Slugs and Snails
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer"Animals should be outside, humans should be inside. Humans should have absolutely no contact with uncooked animals. I hope you're happy, you've disturbed the circle of life."
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Magcat - Why Austrailia? Well, I haven't sent my characters there yet, I thought it would be fun. Why do I not refer to Pyro by St.John? Well, I do now and again, but when it comes to writing characters names out like 'Kurt said, or Sam said' and so on, most authors keep to one name to identify them with. I prefer to write Pyro. Same as instead of writing 'Mastermind', I write Jason, and instead of writing 'Colossus', I write Piotr. And instead of writing Forge I write...oh..wait.
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Chapter 4 - A jolly jumbuck.
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Ahh, sleep. Such a blissfull activity. When one took part in such a thing, one often forgot where one was. This was the case for Remy LeBeau. One moment, he was in the Big Easy, having a great time with some very attractive women...and the next he was being poked in the ribs with a stick.
"Gahh", he said, sitting bolt upright, then blinked at his 'attacker'.
Jamie blinked at him inocently.
"They said if you didn't wake up now, you wouldn't get any breakfast", said Jamie, handing Remy the bo staff he'd..borrowed.
Remy groaned, standing up and rubbing his head.
"This isn't New Orleans, is is".
"No", replied Jamie"this is Australia"
"So it wasn't just some horrible nightmare", sobbed Remy"what time is it"
"Five", said Jamie.
Remy blinked at him numbly.
"AM", he shouted.
"Yep", said Jamie, then headed downstairs"Jack says we have to get started really early".
"Dere's early, an' den deres insanity", muttered Remy, loping down the stairs.
Remy noted he wasn't the only one having issues with the early mornings. Then again, half of the group hadn't even slept off their intense jetlag yet.
"I didn't even know five AM existed", moaned Ray, resting his head on the wall.
"You've never lived on a farm, then", said Sam"this is normal hours for me"
"Ditto", said Freddy with a nod.
"Oh, well I'm glad at least TWO of us are more than semi-concious", snapped Scott.
"Boy, stop fighting", said Jack, walking in"it's too early in the morning for it".
"Can we go back to bed, then", asked Kurt meekly, raising a hand.
"...No", replied Jack, then clapped his hands"right then, time for the first activity, it'll let me see how well you mix, and give you time to get familiar with your new environment, so I'll be splitting you into two groups. Scott Summers and Lance Alvers will be field leaders...on THIS exercise, it WILL be changed"
"Oh...yippie", sighed Piotr, not sounding very motivated..at all.
"I want you to go on a wildlife scavenger hunt", said Jack, handing Scott and Lance a clipboard each"you find and photograph every animal you find on this sheet".
Lance squinted at the names.
"...I barely recognise the names of any of these animals", he said, the paused"well, I bags Pyro on my team".
"HEY", said Scott"that's not fair"
"Makes sense", said Lance"Pyro is an Acolyte, thus is closer to being a member of the Brotherhood than an X-Man. So there"
"No one is having St.John on their team", said Jack"that constitutes as cheating"
"So, he gets the day off, just because he's Australian", squeaked Duncan"that is SO beyond unfair"
"Actually, he had a two-hour hike to get us supplies", said Jack pointedly"he left an hour ago".
"...Oh", said Duncan, clearing his throat"...okay then".
"I say, bring it on", grinned Pietro, then sent a smirk Evan's way"I'm gonna find these critters WAAAY quicker than Daniels".
"I'd like to see you try, chicken-boy", growled Evan.
"Yes...they warned me about this", said Jack"that's why I put you both on the same team"
"WHAT", screamed the boys in unison.
Jack ignored them, dividing the teams.
"Summers, you have LeBeau, Dukes, Madrox, Maximoff, Daniels, DaCosta and...", he blinked at Paul"this loser".
"HEY", whimpered Paul.
Jack carried on, pointing at Lance.
"Alvers, you have Tolensky, Rasbutin, Drake, Wagner, Guthrie and Crisp"
"That's not fair", protested Lance"Summers has one more person than me".
"Yes, and because of that, they have extra animals to find", said Jack pointedly"now, stop complaining and MOVE OUT".
The group gave a collective groan as they headed out into the outback...this was not going to be fun.
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They were right, it was not fun. Only going on brief descriptions for some of the most unique animals on the planet did not help in finding the things. In the space of a few hours, Scott was hot, dry and very tired...
"In de outback, de crazy outback, Scotty is a geek"
...And if Gambit didn't stop singing, he was going to ram that bo staff of his somewhere very painfull.
