Disclaimer 1: The opinions expressed in this fanfiction are in no way reflective of those of the Truelove and Truelove agency as a whole, but are merely those of one of its more deranged members. The agency will accept no responsibility for its treasurer's work.
Disclaimer 2: I don't own Troy. I don't even own the model of Troy I made out of Lego, because it was my sister's Lego.
So, what have we got to look forward to in the next two chapters?
Well, I'll tell you now that we won't be meeting Polyphemus the Cyclops! We've got to do the Cicones and Lotus Eaters first. Only a fool would forget that! What do you mean, I promised? No I didn't! You calling me a liar? Where did I – Oh. Oh, I see. At the end of the last bit. Well…a contract made in haste is not legally binding!
OK, I admit it, I forgot the Cicones and Lotus Eaters. Then I wanted to leave out the Cicones, but I figured we needed a battle to promote gritty realism. Then I really wanted to leave out the Lotus Eaters, because drugs aren't funny. They're just not funny. Seriously, kids – don't do drugs. Heh.
Anyway, Cyclops chapter will be up in week, after I get back from holiday, and it will be better than these ones.
Scene Two – Ithaca, Penelope's room.
Penelope: How do I know that your father is coming back, Telemachus? Because he's brave, and daring, and the cleverest man I've ever met. And because he loves us. His mind will be set on coming home to be with us.
Telemachus: So that's why you won't marry any of the suitors!
Penelope: That - and their general ugliness.
Telemachus: But I thought you said that ugly people could be beautiful inside!
Penelope: Don't worry, darling, you'll grow into your nose. Ah Odysseus, come home to us!
She gazes soulfully into the distance.
Telemachus: So –
Penelope: Telemachus! That soulful look was supposed to be the end of the scene!
Telemachus: What? So that's all we get? A bit about superficial stereotypes then BAM! Why?
Penelope: Oh Telly, you're a child. Everyone knows children can't sustain long periods of dialogue. Just consider the 'Home Alone' scrolls.
Telemachus: So when will we be back?
Penelope: Well, I'll have a few scenes near the middle of the story to show that I'm still alive whilst Odysseus is off sleeping with nymphs.
Telemachus: And when will I be back?
Penelope: When you're old enough to be played by Orlando Bloom. I mean…when you're older, and look just like Paris.
Telemachus: Paris?
Penelope: Well, I am Helen's cousin and Paris does get around.
Scene three – the boatHenchman: Land!
Paris: Head for it, then!
Henchman: Um…where's Odysseus?
Paris: Asleep. Just head for the land.
Henchman: It looks like Thrace.
Paris: Your point?
Henchman: Probably Ismarus.
Paris: Your point?
Henchman: Home of the Cicones?
Paris: Your point?
Henchman: The warlike Cicones?
Paris: Your p- Ah, yes, I see. Superb, we could use a battle.
Henchman: The warlike Cicones who are said to be crazy and only worship one god!
Paris: One god? That'll never catch on.
Henchman: I'm speaking metaphorically! They're devoted to Ares, god of war!
Paris (becomes distracted and calls to Helen): Honey, have you seen my sword?
Helen (suggestively): Your sword? The sword of Troy? Of course I've seen it!
Paris (failing to pick up on the innuendo): Well, where did I put it?
Helen (giggling): Ooh, Paris, I hardly think this is the place! Let's go to the cabin!
Paris (annoyed): So it's in the cabin? Seriously, Helen, I really need it. There's about to be fighting.
Helen: Oh! You mean the sword of Troy! You gave it to that young man, Aneas, remember?
Paris: Why would I, Paris, prince of Troy, give the sword of Troy to …to some kid just before the battle for the city?
No one answers, as it makes no sense to anyone.
Henchman: OK, we're here! Let's get to pillaging!
