Slugs and Snails
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence"
I appologise for taking so long to get back to this one, my muse died for it. Really, it was quite messy. Poor muse.
Chaotic Boredom - The stoned narcoleptic hippie rabbit is Dylan from the Magic Roundabout. You could say it's my latest obession, but it has been one that has been slowly seeding away since childhood, the new movie brought it into bloom again, hazah for physcadelic madness! (Yes, I HAVE already wrote a fanfic for it)
Chapter 6 - Safe and soundless
"And the King lost again, silly thing, STUPID GIT" (1)
There were many things that Paul thought would happen in his life. He thought one day he'd have a family. One day, he'd like to go fishing. But one thing he'd NEVER counted on was sitting next to an anthropromorthic mutant kangaroo singing Monty Python songs. Booga, apparently not noticing Paul's unease, continued to sing happily. Jamie, finding Booga to be 'the coolest thing: EVER', sang happily with him.
"Hey", said Booga, "Tank Girl, can we adopt this little guy? He's great!"
Tank Girl grimaced.
"Booga, I love kids as much as the next gun-toting maniac", she said, "but I don't want one of my own, even one that turns into more kids"
"Awww", sighed Booga.
"I kinda already have a family", pointed out Jamie, "..sorry, Booga".
"It's okay, kid", said Booga, giving Tank Girl a sweet smile, "one day, we'll have kids of our own, right, Tank Girl"
"With you?", snorted Tank Girl, "Hell, NO!"
Booga sighed sadly, looking at the ground.
"You're always mean to me", he muttered to himself.
"Okay, people, this is waaay up there on my list of 'weird things'", said Roberto, "and since living with the X-Men, that list has been pretty full".
Tank Girl blinked at him.
"There's something weird about not wanting to marry a mutant kangaroo and adopt random children?".
"No", said Roberto, "but there IS something weird about mutant kanagroos"
"Say the boy who get his power form the sun", sniffed Booga.
"Leave Booga alone", said Tank Girl, "Only I'M aloud to tell him he's strnage and useless"
"They didn't say I was useless", pointed out Booga.
"Well, I'm saying it now", said Tank Girl.
"I would like to go home now", mumbled Paul.
"We all want to go home", snapped Remy, "but we can't so shut up and get over it".
"Pietro, how's Scott doing?", asked Freddy quickly before any more fighting could be undertaken in such a small space.
Pietro leaned over by Scott, giving him a poke.
"Spam spam spam spam spam spam LOVELY SPAM WONDERFULL SPAM spam spam spam spam spam", sang Scott.
"Oh, he's just dandy", said Pietro, "they'll never notice there's anything wrong with him"
Suddenly, there was an ominous crunching sound and the tank ground to a halt. Tank Girl blinked, climbing out of the hatch. There were a few banging sound before a long, loud, torrent of swearing rose form the young womans mouth.
"What's gone wrong?", asked Roberto, thoughtfully covering Jamie's ears as Tank Girl turned the air blue.
Tank Girl replied with another torrent of abusive words.
"She says we have a flat", said Booga.
"A FLAT?", asked Evan, "how on EARTH can we get a flat? WE'RE IN A TANK!"
"With THIS tank, anything is possible", said Booga pointedly.
"So, what?", said Remy, "we're stuck in de middle of nowhere again?"
"Looks that way", said Booga with a shrug.
"Oh, forget this, man!", snapped Evan, "you guys can sit here and cook to death, I'M going to walk back to the camp!"
With that, he pulled himself out of the hatch, storming past Tank Girl.
"Bye, Daniels!", said Pietro cheerfully, "I hope you leave a lovely, ugly insect-ridden corpse!"
"Should we be letting him just walk off like that?", asked Paul.
"Sure, why not", said Pietro, shurgging, "he's a Morlock, he can deal"
"Does anyone else think the other group should have been back hours ago?"
Everyone turned to look at Sam.
"Jeez, a'h was only asking", he muttered, "not a one of you is worrued about them?"
"Hell, no", said Lance with a shrug, "I've lost Pietro, Remy AND Scott in one fell swoop. Sure, it means I've lost Blob in the bargin, but I can live with that"
"But vouldn't Jean get mad at us if ve lost Scott?", asked Kurt, "and vhat about poor little Jamie?"
"'Poor little Jamie' didn't set fire to your history assingment", growled Ray, "I hope he gets eaten by something".
"...Well...errr", Sam floundered, "Roberto? Does anyone care about him?"
"Who's Roberto again?", asked Todd, petting Lucy on the head.
"I am thinking he is the one that has the eye patch?"
"Nah, that's Nick Fury", said Lance.
"He's the Brazillian", said Bobby, "you know, really quiet?"
Lance, Todd and Piotr looked blankly at him.
"He's the one with the Elvis tattoo", said Sam with an exasperated sigh.
This was met with a chorus of 'ahhhhhs!'.
"Nah, I think we could live without them", said Todd.
"The fewer mutie freaks in the world, the better", snorted Duncan.
"Paul's a flatscan, you idiot", said Kurt.
Duncan blinked.
"Who's Paul?"
"Oh, not THIS again!", snapped Bobby.
