Disclaimer 1: The opinions expressed in this fanfiction are in no way reflective of those of the Truelove and Truelove agency as a whole, but are merely those of one of its more deranged members. The agency will accept no responsibility for its treasurer's work.
Disclaimer 2: I don't own Troy. I lost it in a bet.
Scene Six – same old boat, night
Henchman: We've reached land!
Odysseus: OK, we can explore in the morning, it's too dangerous now. G'night.
He goes into his cabin.
Henchman: Huh, too dangerous, I'll show him!
Paris: I'm not going to do what any Greek-boy tells me to do!
Briseis: Yeah, we're Trojans!
Helen: Well, I'm not – my accent indicates that I'm of Germanic origins – but if you two are going, I'm going too!
They get off the boat and run slap-bang into a Lotus Eater
LE: Woah, zowie, what a weird trip.
Henchman: Who are you? Where are w-
LE: Woah, like, slow down. Have some Lotus.
He offers his Lotus around.
Helen (suspicious): What will it do?
LE: It's great. It'll calm you down, man.
Helen (frightened): Man? You think I'm a man? I look like a man to you? Is it the hair, the dress? Zeus, I'm supposed to me the most beautiful woman in the world! HOW CAN YOU THINK I'M A MAN!
Paris: Calm her down, you say?
Scene Seven – the Lotus Eaters' campLotus Eaters lie around in various states of stupor.
Odysseus: So, have you seen them? I'd be happy to leave them here, but one of the women is my wife's cousin, so I need to get her back. Not because she's the most beautiful woman in the world, or anything. That has so little to do with this.
LE: Sure, man, have some Lotus.
Odysseus: No thanks, I'm off the stuff. Totally. So totally. OK, just one bite. OK, now where are they?
LE: Over there, brother.
Odysseus finds Paris, Helen, Briseis and the Henchman sprawled on the ground.
LE: They're hallucinating. Whatever they say, man, it's a complete hallucination with no basis in fact or classical mythology, OK?
Helen: Hermione! My daughter! I'm so happy to see you again! Zowie!
Henchman: A name! I have a name! Eurylochus! I'm Eurylochus! Man!
LE: Some of their hallucinations will be seriously weird.
Paris: Blonde hair! I have BLONDE HAIR!
Odysseus: So, I guess they'll be fine.
LE: Sure, man, totally.
Odysseus: You know, it's just occurred to me that if, for the sake of argument, kids were watching this – on a film, let's say, for argument's sake – they'd probably be getting the message that doing drugs was fun and cool.
LE: Reckon so.
Odysseus: OK, so to avoid lawsuits – in this hypothetical situation, that is – could you just tell the hypothetical kids about the terrible side affects associated with Lotus?
LE: Oh yeah, man. Don't even get me started on the constipation. And sometimes the hallucinations aren't so nice.
Briseis: Oh gods, I thought I was a princess but I'm just a slave-girl! Just a pathetic slave-girl!
Odysseus: Interesting. OK, we should be going.
LE: Sure you won't stay for some Lotus, man?
Odysseus: FYI, I'm Odysseus. I, like, invented the wooden horse. Well, I copyrighted it, anyway. And that little horse the guy was carving looked nothing like MY wooden horse, OK? Anyway, my basic point is, I'm smart. Smart people don't do drugs. (He turns to face the sea and, COMPLETELY COINCIDENTALLY, the camera). Remember that, kids…anyway (he turns back to the Lotus Eater) like I said, I'm off the stuff.
Scene Eight – back in the good old cabin
Paris: And I just can't help feeling that I should have died at Troy.
Helen: That's just the Lotus talking.
Paris: No, I felt like this before. Besides, the Lotus only made me hallucinate that I had long blonde hair, wore green and had a strange affinity with really short people. I really should be dead! I know it!
Helen: Oh honey, I've heard about this. It's called survivors' guilt. You feel guilty because you caused the deaths of thousands of men, including your brother and father, and didn't suffer yourself. In fact, maybe that's not survivors' guilt. Maybe that's just regular well-deserved guilt.
Paris: No, no, no, I mean that I feel as if I'm living on borrowed time. Like the sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. How is Damocles, I wonder? Anyway, what I mean is, it's like a voice in my head is whispering "Why are you still vertical?" Like I should be dead and you should be with Menelaus.
Helen: That's crazy talk! When do couples in love not live happily ever after? Let's say for argument's sake that our lives were made into stories – epic poems, say, for the sake of argument – do you think anyone would read them if I got back together with Menelaus? No one wants to hear that!
Paris: But –
Helen: Remember we spoke about the whining?
Scene Nine – another cabin
Odysseus enters his cabin and Briseis jumps out at him from behind the door.
Briseis: Die, Greek scum!
Odysseus: Garg!
Briseis: OK, you've won me over with your rugged charm and nobility – let's do it!
Odysseus: No, I –
Briseis: What is it? Your male lover? I mean cousin, wink-wink, nudge-nudge.
Odysseus: No, my wife – I made a vow to her.
Briseis: So? I made a vow to Apollo to remain his virgin priestess or condemn myself to a horrific death, and, well…let's just say I'm still a priestess.
Odysseus: I guess you're not Apollo's favourite person right now, then?
Briseis: Well, Achilles chopped the head off his statue and nothing happened to him.
Odysseus (reasonably): Well, he is technically dead now…
Briseis: Yeah, but he was just a warrior. I'm a priestess. And a princess. And the killer of the evil Agamemnon. Phew, I'm glad the Lotus wore off. I was hallucinating that I was just a slave-girl. Thank Zeus that's not true.
Odysseus: Um…yeah…
In the next instalment:
We meet a guy with one eye! Otherwise known as Polyphemus. Otherwise known as….the Cyclops. Woo woo woo!