Slugs and Snails
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "The whole purpose of this trip is to deepen our relationship without distractionsno radio, no children, no television, no cell phone...my God, what have I done? What have I done!"
Chapter 8 - The woefull tale of Wombat-Boy.
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The boy's (and Gelder's) moods had been very sombre since 'the burning incident'. Jack had wandered off to the nearest neighbour, but considering they were a five-hour walk away, no one expected the cavalry for quite a while. Gelder had managed to make a camp fire, thanks to the charred remains of the buildings and a little 'help' from Pyro. Everyone was now huddled around the fire as night closed in, along with all the night-time sounds of the Outback. Jamie whimpered slightly, hugging his arms around himself.
"Don't worry, little guy", grinned Pyro, "none of the things that make those sounds can hurt you"
"Really?", asked Jamie, relaxing slightly.
"Really", said Pyro, then added, "it's the quiet things you have to be afraid of".
Jamie's eyes widened, and he hid behind Freddy. Survival instinct told him that Freddy would: A, be one of those least likey to tell him to go away, and B, be big enough and strong enough to scare away anything nasty.
"Quit scarin' the kid, Pyro", said Freddy, fixing a glare on Pyro.
"Just being honest", said Pyro with a shrug, "there's all those snakes, lizards, spiders, scorpions..."
He trailled off.
"...I don't want to worry anyone", he said, "but some of us might wake up dead tomorrow"
Remy blinked at him.
"How can you...", he sighed, shaking his head, "forget I said anything"
"I know what will cheer us up", grinned Gelder, "CAMP FIRE SONGS!"
"Oh dear God, no", moaned Scott, covering his head.
"I have one", said Ray, waving his hand in the air.
"Thank you, Raymond", smiled Gelder, "it's nice to see someone volunteer for once"
"I was walking in Memphis", sang Ray, grinning evily in Roberto's direction, "I was walking with my..." (1)
"I DO NOT LIKE THAT SONG!", screamed Roberto
"I saw the ghost of Elvis", sang on Ray, before a small rock hit him on the head with a thwack.
"Now, now, Roberto", smiled Gelder pleasantly, not seeming to notice the fact Ray was now face-down on the ground, "there's no need to resort to violence"
"In this group, there's EVERY need to resort to violence", pointed out Lance.
"Well, this is all the mutie's fault", grumbled Duncan, "if this had been a human-only trip, none of this would have happened"
"Oh, will you turn off THAT record?", snapped Pietro, "'mutants are bad', 'mutants are evil', seesh, give it up"
He shot a glare at Paul.
"And you need to decide who's side you're on, you fence-sitter"
Paul blinked nervously from where he'd been sitting in a corner, trying to be ignored by everyone.
"I errr...", he stammered.
"Leave Paul alone", said Scott moodily, "if he wants to grab a pitchfork with the rest of them, let him"
"I didn't say anything about pitchforks", Paul mumbled quietly.
"You don't have to SAY it", said Evan, glaring at him, "it's in your eyes"
Gelder could see that the situation was deteriorating rapidly, and she, the only adult around, would have to do something to defuse it.
"How about a campfire story?", she tried.
"Oh, I have a camp fire story", said Todd.
"Then go ahead, Todd", smiled Gelder sweetly.
"Once upon a time", started Todd, "I was somewhere better than here. The end"
Gelder blinked once.
"Oh", she said, "that was...err...that was nice, Todd"
She glanced hopefully around the fire.
"Anyone else?"
"I am being too busy pretending I never left Russia", said Piotr, closing his eyes.
"Ooooh. Oooh, I have one!", said Pyro, waving his hand, "a real Austrailian one!" (2)
"Oh yes, because ve haven't experienced enough of real Austrailia already", snapped Kurt, holding his head in his hands...he hadn't felt quite right since the Monty Python incident.
"Oh, I think it would be a wonderfull story", smiled Gelder, "please, tell it, St. John"
"Than you, I will", smirked Pyro, ignoring the groans from the other members of the group.
He paused for a few moments, in an attempt to build atmposhphere, but as soon as he noticed Lance looking at his watch, he decided it was time to begin.
"Years ago, a young boy lived in the Outback", he said darkly, "this boy loved nature, and would often go wandering into the bush to watch the animals as they went about their everyday buisness. His parents always told him not to wander too far, but one day he did"
"Because characters always do stupid things like that", said Scott, "I tell you, if people followed the rules, there's be alot less bad things in the world"
"And it would be a world in which we'd all look like Scott", said Todd.
"THE HORROR, THE HORROR!", screamed Lance.
