Thanks go to Kirsty .....nice to have you back from holidays....yay!!!
Missed your valuable input!!
And of course Darcy....who I've handed by bad beta habits onto.changing
text as we like it!!!
~~~Chapter Seven~~~
~~Lost In Regret~~
Dinner was an affair to remember. Sitting across from him at dinner, Buffy couldn't look him in the eye, not even once. She refused to meet his worried glances at her, full of need to know that she was okay and didn't regret what had happened between them. But it was clear to him that she did. Her mannerisms told the truth of the matter. Even Dawn's kicks under the table couldn't detract Buffy from looking at her, or Spike. Buffy looked either at her mother or her food all night. Even Joyce had picked up on her daughter's disinterest in the meal, and the company at the table.
"Buffy dear, are you feeling alright?" A concerned mother asked her daughter.
"Yeah mom, I'm just not hungry."
"Is something wrong sweetheart? Has something happened?"
With this question from her mother, Buffy couldn't help but look at him. She saw the hurt that lay within his eyes. Her mother caught the obvious interplay between the two at the table, and became greatly concerned about both of them. Something was going on between the two, that was obvious, but what Joyce didn't have a clue.
"No mom, may I be excused please?" Buffy asked of her mother.
"Yes, but are you sure that you're okay?"
"Yeah mom, I just need to go to bed I think, and have an early night."
"Buffy it's only 8.30! You never go to bed before 11.00!" Dawn joined in the conversation, knowing exactly why her sister was trying to escape.
"Will you just leave it!!" Buffy retorted.
"Okay, okay, sorry!" Dawn tried to retreat from the stare of her sister.
"Alright girls!! Buffy before you leave say goodnight to our guests." Joyce requested.
"Good night Spike" Buffy looked at him for a second, giving all her attention to Imogen instead, she brushed the baby's hair back, and kissed her goodnight, "Sleep well angel".
With that Buffy began the retreat up to her room, in an attempt to get as far away as she could, from the cause of her regret. Closing the door behind her, she shut herself from everything and everyone out in the world, and entered into the safe haven of her room. A place she couldthink about everything that had happened to her, what had happened today, and what was going to happen in the future.
The gambit of emotions swelled over her as she lay on her bed. She thought about the incident with Riley, all those months ago, telling Spike about it tonight, and what impact their passionate kiss had upon her. She just felt so mixed up about everything; had never felt so lost within herself, and it was getting worse everyday. But the worst thing she felt was the regret she felt about kissing him, but it wasn't the type of regret that she knew she should be feeling.
It was regret that she couldn't continue.
She'd let her fear control her for so long, that rejecting a man had become second nature, and when she'd pulled away from Spike, it had been the part of her that had been attacked cringing inside her. That was what she regretted, not being able to truly enjoy the kiss, his touch and his obvious attraction to her. Deep down she'd already acknowledged her desire for him, despite whatever obstacles may present themselves in front of them, she wanted him. More than wanted him, she desired him and was beginning to feel deep emotions for him.
And he'd called himself 'damaged', what a fine pair they'd make, she was just as 'damaged'.
Buffy realised that it would take patience and trust from both of them to have any chance. It was time to confront the emotions, that had controlled her life for so long. Memories of that night in Spike's bedroom came hurtling back, his pain and sorrow echoing in her thoughts, as she planned her freedom. These memories put a screaming stop on any plan to get involved with him. A few months ago he was so overwhelmed with his grief, that it had consumed him before her very eyes, and now he was kissing her with such a passion that it had burned her.
How can someone have such conflicting emotions? She thought that she was emotionally stunted, and he had just seemed to move on too quickly for her liking. Buffy shook her head, as all these ideas swirling around in her head. Her mind screamed with all the conflicting emotions, all she wanted was to move forward, too move away from the bleak darkness that had ruled her for so long, and had held her back. She wanted to be free from this rollercoaster ride, it made her sick of this life, never standing still, with it hurtling up and down everyday.
So she made a decision. A decision she hoped that she'd never live to regret, and something she was going to fight her being for.......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike helped Joyce clear the table. After Buffy's defection the conversation had become even more stagnated, silence had hung in the air between all those left at the table. Dawn had quickly departed after her sister, hiding in the lounge room to play with Imogen, to avoid any awkwardness that remained after her sister's departure. The two in the kitchen discussed everything from the weather, to new nappy rash powders on the market, but the chit chat came to an end, as Joyce made it clear she wanted to discuss something serious with Spike.
"Spike, I think it's time that we had a talk, don't you think?"
"About what ?" Spike tried to keep it as friendly as he could.
"I think that's obvious young man!"
"Ummmm Joyce, I think that you'd better just tell me what on earth you are talking about?"
"Well as if you didn't know?"
"Joyce I promise you, I don't know what you're talking about?"
"The crush, young man!"
"Crush......" Spike was speechless. How could have Joyce guessed that he felt something for her daughter? But then again dinner had been a dead give away. All the avoidance Buffy had thrown his way had made it obvious to a blind man, that something was going on between them. "Please Joyce!! I promise you that nothing has happened....well nothing serious yet."
"Yet, what the hell do you mean 'yet'! She's only a little girl!!"
