Slugs and Snails

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I have to go find my naked friend"

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I apologize for the lateness of this, exams and Chronicle writing I shall blame. Incidentally, has anyone here read the latest X-Men: The End? Holy mother of crap, I did NOT see that coming.

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Chapter 11 – Drunkards wild

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"Twenty one, twenty two, twenty three"

Remy was happily counting the piles of women's phone numbers he'd collected during the night. It had been a good haul.

"I know what you did and I think it's very amoral and wrong"

Remy rolled his eyes, turning to look at Scott.

"Oh, go kiss a cactus".

Scott whimpered.

"I don't like being reminded of that, thank you very much", he said, "and besides, you're the one that's in the wrong. You can't use a thirteen year old to pick up dates for you!"

"I can and", Remy grinned at his numbers, "I have. He's very effective"

It was then Jamie stumbled over, looking slightly dazed.

"What did you do to him?", squeaked Scott, "if Jamie gets broken, the Professor will kill me!"

"I seem to have lost a dupe", said Jamie, rubbing the back of his head, "I fell over and he popped out… and then he ran off"

"Well, we'd better go look for him", said Scott with a frown, back into leader mode

Jamie winced.

"That might not be a good plan", he said, "this clone is…err evil"

Scott arched a brow.

"You have an evil clone?"

"Yes", said Jamie, "think of him-me as a really, really evil Bond villain" (1)

"Oh", Remy blinked, "…you're very complicated, you know dat?"

"Well, Remy, you better help Jamie find his clone", said Scott.

"Why ME?", whined Remy.

"Because you're using him to pick up women!", snapped Scott.

"Only a little bit", lied Remy.

Scott crossed his arms, glaring at Remy.

"Well, I hope you're happy, all this chasing around women has landed you and Jamie in deep water", he said, "It's nice to finally see you're getting what you deserve"

"A race car bed?", asked Remy with a happy grin. (2)

Scott groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"No, Remy, not a race car bed".

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Elsewhere in the hotel, other missing mutants had cropped up.

"Pietro?", shouted Piotr, looking around with a frown, "please be coming back now"

He paused.

"I will give you some candy if you come back"

…Nothing. Piotr narrowed his eyes, muttering darkly to himself in Russian. He was cut off, however, by the sight of Wanda skipping past him… A completely naked Wanda.

"Blessed be", she said, touching his arm before skipping off again, giggling happily.

"Err….. thank you?", tried Piotr, still utterly confused.

Todd hopped by moments later, Wanda's clothes gathered in his arms.

"Wanda, get back here!", he called, "come on, honey, put at least some clothes back on!"

"I really, really should have stayed in Siberia", muttered Piotr, "it is being too cold for people to run around naked there"

He shook his head, walking back into the bar, vainly hoping Pietro had turned up there. He had not. Paul was still semi-conscious on the floor, Ray and Evan having killed time by covering him with anything they could find, from coats to cocktail umbrellas. It was like a drunken game of 'Buckaroo'. Roberto and Kitty, it seemed, were the only sober people in the room. However, they sat very far apart form one another and avoided direct eye contact at all times.

"I don't suppose you have seen Pietro?", asked Piotr hopefully, "I seem to have.. err.. lost him"

"Haven't seen him", said Roberto, looking at the table, "I haven't seen anything"

"Not a thing", said Kitty, "we're just sitting here, doing nothing. Nothing at all"

"Leave them alone", slurred Kurt, trying to focus on one of the two Piotrs he could see, "they had a messy divorce, it's best to let them sort it out themselves, ja?"

"I said a hundred time already never mention that!", screamed Kitty.

"You're just mad because you were the wife of a soon-to-be billionaire and gave it up", smirked Bobby, who was surrounded by ice-sculptures of chickens.

"Am not!", snapped Kitty.

"SO in denial", said Freddy.

"Leave Kitty alone", growled Lance, the ground shaking, "if she's happy with someone with no money like me, then good for her"

"You know what's wrong?", said Pyro pointing drunkenly at Kitty at Roberto, ending up missing them both my miles, "you two haven't had any closure"

"We don't need any closure", said Roberto, "we're just fine"

"Nope, you need to talk this out like adults", said Amanda, "then at least you can both be in the same room without making the atmosphere thick enough to cut with a knife"

"I know!", grinned Sam, "whenever me or my siblings had a fight, Momma would lock us in the closet until we sorted out our differences"

Ray blinked at Sam.

"Lucinda Guthrie is a hardass".

"You bet she is", grinned Sam proudly, "so, we just stick Kitty and Roberto in a closet, and leave them to it"

"One problem, Smartass", said Kitty with a smirk, "you can't hold me there, I'll just phase through the wall"

"And I can break through the door", said Roberto pointedly.

"I put a spell on yooooou, and now you're miiiiine" (3)

Everyone turned as naked Wanda skipped past them. She paused, cocking her head to the side before zapping Roberto and Kitty with a hex bolt.

"Blessed be", she smiled, then skipped off again.

"WANDA", shouted Todd as he trailed behind, "come on, stop it!"

"Heeeeey", said Kitty with a frown, "she took away my powers!"

"Mine too", said Roberto, "….uh oh"

"Freddy, would you do the honors?", asked Pyro with a grin.

"Gladly", grinned Fred, picking them both up and walking off.

"Lemmie go!", snapped Kitty.

"I swear, I'll kill all of you!", warned Roberto.

"Shut up", said Bobby, "this is an intervention"

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Meanwhile, Remy and Jamie were still on the trail of the 'evil clone'. They had eventually made it to the kitchen, which for some reason, had been deserted.

"Evil me?", called Jamie, looking around the door, "… heh heh, you in here?"

In there he was. The clone looked up as Jamie and Remy entered. Blue lines were drawn across his face, his eyes wild.

"Is that…..magic marker?", asked Remy, blinking.

"FREEDOOOOOOMMM!", screamed the clone, grabbing a mop and wielding it like a sword.

"Oh yeah", said Jamie with a nervous chuckle, "the longer they stay away from me, the more independent my clones get….funny, huh?"

"Hilarious", growled Remy, walking over the clone, whistling, "hereeeee cloney, cloney, heeereee boy"

"That's not going to work", said Jamie, then frowned, "and I'm not a dog"

The clone hissed, waving the mop in Jamie's direction.

"You can't take me back, I'm making a stand!", he shouted, "I want my freedom! You can't make me go back. I'll kill you first!"

"Here's a question", said Remy, "if your clone kills you, would it be considered suicide?"

"I don't know", snapped Jamie, "and I don't want to learn!" (4)

"Look", said Remy, "we got you surrounded. Now, be a good clone and get reabsorbed and we won't have ta knock you out"

"I'll never surrender", growled the clone, "NEVER!"

Suddenly, a gust of wind swept by them, along with some manic laughter. Seconds later, both wind and clone were gone.

"Odd, dat sounded just like Pietro", mused Remy.

Jamie sighed.

"We gotta get that clone back, "who knows what he-I'll do if he-me is loose for long"

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(1) – Yes, he does. He last appeared in Madrox, he isn't very nice.

(2) - From Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends. Such a great show.

(3) – I put a Spell on You – various artists, my favorite is the one in the movie 'Hocus Pocus' by Bette Midler.

(4) – Another question from the Marvel series, said evil clone tried to kill him.. err… them… whatever.

Oh yes, I am back into the swing. More fun of this night in the next chapter. What will evil clone and Pietro do? Will Roberto and Kitty solve their 'issue'? Will Wanda ever put her clothes on? Do review. Until next time….