What Cannot Be Undone

Part One: And So We Began.

No, the answer is no. That is if the question is weather or not I ever thought that this would be where I was today. Or perhaps the question is deeper, did I know that this would happen? Did I understand what I was doing? I don't think I did. Some may disagree but won't someone always? Not everyone will be on your side all of the time, even your best friends eventually have to weigh the pros and cons, and the- what- went- wrongs and the where- are- we- nows. Every now and then there are certain things that cannot be undone. Some things aren't meant to be. Some endings aren't happy, and sometimes people hurt other people, even when they don't mean to.

We aren't living a fairy tale. No one is perfect; to be without fault is to be filled with fault so either way you are screwed. The wall is tall, the trench is wide, the wound is deep, there may be no way over, across, or to heal this time. Maybe that is for the best. Too many times people have so many last chances they don't appreciate them, they don't try to change, and they stay the same and wait to ask for one more last chance.

No this time, this is it. I have had my final last chance, and I blew it. I am not surprised it is pretty par for the course. At this point in my life I think that I should know better, but am growing more convinced that you can't teach old dogs new tricks. Perhaps, I will never be the perfectly pooch to sit loyally at ones side and hang on every word. Maybe I am the bad dog that chews on shoes, and tears up furniture. The proverbial Bull in the china closet as it were.

She had every right to tell me to leave. And I had no right to beg her to stay. I guess, to tell you what happened I have to start at the beginning. It wasn't my choice to even go to Stars Hollow, Connecticut. I was 17 and apparently out of control even now for some reason I don't want to admit it. I want to write my actions off as a misread youth, a mostly good kid, misunderstood and misguided. It wasn't Lizzy's fault she did what she could and what she knew. Unfortunately with her mom passing when she was so young Liz didn't learn the subtleties of parenthood. There were no limits, no rules, and eventually that kind of environment made a kid lash out, just to make sure he was noticed. That's my story and I am sticking to it. Imagine my surprise when after an incident with a hot wired car and a joy ride that lasted two days she had my bags packed and on the next bus to live with my Uncle whom, I barely knew.

Luke, what can I say about my Uncle Luke. He is a good man, a kind man and a patient man. He is loyal and trustworthy, gentle and strong. He is the kind of man that women love, to have as a friend. Rough around the edges, but he really fooled no one. I hated him the moment I stepped off that bus, but I would have hated anyone that showed up that day. Even if he had stood in front of me wearing a Metallica T-shirt smoking a cigarette and offering me a beer, I would have hated him. That was were I was at the time, I couldn't see past my anger.

I found his attempt at parenthood almost as laughable as Lizzys, he was uncomfortable in his newly given roll. Granted I didn't make it easier on him by keeping our initial conversations to a three word maximum. I could sense his uneasiness and I fed off it and used it to my advantage. It also worked out for me that Luke was fascinated with and totally enamored by one Lorelai Gilmore. Mother of the reason you and I are having this talk.

The first time I saw her she was sitting in her room, doing homework at her laptop looking like someone out of a perfect child catalogue. I wasn't sure what to make of it, no one could really be that perfect could they? So I tested her with the good 'ol let's-get-the-hell-out-of-here routine. Her true colors came shining through. She wouldn't have anything to do with my plan yet she didn't react in the way I would have suspected either. The truest of the true goodie-goodies would have ratted me and my evil plan out, planted that seed of distrust in every ones mind before I had a chance to do it myself. Rather, she choose to just give me the con side of her always present pro/con list. It seemed that with every thought that Rory had there was a list to go with it. She was well read, educated and just plain smarter than an girl I had ever laid eyes on. I wondered to myself how long it would be before the pro and con list she would make for me would start to compile.

It didn't turn out to be that long.

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Do I have something here? Lemme know.