"It was just a kiss, Joyce please, be reasonable!! She is not a little girl, she's a young woman!" Spike tried to defend Buffy the best he could.
"You are too old for her...you're sick!!"
"I know that I'm older........hey wait. I'm not talk...."
"Get out! Get out and don't come back into my house again!", Joyce grabbed Spike by the collar of his shirt, and attempted to throw him out of the house.
"MOM!!!" Dawn ran into the kitchen with Imogen in her arms.
"Go to your room Dawn, NOW!"
"Mom it's not me okay! He's not going on about me...his talking about Buffy." Joyce stopped what she was doing, hearing her daughter's words, "He likes Buffy mom, not me!"
"Oh my, oh my..." Joyce was speechless at her actions towards Spike, "This doesn't make it any better Spike, she's still a child!"
"I know Joyce, god don't you think that I know that!" Spike tried to control his anger towards himself, and the situation he'd gotten himself into.
Imogen began to scream her lungs out, she felt her fathers' distress, she wanted him and she wanted him now! Leaning out of Dawns' arms towards her father, Spike pulled her into his embraced and tried to calm her down. He smoothed her hair down, kissing her forehead, and whispered to her soft words of reassurance. This was not the time or place to discuss this.
"Joyce, please not now! Imogen's tired, can I suggest that we discuss this at another time. That we sleep on it tonight, please! I need to give her a bath and put her to bed." Spike pulled open the backdoor, "Joyce, I do care for your daughter, I know that. I think she needs me as much as I need her, and she's old enough to know what she wants. I am a man, Joyce, not a monster and I wouldn't hurt her for anything!"
Spike opened the door and stormed out, not even to think about picking up the baby's things. He ran back to his own home, trying to open the front door, dropping the keys, he picked them up swearing to himself; eventually he got the door open, and slammed it behind him.
Nobody could heard the steps in the Summers' house creak as a single figure retreated up them, back into her room, closing the door behind her.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike bathed his daughter in her bath, reflecting on tonight's events; over and over they replayed themselves in his mind. He just couldn't ignore what he felt anymore, and now that he knew that Buffy had regretted what had happened in her backyard, he didn't know what to think. His heart felt like it had been ripped out again, and he just wanted to smash something, break it into little pieces like his heart. He finally was being released from his prison of grief, only to find himself denied what he truly desired and needed.
He just didn't get it, Buffy had seemed to take pleasure in their kiss, and had responded to him, until she'd pulled away from his caress, that he did understand. But her response to him at dinner he didn't understand. Was she afraid that he may do the same thing as the man who had hurt her, or was she just afraid of herself? He'd made it clear to her that he would do what she wanted, that he wouldn't cross the line if she didn't want to, that she made the boundaries, and that he would never cross them, unless she said so.
Or had he? He tried to remember what he'd exactly said to her, but he could only remember the feel of her arms around him and her lips on his, and the passion that had burned between them. If anything was clearer to him it was that she was what he wanted, and he would do anything to have her.
Anything.
He picked up his little girl, drying her as he moved to her room, changing her into her pyjamas and putting her in her cot to sleep. He arranged her on her back, at the bottom of the cot, covering her with a light blanket and turned on the baby monitor, as he left the room. He went to his own room, as the night was a write off, he couldn't wind down from the nights events, and he decided that a shower was in order. Maybe it would relieve some tension he felt in his head, with the on coming stress headache, that was starting at the front of his temples.
Undressing and turning on the shower, he waited until the water was just right and climbed into the shower stall, closing the clear glass door behind him. He stepped into the spray and let the water cascade down his body, allowing it to envelope his whole body. Putting his head under the spray, he never heard the rocks hit the window, or hit the floor from the bathroom adjoining his bedroom. Nor did he hear someone climbing up the rose trellis, and swear as they got caught in the thorns of the rose bush, as they reached the second story of the house.
Buffy slowly lifted the window sill the rest of the way up, from the middle of the pane, where she'd found it. Trying not to make a noise as she did it, she poked her head through the window, trying to see if Spike was in bed. All the lights were of in the house, except for what appeared to be a lamp in the master bedroom.
Taking a huge risk and leap of faith, she'd decided to climb the trellis to confront Spike, and soothe some of her fears about them. But most importantly, talk to him about the decision she'd made regarding them, and most importantly about herself. Seeing that he wasn't in bed, she could hear water running in the en-suite, she contemplated her next move, and attempted to turn around to retreat back down the way she came. She lost her footing and grabbed hold of the window sill, loosing her nerve, she realised she had only one option and she took it.
Climbing through the window she entered the bedroom, moving the sheer curtain aside, to allow her further entry into the room. It looked the same as it had before, the bed was made, a few clothes lay strewn on the floor, and yet something was missing. It struck Buffy instantly, it was his wedding portrait, the one in the crystal frame, and it was gone. Instead pictures of Imogen were everywhere, on every available space laid a picture of his little girl.
Taking this all in, she could still hear the water running in the next room, taking a deep breath, she took a step in the direction of the door between the rooms, and placed her hand on the door knob. Gathering all the strength she could, she fought all the fear that came to the surface, she'd made a choice, wrong or right, she had to try and over come every dark emotion. With an inner resolve she turned the handle, and opened the door as quietly as she could...........
