me so as not to worsen my condition."
Severus came closer to her, but she did not seem to notice. She only took another swallow of her brown drink, smacking her lips at the foul taste. In her old little world- it almost reminded Severus of how she used to act as a student, "Miss Weasley, what are you drinking?"
She looked up at him with a quizzical sulk, "Firewhisky," she answered plainly, going to take another sip. Severus, however, was fairly quick and grabbed the mug out of her hands before the china touched her pale lips.
"I am almost sure that Firewhisky is not the ideal beverage for a recovering war victim," he hissed, putting the mug under his nostrils to make sure nothing else had been added to the drink. He scrunched his large nose at the sour smell.
"Victim?" she scoffed wearily, "Now that's rich."
"Miss Weasley-"
"It's not like I did anything to help any of you" she continued, cutting Severus off.
"Miss-"
"I sold you-"
"Virginia-" he said, getting louder.
"-out-"
"-Quiet, girl-"
"-A victim who couldn't get-"
"-Quiet-"
"-get away from-"
"-Quiet!"
"-you fast enough-"
"-QUIET!" Severus exploded, smashing the cup into the ground.
"It should be me under that hood, not him!" The red head barked back, but it was not in anger. It was in despair. As she stood, hands bracing the table, he could see her true feelings mingling in her eyes- the disgust, the loathing, and it was saved only for herself. He knew, because he felt the same for his own being.
He had known. He had known of her betrayal from the beginning. She was an open book. There was no difficulty in seeing through her glazed looks and excusive mumbles. The mysterious absences, the returning fights, her prevailing interest in the Order's present work- yes, Severus had known.
And then, he had seen her there- entering the throng of black, her gray cloak simmering with moonlight. Her hair dark and flowing looked like cool blood, framing the pale face that had been enraptured with her new master. Oh, how well he had known.
Severus had his suspicious about her character at the time, but the confirmation had set him in outrage. Infuriated, distraught he had flown to Albus, calling her out for the traitor she was. And Albus- Albus who should have been grateful, who should have given the Order justice for her wrongdoings- sat impassive as he listened to Severus's case. And finally, as Severus finished, breathless and heaving, the old man spoke.
"I know."
Those two simple words obliviated and glory Severus might have been expecting. In disbelief and horror he managed to spit, "And you have done nothing?"
Yes, Dumbledore- Order of Merlin First Class, Head of the Wizigot, Headmaster of Hogwarts, and the only man Severus Snape had grown to trust- had done nothing. He had done nothing about the traitor who was out there now, killing innocent people with the information she had collected.
Severus had bellowed and shouted, demanding the explanation he so desperately needed. Surely there must be justice, surely there must be punishment.
And Dumbledore had only answered as illusively as before, "If I was to make an example of her, as you wish, I would be no different than him."
The statement had silenced Severus, the soft words echoing with some sort of logic. Dumbledore would not stoop to his level.
"Surely something must be done to stop her?" the potions master had said finally, still upset, still in anger.
And Dumbledore had responded, "Tell me, Severus, is the guilt you carry on your shoulders not fine enough a punishment for the crimes you have committed?"
It was true. Guilt wracked his body everyday, leaving him in torture and anguish as memories of his wrongdoings weaved through his mind. Guilty for the things he had done- guilty that he would not be aptly punished. Yes, guilt from lack of punishment was suffering enough. How twisted it truly was.
"Guilt can change the tide of any sea," the wiser man added with a distant twinkle in his eye, "One must only wait for the moon to rise in the sky."
It was only now, as this small, sullen girl stood before him that he truly felt the impact of this statement. And so, instead of responding with fury, with discipline like the professor he was, he could only murmur his reply.
"Miss Weasley, I think you have already received punishment enough for your wrongdoings."
This was not the answer she was expecting. Brown eyes widened in surprise, "What?"
"There can only be one thing worse than the kiss."
The red head's eyes darkened in bitterness once more, "Pray tell," she hissed.
"The secure warmth of feeling nothing or the continuous anguish you feel now- what would you choose?"
Once again he had caught her off guard. Looking down, Ginny remained silent a moment, "I would have nothingness."
"Then you would have chosen the kiss," he said, "Do not doubt it. You suffer in punishment enough. May you feel only guiltier for wishing the easy path out of hell."
The girl's eyes were wide, looking at him in horror and realization. He had only made her pain worse, but then again, it was only what she deserved. She looked down and away, mumbling, "Forgive me."
Severus shook his head, "Only you have that power," he said, "And remember Miss Weasley, one may excuse themselves- forgive themselves per say- but one must never forget."
Ginny looked dazed, angry to an extent. She was not ahppy with his answer and she told him that with her heavy eyes, "How could I? How could I forget?" Her voice rose, quavering, "How can I forget the pain- glowing red hot, not knowing whether I was hearing my screams or theirs? How can I forget their faces contorted in their agony as I stood by in vague interest- in vague disgust – in vague enjoyment? How can I forget the rush of power? How can I forget it glowing through by fingertips, my hold over anything and everyone when I never even lifted a hand? It was my voice, raised high above the others- for once bringing victory to someone- even if it was the wrong side, even if it was only for destruction and the dominance of hatred. I had power, I had passion, and I had myself. I was everything and anything. I was one and I was in pieces, and I will never, ever feel that way again." Breathless, tired, her mouth fell open again as a tear dripped down her cheek., "And I will never forget their eyes. Their eyes speaking the last words of their soul as I caught them in my arms, lifeless and limp except for their glorious eyes… No, I could not forget."
Severus remained quiet. This girl was his younger self. It frightened him, disgusted him and yet, it gave him hope. For if she could get better, so could he. Hopefully, so could he.
"Then, Miss Weasley, you are on the right path."
The two stayed in silence for a long time, never looking up, never speaking. They were both deep in thought, and Severus could tell from the twisted look on her face, Ginny was suffering through guilt more than ever before. It was she who broke the silence.
"May I see him?" Her eyes heavy with tears, Severus nodded.
"I will arrange it."
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A/N- There's nothing I can do to make up for my horrible, horrible absence. My boyfriend recently was in an accident and I could not bring myself to write. The experience has changed me a lot, and that will probably be reflected in my writing.
Some may not be happy with the twist to this chapter, but it has been planned out all along and by no means is Ginny evil or was she ever. Her reasons will be explained more in depth throughout the story.
I'd like to thank my wonderful reviewers! Hopefully I haven't lost you after all this time! I swear this sort of thing will never happen again, and I hope you keep reading and reviewing all the same!
PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW!