Slugs and Snails
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "This. Is. Seriously. Messing. With. My. KARMA!"
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Hey all, yes, I am back...ish. My computer caught a worm virus (oh...goodie) and is currently awaiting to be re-formated by my brother. I thought I'd give it a week to see if I'd get it back, but alas. So, this is being typed from my parents computer. Anyway, getting to the long and short of it, I may not be able to update my parody or musical until I get my computer back, but I can still update this fic, and I shall, yes indeedy, even if I lost all I had already written for this chapter, never to be seen again.. Mmmm, I think the quote I used for this chapter fits my current situation. Bless that stoned, narcoleptic, hippy rabbit, for his words are wise.
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Chapter 5 - Lost mutants and lost minds
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"Scott? Can we go back to the camp now?...My head hurts"
Scott turned to look at the youngest member of the team.
"I know", he said, patting his head, then frowned, "but any job worth doing is worth doing right!"
"We've been looking for HOURS!", screamed Remy, "and dere is no Bunyip!"
Remy narrowed his eyes, looking around suspiciously.
"Remy startin' ta believe dere is no such t'ing"
"Of COURSE there's such a thing", snapped Scott, "why would they put it on the list if it didn't exist, huh? HUH!"
"I hate to say this, Summers, but the Cajun has a point", said Freddy, "look. We're out in the outback with no shade and it's getting hotter"
He gave Jamie a prod.
"And the kid's tired".
"There's no place like home", mumbled Jamie half-awake, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore" (1)
"I don't know what you're all complaining about", grinned Roberto, "I'm totally loving all this sun"
"...Shut up, Roberto", sighed Scott, pinching the bridge of his nose, "and where are Pietro and Evan?"
"Over there", said Paul meekly, pointing to where Evan and Pietro were staring each other out..again.
"Oh, just...great", groaned Scott, walking after them, "what is it NOW?"
"I SO saw a bunyip", said Pietro, crossing his arms, "but the pin-cushion thinks that it wasn't one!"
"It was a SNAKE", shouted Evan.
"Was not"
"Was too"
"NOT"
"TOO!"
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPP
Both boys fell deathly silent as Scott zapped a rock into dust.
"Will you both just shut up?", said Scott massaging his temples, "I'm thirsty, where's all the water?"
Pietro cleared his throat, looking at the floor sheepishly.
"Don't tell me you've drank it all", growled Remy, stepping forwards, charging up some cards.
No one noticed Scott look up, giving an odd half-smile, stumbling away.
"Well, I've got a faster metabolism than you people", protested Pietro, "I can't help it".
"I'll give you a fast metabolism", said Remy, about to throw a card at him when Paul tapped him on the shoulder.
"Errr...mutant guy?", he said, "I think something's wrong with Scott".
Scott grinned happily as he looked at his find. He couldn't believe it!. How did his beloved car get in the middle of the outback? Wow, someone up there must really, really like him. He knew being a good boy would pay off one day. He laughed, opening the door and jumping in, running his hands over the steering wheel.
"Guys", he shouted, "we've got an answer! We can drive around until we find the Bunyip, we'll be done so much quicker!".
The group paused, blinking numbly at their leader. Scott was sitting happily in the dirt, his hands held out in front of him as if grasping something unseen. He suddenly moved his hand to the side and touched thin air. He paused before laughing.
"We've even got some tunes!", he said, bopping his head to the imagined music, then laughed, "and smoothies!"
The team watched in horror as Scott picked up a rock and started to suck on it.(2)
"...Is anyone else seeing what he's seeing?", asked Freddy.
"No", came the unanamous reply.
"Just checking", said Freddy.
"Hey, look", said Jamie sleepily from where he was half-slung over Freddy's shoulder, "puppies. Here puppies, good puppies".
The gang turned their attention from Scott to where Jamie was pointing.
"Those aren't puppies", said Evan with a nervous laugh, "THEY'RE DINGOES!"
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Meanwhile, back at the camp, the other group had all settled in for a break...and ome glorious food. All except ONE.
"You 'aint takin' Lucy away from me!", snapped Todd, clinging to the toad as if his life depended on it, "she's all alone, yo!"
"She's a pest", growled Jack, trying to pry the amphibian off Todd while wearing glove. Apparently, the amphibian's toxic skin had no effect on Todd himself...the others assumed they cancled each other out.
"No she's not, she's my baby!", shouted Todd, "I adopted her".
"There's something touching...and yet very scary about that", commented Kurt from where he and a few others had opted to watch the show.
"Da", agreed Piotr, then winced, "I do not think Wanda will take kindly to this 'adoption'".
Kurt grinned, rubbing his hands eagerly.
"I'd pay big bucks to get a front-row seat to THAT conversation".
Todd, holding onto Lucy tightly bounced away form Jack.
"I don't know what you're complainin' about", he said, "I AM taking her away from the country. She'll still be away from here, right?".
"He's right, don't kill the poor little froggy-woggie", said Gelder with a sniffle.
"But...but it...pest", protested Jack, before scowling, "fine, but keep it locked away. If it escapes..."
He held up his shotgun for emphasis.
"Kablamo".
"What goes kablamo?", asked Pyro as he wandered in, his arms full of supplies.
"That bloody cane toad", muttered Jack, sitting down moodily.
Pyro put down the supplies and frowned at Todd.
"What did I tell you?", he said, then shook his head, blinking around, "hey, were's the rest of them?"
"Not back yet", said Jack with a shrug, "don't worry. Give them about two hours, then we'll go look for them"
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"We'regonnadiewe'regonnadiewe'regonnadie!", Pietro sceamed as he ran around in circles, then paused, "wait, I can run away, so technically, YOU'RE all going to die. Ta."
"Stay put!", snapped Remy before Pietro could run off, "they're just dingoes...they're big dogs, right? We can fight big dogs".
"They are big, nasty WILD dogs", corrected Freddy, "they eat babies!".
"Oh don't be so...", started Evan then squeaked as the pack came closer, "okay, we're mutants. We have powers..."
"I don't", pointed out Paul.
"Okay, fine", said Pietro with a smirk, "we'll use you to feed them up, maybe they won't want to kill us after that".
Roberto rolled his eyes, powering up and walking over to Scott.
"Hey, 'Berto", grinned Scott, "climb aboard, we can drive this baby all the way to Mexico!".
"Err...maybe another time", said Roberto, starting to drag him away.
"Noooooo MY BABY!", screamed Scott, struggling away.
Remy grinned, reaching inot his pocket, going to pull out some cards to fire at the dingoes...and came up empty.
"Huh?", he said, blinking at his empty hand.
"Oh...yeah", said Evan, clearing his throat, "me and Pietro had a game of go fish last night...it got a bit violent. The ones you were going to throw at Pietro were the last ones"
"You lost SIX decks of cards?", growled Remy, "MY cards?"
He narrowed his red-on-black eyes.
"If we live through dis, you two gonna DIE. No one touches Remy's cards. NO ONE"
"Okay, got it", said Pietro, then whimpered as more dingoes appeared, "though that might not be an issue anymore".
Suddenly, a loud claxon sounded, followed by a large explosion. The dingoes looked up, before yelping, running away. The group blinked in shock.
"What just then happened?", asked Roberto.
"That", said Freddy, pointing as a huge, oddly decorated tank screeched to a stop beside them. A few banging sounds were heard from within it, accompanied by loud swearing. Eventually, a door on the top opened and a young woman poked her head out, he head almost completely shaved, bar from a few strands of blonde on the front.
"Allo", she smirked, leaning on her tank,. looking down at the group, "got a bit of dingo trouble, huh? Snot nosed buggers".
"Errr...hello?", tried Remy as he was shoved forward, becoming the unspoken 'leader', "...merci?".
She blinked at him for a moment, before smirking.
"You foreign? Must be, no idiot goes traipsing around the outback like that", she said, then smirked, "hop in, I'll take you where you wanna go. Just remember to buy me a few beers later"
She spat on the floor and gave them a grin.
"Name's Tank Girl", she said, "and you fellas are in for one HELL of a ride" (3)
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(1) - For those that do not know, comic Jamie is originally from Kansas. In fact, his parents were killed by a tornado.
(2) - I wish I could take credit for that scene, but nope. It's a modified scene from Kangaroo Jack. It was just too good to pass up.
(3) - Tank girl is a comic character created by Jamie Hewlett and Alan Martin. She lives in post apocalyptic Australia normally, but I couldn't resist using her. She's ace. Originally from Deadline magazine, I believe Dark Horse publish some of her stuff now...not sure.
And there we go, another chapter. Not sure when I'll update next, hopefully it won't be TOO long. And hopefully I'll get my computer back soon..hopefully. Do review. Until next time...