~~Chapter Eight~~
~~~Reflections In Innocent Eyes~~~
He was lost in his thoughts when he heard the bathroom door open, instantly his thoughts went to Imogen, he thought the worst. There was an intruder in his home, hidden behind the door, '~Please don't let them hurt my little girl~', his instincts were going into kill mode. The door opened more just too a small crack, reflecting in his shaving mirror attached to the shower wall, he watched the door reveal his intruder.
Buffy.
She stood just behind the door, staring at him in the shower, her eyes wide and innocent. Not wanting to scare her off, he continued to wash himself, and allowed her to take the view in. He couldn't fathom her presence in his house, or why she was there watching him? Especially after her rejection of him afterwards at the dinner table, then again maybe he had the whole situation wrong. He just didn't know, and he didn't care. She was here, watching him, he could see the confusion and desire melted together in her eyes, reflected in the mirror.
He slowed his movements in bathing himself, he soaped up the wash cloth again, and began running it up and down his arm. He continued up his collar bone, around and under his arm, to his torso travelling along his side, down to his hip, bending down to wash his leg. He returned in the opposite direction along his other side, so slowly that it was driving him insane, he just wanted to grab her and drag her into the shower to continue having one with her. He knew that wasn't possible, he knew she'd run, and never trust him again, he'd be no better than the punk that had hurt her.
His thoughts were having an undesired influence on him, as he felt himself being affected by her presence and his desire for her. It was becoming obvious that he was losing control, and losing it fast, he caught her reflection in the mirror once again. He could see her watching him, looking at him up and down, not taking her eyes of his body, lapping up every inch of him. It was turning him on, and he just couldn't take it anymore, so he took matters into his own hands. He knew that he'd either scare her off, or make his desire for her as plain as day. He put his head once more under the water, trying to clear his minds of all his thoughts, and just concentrate on here and now.
Buffy watched as he washed himself under the stream of water, as it cascaded down his body, taking the bubbles of soap with it. At points on his body it collected and concentrated into thick droplets of water, she couldn't help herself as she watched them travel down his beautiful form. Starting at his hair, they dripped onto his shoulder, some travelling to the front of him, which was hidden from her view, others down to his back as they travelled downwards. Through the ripples of muscles, as they moved as he cleaned himself with the wash cloth, sending the droplets in different directions, all over his back. Finally reaching his buttocks, they sheared off into even more directions, down his legs, past his muscled thighs, and calves. They disappeared beyond his feet and down to the drain below the tiles.
Buffy could feel her heart and breathing speed up as she watched him bathe; she was frozen on the spot. This was not what she'd come for, but she couldn't pull herself away, and if anything, seeing him like this just strengthened her resolve. She revelled in her response to him. It was the first step in the direction she wanted to go. She just stood there, admiring the beauty of the man before her. He was perfect in everyway possible, and every woman's fantasy.
She continued to watch him, as he allowed the water to rinse the soap from his body, and drop the wash cloth to the floor. He moved his hand to the side of the shower. Expecting him to turn off the water, Buffy moved slightly away from the door, trying to hide her presence from him. Waiting for a few seconds, she realised that he hadn't turned off the water at all. He was leaning back against the wall of the shower.
He could hear her sharp intake of breath as she realised what he was doing, he had closed his mind of to everything, except her being here and watching him. He grasped himself in his hand, allowing the water to lubricate his movements, as he pleasured himself under the stream of the shower. He closed his eyes, too frightened to see her disappear from the reflection in the shaving mirror. He dreamed of her being here with him now, enveloped in his arms as the water moved down and between their bodies, as they kissed and caressed each other. With no fear in her eyes, just heat and desire that he felt for her, reflected in her own eyes for him.
Buffy was lost in the moment as much as he was, she couldn't take her eyes off him, she felt her lungs burn with each breath she struggled to take, and the redness in her cheeks burn, as she felt a little twinge of embarrassment. The truth was she'd never seen this before, never seen the male form before, and never knew that it could be so breathtaking. As the desire for him hit its pinnacle, somewhere from deep inside her was the desire to want to be with him, under the water with his hands all over her. She averted her eyes just for a minute, as the shame of spying on him, took its place along side of the desire she felt. But she didn't want to move, and she wasn't going to.
He continued his movements with his hand with long quick strokes, trying to make it last as long as he could. Hoping that she continued to watch him, and that thought was enough to make him want come right then and there. He opened his eyes and saw that she still was there, standing behind the bathroom door, watching him with those innocent eyes. He quickened his pace as he caught her gaze in the mirror, his want of her evident in his eyes, and he didn't bother to even hide it anymore from her. He called her name out as he let himself have release........
Quickly turning of the taps, he exited the shower and grabbed a towel on the way out of the bathroom. Wrapping it around his hips, he moved out of the bathroom and into his bedroom, not really expecting her to be there, he was a little shocked to find her sitting gob smacked on his bed. A little pale and unsure of herself.
"Buffy," Spike whispered to the girl on his bed.
"Spike, ummmmmm......I came...I came...to..." Buffy mumbled a replied.
"If anyone came luv it was me." Spike said, trying to add some humour into the situation.
"I.....I."
"Yes, what Buffy? What are you trying to say?"
"I do.I do....ummmmmmmmm"
"Buffy stop babbling, its okay sweetheart. Whatever you say will be okay?" Spike tried to reassure her.
The problem was that Buffy didn't know what to say. What do you say to a man, just after you've broken into his house, watched him shower, and watched him come? Buffy was still trying to come to terms with the fact she had just stood there and watched him. It had created a haunting desire within her. She realised that she had more to overcome than just wanting to feel something for him. She wanted to overcome the fear of being with him, she wanted him as much as he wanted her. This alone in itself was going to be one of the greatest hurdles in any relationship that may develop between them.
"I'm sorry Buffy." Was all he could say to her.
"Don't be."
"What?"
"I said 'don't be sorry'."
"But...." Now it was his turn to be dumfounded.
"I do...I do want you. But......but I don't know if I can."
"Luv you can do anything you want."
"I know, but...."
"But you're scared?"
"Yeah I am, I'm terrified!"
Spike moved towards her, and sat on the bed beside her, taking her hand in his, frightened that she might try and run away. She had that stunned look in her eyes, like a rabbit caught in a car headlight. Too frightened to move and frozen in one spot. He just sat there next to her, really unsure what to say to her and how to approach her.
"Is this the part where you hit me over the head and run?" Spike asked the girl in front of him.
"I would if my legs would work!" Buffy replied to his question, trying to hide behind her fear behind humour.
"Do you even like me Buffy?"
"How can you ask me that? You know I do!"
"Do you trust me?"
"I'm trying to! I'm really trying too! But I'm afraid!"
"Of what Buffy? Tell me, explain it to me. Help me understand." Spike tightened his hold on her hand.
"I'm scared. Scared of myself, scared of how I feel, scared of you a little, and scared of.... being with you." Buffy moved slightly away from him, pulling her hand out of his.
"Buffy, luv you aren't the only one to feel scared. I live with it everyday, and sometimes it consumes me, beyond the point I thought, of no return. But we have to face our fears, and live." The conviction in Spike's voice was deafening to her, she felt his insecurities and fear, come resoundingly through his voice. "Just live luv, just live!"
"I'm frightened that I don't know how to anymore."
"Then maybe we do need each other Buffy, because as much as I wanted to crawl into that coffin with my wife, I couldn't. I just couldn't because of Imogen, because she needed me, and slowly I realised I needed her too. I've realised something else Buffy, I need you! I need you to breathe, to move and to just be."
"I....I..." Buffy was just too taken aback by his confession to say anything.
"Let me be the reason you live. Let me be the reason you breathe. Let me be the reason you be. Need me Buffy! Need me! Because for the love of god! I need you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy numbly walked home from Spike's after their conversation, she couldn't say anything to him after what he'd said. He'd made his hunger for her plain, he'd put some of her cards on the table, and he knew what he wanted from her, plainly displaying it in front of her. Despite her resolve to move forward, the reality of the situation had smacked her in the face. Spike wanted her body and soul.
He wanted all of her, or not at all.
He was asking her for everything, and she knew that he would return everything he was back to her. She had thought that she felt lost in the situation before, now she just felt adrift from the reality of her life. She never expected this from him, and she didn't know if she could handle it. She knew that she wanted to try, she truly wanted to reach out to him, be with him, and be part of him. Buffy truly felt her youth in that thought, she knew that in accepting him, she would have to accept Imogen as part of the package. The little girl deserved to be included in any decision she made, and a commitment to him, meant a commitment to her.
Lost in even deeper thoughts know, Buffy entered her room via her window trying to avoid her mom. But with no luck, Joyce sat on a wicker chair in the corner of her room, with Mr Gordo in her lap. She pulled at the pigs ears, the look of worry spread across her face.
"You used to sleep with him every night without fail, when you were little." Joyce said as Buffy sat on her bed facing her mother.
"I couldn't sleep without him."
"He older than you Buffy, much older, and it's so complicated!" Joyce continued to worryingly pulling on Mr Gordo's ears, nearly ripping them off.
"I know mom. He is older, but not that much.....he's only 27 !."
"He has a baby Buffy, a little life dependent on him. Do you want that responsibility Buffy?"
"Gee I'm gone five minutes, we've kissed once...or twice, and you have us married already. Please mom be real!"
"I am being real Buffy! He's a grown man, with a child! You're only 18, for god's sake! What would you know about what you need? Why not a boy your own age? I mean what was so wrong with Riley, that you now have to get involved with Spike? An older man!"
Buffy saw red. She could listen to anything that her mother could throw her way about her and Spike, but to bring Riley into the mix was just too much. She exploded with anger, and started screaming at her mother. "Get out! Just get out!!" Joyce had never seen her daughter react like this about Riley before; she'd just clamed up about them, when they'd broken up. She had flatly refused to speak about them.
"Buffy, I will not leave until you explain yourself young lady!"
"Please mom, not now, please!" the tears forming in her eyes, fell down like rain drops down the side of a wall, on her face. Her sobs became stronger the more tears continued to fall down her face. Her mother quickly dropped Mr Gordo and enveloped her daughter into a tight hug of reassurance, and love.
"Did something happen tonight, sweetheart?" Joyce asked her daughter, with great concern.
"Yeah mom, something did."
"What sweetheart, tell me? What happened?"
"I think I'm falling in love."
Missed your valuable input!!
And of course Darcy....who I've handed by bad beta habits onto.changing
text as we like it!!!
~~~Chapter Seven~~~
~~Lost In Regret~~
Dinner was an affair to remember. Sitting across from him at dinner, Buffy couldn't look him in the eye, not even once. She refused to meet his worried glances at her, full of need to know that she was okay and didn't regret what had happened between them. But it was clear to him that she did. Her mannerisms told the truth of the matter. Even Dawn's kicks under the table couldn't detract Buffy from looking at her, or Spike. Buffy looked either at her mother or her food all night. Even Joyce had picked up on her daughter's disinterest in the meal, and the company at the table.
"Buffy dear, are you feeling alright?" A concerned mother asked her daughter.
"Yeah mom, I'm just not hungry."
"Is something wrong sweetheart? Has something happened?"
With this question from her mother, Buffy couldn't help but look at him. She saw the hurt that lay within his eyes. Her mother caught the obvious interplay between the two at the table, and became greatly concerned about both of them. Something was going on between the two, that was obvious, but what Joyce didn't have a clue.
"No mom, may I be excused please?" Buffy asked of her mother.
"Yes, but are you sure that you're okay?"
"Yeah mom, I just need to go to bed I think, and have an early night."
"Buffy it's only 8.30! You never go to bed before 11.00!" Dawn joined in the conversation, knowing exactly why her sister was trying to escape.
"Will you just leave it!!" Buffy retorted.
"Okay, okay, sorry!" Dawn tried to retreat from the stare of her sister.
"Alright girls!! Buffy before you leave say goodnight to our guests." Joyce requested.
"Good night Spike" Buffy looked at him for a second, giving all her attention to Imogen instead, she brushed the baby's hair back, and kissed her goodnight, "Sleep well angel".
With that Buffy began the retreat up to her room, in an attempt to get as far away as she could, from the cause of her regret. Closing the door behind her, she shut herself from everything and everyone out in the world, and entered into the safe haven of her room. A place she couldthink about everything that had happened to her, what had happened today, and what was going to happen in the future.
The gambit of emotions swelled over her as she lay on her bed. She thought about the incident with Riley, all those months ago, telling Spike about it tonight, and what impact their passionate kiss had upon her. She just felt so mixed up about everything; had never felt so lost within herself, and it was getting worse everyday. But the worst thing she felt was the regret she felt about kissing him, but it wasn't the type of regret that she knew she should be feeling.
It was regret that she couldn't continue.
She'd let her fear control her for so long, that rejecting a man had become second nature, and when she'd pulled away from Spike, it had been the part of her that had been attacked cringing inside her. That was what she regretted, not being able to truly enjoy the kiss, his touch and his obvious attraction to her. Deep down she'd already acknowledged her desire for him, despite whatever obstacles may present themselves in front of them, she wanted him. More than wanted him, she desired him and was beginning to feel deep emotions for him.
And he'd called himself 'damaged', what a fine pair they'd make, she was just as 'damaged'.
Buffy realised that it would take patience and trust from both of them to have any chance. It was time to confront the emotions, that had controlled her life for so long. Memories of that night in Spike's bedroom came hurtling back, his pain and sorrow echoing in her thoughts, as she planned her freedom. These memories put a screaming stop on any plan to get involved with him. A few months ago he was so overwhelmed with his grief, that it had consumed him before her very eyes, and now he was kissing her with such a passion that it had burned her.
How can someone have such conflicting emotions? She thought that she was emotionally stunted, and he had just seemed to move on too quickly for her liking. Buffy shook her head, as all these ideas swirling around in her head. Her mind screamed with all the conflicting emotions, all she wanted was to move forward, too move away from the bleak darkness that had ruled her for so long, and had held her back. She wanted to be free from this rollercoaster ride, it made her sick of this life, never standing still, with it hurtling up and down everyday.
So she made a decision. A decision she hoped that she'd never live to regret, and something she was going to fight her being for.......
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Spike helped Joyce clear the table. After Buffy's defection the conversation had become even more stagnated, silence had hung in the air between all those left at the table. Dawn had quickly departed after her sister, hiding in the lounge room to play with Imogen, to avoid any awkwardness that remained after her sister's departure. The two in the kitchen discussed everything from the weather, to new nappy rash powders on the market, but the chit chat came to an end, as Joyce made it clear she wanted to discuss something serious with Spike.
"Spike, I think it's time that we had a talk, don't you think?"
"About what ?" Spike tried to keep it as friendly as he could.
"I think that's obvious young man!"
"Ummmm Joyce, I think that you'd better just tell me what on earth you are talking about?"
"Well as if you didn't know?"
"Joyce I promise you, I don't know what you're talking about?"
"The crush, young man!"
"Crush......" Spike was speechless. How could have Joyce guessed that he felt something for her daughter? But then again dinner had been a dead give away. All the avoidance Buffy had thrown his way had made it obvious to a blind man, that something was going on between them. "Please Joyce!! I promise you that nothing has happened....well nothing serious yet."
"Yet, what the hell do you mean 'yet'! She's only a little girl!!"
"It was just a kiss, Joyce please, be reasonable!! She is not a little girl, she's a young woman!" Spike tried to defend Buffy the best he could.