The pillage of Ismarus begins. It seems suspiciously similar to the sacking of Troy from the original movie, except with jauntier background music. We suspect that the producers have simply cut and pasted footage. We see a shot of Achilles, whom they have failed to airbrush out. We are now certain about the cut and pasting.
Scene Four -the beach, later that night.
The Greeks are partying. Music is playing. It sounds suspiciously like 'Summer Holiday', by Cliff Richard. But this is crazy talk. Cliff Richard wasn't alive then! Or was he? How old is Sir Cliff?
Odysseus (exiting the boat after a suspiciously long sleep): Oh gods! Zeus! What in Hades are you doing?
Henchman: I can explain!
Odysseus: That is not the way to do the hand-jive! (Taking in the situation) Ok, where are we? And what in Hades are you doing?
Henchman: Don't be mad.
Odysseus: It's a medical condition, there's nothing I can do about it. But don't worry, I'm taking the pills (twitches). What is this?
Henchman: We kind of…pillaged Ismarus.
Odysseus: Home of the warlike Cicones!
Henchman (pointing to Paris): It was his idea! He told us to!
Odysseus: But why did you listen to him?
Luckily, the scriptwriters are saved from having to invent any kind of reason, because at that moment the warlike Cicones plus allies pour onto the beach.
A Cicone. Ciconis? One of the Cicones: Attack!
Helen: What are we going to do!
Odysseus: I know, let's build a wooden horse!
Henchman: Dude, we used that one already. That's like your solution to everything!
Odysseus: OK, fine, we'll just have to fight them.
Henchman (mutters to himself): Need to get into Troy? Let's build a wooden horse! We're running out of food, let's build a wooden horse!
Odysseus: Get ready!
Henchman (continues muttering): We don't have any wood for the fire so let's build ourselves a frickin' wooden horse!
The fight begins. It's hard to determine what's really going on, because of the spurty blood, less spurty sweat and invasive soundtrack. Somewhere in the melee, Odysseus wins a few well-choreographed fights and looks manly. Paris runs for the ship. Expendables are expended. Then Briseis emerges onto the ship's deck.
Briseis: I kill you like I kill Agamemnon!
The Cicones stop fighting, momentarily stunned.
OOTC: But…Agamemnon is alive.
The Greeks use the opportunity to board the ship and escape. The battle is over.
Scene Five -a cabin.
Paris: I'm such a coward!
Helen; Yup.
Paris: I just ran! I'm so pathetic. How can you love me? I'm pathetic, worthless –
Helen: Would you just quit whining? I wanted to grow old with you, not to be whined into an early grave!
She stomps out onto the deck and joins Odysseus, who is gazing soulfully out into the night.
Helen: Oh Odysseus, do you ever feel that every choice you've ever made has been the wrong one?
Odysseus: Totally. Like my hairstyle in National Treasure, I mean, you were in the movie, you saw it…
Helen: What are you talking about?
Odysseus (covering his mistake): I…have no idea.
Helen: I could have had any man I wanted, but I chose Menelaus, and look where it got me. I should have chosen someone braver, nobler, smarter. Someone more like you…
There is a pause. A moment, if you will. An undeniable frisson in the air. Odysseus gazes intently at Helen's pretty little hands. We slowly realise he has not been listening to a word she's been saying. So like a man.
Odysseus (distracted): Say, Helen, that's a pretty ring.
Helen: What, this gold band? It's way old. Once I dropped it in the fire and it got these strange markings around it, too. Some ancient language, I guess.
Odysseus (narrowing his eyes): You don't say…
In the next instalment:
Will Odysseus succumb to the power of the one ring?
Sorry…
We do drugs. And by do I mean cover, kids. Discuss.
Briseis and Odysseus finally get that screen time I promised them. OK, Briseis, now put the knife down…
AN
Thankyou, Queen Arwen, for being my first reviewer and making me happy. I read your Haunted by Bliss story. Wow. Sorry to use my own fanficiton as a shameless way of asking you to continue yours, but please do!