Suddenly, Pyro popped his head around the door, that demented grin on his face.
"Hey, Jack's heading out to rescue everyone, Gelder told him if he didn't, she'd start screaming and never stop", he said, "anyone want to come with?"
"I am SO not going back into that heat", said Kurt, "I've just got my fur back from being kinky".
"Kinky fur, you naughty, naughty boy", giggled Bobby, then coughed, "sorry, I'm still a little heat stressed".
"A'hll go", said Sam, standing up, giving the tohers a glare, "A'HM not afraid to help ma'h friends, unlike some people".
"I will go also", said Piotr, "I am feeling sorry for Jamie...and Remy is still owing me money".
Meanwhile, Evan Daniels was still stomping along the outback, trying to navigate a way home.
"When I get home, I'm never, EVER leaving the tunnels again", he said to himself, "I'll stay in the nice, safe darkness. Yes, nice and safe".
He paused as he ehard a hissing sound.
"Pietro?", he said, narrowing his eyes, "knock it off, you idiot. I'm not in the mood!".
The hissing sound continued, Evan narrowed his eyes, chosing to ignore it as he carried on walking...it was then he stod on something, something which was hissing. He blinked down, looking at the snake. The snake looked back at him, hissing louder.
"Oh".
"Well, we've run out of beers, who's up for a game of russian roulette?"
The group looked at Tank Girl as if she were mad, which was a good possibility. They were lounging by the tank, which in turn was dangerously close to a cliff edge.
"I t'ink I'll pass", murmered Remy, "I like my life".
"Speaking of lives", said Tank Girl, walking over to Paul, "can you do me a favour?"
Paul gave a nervosu laugh, stepping away slightly.
"Errr...maybe"
Tank Girl grinned, leaning close before happily shoving him towards the edge of the cliff.
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!", screamed Paul, only to be yanked back by Tank Girl.
"Tell your mother I saved your life", she smirked (2)
"Meep", said Paul, collapsing on the ground.
Closer to the tank, Booga and Jamie were playing tic-tc-toe in the sand, with Freddy acting as judge.
"Jamie wins!", he announced.
"AGAIN?", whimpered Booga, "how does he DO this?"
"I'm just good", said Jamie, "I am the king of all gaming. You may bow now" (3)
"Don't push it", growled Booga.
"HEY I SEE A TRUCK, I SEE A TRUCK!", laughed Roberto happily, then blinked, "and it seems to be dragging something large and round with it".
The group looked up as Jack's truck pulled to a screeching halt. Tied to the back of it, being dragged around the ground, was Evan. After his 'incident' with the snake, he'd swollen up dramaticly, and by the look of his face, he wasn't enjoying it.(4)
Pietro laughed, giving the swollen Evan a poke.
"You look like one of those spikey blowing up fish!", he laughed, "or a big, spikey beachball!".
"Cut it out, Maximoff", snapped Evan, trying to roll his spikes in the direction of Pietro's fingers.
"Oh, shut up, I gave you anti-venom, it just takes time to work", said Jack, then looked at the group, "having a party?"
"Take me home, take me home", sobbed Paul, climbing into the truck.
"What the heck happened to Scott?", asked Sam, arching a brow as Scott span in circles around the tank.
"Oh, the sun got to him a teeny tiny little bit", chuckled Freddy.
"Jean, I love you, Jeanie-Pie", shouted Scott, "I'm so glad you came to see me"
"Scott, NO!", screamed Sam, "that's a cac...too late"
Everyone winced as Scott wrapped his arms around a cactus, kissing it passionately. (5)
Jack shook his head.
"I told Xavier this was a stupid idea, but would he listen? Noooooo".
Meanwhile, Pyro had dashed up to Tank Girl.
"TG!", he shouted, "I heard you were dead!".
"Nah!", said Tank Girl, giving his a hug, "I've just been on the run from the army for a while...they still don't like the tank stealing thing.."
"Of COURSE they would know each other", muttered Remy, rolling his eyes, "they are both crazy idiots".
"We met in a 'special class'", said Pyro with a nod.
"It wasn't QUITE anger management, more like...'random destruction management", smiled Tank Girl.
Jack sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"I'll send a team out to fix your tank, the rest of you, GET IN THE TRUCK!".
The team decided not to argue, and, after a few moments of pulling Scott off the cactus, they were back in the truck, heading off to camp.
(1) - The Oliver Cromwell Song.
(2) - This is a joke my first friend used to pull on me, though it was most commonly on walls...or near the cannal. She did this constantly, without fail, often doing it in consecutive days. We are still in touch, having known each other for almost two decades...and she STILL pulls it on me. Then again, I did lose her in a quarry once, then went home and forgot all about her...so we could be considered even.
(3) - Another friend quote, actually this is from the younger brother of first friend. I accidentally cracked his head open while I was on a swing when I was 9 and he was 8...it is something he loves to remind me of...I gleefully point out I gave him a scar to show off in the army (though he probably doesn't tell people he was kicked off a wall by a little girl to get it).
(4) - L1701E's idea. Evilness abound!
(5) - Another one of L1701E's ideas, poor Scooter boy, I almost feel sorry for him...almost.
And there's another chapter done and dusted! Do review. Until next time...