"You are too old for her...you're sick!!"
"I know that I'm older........hey wait. I'm not talk...."
"Get out! Get out and don't come back into my house again!", Joyce grabbed Spike by the collar of his shirt, and attempted to throw him out of the house.
"MOM!!!" Dawn ran into the kitchen with Imogen in her arms.
"Go to your room Dawn, NOW!"
"Mom it's not me okay! He's not going on about me...his talking about Buffy." Joyce stopped what she was doing, hearing her daughter's words, "He likes Buffy mom, not me!"
"Oh my, oh my..." Joyce was speechless at her actions towards Spike, "This doesn't make it any better Spike, she's still a child!"
"I know Joyce, god don't you think that I know that!" Spike tried to control his anger towards himself, and the situation he'd gotten himself into.
Imogen began to scream her lungs out, she felt her fathers' distress, she wanted him and she wanted him now! Leaning out of Dawns' arms towards her father, Spike pulled her into his embraced and tried to calm her down. He smoothed her hair down, kissing her forehead, and whispered to her soft words of reassurance. This was not the time or place to discuss this.
"Joyce, please not now! Imogen's tired, can I suggest that we discuss this at another time. That we sleep on it tonight, please! I need to give her a bath and put her to bed." Spike pulled open the backdoor, "Joyce, I do care for your daughter, I know that. I think she needs me as much as I need her, and she's old enough to know what she wants. I am a man, Joyce, not a monster and I wouldn't hurt her for anything!"
Spike opened the door and stormed out, not even to think about picking up the baby's things. He ran back to his own home, trying to open the front door, dropping the keys, he picked them up swearing to himself; eventually he got the door open, and slammed it behind him.
Nobody could heard the steps in the Summers' house creak as a single figure retreated up them, back into her room, closing the door behind her.....
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Spike bathed his daughter in her bath, reflecting on tonight's events; over and over they replayed themselves in his mind. He just couldn't ignore what he felt anymore, and now that he knew that Buffy had regretted what had happened in her backyard, he didn't know what to think. His heart felt like it had been ripped out again, and he just wanted to smash something, break it into little pieces like his heart. He finally was being released from his prison of grief, only to find himself denied what he truly desired and needed.
He just didn't get it, Buffy had seemed to take pleasure in their kiss, and had responded to him, until she'd pulled away from his caress, that he did understand. But her response to him at dinner he didn't understand. Was she afraid that he may do the same thing as the man who had hurt her, or was she just afraid of herself? He'd made it clear to her that he would do what she wanted, that he wouldn't cross the line if she didn't want to, that she made the boundaries, and that he would never cross them, unless she said so.
Or had he? He tried to remember what he'd exactly said to her, but he could only remember the feel of her arms around him and her lips on his, and the passion that had burned between them. If anything was clearer to him it was that she was what he wanted, and he would do anything to have her.
Anything.
He picked up his little girl, drying her as he moved to her room, changing her into her pyjamas and putting her in her cot to sleep. He arranged her on her back, at the bottom of the cot, covering her with a light blanket and turned on the baby monitor, as he left the room. He went to his own room, as the night was a write off, he couldn't wind down from the nights events, and he decided that a shower was in order. Maybe it would relieve some tension he felt in his head, with the on coming stress headache, that was starting at the front of his temples.
Undressing and turning on the shower, he waited until the water was just right and climbed into the shower stall, closing the clear glass door behind him. He stepped into the spray and let the water cascade down his body, allowing it to envelope his whole body. Putting his head under the spray, he never heard the rocks hit the window, or hit the floor from the bathroom adjoining his bedroom. Nor did he hear someone climbing up the rose trellis, and swear as they got caught in the thorns of the rose bush, as they reached the second story of the house.
Buffy slowly lifted the window sill the rest of the way up, from the middle of the pane, where she'd found it. Trying not to make a noise as she did it, she poked her head through the window, trying to see if Spike was in bed. All the lights were of in the house, except for what appeared to be a lamp in the master bedroom.
Taking a huge risk and leap of faith, she'd decided to climb the trellis to confront Spike, and soothe some of her fears about them. But most importantly, talk to him about the decision she'd made regarding them, and most importantly about herself. Seeing that he wasn't in bed, she could hear water running in the en-suite, she contemplated her next move, and attempted to turn around to retreat back down the way she came. She lost her footing and grabbed hold of the window sill, loosing her nerve, she realised she had only one option and she took it.
Climbing through the window she entered the bedroom, moving the sheer curtain aside, to allow her further entry into the room. It looked the same as it had before, the bed was made, a few clothes lay strewn on the floor, and yet something was missing. It struck Buffy instantly, it was his wedding portrait, the one in the crystal frame, and it was gone. Instead pictures of Imogen were everywhere, on every available space laid a picture of his little girl.
Taking this all in, she could still hear the water running in the next room, taking a deep breath, she took a step in the direction of the door between the rooms, and placed her hand on the door knob. Gathering all the strength she could, she fought all the fear that came to the surface, she'd made a choice, wrong or right, she had to try and over come every dark emotion. With an inner resolve she turned the handle, and opened the door as quietly as she could...........