"In de outback, de crazy outback, Scotty is a geek", sang Remy not noticing Scott's glare"everyone sing with me... a-weeeeeeeeee-eeeeeee-a-bumba-bumba-ey"
"A- weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...", started Jamie, only to be glared at by Scott, breaking off in mid 'weee'.
"Lets just get this OVER already", muttered Scott"so I can go to bed".
"I don't know what you're complaining about, Summers", said Freddy"it's not like we're doing much work".
"Yeah", said Roberto"the uber-competitives are doing it for us".
Ahead of them, Pietro was crouched over a lizard.
"I found another one", he shouted"it's a jumbuck".
"That is not a jumbuck", said Evan pointedly.
"Yes, it is", said Pietro with a sniff"you're just jealous because I found it first".
"I'm telling you, it's not a jumbuck", said Evan.
"What IS a jumbuck, then, smartass", asked Pietro.
"I...", Evan paused, then started to hum 'Waltzing Matilda', after a few moments, he smirked"they are jolly and they drink beside billabongs...and swagmen grab them and put them in their tuckerbags".
Roberto blinked.
"Does that make no sense to anyone else, or is it just me".
"I didn't get a word of that", muttered Paul from where he was lagging behind, trying to avoid all mutant contact.
"Isn't a jumbuck a sheep", asked Jamie.(1)
Pietro snorted, shaking his head, patting Jamie on the head.
"Awww, poor dumb kid", he said"I forgot what it was like to be a dumb kid".
"I'm thirteen", said Jamie with a frown"not ten"
Pietro shook his head.
"This is clearly a jumbuck, so I have found yet another creature in the list", he said, then puffed out his chest"Just call me Pietro: Lord of the Outback".
"Hey, Lord of the Outback", smirked Evan"there's a scorpion on your foot".
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH", screamed Pietro, running around in panicked super-speed circles.
"Pysce", smirked Evan.
"Okay, okay", snapped Scott"that is enough! How many more animals do we need to find"
"Just one", said Freddy, looking at the sheet"a bunyip".
"What the hell is a bunyip", asked Paul.
"Lets just find the thing and leave", snapped Scott.
"I'm sure I remember Pyro talkin' 'bout dose t'ings", mused Remy, squinting"..but I can't remember what..."
"Can't we just go home now", asked Jamie with a whimper"we have all but one. My feet are getting tired".
"No", snapped Scott"we are going to do this job and we are going to do it RIGHT"
With that, he began to march off, the other following behind with a groan.
"I'm not about to let Alvers beat me on this", growled Scott.
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"Aren't you worried about Scott beating you"
Lance blinked at Sam, before laughing, shaking his head.
"Hell no", he said"I'm tired, I'm sick of walking through the desert, let him win, I'd rather be sitting with my feet up".
Bobby gave a whimper.
"I'm so glad I'm on your team", he said, giving Lance a hug,. "I love you, man".
Lance blinked.
"...Can someone get this off me".
Piotr sighed, plucking Bobby off Lance and carrying him under his arm.
"Bobby always gets a little...heat stressed", said Ray"you know, ice mutation and that"
"He should try carrying a fur coat around", muttered Kurt, his tail dropped low"I can't take much more of this".
"I'll shave it off for you", said Duncan with an evil smirk.
"I remind you once more", said Piotr"you are seriously outnumbered".
Duncan at once fell silent, not wanting to get on the huge Russian's 'bad side'...assuming he actually HAD one.
"Don't worry, fuzz-butt, we're leaving now", said Lance, then looked around"where the hell is Toad".
"There he is", said Ray, pointing to where Todd was hopping over, something caught in his hands.
"...If that's an insect, I don't vant to see you eat it", said Kurt, grimacing.
"It's not an insect", said Todd, throwing Kurt a glare, then opened his hands, revealing a cane toad.
"Croak", said the toad.
"She says her name is Lucy", said Todd, the toad croaked again"oh, and she's an orphan" (2)
"That's cute", said Lance dryly"now put away the danger to the countries ecosystem"
"No way", protested Todd, holding her close"she needs someone to look after her, her parents were smooshed by golf clubs".
"Fine, take the goddamned toad", groaned Lance as they headed back to the camp"I don't care anymore".
"Hey, do you think the other group recognised the trick animal", asked Piotr.
"They should have", said Sam"it'd take a complete idiot to not realise that bunyips don't exist".
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(1) - A jumbuck is, indeed, a sheep. I've been listening to my Waltzing Matilda CD again.
(2) - Yes, Toad can indeed talk to amphibians...or at least his cannon version could.
And the chapters get more crazy. What happens when Jack meets Lucy? What happens to Scott's group? These questions answered in the next thrilling chapter! Do review. Until next time...