Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "A joke's a joke but this goes some way beyond the realms of light entertainment!"

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Ooooh yes, I have returned with a vengance. With the lovely peacefull lull in Uni work, I can get back to what I love most, writing, yey! Here is the promised (and long overdue) fourth story in the 'pick on a certain group' category. For those that haven't read the other three in the series (they are listed in order in my author profile, if you're wondering) don't panic, there are only little things like a few original characters and events that'll pop up now and again, nothing major, you should find it easy to follow. This fic, as the name suggests, focuses on the boys, yes, that's right, teen boy torture, party on!.

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Chapter 1 - Big boys don't cry

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"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Xavier gave a long, patient sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Please, Scott, you're making a scene".

"Good", said Scott, "'cause it's unjust, so I'LL MAKE AS BIG A SCENE AS I WANT!!!"

"Shut yer trap, One-Eye or I'll shut it fer ya", growled Logan.

Scott's shouting quickly died into a pathetic whimper.

"But, Professor.....whyyyy?"

Xavier folded his hands together, making the little ball of dread in Scott's stomach grow even tighter. The Professor only did that when he was explaining something....something bad.

"The girls had to go through the same thing", he said, "it would be unfair to allow the boys of the group to get away with not doing it".

"But why do we have to work with THEM?!", growled Scott, pointing to the Acolytes and Brotherhood.

"I don't want to go with you, either, Summers", growled Lance, narrowing his eyes.

"I'd rather be anywhere else dan some stupid camp", muttered Remy, "Remy LeBeau does not 'do' camps".

"It isn't a camp", smiled Hank, "it's a skills and adventure programe".

"It's a camp", said Remy, crossing his arms sulkily.

"Sulk all you like, Gambit", said Magneto pointedly, "you're still going. So there".

"But there won't be any women", whined Remy.

"I think that's the point", smirked Magneto.

Scott gave a defeated sigh.

"Okay, okay", he said, hanging his head, "how long?".

"Three weeks", said Xavier with a smile.

"WHAT?", shouted Kitty, bursting in from where she'd 'not' been evesdropping, "that's, like, waaaaay less than what we girls had to!".

"Yes, but 'you girls'", stated Hank, "took a detor to Las Vegas, remember? I'm sure YOU remember Kitty"

"We NEVER talk about Las Vegas!", snapped Kitty, "NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!!".

Roberto gave a small whimper, curling into a foetal position on the rug, begining to rock.

"See, now you've upset Roberto", said Sam with a frown, "don't worry about it, Roberto, we won't mention it again".

"Bad Elvis, bad Elivs", whimpered Roberto.

Xavier blinked, before clearing his throat.

"Yes, well", he said, "in light of the previous 'adventure'..which incidentally cost me alot of money..."

"Not THAT much", said Kitty with a shrug.

"You and Roberto's....problem, the tattoo, the bannings from Las Vegas..."

"That wasn't technically all MY fault", spoke up Wanda from where she was standing with the Brotherhood, "Toad was a part of it too"

"With you all the way, Snookums", smiled Todd, nuzzling her.

"Get a room!", said Bobby with a shudder.

"I would, if I wasn't bein' dragged away, yo", said Todd.

"No girls makes Pietro a sad, sad young adult", sniffed Pietro.

"That goes double for Remy", said Remy.

"ENOUGH!", snapped Xavier, "you're all going so you can just clam up and bloody well like it!!!!".

The room went silent, blinking at him. Xavier cleared his throat.

"I think the major problem we had last year, bar from sending the girls to a camp too close to Las Vegas", he said, "was the simple fact that the boys could get to them. It was only when the boys snuck their way inside that things went rather...pear shaped".

"I think 'pear shaped' is an understatement, Charles", sighed Magneto, "it was worse than a soap opera plot"

"Indeed", said Xavier, "hence why I am spending a little extra to send you boys away....far, far FAR away".

"How 'far, far, FAR away', exactly?", asked Fred, worry begining to show on his features.

"Australia".

"AUSTRALIA?!!!", cried Scott, "but that's the other side of the world!!!!!"

"My point, exactly", smiled Xavier.

"YEYYYYYY!", said Pyro, laughing more manically than usual, "look out, Oz, St. John's comming home!".

"See, Pyro's happy about the destination", said Magneto with a smug smile.

"That's because he IS Austrailian!", protested Piotr, then paused, "which begs the question...does Australia really want him back?".

"Probably not", said Bobby, "if I was Australia, I wouldn't want him back".

Pyro, apparently, was too happy to take notice, he'd already lauched into a verse of 'Waltzing Matilda'. Kurt raised one, furry hand.

"Does this mean I don't get to see Amanda for three weeks?".

"Yes", said Xavier with a nod, "that also goes for no Jean, no Wanda, no Rogue, no Rahne and certainally NO Kitty".

"Awwwwwwwwww", said the boys sadly.

"Wait a minute", snapped Kitty, "we had to go to a rotten, smelly wood, while they get to live it up in sunny Australia? That's HARDLY fair!".

"Would it make you feel better if I told you they were spending all their time in a farm in the outback of Queensland, away from pretty much everything?".

Kitty thought about this.

"Yes, yes I do feel better", she said, grabbing Wanda's arm, "come on, Wanda, let's leave the boys get ready for their trip".

"Don't touch me", hissed Wanda as she was dragged away.

"Well, I'm not going and you can't make me", said Pietro, crossing his arms stubbonrly, "I don't like manual labour".

"We can't make you?", asked Magneto, amused, "my dear boy, you clearly don't know us well at all, do you?"

Pietro's stubborn smirk faltered.

"We have already taken the liberty of packing your bags", said Xavier, "they are all on the Blackbird, awaiting for your departure...which is now".

Any boys that would have tried to make a break for it found themselves being pushed along by magnetic force into the Blackbird.

"All aboard for Australia", grinned Logan from the cockpit, "yer home for the next three weeks"

"YEEEAH!", laughed Pyro happily, the only person happily walking onto the jet of his own accord. This is ripper, mate!".

"Oh my God", sobbed Scott, "they aren't all like HIM are they? I don't think I could take it if they were!!!".

"If dey aren't", whispered Remy, "I bet dey all talk like him. I bearly understand him at the best of times".

"Oh, come on guys, cheer up", said Jamie optimistically, "think of all the native wildlife we'll get to see: kangaroos, koalas, and Steve Irwin".

"Oh...goodie", said Ray dryly, "well, I'M looking forward to this trip even MORE now...NOT!!!".

"Stop whining", said Pyro with a sniff, "you're runing homecoming for me!".

"I thought you came from Sidney, not Queensland", pointed out Piotr.

"Yes, but I'll still be in Australia", pouted Pyro, "and I'll visit Sidney, ooooh I can see my family again!!!!"

"The very thought of there being MORE of you is terrifying beyond all rational reason", muttered Bobby.

Scott sighed sadly, looking out of the window as the Blackbird left the mansion. Left Bayville. Left America.

"This is going to be a long, long trip".

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Bwahahahahaha!!! Oh, the fun I'm going to have with this one. Pyro fans rejoice, our Aussie friend will be in his element. Do review. Until next time....