~~Chapter Eight~~
~~~Reflections In Innocent Eyes~~~
He was lost in his thoughts when he heard the bathroom door open, instantly his thoughts went to Imogen, he thought the worst. There was an intruder in his home, hidden behind the door, '~Please don't let them hurt my little girl~', his instincts were going into kill mode. The door opened more just too a small crack, reflecting in his shaving mirror attached to the shower wall, he watched the door reveal his intruder.
Buffy.
She stood just behind the door, staring at him in the shower, her eyes wide and innocent. Not wanting to scare her off, he continued to wash himself, and allowed her to take the view in. He couldn't fathom her presence in his house, or why she was there watching him? Especially after her rejection of him afterwards at the dinner table, then again maybe he had the whole situation wrong. He just didn't know, and he didn't care. She was here, watching him, he could see the confusion and desire melted together in her eyes, reflected in the mirror.
He slowed his movements in bathing himself, he soaped up the wash cloth again, and began running it up and down his arm. He continued up his collar bone, around and under his arm, to his torso travelling along his side, down to his hip, bending down to wash his leg. He returned in the opposite direction along his other side, so slowly that it was driving him insane, he just wanted to grab her and drag her into the shower to continue having one with her. He knew that wasn't possible, he knew she'd run, and never trust him again, he'd be no better than the punk that had hurt her.
His thoughts were having an undesired influence on him, as he felt himself being affected by her presence and his desire for her. It was becoming obvious that he was losing control, and losing it fast, he caught her reflection in the mirror once again. He could see her watching him, looking at him up and down, not taking her eyes of his body, lapping up every inch of him. It was turning him on, and he just couldn't take it anymore, so he took matters into his own hands. He knew that he'd either scare her off, or make his desire for her as plain as day. He put his head once more under the water, trying to clear his minds of all his thoughts, and just concentrate on here and now.
Buffy watched as he washed himself under the stream of water, as it cascaded down his body, taking the bubbles of soap with it. At points on his body it collected and concentrated into thick droplets of water, she couldn't help herself as she watched them travel down his beautiful form. Starting at his hair, they dripped onto his shoulder, some travelling to the front of him, which was hidden from her view, others down to his back as they travelled downwards. Through the ripples of muscles, as they moved as he cleaned himself with the wash cloth, sending the droplets in different directions, all over his back. Finally reaching his buttocks, they sheared off into even more directions, down his legs, past his muscled thighs, and calves. They disappeared beyond his feet and down to the drain below the tiles.
Buffy could feel her heart and breathing speed up as she watched him bathe; she was frozen on the spot. This was not what she'd come for, but she couldn't pull herself away, and if anything, seeing him like this just strengthened her resolve. She revelled in her response to him. It was the first step in the direction she wanted to go. She just stood there, admiring the beauty of the man before her. He was perfect in everyway possible, and every woman's fantasy.
She continued to watch him, as he allowed the water to rinse the soap from his body, and drop the wash cloth to the floor. He moved his hand to the side of the shower. Expecting him to turn off the water, Buffy moved slightly away from the door, trying to hide her presence from him. Waiting for a few seconds, she realised that he hadn't turned off the water at all. He was leaning back against the wall of the shower.
He could hear her sharp intake of breath as she realised what he was doing, he had closed his mind of to everything, except her being here and watching him. He grasped himself in his hand, allowing the water to lubricate his movements, as he pleasured himself under the stream of the shower. He closed his eyes, too frightened to see her disappear from the reflection in the shaving mirror. He dreamed of her being here with him now, enveloped in his arms as the water moved down and between their bodies, as they kissed and caressed each other. With no fear in her eyes, just heat and desire that he felt for her, reflected in her own eyes for him.
Buffy was lost in the moment as much as he was, she couldn't take her eyes off him, she felt her lungs burn with each breath she struggled to take, and the redness in her cheeks burn, as she felt a little twinge of embarrassment. The truth was she'd never seen this before, never seen the male form before, and never knew that it could be so breathtaking. As the desire for him hit its pinnacle, somewhere from deep inside her was the desire to want to be with him, under the water with his hands all over her. She averted her eyes just for a minute, as the shame of spying on him, took its place along side of the desire she felt. But she didn't want to move, and she wasn't going to.
He continued his movements with his hand with long quick strokes, trying to make it last as long as he could. Hoping that she continued to watch him, and that thought was enough to make him want come right then and there. He opened his eyes and saw that she still was there, standing behind the bathroom door, watching him with those innocent eyes. He quickened his pace as he caught her gaze in the mirror, his want of her evident in his eyes, and he didn't bother to even hide it anymore from her. He called her name out as he let himself have release........
Quickly turning of the taps, he exited the shower and grabbed a towel on the way out of the bathroom. Wrapping it around his hips, he moved out of the bathroom and into his bedroom, not really expecting her to be there, he was a little shocked to find her sitting gob smacked on his bed. A little pale and unsure of herself.
"Buffy," Spike whispered to the girl on his bed.
"Spike, ummmmmm......I came...I came...to..." Buffy mumbled a replied.
"If anyone came luv it was me." Spike said, trying to add some humour into the situation.
"I.....I."
"Yes, what Buffy? What are you trying to say?"
"I do.I do....ummmmmmmmm"
"Buffy stop babbling, its okay sweetheart. Whatever you say will be okay?" Spike tried to reassure her.