"Oh, shut up", snapped Scott, crossing his arms, "I'll just not speak from now on, okay?"
"Okay with me", grinned Remy.
Pyro blinked at them all, before shrugging and continuing with his story.
"Soon, it got very dark, and the boy realised he was lost. He knew it wasn't safe to be outside in the outback at night without protection.."
"Like ve are now?", asked Kurt pointedly.
"Shut up and listen to the story!", snapped Pyro, "anyway, he soon came upon a wombat hole, and climbed into it for the night"
"...Humans can't fit in wombat...", started Sam, but was cut off by Pyro.
"This was a SPECIAL wombat hole, as it was magical", said Pyro, "anyway, the boy soon drifted off to sleep. When he awoke the next day, he saw the owner of the hole had returned. This was no ordinary wombat. This was a MAGICAL wombat"
"...A MAGICAL wombat?", snorted Pietro, "COME ON!"
"This from someone who recently shared a tank ride with a mutant kangaroo named Booga", said Evan flatly.
"...Point proven", said Pietro, then nodded at Pyro, "continue"
"The wombat was not pleased that his hole had been used, as wombats are grumpy little things", continued Pyro, "the wombat said 'I shall have to dispose of you now, for you know my secret of being magical'. The boy pleaded with the wombat not to kill him. 'I'll do anything', he said".
Pyro made the fire flicker ominously for effect.
"The wombat decided that, if the boy wished to live, he would have to do so in a way he could never tell anyone about the magical wombat", he said, "and so, he preformed a cruel transformation spell on the boy. He began to turn the boy into a wombat".
"...Oh boy", muttered Roberto, rolling his eyes.
Pyro chose to ignore this.
"Unfortunately, the magical wombat's concentration as broken when the boys father appeared, looking for him. As such, the spell was only half complete", said Pyro, "the magical wombat hid himself away as the father arrived. He did not recognise his son, no one would have. The boy now had a wombat's head, his hands and feet were now wombat feet and paws, with long, digging paws, a stumpy tail stuck out from behind him, and his body was covered in grey fur. He still stood on two legs, but his spine was bent out of shape, so he stooped"
"What did the father do?", asked Jamie, wide eyed as he peeked out from behind Freddy.
"He RAN", said Pyro, "he ran and never looked back. The boy still roams the Outback to this day, looking for the magical wombat to make his transformation complete. They say, sometimes, when you're out in the bush at night, you can hear his feet scraping and shuffling along the ground. And so ends the woefull tale...of Wombat Boy"
Pyro looked around his audience for a moment, a wide grin on his face. The entire group blinked as one, before Duncan spoke.
"That has to be the crappiest story ever told by an idiot, in the history of crappy stories told by idiots"
Pyro's face fell.
"Hey, shut up, it's a true story!", protested Pyro, "my mum told me so!"
"Maybe your mum is crazy too", muttered Duncan under his breath.
FWOOOOOOFMMMMM!
A large section of the camp fire formed into a rather large hammer.
"What did you say about my mother?", screamed Pyro, his eye twiching.
"Now, now, boys", said Gelder, "it's not nice to insult people's mothers, or play with fire"
"He started it", snapped Pyro, pointing at Duncan, who was trying to edge away form the fire-hammer.
"Put the fire back where it belongs, Mr Allerdyce", said Gelder, putting her hands on her hips.
"Fine", muttered Pyro, allowing the hammer to become part of the cmapfire again, then said darkly to Duncan, "you're on my list"
"Well, this was the end to another fun-filled evening", said Freddy sarcastically.
"Yeah, and local stories too", snorted Ray, "Wombat-Boy. Seesh"
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Jack muttered darkly to himself as he trudged along the road. What were the chances of getting a flat at at time like this? He could swear, someone, somewhere, was laughing at him. When he found out exactly WHO was laughing at him, he'd be sure to have a heavy, blunt object close at hand.
"You wouldn't be laughing THEN, would you?", he screamed at the sky, "WOULD YOU!"
It was then something happened that he hadn't been expecting. Someone answered him. Actually, it was more of a scuffling sound than any actual answer, but still..
"Who's there?", asked Jack, flashing his torchlight all around him.
"Grrsshhhhhh", came the response.
Jack narrowed his eyes, turning the torchlight towards the sound. He gave a gasp as it fell on a mishapen thing.
"...Well...bloody hell".
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(1) - Walking in Memphis, it's been done by many, many artists. Take your pick.(2) - Which of course, this one isn't. Unless by some remarkable coincidence, it is.
Ahh new realms of madness. Do review. Until next time...