Title: Grave mutterings
Summary: Sydney finally says everything she wants to say to Lauren (Post S3 end) S/L.
Disclaimer: I don't own Alias or anything related to it.
Rating: PG
As I stare down at her grave with fresh tears in my eyes I know that the CIA will have a security detail nearby checking on the activity at her graveside, but I don't care. After Sark escaped her death could no longer be hid and a few days later the tragic car accident resulting in Lauren Reed, daughter of the late Senator Reed, was announced in national newspapers and television.
They buried her a week later and as I stand here looking at the fresh dirt and the fresh grave I bitterly think of how long ago she deserved this burial. The rain that beats down against me is a cliché and I almost smile thinking of how she would have loved it, being buried on a rainy autumn afternoon with her secret spy lover beside her grave, like one of the tacky romance novels she would read before bed.
"I never got to apologise." The words have left my mouth before I can stop them, but I don't take them back, even though I know that some CIA microphone is picking what I say up as two agents in a plain van watch me through surveillance cameras. "So I'm doing it now. I'm sorry I was a coward. I'm sorry I didn't take a chance on you and I'm sorry I let you die. I loved you but I didn't have the guts to stand by you." I'm crying now and the rain is blending in with my guilty tears as it washes them from my cheeks.
"When you said we could forgot the CIA, forgot Vaughn and just leave the past behind I wanted to go with you and let you love me, but my head wouldn't let me. It was too full of morals and good intentions and fears that I'd be hurting everyone that I cared about. Where have my morals and my good intentions got me?" I laugh bitterly as I answer my own question. "I'm alone and working for Arvin Sloane and I can't have the most important person in my life anymore."
As I wipe away the tears and rain from my cheeks my guilt and heartache turns to anger and I start shouting at the gravestone. "Why didn't you tell me you were Covenant? Why the hell did you let me fall in love with you if you knew that in the end one of us was going to fail? If you'd told me I could have helped you…I could have saved you."
I collapse to my knees in the sodden earth and suddenly feel hollow. I've finally said everything I wanted to say to her since Vaughn ended her life and by her grave I've finally said goodbye and it's only now that I realise I don't want to say goodbye, I don't want the pain she's caused in my heart to heal. I want it to stay there to remind me of what I've lost and I don't want to finally let go of her.
But it's done now and I slowly make my way back to my car. It's not long before my cell phone rings and Sloane is asking me to go in to the APO. When I arrive there will undoubtedly be a CIA agent with a lot of questions concerning my relationship with Lauren Reed and all the while Vaughn will stand there with his kicked puppy dog eyes, shocked that his perfect little Sydney could have had an affair with his wife right under his nose.
He always thought it was about him, he was wrong. It was always about Lauren and I, the tension between us rose so much the only way we could break it resulted in neither of us wearing any clothes and her moaning beneath me. I smile in amusement as I wonder what expression he'd pull if I told him that.
Unfortunately I'll never know, as I don't intend on going to the APO or the CIA. I have a few suitcases with my belongings in, after the fire it's easy to pack light with only the few personal belongings that survived and enough clothes to last two weeks.
As I enter the airport I look like any other holidaymaker and when I check in using my British passport the woman at the counter smiles and wishes me a nice flight and anyone else who talks to me is given a reply in the English accent that after two years of being Julia Thorne, and months of being around Lauren, has been perfected to an art.
I've said my goodbyes to my dead lover, there's nothing else for me here in America, only pain, lies and more misery. I'm tired of this life, I have been since I returned from being Julia, only Lauren made it worth while, now that she's gone Sydney Bristow is gone and after 'Julia Reed' boards flight 115 to London and Sydney's car explodes with a female cadaver inside it there will be no more trace of Sydney Bristow.
End.