The problem was that Buffy didn't know what to say. What do you say to a man, just after you've broken into his house, watched him shower, and watched him come? Buffy was still trying to come to terms with the fact she had just stood there and watched him. It had created a haunting desire within her. She realised that she had more to overcome than just wanting to feel something for him. She wanted to overcome the fear of being with him, she wanted him as much as he wanted her. This alone in itself was going to be one of the greatest hurdles in any relationship that may develop between them.
"I'm sorry Buffy." Was all he could say to her.
"Don't be."
"What?"
"I said 'don't be sorry'."
"But...." Now it was his turn to be dumfounded.
"I do...I do want you. But......but I don't know if I can."
"Luv you can do anything you want."
"I know, but...."
"But you're scared?"
"Yeah I am, I'm terrified!"
Spike moved towards her, and sat on the bed beside her, taking her hand in his, frightened that she might try and run away. She had that stunned look in her eyes, like a rabbit caught in a car headlight. Too frightened to move and frozen in one spot. He just sat there next to her, really unsure what to say to her and how to approach her.
"Is this the part where you hit me over the head and run?" Spike asked the girl in front of him.
"I would if my legs would work!" Buffy replied to his question, trying to hide behind her fear behind humour.
"Do you even like me Buffy?"
"How can you ask me that? You know I do!"
"Do you trust me?"
"I'm trying to! I'm really trying too! But I'm afraid!"
"Of what Buffy? Tell me, explain it to me. Help me understand." Spike tightened his hold on her hand.
"I'm scared. Scared of myself, scared of how I feel, scared of you a little, and scared of.... being with you." Buffy moved slightly away from him, pulling her hand out of his.
"Buffy, luv you aren't the only one to feel scared. I live with it everyday, and sometimes it consumes me, beyond the point I thought, of no return. But we have to face our fears, and live." The conviction in Spike's voice was deafening to her, she felt his insecurities and fear, come resoundingly through his voice. "Just live luv, just live!"
"I'm frightened that I don't know how to anymore."
"Then maybe we do need each other Buffy, because as much as I wanted to crawl into that coffin with my wife, I couldn't. I just couldn't because of Imogen, because she needed me, and slowly I realised I needed her too. I've realised something else Buffy, I need you! I need you to breathe, to move and to just be."
"I....I..." Buffy was just too taken aback by his confession to say anything.
"Let me be the reason you live. Let me be the reason you breathe. Let me be the reason you be. Need me Buffy! Need me! Because for the love of god! I need you!"
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Buffy numbly walked home from Spike's after their conversation, she couldn't say anything to him after what he'd said. He'd made his hunger for her plain, he'd put some of her cards on the table, and he knew what he wanted from her, plainly displaying it in front of her. Despite her resolve to move forward, the reality of the situation had smacked her in the face. Spike wanted her body and soul.
He wanted all of her, or not at all.
He was asking her for everything, and she knew that he would return everything he was back to her. She had thought that she felt lost in the situation before, now she just felt adrift from the reality of her life. She never expected this from him, and she didn't know if she could handle it. She knew that she wanted to try, she truly wanted to reach out to him, be with him, and be part of him. Buffy truly felt her youth in that thought, she knew that in accepting him, she would have to accept Imogen as part of the package. The little girl deserved to be included in any decision she made, and a commitment to him, meant a commitment to her.
Lost in even deeper thoughts know, Buffy entered her room via her window trying to avoid her mom. But with no luck, Joyce sat on a wicker chair in the corner of her room, with Mr Gordo in her lap. She pulled at the pigs ears, the look of worry spread across her face.
"You used to sleep with him every night without fail, when you were little." Joyce said as Buffy sat on her bed facing her mother.
"I couldn't sleep without him."
"He older than you Buffy, much older, and it's so complicated!" Joyce continued to worryingly pulling on Mr Gordo's ears, nearly ripping them off.
"I know mom. He is older, but not that much.....he's only 27 !."
"He has a baby Buffy, a little life dependent on him. Do you want that responsibility Buffy?"
"Gee I'm gone five minutes, we've kissed once...or twice, and you have us married already. Please mom be real!"
"I am being real Buffy! He's a grown man, with a child! You're only 18, for god's sake! What would you know about what you need? Why not a boy your own age? I mean what was so wrong with Riley, that you now have to get involved with Spike? An older man!"
Buffy saw red. She could listen to anything that her mother could throw her way about her and Spike, but to bring Riley into the mix was just too much. She exploded with anger, and started screaming at her mother. "Get out! Just get out!!" Joyce had never seen her daughter react like this about Riley before; she'd just clamed up about them, when they'd broken up. She had flatly refused to speak about them.
"Buffy, I will not leave until you explain yourself young lady!"
"Please mom, not now, please!" the tears forming in her eyes, fell down like rain drops down the side of a wall, on her face. Her sobs became stronger the more tears continued to fall down her face. Her mother quickly dropped Mr Gordo and enveloped her daughter into a tight hug of reassurance, and love.
"Did something happen tonight, sweetheart?" Joyce asked her daughter, with great concern.
"Yeah mom, something did."
"What sweetheart, tell me? What happened?"
"I think I'm falling in love."